


Dreaming

by cathalin



Series: Dreaming 'verse [1]
Category: Brokeback Mountain (2005)
Genre: AU, Canon Gay Character, Canon Gay Relationship, Gay Male Character, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Lesbian Character, M/M, Rimming
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2006-03-02
Updated: 2006-03-01
Packaged: 2017-10-20 22:50:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 131,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/217953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cathalin/pseuds/cathalin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ennis has a terrible nightmare. It changes everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> WIP. Begun in March 2006 and written over the course of the next year or so. May never be completely finished, but is written and posted through the important stuff. The only thing missing is an Epilogue to tie things up.

Ennis lay soaked in wet, twisted in his sheets, like he was most every dawn. His face felt damp. Wouldn’t be the first time his release caught at his heart and left tears in its wake. Eyes were crusty, too.  
Swearing, Ennis swung his legs over the side of the bed and forced his body to sit upright. Blearily, he squinted at the light coming in the tiny window. His breath left faint white trails in the air. Late in the year to be so chill.

Ennis was used to the ache in his gut that assaulted him every morning. Difference between what he saw in his dreams and what he saw when he woke. This morning it was worse, tight pain coursing near his heart. Somehow he’d thought – what? – that for once in his sorry life saying yes to someone he loved, his daughter, his baby getting married – that finally saying yes would tamp down the hurt?

Damn stupid ass he was, for sure. Probably he’d thought that saying the word “love,” though it was to Junior, and saying the words “I swear,” though it was to a memory, would help ease the hurt of every fucking sunrise. Ennis stared at his closet, seeing his future stretch in front of him. A long barren stretch of work, whiskey, peeing in the sink. If it weren’t for Junior and Francine, he might just lie there in those wet sheets till he couldn’t move no more.

Tears rose in Ennis’ eyes again. Getting soft. But damn, those shirts, Jack keeping them together like that all those years. And Jack had told Ennis, told him without telling him, that Jack weren’t no one to hide. Ennis had seen the desperation in Jack’s eyes last time on Brokeback, first time he’d not seen no hope in that boy’s eyes. Ennis might as well have just raised the tire iron himself.

Ennis sighed. He mustered his strength to get to his feet, start another empty day.

Then something changed. He was lying down again, twisted up in wet sheets again, eyes crusty, face wet, but now it was dark. Middle of the night, looked like. Heart and gut still hurt, though, hurt bad. Must have dreamed the waking up. Never had that happen before.

Shit, this was worse than regular. Now he’d have to try to go back to sleep. Needed those dreams where Jack came to him. Harder when interrupted.

Ennis shut his eyes and curled again into the sheets. But something was wrong. He opened his eyes again and searched out the trailer in the dim light. Ancient stove, rusty sink, tiny window letting in some moonlight. Closet.

Closet with no postcard, no shirts. Pain stabbed him, hard, from gut to heart. What the hell?

He sat up quick, pushed to feet, was at the closet in no time. Stood there, gutshot. Wasn’t no picture of a mountain, weren’t no shirts. Eyes darted to the calendar from the five and dime he’d tacked to the wall. May. May and he’d just left Jack a month ago.

So none of it was real? The postcard saying deceased, the call with Lureen, the tire iron, Junior in love? The nights and nights of dreams, only solace from the agony of empty days?

How could a few hours of dreaming tell him a whole life like that? Felt so real he tasted it in his mouth, tang of loneliness like the bitter dust of Wyoming.

Ennis went to his stove, put water on, went to look at the calendar again. Turned the water off and went to his truck. Drove to The Barrel, it was closed, middle of the night. Remembered the radio, flipped it on. Country playing, then a guy saying it was May 15. Drove back to the trailer, sat in the truck, head on wheel. Thoughts swirled.

Must have fallen asleep again, because Ennis woke up with dawn breaking and a crick in the neck, bad one. Turned on the radio again, sure enough May 15.

Every part of him, every part of him was heading to Childress. Calling on the pay phone didn’t seem like enough. Every part of him except the part that showered, drank coffee, packed a lunch for the ranch. Every part of him except the part that drove to work, rubbed the horses, counted the stock.

Midday he ate his lunch, sitting on hay in the barn. Felt the tendrils of the nightmare still, so real he could taste it. Ennis didn’t believe in heaven or hell, not really. He didn’t believe in signs or prophecies. He was a man of the earth, of dirt behind his fingernails. But what the hell kind of dream could feel so real? Maybe it was his last chance, and his mind knew it. Superstitious bullshit, one part said. Another part, quieter, said he was losing Jack one way or the other, and it was his own damn fault.

Shit, he’d already let Cassie go. Deserved better. Why’d he do that, anyway? Knew his heart wasn’t free. Maybe queer too, but mind skittered away from that.

What kind of man was he, anyway? Jack had been trying to tell him for twenty years, and all he’d ever done was throw it back at him, try to feel bigger by making the man feel small.

Maybe he’d already lost Jack. What he wanted, right? Normal life, no one looking at him funny? No fears of tire irons, Jack or him lying in a ditch?

Ennis found himself walking, walking strong. Told the foreman something, some bullshit, drove to the trailer, loaded food, couple of shirts, toothbrush. Left a note for the girls just in case. On his way out of Riverton, stopped at the pay phone, called the stable about his horses.

Driving just made it worse, the pain. Jack had driven those thousand miles few times a year for twenty years.

Every few miles, Ennis let up some on the accelerator. Felt the fear tug him back to Wyoming. Saw Earl in a ditch. Hated the part of himself that liked the muscles on Jack, the hardness, the trace of beard. Wanted to cut it out of himself with a knife.

Few miles outside of Childress, Ennis pulled into a wayside and stopped the truck. What had he been thinking? Waltz up to Jack’s house, then what? Ennis in his piece of shit truck, worn clothes, worn body? Jack wanted to quit him, anyway. Lying to him all these years, doing it with other men. Anger and pain lashing Ennis’ heart. Fuck Jack, right?

People at the wayside were looking at Ennis, looking at him like they knew. Wasn’t safe. Wasn’t right. Something to be done in the dark, in the wilderness. You don’t waltz up to someone’s door in the middle of fucking Childress and say sorry, Jack, want to change now after twenty years. And change to what? What the hell could they do, anyway? Weren’t moving to no city, couldn’t live like that. Shacking up? Probably kill each other. And if they didn’t, others would. And the stares, the whispers.

Ennis drove out of the wayside, headed back to Wyoming.

Twenty miles along, his gut cramped like the devil. Stopped the truck, knelt off to the side of the road, puking. The feeling he always had when he left Jack rose up in him, and a sob wrenched from the deepest place within him. Shit. Shit, shit. He was a coward, no doubt. Not a man at all. Never owning up to what was in him.

Back in the truck, all the way to Jack’s house. Steely resolve now. Big houses, manicured lawns, shiny cars. Ennis’ piece of shit truck, parked now in front. Felt like scum of the earth, but dragged his body to the door, pushed the bell. Couldn’t breathe. Probably having a heart attack. Wouldn’t that just be grand.

Footsteps coming to the door. Hat off head, hat in hand. Jack probably off fucking some foreman. Jack probably hated Ennis, would never get over the hate. Why should he? Ennis a coward for close on twenty years.

Door opened. Jack. Still haunted around the eyes. Ennis not able to breathe. Didn’t plan, didn’t know what to say.

Jack’s eyes wide, body stiff. Apparently not talking neither. Seconds ticking, staring at each other. Ennis gathering courage.

“Jack.” Rusty voice, barely could hear it. Eyes down low. Ennis raised his eyes, met Jack’s. “Jack.” A little louder now.

Jack, not moving a muscle. Low startle point. Eyes wary. “What’re you doin’, Ennis?”

“I. “ Ennis cleared his throat. “I don’t know, I …”

Jack’s eyes got harder.

“No, Jack, see, I. Your family here?”

“No, gone to fair. Few hours.” Jack looked at Ennis like you would an insect, a stray dog that wandered to your house. Ennis knew he’d lost him, it was too late. Desperation washed through him, remembering the days of waking into a world without Jack. Something in his soul shifted, became strong for just another minute.

Ennis looked Jack straight in the eyes. Took a breath. “Jack, I swear.” Tears in Ennis’ eyes. Couldn’t find words.

Something in Jack shifted a little, Ennis could see it.

“You drove here?”

“Yeah. Left yesterday. Left work and all.”

Ennis saw Jack consider. Ennis remembered Jack showing up at his place all happy after Ennis’ divorce. Remembered shutting Jack down, sending him away. Even so, Jack had met him on Brokeback a month later. Jack was thinking of sending Ennis away, Ennis could see it. Jack rubbed his face, glanced around the fancy houses.

“Ya better come in, Ennis. We standin’ here like this, neighbors’ll think you selling something and I’m buyin’.”

Ennis felt a wave of gratitude that Jack could still invite him in, after all this time, after all the un-inviting Ennis had done.

Jack stood aside, let Ennis walk past him into a rich cool house. As Ennis passed him, he felt the heat from Jack’s body, same as he always did. Felt his own body respond. Figured. All this heavy shit, and he had a hard on. Nothing changed. Jack did it to him every time.

So much to say. Words weren’t Ennis Del Mar’s strong suit, certainly not. But finding words now seemed impossible, ‘specially since Ennis didn’t know what he wanted to say. No clue. Man of few words come a thousand miles.

 

 

Every step into Jack’s house made Ennis curl further in on himself. Fancy paintings, fancy sofas, fancy floors even. On Brokeback it was easy to forget Jack didn’t live in no rusting trailer, didn’t eat food from a can. Sometimes Jack talked about taxes and shit like that, but usually a few days on Brokeback and he was himself again.

Jack’s clothes were nice, his trucks were nicer, but Jack breathed easy in the mountains, sure enough.

Ennis followed Jack to the living room, sat gingerly on a white sofa that had nothing of the Jack he knew in it. Jack sat across from him in some big soft chair. Jack never sat across from him, always sat next to him. Jack glanced at his silver watch. Jack never looked at his watch, ‘cept when their time was running out.

Jack was jumpy, foot tapping. Not looking straight at Ennis. Jack jumped up, said he had to make a phone call. Back in a minute. Jack walked, quick-like, down a hall, probably to the bedroom. Closed the door. Ennis heard his voice, muffled, soft at first, then rising.

Ennis never made it past ninth grade, but he wasn’t stupid. Wife and kid gone, Jack had an appointment. Not the business kind of appointment, neither. Rage took him hard, white-hot. Ennis driving all that way. He’d warned Jack, just last month.

Sickness slammed him in the gut a few seconds after the rage. Pictures swam in his mind, pictures of Jack, taking it from another man, whispering in another man’s ear, his mouth on another man’s body. In his dream, it’d been some ranch foreman. Shit.

Ennis lurched up, heading for the front door. Couldn’t make it, ducked into the bathroom. Sickness took him, hard this time.

Crouched over the toilet, after some time, Ennis felt Jack’s eyes on him. Jack was leaning on the doorframe, watching Ennis. Ennis scrambled to his feet, tried for the door. Jack didn’t move. Ennis shoved him, hard. His voice came out a low growl. “Get the fuck out a’ my way, Jack.”

“I don’t think so.” Jack’s voice like steel, like Ennis had never heard it ‘cept once, that one time being just last month. What had Jack become? Who was Jack, anyway, this man Ennis saw just a few days a year?

“Step out a’ my way, boy. Told ya’. Told ya’ might kill you, all them things I don’t know, all them things . . .” To his shame, Ennis’ voice broke. Rage took him again, and he grabbed Jack by the shoulders, threw him across the hall, made for the front door, boots clacking on the shiny tile.

The punch felled Ennis like a tree. Out of nowhere, a sucker punch. Ennis lay bleeding on the cool fancy tile of Jack’s front hall, clutching his jaw.

Jack stood in front of the door, blocking it. Ennis still lay on the floor, gasping, eyeing Jack.

Jack slowly lowered himself to sitting, back to the door. “You ain’t leavin’ my fuckin’ house Ennis. Not till we have it out. Why you’re here.” His eyes cut to the hallway to the bedroom. “All o’ it.”

Ennis raised his head. Murderous intent in his eyes.

“You can try, Ennis. Sure ‘nuff you could beat the crap out of me, probably kill me.” Jack sighed, a defeated sound. Maybe that’d be better.” Jack lowered his eyes, raised them again to Ennis’, and Ennis saw something new in them, something he hadn’t seen in a long time. Jack took a breath. Jack’s voice came out soft. “That what you come here for, Ennis?”

The pain in Ennis’ jaw was letting up just enough that he could think, if thinking is what you called it. He felt rage, wanted to tear Jack limb from limb. He felt a nameless softness toward this soft Jack. He felt shame, hot stabs of shame for ever looking at a man, ever touching a man, not a woman, like God intended.

Underneath it all, Ennis’ nightmare whispered to him of lonely days and nights, stretching on till death, filling him with what he vaguely realized must be fear.

Ennis could smell Jack from where he lay. He smelled of sweat and fancy shampoo and something else, something musky that was just Jack. And, suddenly, absurdly, Ennis felt lust, lying there with blood on the floor, vomit in his mouth, staring at Jack splayed out in front of the door.

Jack, who had always understood Ennis’ feelings better than Ennis, looked straight at Ennis, said, “I ain’t no girl, Ennis. Don’t need no sweet talk. That’s something you like ‘bout me.”

The air shifted between them, just like that. Ennis crawled to Jack, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. Jack reached a hand and grabbed Ennis’ head, pulled him to his mouth. Ennis crawled between Jack’s legs, taking Jack’s mouth hard. Jack’s arms went round Ennis’ neck, held Ennis fast.

Ennis tried to head down Jack’s jaw, but Jack’s hands kept pulling him back to his mouth. Jack was kissing the hell out of him, hands grabbing Ennis’ hair, tongue deep in Ennis’ mouth.

Ennis grabbed Jack’s hands, forced them up and back against the door, pinned Jack’s wrists there above his head. Ennis licked a trail down Jack’s jaw, swirled in his ear, headed down his neck. Ennis wanted to devour Jack, swallow him whole. Jack moaned.

Jack was straining his hips up now, trying to rub against Ennis, but Ennis held his own body up, out of reach. Ennis shifted his grip so both Jack’s wrists were held in Ennis’ left hand, pinned fierce against the door. Ennis reached his right hand down and started flipping the buttons of Jack’s shirt open, one by one, his mouth never leaving Jack’s skin, trailing further and further down Jack’s chest. Jack moaned louder.

Ennis got Jack’s shirt unbuttoned, pushed it aside with his hand, licked a nipple. Jack practically levitated off the floor. “Fuck! Ennis!” Ennis licked harder, grabbed the nipple softly between teeth, pulled. Jack struggled to get his hands free, whimpering. Ennis pressed them harder against the door, returned to Jack’s mouth, tongue pushing in hard. Ennis forced himself not to grind against Jack. Jack moaned, said “Ennis.” “Ennis, please.”

Ennis pulled his mouth away from Jack’s. “Please what, Jack?” Ennis managed to whisper.

Jack banged his head back against the door. “Oh, fuck. Sadist. Need ya’.”

Ennis growled, lowered his body against Jack’s. Awkward position, but sexy as hell, Jack’s arms over his head, held fast in Ennis’ left hand, Ennis’ right hand now circling under Jack’s ass, Ennis’ body grinding into Jack’s, Jack lifting up, both of them trying to fuck each other through layers of jeans.

Ennis felt his control slipping. Could a guy almost forty years old come in his pants from a dry hump? Appeared so. Jack, breathing hard, apparently of the same mind, said “Ennis, not like this, not like this, gonna shoot you’re so fuckin’ good.”

Panting, Ennis pulled himself off Jack a few inches, saw Jack’s eyes closed, saw Jack’s body writhe toward Ennis’ body, like the hand of a compass heading north. Ennis waited there, just waited, panting, till Jack opened his eyes. “C’mon, Ennis.”

Ennis didn’t recognize his own voice it was so low. “Should make you beg, friend.”

Jack’s eyes turned liquid. “Jesus H., Ennis. You never talked ‘a me like that afore.”

Ennis wrenched Jack’s wrists even harder against the door, reached in and licked, fucking licked a hot line across Jack’s lips. Jack gasped. Ennis pulled back a few inches. “Never drove to fuckin’ Childress ‘afore, neither, huh? Lot o’ things I never done ‘afore, Jack.” Ennis’ right hand pulled Jack by his ass right up against him, and Ennis ground hard. Jack’s eyed rolled up, and Ennis felt Jack’s whole body trembling like a leaf under him.

Jack murmered, “I swear, Ennis, you don’t fuck me now, gonna’ come just from you talkin’.” Ennis groaned, couldn’t help it, then let go Jack’s hands. Jack reached for Ennis’ belt, but his hands were shaking too bad, they couldn’t do it. Ennis scrabbled for his own belt as Jack did the same, of one mind now if never again or since.

Both of them pushed their own jeans down, frantic, Jack turning, one hand pressed palm on the door, one on the floor, saying “c’mon, c’mon,” Ennis spitting, hadn’t done it on just spit for awhile, but wasn’t going to stop for nothing. The push, then Ennis trying to wait, trying to hold still to let Jack adjust, but fuck, Jack was pushing back, leveraging his strength against the door, moaning “Ennis, Ennis,” and Ennis remembered Jack’s muffled conversation on the phone in the bedroom, and pushed hard, grabbed Jack’s hips and held him still, lowered his teeth and sunk them in Jack’s shoulder. A shudder shook Jack’s body.

Jack was babbling, incoherent, but Ennis heard “more” and “c’mon,” and he pounded into him and reached around and wrapped his hand hard around Jack, merciless. Jack came on a groan, rising to a no shit scream, and then Ennis was coming, in a blinding hot flash that went on and on, and he heard a voice, probably his own, growling “mine, Jack.”

 

 

Ennis lay unaware for a time on top of Jack, who had collapsed to the floor underneath him. The world around him returned in pieces. His nose lay buried in Jack’s hair, which curled, slick with sweat, against his neck. Ennis’ hands were clenched in the edges of Jack’s shirt.

He was shaking.

No, it wasn’t Ennis who was shaking. It was Jack underneath him who was shaking.

What the hell? Ennis withdrew slowly, unclenched his fingers from Jack’s shirt, rolled off to the side. Jack was still shaking, silent. “Jack?”

No response. Jack’s face was hidden, facing the floor, his arm thrown tight over his eyes.

“Bud?” Ennis reached out, tried to pull Jack’s arm off his face. Jack wrenched his arm back, turned his face away from Ennis. Warmth stabbed in Ennis’ gut, but this time it felt like butterfly wings. He was acquainted with the feeling, but usually he just waited it out. He felt a desire to do something different this time.

Somewhere in Jack’s house, a phone started ringing.

Jack tensed, pushed up, back to Ennis, swiped his wrinkled shirtsleeve fast over his face. The phone continued to ring. Glancing at his watch, Jack said “Oh, shit.” He pulled on his pants, rose to his feet.

Ennis sat up, pulled on his jeans as Jack walked down the hall, toward the ringing phone. Jack called back, “fuckin’ phone. I’ll be jus’ a sec. We’re goin’ ta’ have ta’ clean up this place pronto. Wife and kid.”

Jack didn’t close the door to the bedroom this time. Ennis glanced around him, saw blood on Jack’s fancy tile. Blood and who knew what else. There was a definite dent in Jack’s wall. Didn’t realize he’d thrown Jack so hard. He looked away from the wall.

Jack’s voice on the phone filtered to the entry, clear as day. “Fuck you. Told you somethin’ came up!”

Ennis heard the phone slam down as he leveraged himself to his feet. His jaw was starting to ache, bad. Knees were killin’ him. Heart startin’ to hurt again, too.

Jack appeared again, took a look at Ennis, whistled. “Jesus, Ennis, didn’t mean ta’ clock ya’ so good.”

Ennis, despite himself, snorted. “I’m thinkin’ maybe ya’ did.”

The corners of Jack’s mouth turned up. “Yeah, well, I may not be walkin’ right fer a week or more.”

Something bloomed in Ennis’ chest. Jack’s eyes were very blue. His hair, graying at the edges, was tousled. Jack looked Ennis right in the eye, eyes open and clear. Ennis took a step toward Jack.

The phone rang.

Jack shut his eyes, let out his breath, clenched his head with his hand. “Fuck.”

Ennis saw in his mind’s eye some stallion, some bulked up fella’, or, maybe worse, some rich rancher with jewelry. Or a young guy, crazy in love with Jack. “Fuck you, Jack Twist,” Ennis said, turning and walking toward the door.

“Ennis, stop. Ain’t what you think.”

Ennis stopped, turned, advanced on Jack. “Don’t lie t’ me Jack. Stand anythin’ but the lyin’, goddamnit. “

The phone kept ringing, relentless.

Jack took a step toward Ennis. “That true, Ennis? ’Cause I’m thinkin’ you wan’ me ta’ lie. You can have your coupla’ fucks a year with someone with a dick, and not never think ‘bout what that might mean.”

Ennis had to suck in extra air to breathe. His chest heaved.

The phone stopped ringing.

Jack took another step toward Ennis. “Tell you what. “ Jack’s eyes narrowed. “Truth is --. You know, you sonofabitch, why you makin’ me say it? Tryin to - ” Jack’s voice faltered. He covered his eyes with his hand for a minute, then raised them again to Ennis’ face. His eyes had that defeated look Ennis remembered from last month on Brokeback. “Why you here anyway, Ennis?”

Why was he here? How the fuck had he ended up in Childress, Texas, in Jack Twist’s white house? Jack’s cheatin’ rubbed in his face, his own beat-up pickup on Jack’s fancy street, his own beat-up body on Jack’s shiny tile. Seein’ Jack’s fancy sofas and entryways?

Exhaustion hit Ennis all at once, in a giant consuming wave like prairie fire.

Ennis shook his head, pursed his lips, dug the tip of his shoe into the floor. Found a spot on that floor to look at. “You’re right. Shouldn’t a’ come. Be goin’.”

Ennis heard Jack’s sigh. “Just Ennis, please. Just let me clean this place up and we’ll get out a’ here, find a place to talk, or fer you t’ rest at leas’.”

“I don’ know. Mistake.” Ennis’ voice sounded weak.

“Ennis! “ Jack was using his growly voice. “You come a’ thousand miles or so in that piece a’shit, I ain’t lettin’ you go back till ya’ at leas’ rested. “

“Well.” Ennis kept his eyes on the floor. He could hardly stand.

“Friend, I traveled that road almost twenty years. Ain’t lettin’ you get back on it right now. Come sit while I fix things up, get some crap.“

Ennis walked where Jack told him, groggy, to the sofa. Next he knew, Jack was standing next to him. Jack’s voice was low. “Ennis, you sleepin’ on your feet like a horse.” Ennis’ gut did a flip-flop.

Jack’s voice was almost a whisper now. “Sit down, cowboy.”

Ennis sat.

Next thing Ennis knew, Jack was pushing a cup of coffee and a sandwich in his hand. “You even ate, Ennis?”

“Whuh?” Ennis’ head felt full of fluff.

“We gotta get out a’ here, Ennis. Lureen gonna come back any minute. She’s not stupid as she used a’ be, she’ll know somethin’s up she sees us together.”

Ennis grunted, started ripping bites out of the sandwich, bolting the coffee. Noticed his hands were shaking.

“Been doin’ some thinkin’. Cain’t leave your truck out there. Gonna leave a note says ol’ friend come by, gone with him a few days. Know a place we kin go.”

Ennis, still foggy, grunted again, which Jack seemed to take for assent. Jack nodded. “Let’s go, then.” Jack had a suitcase, pressed a grocery bag into Ennis’ hands. Ennis followed Jack out through the front door. The blood and everything else had been cleaned off the shiny floor. Nothing to be done about the wall.

Jack said, “I better drive.” Ennis fished for the key, still miraculously buried deep in his jeans’ pocket, tossed it to Jack, who caught it, one-handed.

Ennis felt his mouth curl up. His voice came out rusty as they crossed Jack’s yard to the curb. “Been workin’ on those reflexes, friend?”

Jack shoved Ennis. “Fuck you.”

Ennis laughed, first real laugh in a long time, got in the truck “I don’ think so.”

Jack pulled the truck away from the curb, threw Ennis a glance through his lashes. “Think again, cowboy.”

Ennis tried to keep his face stern. Jack laughed. Been some time since Ennis’d heard Jack laugh.

Ennis curled into the seat, and didn’t know anything more till the truck stopped, some hours later. Jack was out of the truck already, feeling around near the ground in front of a cabin. They were apparently in the woods in some mountains. Scrawny Texas mountains, but still, Ennis could smell pine.

Ennis couldn’t see much. Dusk, night falling fast. Needles crunched under his boots as he joined Jack.

Jack straightened, key in hand. “Found it.”

Ennis appraised the cabin, whistled. “This yours?”

Jack shook his head. “Nah. Friend of mine’s.” Jack opened the door, didn’t look at Ennis. “Ya hungry?”

Ennis followed Jack in the door. “Could eat a horse.” Ennis took in a huge room with vaulted ceilings, river rock fireplace to the roof, rich carpet. Jack walked behind a counter into a kitchen, started unloading groceries, beer, got out buns. Ennis fired up the stove, started some burgers in a pan. “Ketchup?”

“In the fridge.” Ennis shot a glance at Jack. Jack’s face was blank.

“Ya come here a lot?”

Jack shook his head. “Nah. Coupla’ times.”

Ennis’ stomach churned, only partly from hunger.

After devouring the meal, they took turns cleaning up. Ennis did dishes till Jack was done, trying not to think about Jack, naked, water running off his body in droplets. Ennis felt strange in the fancy bathroom when it was his turn. Huge mirrored reflection showed a haggard stranger. The bruise on his jaw from Jack’s punch was rising, mottled and purple. Still, he shaved, put on his cleanest shirt.

Ennis emerged, saw Jack had laid a fire, was sitting with long legs stretched out on the floor, bare feet to fire, back to sofa. Jack’s forehead was crinkled, eyes gazing into the fire. Million miles away.

Ennis approached Jack warily, slid down a couple of feet away. The silence stretched for some time.

Jack finally spoke. “Sorry ‘bout the punch. Sore?”

“Nah.” Ennis looked at Jack through the sides of his eyes. “Owed ya’.”

“From twenty years ago?”

“Uh huh.”

Jack seemed to consider this for awhile. “Girls doin’ good?”

“Yeah. Junior’s settin’ up for graduatin’ high school.”

“Right. Still can’t believe she’s that old.”

“Yup, crazy. Bobby’s readin’ still better?”

“Doin’ real good.” Jack leaned forward, opened a cupboard to one side of the fireplace, took out whisky and two glasses.

Ennis narrowed his eyes. “Nice place you brought me to, Jack. Real nice.”

Jack shook his head. “Ain’t gonna get into this with you, Ennis.”

“All the places, ya’ had to bring me here.”

Jack slammed the glasses and bottle down. “Best I could do, ya’ droppin’ in out a’ the sky. Ya want I shoulda took ya’ to the Childress No Tell Mo-tel? That what you want? Or how ‘bout we just stay with Lureen? “

Ennis closed his eyes, reached for anger. “Sonofabitch. I oughta kill you.”

Jack murmered, “like ta’ see ya’ try.”

A tide of red anger lapped at Ennis. But something occurred to him, out of the blue like, almost twenty years on. The question was leaving his mouth before he knew it. “Why ain’t you afraid of me, Jack? Most folks is, little bit.”

Jack sighed. “I ain’t never been afraid a’ you, Ennis. Know you, always did. One of them things ya’ like ‘bout me. Bet your girls ain’t ‘fraid of you neither.”

Ennis snorted, turned his face back to the fire. “Since y’ know so much about me, tell me what else I like ‘bout you, ‘cause right now sittin’ in some sugar daddy’s cabin I cain’t rightly recall.”

Jack kicked the door to the liquor cupboard closed, hard, sat up tall. “Ya’ like ‘bout me that I don’t pester you with questions like a gal, like what the fuck you doin’ showin’ up in Childress middle of the fuckin’ afternoon, no sleep, no food, last words ya’ said ta me bein’ ya’ couldn’t stand a’ be with me no more!” Jack’s voice had risen with every word.

“Had a dream.”

There was silence.

“Ya’ had a dream.” Jack, incredulous.

“Had a dream.” There was more silence. Ennis couldn’t make the words come. Telling Jack the dream would strip the manhood right off him, might as well just paint “queer” cross his forehead, drag him around by the dick. Never hear the end of it from Jack, neither.

Jack stood up. “Fuck, Ennis, I give up. I’m tired. I’m going a’ bed.” Jack walked away, down the hall.

Ennis watched the flames, saw a log consume itself and fall into ash. Jack was rich now, still a head-turnin’ beauty even with a bit of padding. Wasn’t meant to be, Jack with a grey old guy like Ennis. Why fight it, why not just let be. Wasn’t so bad, and if you didn’t stick your head out, no one could ever knock it off. Dreams was dreams, but Ennis wasn’t no one to stick his neck out.

Ennis glanced at the hall, pictured Jack getting ready for bed. He rubbed his hands together, feeling the warmth of the fire on his fingers. Took him back to their second night on Brokeback, all those years ago, Jack in the tent, waiting, hoping. Didn’t rightly know if Jack even hoped no more.

Ennis found himself leaning on the doorframe of the bedroom. He saw Jack, outlined in moonlight, lying on the far side of the bed, back turned to the door. “Jack, you take my shirt?”

Jack turned his face towards the door. His voice was a hiss. “What?”

“Back on Brokeback. First time. End of summer. You take my shirt?”

There was a slight pause. “What're you talkin’ about?”

“Remember I lost my shirt? In my dream, you took it. You do that?”

Jack stared at Ennis full on. He shifted, shamed look in his eyes. “Yeah, I kep’ your fuckin’ shirt.”

Ennis walked into the bedroom, collapsed sitting on the edge of the bed, back to Jack. He pressed his fingers into his eyes. “You still have it?”

Ennis could feel Jack considering what to say, whether to lie. Guessed he knew Jack ‘bout as well as Jack knew him, after all. Jack went with truth, defiant-like. “Yeah, I got it.”

“Your folks’ place?”

“Nah, Childress. Dresser.”

Ennis breathed out.

Ennis’ voice came out small. “In my dream. Not a regular dream. Real-like. Went on forever. You died. Was killed. ‘Ya’ got careless, men and all. I -- .”

Ennis stopped. Tears sprang into his eyes. Why couldn’t he talk, what was wrong with him? In a cabin with Jack in some pissant place out in godforsaken Texas, his last chance, he fuckin’ knew that, what was the point a’ not talkin’?

Jack sat up, back against the bedframe, silent. Jack wasn’t cuttin’ him no slack.

Ennis took a deep breath. “I got old. Lived alone. Wanted night ta’ come, ‘cause then I dreamed a’ you.”

Jack was still silent. Ennis felt exhaustion settle on him again. “I know yer’ probly movin’ on, bud, can’t really say as I blame ya’. I’ll head on out firs’ light – .“

A choked noise from behind him on the bed stopped Ennis. Ennis turned. Saw Jack, fist to mouth, eyes wet. Jack moved his fist, swiped at his eyes. “You asshole! Sonofabitch! Just when I ‘cide I cain’t take it no more, ya’ come waltzing in talkin’ ‘bout some dream but then you headin’ out again! Ennis Del Mar, you the stupidest son of a bitch I ever seen! I cain’t never move on! I try, it don’t work, won’t never work even if I never see ya’ again’ in my life! First time I saw you, first time, I knew what it was. Like a hun’red gushin’ rivers, like tamin’ that mare. Never goes away, never enough --.” Jack was full out crying now.

Jack’d seen Ennis tear up plenty of times, sure enough, but Jack never had cried, never in all those years had Ennis see Jack cry.

Ennis’ hand reached out. “Jack.”

Jack pushed his hand away. “Stay the fuck away from me! You’re here to fuck with me? Walk away again? Swear I’m done! You had some dream, but you not never goin’ a be able to change, so you’s just fuckin’ with me!”

“No, Jack - .”

“You ain’t thought it through, you just come here! Minute you think on it fer real, you won’t be able ta’ do it. Then where’ll I be? Back in the same shithole place I always been.”

Ennis couldn’t stand it anymore. He crawled over to Jack, eyes full, tried to bring him into his arms.

Jack pushed him away. “Leave me alone! You ain’t mean, Ennis, don’t you get it, you cain’t shit, so you gotta get off the pot!”

“Jack, I wanna try. Why I’m here.”

“Too late for tryin’, Ennis.”

A sob he didn’t know was there crawled its way out of Ennis’ throat and he felt himself collapse onto the bed, onto Jack. Ennis crawled up Jack’s body, wrapped his arms around Jack. Jack tried to push him away, but Ennis just held tighter. He pulled Jack all the way in his arms, cradled Jack’s head against his chest.

Ennis began to stroke Jack’s hair, kiss the top of his head, rock in a tiny motion. Words pushed out of Ennis’ mouth. “Little darlin’.” Jack sobbed hard then, burying his head in Ennis’ shirt. Tears sprang into Ennis’ eyes and he let them stay, rocked Jack in his arms.

After some time, after they’d been quiet for a long spell, Jack pulled back a bit, blew out a puff of air. His hair, gray and jet together, was curling, his eyes bluer than ever against his flushed skin. His voice croaked. “Shit.” He looked away from Ennis, wouldn’t hold his eyes.

Ennis’ hand, apparently with a mind of its own, reached out, cradled Jack’s face back toward him, thumb brushing under Jack’s eyes where a tear track still glistened. Jack raised his eyes reluctantly to Ennis. Ennis lifted the corner of his mouth. “Jack fucking Twist, you slay me. S’okay to have my dick up you, but you ain’t a man now ‘cause you cried one time in your sorry life.”

Jack still looked shamed.

Ennis took a deep breath. “Jack. In my dream, this dream I had, I cried every mornin’ and every night. Then I woke up for real, cried some more. Never felt so --. Nothing ever so bad as that. You not in the world. Didn’t know. Knew but didn’t wanna.”

Jack stared at Ennis.

Jack kissed Ennis, soft like butterfy wings, covering his mouth, his cheeks, his eyes, pressing him back and down onto the bed. Tears still leaked out of Ennis’ eyes as Jack kissed down his body, removing clothing along the way, nuzzling and then lingering, frequently returning to lips, then ducking down.

When Jack finally took Ennis in his mouth, Ennis was floating, unable to move, feeling the butterfly kisses everywhere, like nothing felt before. A powerful yearning came on him. “Jack.” He was acquainted with the feeling, usually just waited it out. “Jack, want you, Jack, stop.” Jack kissed his way back up Ennis, arriving at Ennis’ trembling mouth in time to hear him say “Jack, want you. In me.” First time for everything under God’s sun. Jack hovered over Ennis’ mouth, closed his eyes. Took a breath. Opened his eyes, breathed “sure?”. Ennis nodded, started to roll. Jack stopped him on his side.

“Best this way first time.” Jack spooned up behind him. Jack’s voice was in his ear. “Gonna make it good for you, Ennis. Best I can.” Ennis felt a shudder run up his spine, a licked finger behind. Jack’s voice came low in his ear. “Tell me you feel any hurt.” A finger in slow, then further in. Ennis’ body broke out all over in sweat. Slow sliding, gentle, then after some time, another finger joined, pushing, in and out.

Jack’s voice in his ear making him like to die, “That’s it, Ennis, just relax, be good in a minute, I’ll make it good fer you.” Something brushed inside made a jolt course up his spine, pleasure so strong there was no word for it. He knew ‘bout this ‘cause of Jack, but knowing wasn’t the same as feeling. He felt his body buck back, trying for more. Jack’s voice in his ear breathier now, “Ennis.” Ennis tried to breathe, get air to speak. Couldn’t. Tried again. “Jack, now.”

Fingers sliding out, slow, no pain, Jack’s clothes coming off. Ennis dazed. Jack back behind him now, kissing his neck, his ear, his shoulders, reaching around to touch his cock, stroke it gently once or twice. Then impossible size behind, pushing in a little, Jack panting in his ear, “relax now Ennis, gonna’ take it so slow, oh my God, so sweet.” Jack hovering there, hardly breaching. Ennis whispering, “Jack,” Jack moaning in his ear, pushing in past resistance, Ennis full, Jack saying “oh fuck!” Jack pausing, breathing, gathering himself, Ennis could tell.

Ennis full and wanting more, pushing back just a little, Jack tilting a little, pulling out, pushing in and pleasure with every push, pleasure in a red wave, Jack in his ear “that’s it Ennis, oh my God so fuckin’ good,” Jack’s hand reaching around, stroking him.

Can’t tell what’s cock and what’s ass, all blinding pleasure with Jack filling him, Jack all around him. Words spilling out like a door was opened, “Jack, God, oh my God, more, fuck yes, darlin’.” Pleasure taking him hard, like a fist, like never felt before, Jack behind, in front, inside, a wave going on and on, then cresting impossibly higher when Jack, in his ear and inside his body, panted, “I’m gonna’ shoot, gonna’ come inside you Ennis, oh sweet --” and Ennis could feel him, inside, filling him.

A long while later, Jack’s arms still tight round Ennis, Ennis’ hands still clasping Jack’s arms, Jack said low, hard and gentle at once, “this don’t fix nothin’, ya’ know.”

“Don’t I know it,” said Ennis, and pulled Jack’s arms tighter round him.

 

 

Ennis, still a man of hard work and early risings, slipped out of the warm bed when the sun was weak. Showered, made some coffee, toast. Needed something to do, no horses, no stock. Found some wood, an axe, started chopping. After awhile, the morning sun strengthened. Sweating, Ennis took off his shirt.

A pile of firewood lay in front of him by the time he felt eyes on him. Saw Jack out of the corners of his eyes. Jack gazing at Ennis’ body, two cups of coffee hanging forgotten, certain look in his eyes and jaw. Ennis resisted an urge to flex his muscles a little more, kept swinging. True, he’d kept his body taut with years of labor. Maybe he wasn’t completely washed up; muscles roped in his arms, stomach still tight. His hair had no grey in it yet neither, and it curled long against his neck, framed his eyes. Ennis felt a bloom rise to his sun-warmed cheeks under the heat of Jack’s gaze, which flushed to full flower when he thought on last night.

Jack stepped down off the deck, approached Ennis, coffee cup in outstretched hand. “Brought ya’ a cup.”

Ennis grunted, took the cup, not making eye contact. Jack’s hand might have been trembling. Ennis stopped those thoughts, swallowed coffee, feeling sweat trickling down his chest.

Ennis heard Jack swallow. “Y’all right and all?”

Ennis grunted, “yup,” still looking at the ground.

Jack nodded. “Okay, then.”

Ennis snuck a glance under his hat. Jack was looking straight at him, and Ennis’ eyes were snagged against his will. Jack took a step closer, glanced at Ennis’ chest and watched a droplet of sweat gather speed from where it had been hovering. Ennis felt it roll down his stomach, all the way behind the waist of his jeans, low and loose. Jack looked back up to his eyes. Spark that snapped between them, fiercer than ever, forced an exhale from Ennis’ mouth.

Jack, coffee dribbling onto the ground, breathed, “Jesus, Ennis.”

Ennis managed, “Ya’ said it don’ fix nothin’.”

“Shut up, Ennis.”

Ennis shut up. Jack, holding Ennis’ eyes, reached for the zip to his jeans and slid slowly to his knees. Time seemed to slow, any blood left in the rest of Ennis’ body rushing all to the one place. Ennis not bothering today with underwear, Jack had him out in seconds. Jack, sometimes a lingerer, today rushed ahead on the straight road, taking him in hard and deep. Ennis’ legs weakened, couldn’t stand for the strength of his want. Jack’s arms went round his hips, supporting him, stroking.

The sun, the pine trees, then finally Jack. Couldn’t stand to look, couldn’t stand not to. Nothing never so hot, never, as Jack, not a young buck no more, on his knees broad daylight, mouth wrapped round. Ennis’ hands, own accord, went to Jack’s hair, thick still after all the years. Trying not to pull, they rested, twisted in his hair. Jack, having none of it, growled, going deeper, and Ennis, liberated by Jack’s want, moved his hands to the back of Jack’s head, held him hard against him.

Now everything was fast, hard, and Jack didn’t never pull back. Ennis couldn’t keep his eyes open no more, felt the mountain sun on his face, and came, blindingly hard, into Jack’s beautiful mouth. Next thing he knew, he was collapsing into the dirt, legs wouldn’t stand no more. Jack was wiping the corner of his mouth, eyes dark.

The force of his desire to have Jack the same way hit Ennis hard. Pushing Jack over on his back, Ennis unzipped him, took him in fierce, Jack slick and gasping just like that.

Long time past, Ennis had learned to do this. This, something a gal did, a queer did, different than just fuckin’ a different place. But long time past he’d decided weren’t fair, couldn’t just lie there knowin’ felt so good, Jack put out he didn’t. Not fair, so he did it good and proper all those years.

Today, sun on his back, Jack’s hands in his hair, Ennis let himself see, first time, how he felt deep down doin’ this. Truth was hard. Died to have Jack’s cock on his tongue, straining thighs under his hands. The hardness, the softness, all wrapped up together, better than any woman. Not done to be fair despite the fact Jack was a man, done ‘cause Jack was a man, ‘cause he was Jack.

Fuck, Ennis so far out of his ordinary way of thinking anyway, lit on a thought sometimes had, always pushed back, nasty. Ennis yanked Jack’s jeans down and off, Jack barefoot anyway, left Jack’s cock, started licking down and further back. Ennis never used nothin’ but his cock back there, nor let Jack do none a’ that shit to him till last night, but now, in for a penny in for a pound, let his tongue lick, then a finger brush.

Jack thrashed under him like a fish on a line, gasping “Ennis!” or “yes!”, not sure which. Why not, why the fuck not at this point, so he licked some more, then worked a finger in. Pulled back to look at Jack’s face, what the hell, Jack moaning now like to wake the dead. Powerful urge to see Jack’s eyes, they finally opened on Ennis, then adding a finger, hitting gold, Jack saying “fuck! Ennis, Jesus!,” then not saying words just sounds. Ennis feelin’ the urge, leaning down to suck Jack’s cock again, fingers exploring, feeling Jack clench, hearing him moan like never heard before, feeling come in his mouth in a flood, swallowing some just to bring the point home. Aftershocks rippling through Jack’s body, Ennis feeling them head to toe.

Lay there like that a long time, Ennis feeling Jack’s breaths move his stomach up and down, feeling Jack’s body relax and loosen into the pine-covered ground.

Ennis first to speak. “Haven’t done it on the ground like that fer some time.”

Jack chuckled, hesitated, then spoke. “Haven’t done it like that, never. Two new things one day, Ennis – earth might stop spinnin’ here.”

Ennis, suddenly overcome with newness, strangeness, uncertainty, even the sunlight, harsh in his eyes. Earl in a ditch, Ennis queer now no doubt. Hating it still, hating it more’n ever. Hating Jack making a joke, hating Jack, hating himself. Heard himself say, sarcastic-like, “New to me, not new ta’ you, no doubt.”

Jack’s whole body stiffened under him. “Fuck you, Ennis.”

“Well, I’m tired a’ ya’ lyin’. And cheatin’.”

“You cheatin’ on me with that gal, that waitress.”

“Ain’t the same. ‘Sides, quit her.”

“When that happen?”

“Uh. D’know, don’t matter.”

Jack rolled, sat up. “Boy, you’re full a shit, and that’s no lie.”

“I ain’t never lied t’ you!”

Jack laughed, bitter laugh of twenty winters. “Ennis, you lyin’ your whole life. You lyin’ when you married Alma. When ya’ puttin’ the blocks to that gal. When ya’ say ya’don’t know why or when ya’ quit her. When ya’ say that’s not cheatin’, but men is.”

“I ain’t queer! Only done this with you.” Ennis took a breath. “ Not like you. You ‘parently cattin’ around’ with half o’ Texas! How long ya’ been screwin’ around on me Jack, huh? You ready ta’ tell me somethin’ true for once?”

Jack pulled on his jeans. “I’ll tell you somethin’ true when you tell yerself the truth, Ennis.”

Ennis’ voice went nasty. “Ya’ done that afore, Jack, ‘nother man’s hand up there, huh?” Ennis despising himself even as he said it, knowing he was lashing out like a dog in a trap, hating it but lovin’ it all at the same time.

Jack turned to look at Ennis. Cold rage Ennis’d never seen. “That’s the nastiest thing you’ve ever said to me, Ennis Del Mar, you son of a whoreson bitch, and you’ve said some doozies.”

Jack adjusted pants, got to his feet. “I’m goin’ ta’ town. Gotta make some phone calls, get some shit. Gonna have ta’ go back a’ Childress tomorrow. First light. You’ll be able ta’ be on the road ta’ Wyomin’ noon latest.” Jack went into the cabin, was slamming the door on his way back out before Ennis could think. Jack headed toward the truck. “ I’ll be back in a coupla’ hours.”

Jack took a few more steps, shot back over his shoulder, voice the Wyoming snow, “If you’re lucky.”

Ennis just lay there staring up at blue sky, long past the time he heard Jack start the truck, rev the engine hard, squeal out on gravel. Fleecy clouds marched slowly across the blue, a blue you could drown in looking up.

A cold cramp clenched Ennis’ stomach remembering Jack in his dream. Ennis felt like he was drowning in his own blood. Drowning in his own thoughts, roiling in his head. “Jack Nasty,” Alma had said. But it weren’t Jack was nasty, it was Ennis. He was queer, leastways for Jack, and maybe when he thought on it, always was.

What kind of man takes his wife like that if she don’ want it? What kind a’ man watches Jack’s long legs first day he saw him, watches him cling onto that mare? Maybe his Daddy so harsh on Ennis, nine years old seein’ Earl, ‘cause he suspected.

So now Jack was sick of his shit, who wouldn’t be. Probably lost him for good, Jack seeing again, just now, it weren’t no good.

Eventually, Ennis pulled up his jeans, sat up. Stared at the two coffee cups lying on the ground, contents long since mingled and soaked into the earth.

Probably better he let Jack go, let him go to the fella whose ground he sat on, the fella Jack was probably talkin’ to right now on some pissant Texas pay phone. Probably better for Jack, someone nicer and better, not all fucked up and full of fear. ‘Cause Ennis saw it was fear, all of it. Two ways fer a coward a’ deal with that: drink or fight. One of them, he’d already took care of.

Ennis stumbled into the cabin, headed straight for the cabinet next to the fireplace, pulled out the whiskey and a glass, poured it full. Was about to drain the glass in one swallow and head back for more when he saw Jack’s shirt, the one he’d had on in the dirt, crumpled on the sofa. Jack must’ve thrown it off to change ‘fore he went to town. Shaking, Ennis set down the glass, reached for the shirt, held it to his face, buried his face in it, soaking in smell of Jack, feel of Jack.

Jack deserved a man, not some sniveling fool didn’t know his own self, couldn’t stand up and say what’s true. Jack deserved more than Ennis could give.

But, in his dream, Jack didn’t want no one else, Jack wanted him. After everything, despite it all, Jack’d kept his shirt and wrapped his own around it. And this Jack, the real Jack, told Ennis just last night he did have that shirt, in a drawer in his fancy house in Childress, he had taken it, had kept it, all these years. The blood on that shirt had been his and Jack’s, mingled together, like the damn sheep.

Jack’d been telling him, telling him all these years, all he wanted was Ennis. Didn’t make sense, Jack could have anyone he wanted, but he wanted Ennis. Leastwise he did till Ennis put the final nail in the coffin back on Brokeback last month. And then today.

What could Jack think, Ennis mocking Jack all those years, Jack a braver man than him? Ennis felt shame, shame so thick it burned up his throat, stuck in his lungs.

The Ennis he’d always been would drink whiskey now till all these thoughts were gone, seal his fate for sure so he didn’t never have to hear his own mind accusin’ him of nothin’. Ennis set the glass on the hearth and stared at it. The whiskey glowed: tempting oblivion. Didn’t need no dream ta’ tell him his fate if he drank it now. Would be the trailer and all alone till death. And one way or the other, he might be killin’ Jack too.

Didn’t drink it, there was a chance. Not much a’ one at this point, but a chance. Probably losing Jack regardless, but why not go out in a blaze a’ glory? Jack deserved that, maybe even Ennis deserved that, he going to dream ‘bout Jack every day of his life regardless.

Ennis stood, hardest thing he ever did, ever, lifted the glass onto the mantle, left it, went outside, picked up the coffee cups, came in, started cleaning. Dishes, bathroom, bedroom, fireplace. Started cooking, some chicken Jack’d brought first day. Made a salad. When Jack didn’t come, made a sort of cake from stuff he found in bins, using a cookbook and a bit of a memory. Laid it all out nice on the table, didn’t care made him seem like a gal. Searched his heart; really didn’t give a fuck.

Finally eight o’clock at night still no Jack, built a fire, sat, just waited.

Eight thirty heard the truck. Ennis’ heart leapt into his mouth, stomach tightened. Jack stormed in, stopped in his tracks for a minute, shot a glance to Ennis.

“Jack.” Ennis’ voice cracked. He closed his eyes. Jack took a couple of steps toward the hall, stopped, said “Ain’t doin’ this no more, Ennis. Packin,’ out a’ here first light.”

“Jack, just let me --. Just sit for a minute, just a minute, got somethin’ ta’ say then I’ll never bother ya’ again ya’ don’t want me to.”

“I’m done, boy.”

“I know. You got every right. But what I said today? Ain’t the nastiest thing I ever said ta’ ya’.”

Jack sighed, came to the sofa and sat, as far from where Ennis sat as possible, crossed his arms. “Jist get it over with.”

“Jack, nastiest thing I ever said ta’ ya’, and I’ve said a lot in my time, was last month on Brokeback. Said I was nothin’ and nobody ‘cause a’ you. But it weren’t you, Jack, was me. I bin fightin’ myself all these years, you knew it, I didn’t see it. Didn’t let myself.”

Jack was turned away, not looking at Ennis, staring at the fire, still angry as sin, Ennis could see.

“Jack, I never said sorry to anyone ma’ whole life, not even Alma, marryin’ her a sin no question. But I’m sayin’ it ta’ you now, no bones about it. Ain’t you made me this way, it’s me. I’m sorry for everythin’ I done and ain’t done as a man should’ve done. I’m sorry I ain’t stood up and done right by you. I’m sorry as the day is long and I kin never make it up ta’ ya’, never, even if ya’ let me try. Ain’t askin’ forgiveness, can’t be forgave, it’s so wrong.”

Jack turned to Ennis now, looked him full in the face, but his arms were still crossed. Ennis scooted closer, just a little, took a breath. “Nothing I wanted ever’ come ta’ my hand easy, either, Jack, ‘cept you, and I threw it away, time an’ agin. Worst sin of all.” Ennis felt tears in his eyes, and he looked down, throat clogged. Raised his head, looked square into Jack’s eyes, spoke clear as he could. “But if lovin’ ya’ is a sin, Jack Twist, then I’m a sinner three times over, ‘cause I surely do.”

Jack gasped and closed his eyes, then opened them and looked at Ennis with all the sorrow in the world.

“Ya’ tell me this now, Ennis, when it’s too fuckin’ late.”

“I tell ya’ this now, Jack, ‘cause I want to help your daddy with his place.”

“You want to help my daddy with his place.” Jack, incredulous.

Ennis took a breath, begging more words to come. “I wanna see if you’ll let me go up there, maybe scrape it into shape, help your daddy. And your momma too. Maybe build a little house, it works out. House for me.” Ennis looked at Jack to see if he was understanding yet. He wasn’t.

“A house for me and you, if you ever wanna.”

Jack took a breath.

“Wait, Jack, don’ say nothin’ yet. Not askin’ you to come there now.” Ennis took a deep breath. “Better if ya’ don’t, just me. Give me time ta’ sort myself out, become a man could deserve ya. See if I can. No strings. Quit my job ta’ come here anyway, might be a good life for me, better’n my fuckin’ trailer n’ Riverton. Still close enough ta’ my girls, them grown up n’ all.“

Jack was still staring at him.

Ennis spoke even softer. “Know ya’ might not want that life no more, Jack. Ya’ ain’t had to scrap around with stock n’ seed for many a long year, and ya’ never liked it that much anyway. Yer a rich man now, Jack, fancy stuff, easy life. Don’ blame ya’ fer that. Ya’ might not wanna be at your parents, neither, ‘specially with me, push come to shove. I get all that. Ya’ can do what ya’ want, long as ya’ want. No leash.”

Jack was shaking his head.

Ennis felt desperation fuel his words. “I could come ta’ Texas if that’s better by you, get a job, maybe still find a way a’ visit my girls. But --. But maybe ya’ wantin’ ta’come back ta’ some real mountains someday? Big combine dealer not far from Lightnin’ Flat now. Case ya’ didn’t want ranchin’ work no more.”

Jack put his hand over his eyes.

“Jack, listen, I won’t never ask no questions anymore ‘bout what ya’ do down to Childress, won’t expect nothin’ from ya’ you come home ta’ yer folks. Don’t wanna never hurt ya’ again, don’t even wanna dream a’ ya’ with me till I know I won’t, hun’red percent. Maybe we cain’t never put it back, ya’ won’t see your way clear back ta’ me, but I wanna know I tried. I wanna know for once in my life I stood up and was a man.”

Ennis, exhausted by the flood of words punched out from his gut, sat trembling, looking at Jack, waiting. Jack closed his eyes again, collapsed back on the sofa cushions, breathed deep, turned to Ennis once again. “Friend, now that’s more words’n you spoke in twenty years.” No smile, but his eyes weren’t cold no more. Ennis’ heart squeezed.

Jack turned, looked at the whiskey glass on the mantle. Ennis cleared his throat. “I put it away, Jack, wanted it, knew it was ta’ hide from this thing, put it away, made dinner. Made a cake.”

“Ya’ made a cake.”

“Uh huh.”

“So you could help my momma.”

Ennis’ heart leapt. Heart felt like to breakin’, tears awash in his eyes, helpless with it all. Jack scooted over, kind Jack, still kind under all the bitter, and took Ennis in his arms, held him gentle, then tight, said “sonofabitch” in Ennis’ ear. Said “You ain’t the only one bin wrong, Ennis, I knew it was cheatin’, did it anyway, let the bitter get to me, knew how ya’ felt though ya’ never said it.”

Ennis pushed away a little, shaking his head. “Not your fault, Jack.”

Jack looked at Ennis’ face, stood up, went to the table, got the plates of cold food, brought them to the sofa, gave Ennis one, started eating. “Started after yer divorce. Tempted ‘afore, only few days with you in a year, never did. After that -- .” Jack swallowed.

Ennis swallowed some chicken. “Don’t need ta’ tell me, Jack. I mean it.” Said it clear and strong, light as a feather.

“Never was too good keepin’ my dick in my pants. One a’ my problems. How I ended up with Lureen. That and the money. I ain’t a saint, Ennis, think you know that. After that first summer on Brokeback, tried ta’ get ya’ out a’ my system. Ya’ can guess how.”

Ennis nodded, chewing some lettuce.

“When we got back together, in Riverton, after that kept it zipped all those years.”

Ennis looked at him.

“Truth. Was after your divorce, when I seen the cards on the table, I started. “

Ennis hung his head. “My fault, Jack.”

“My dick, Ennis.”

“Happen ta’ like your dick.”

“Well I’m kinda fond of it myself.”

Ennis’ lips quirked.

“Long and short of it is, been ta’ Mexico a few times, coupla’ other places, found a coupla’ guys ‘round Childress, married, they won’t talk. End a’ story.” Jack gestured at the cabin around them. “‘Cept this one’s getting’ a little fond I think.”

“Can’t imagine.” Ennis managed.

Jack shot him a look. “I bin sad for all these years, Ennis. Not gonna lie ta’ ya’ ‘bout that. Just makes me sadder guy wants me, when I do it. All of it just one big fucked up mess. Wished I could quit you. Appreciate what’s offered. Scratches the itch a bit, then just makes it worse. Not sayin’ don’ enjoy it, a’course I do. But it’s not never what I really want. Cain’t say it any plainer than that.”

Jack looked into the fire, chewing some bread. A log fell. A river of sparks flowed to the hearth and snapped into the air. Jack turned, caught Ennis’ eye. “And it’s not never been gals, not ‘cept Lureen and one or two ‘afore her. Only fellas. All a’ that was lies I told ya’.”

Ennis nodded, temporarily deprived of the ability to speak.

Jack looked at Ennis, searching, must’ve approved of what he saw, because he got up, said “ain’t goin’ a let a cake baked by Ennis Del Mar go ta’ waste. This is too good ta’ be true, a once in a lifetime event.”

Ennis, bowled over by Jack, as he was so many years ago on Brokeback, took the plate of cake, ate it. He could feel exhaustion licking around his edges.

Jack, after a bit, asked, “This thing ‘bout my folks’ place. This have somethin’ to do with that dream a’ yours?”

“Their place pretty beat up, my dream.”

Jack snorted. “Their place a fallin’ apart piece a’ shit. Tell ya’ what, bin worried ‘bout ‘em. Too bad, think the place could support a pretty sweet ranch operation.”

Ennis nodded. “Imagine so, things ya’ tol’ me.”

Jack reflected. “My folks’ is pretty wore out, though. Gettin’ old.”

“They know ‘bout you, Jack?”

“No, they don’ know ‘bout me, you crazy?” Jack must have sensed something in Ennis silence, ‘cause he wrinkled his forehead. “This one a’ yer spooky questions?”

“Nah, just – Yeah, in that dream, I went there, after. Your daddy a right bastard.”

“Got that part right.”

“He said.” Ennis swallowed. “He said you always talkin’ ‘bout bringin’ me there. Then some other fella this year, he said. Knew my name.”

Ennis risked a look at Jack, who was staring deeply into the fire.

Jack spoke quietly. “Reckon I talked ‘bout you some. Never ‘bout you comin’ there. Thought on it some, long time ago. Wanted our own place, though.”

Ennis winced.

Jack reflected some more. “Comin’ ta’ their place all those years after I jes’ seen you, possible they figured it out, ‘specially my momma. Probably know I ain’t ‘xactly happy with Lureen.”

“Hm.”

Jack looked at Ennis. “You wore out talkin’ so much, Ennis. Yer system ain’t made fer it. Come ta’ bed.”

“Nah. Too much a figur’ out. Ain’t a small thing. Wan’ ya’ ta say yes. Even maybe.” Ennis’ words were slurred.

“I’m wore out too, tryin’ ta’ stop myself from beatin’ the livin’ crap out a’ ya’ out there today. Come on.”

Jack rose, pulled Ennis up, then along the hallway and into the bed. Stripped him, put him under the covers, crawled in next to him, pulled Ennis onto his chest, and kissed Ennis’ hair.

The last thing Ennis knew before sleep took him was the sound of Jack’s heart, beating low and steady, and his voice murmuring soft in his ear, “maybe.” Ennis fell asleep smiling, ‘cause what else could ya’ do, Jack Twist whispered maybe in your ear.

 

 

Ennis woke up spooked, twisted in the sheets, soaked in sweat, fighting.

Someone was hurting Jack, something bad was happening, someone was shaking him, and ---

“Ennis! Stop it!”

“Huh?” Ennis had to pant for breath.

“Ennis, you’re havin’ a dream. Nightmare.” Jack had his hands on Ennis’ shoulders, had been shaking him. Ennis felt sick in his gut, had an ache up in his throat. Eyes felt sticky. Jack was sitting up, holding Ennis’s shoulders. Ennis was sitting up too, couldn’t move his legs. They were in a bed. Looking down, saw his legs were so twisted up in the sheets they were wrapped up tight.

Reality came back slow. He and Jack, in a cabin in Texas somewhere. His dream, his fuckin’ dream, propelling him all the way here. Falling asleep last night in Jack’s arms, Jack sayin’ “maybe” into his ear.

Ennis felt himself relax as the shadow of the dream faded. Jack let his shoulders go, whistled. “That was some nightmare, friend. What happened ta’ me in that dream, anyway?”

“Ya’ think you’re in all my dreams, Twist?”

Jack just looked at him. “You said my name. Number o’times.” Ennis looked away. Jack perservered. “So what happened ta’ me?”

Ennis shivered. “Nothin’. “

Jack cocked an eyebrow. “Must a been pretty bad, to get ol’ mister “I don’t go farther than ‘round the coffeepot” ta’ come ta’ Texas.”

Ennis swallowed, started trying to unwrap his legs from the sheets. “Yeah, well, think whatever ya’ want to.” Ennis glanced at Jack. “I’m here, that’s the point, right?”

“Guess so.” Ennis heard a new note in Jack’s voice. Jack was staring a bit too hard at Ennis in that certain way he had.

Ennis was still struggling with the sheets. It was dark, pitch dark except for the faint silvering of moonlight slanting in through the blinds. Must be the middle of the fuckin’ night. Tendrils of the dream clung to him; bits of anger and sorrow lapped at his thoughts. The things he said to Jack last night echoed like ghosts in his head. Couldn’t believe he’d said those things, practically begging him. Ennis pulled the sheets one way, just twisted ‘em worse, same thing the other direction. “Fuck!” Ennis couldn’t get the goddamned sheets undone. He let his head fall back on the bed.

“Can I help ya’ with that, Ennis?” Jack’s voice, low and gentle, but tinged with something darker.

Ennis looked up at Jack. Jack’s eyes looked black in the moonlight, dark and strong, familiar look in them now Ennis came to think on it. Ennis spoke short. “I’ll take care o’it.”

“I’m freezin’ here, ya’ pulled all them sheets off me.” Naked Jack next to him.

Ennis’ body had apparently already taken note of that, the tenting in the sheets being any indication. Jack’s hand, not freezing at all, landed on Ennis’ cheek, caressed it softly, then his fingertips brushed across Ennis’ lips.

Ennis swallowed, looked at Jack, said, “You don’t need ta’ do nothin’, Jack.”

Jack moved nearer, let his leg nudge up against Ennis’ sheet-wrapped legs. “Tol’ you, I ain’t a gal. ” Jack’s lips quirked. “Just ‘cause we bin fightin’ and you’re some kinda screwed up mess don’t mean I don’t wanna fuck.”

Anger wanted to win, but laughter did instead. “Thought a lot of things, Jack, but promise you, I never did think you was a gal.”

“Good thing.” Jack rolled so one leg was all the way over Ennis’ sheet-wrapped legs and he was looking down into Ennis’ eyes. Jack pushed the evidence of him not being a girl, hard, into Ennis.

Ennis groaned and pushed back, struggling against the cocoon encasing his legs. “Shit. Cain’t move.”

Jack’s voice was a purr. “So you’re stuck there, cain’t move.”

“Nothin’ but my hands.” Ennis ran his hands down Jack’s silk-warm back, slow, to the place where it dipped, and beyond.

“Mmm. I kinda like you helpless. Might need to put it to good use.”

Jack’s lips quirked, but his eyes held a wary look Ennis recognized.

Ennis studied his own reaction: turned on, that’s what it was, mighty turned on, then some powerful shame at that feeling, then the wanting to lash out. Ennis took a breath. He could do this. He could. He had to.

He struggled again, but this time for show, then lay still. “Guess you got me good and proper, Jack. At yer’ mercy.” Ennis darted a glance at Jack’s face, looked away again, shy. Looked again, mumbled, “Guess the only thing I’ve got is my hands.” He paused for effect, starting to enjoy this. He lowered his voice. “And my mouth.” Jack gasped. Ennis felt Jack’s cock jump against him, same moment. Ennis pulled at Jack’s hips, moving Jack’s body up toward Ennis’ mouth. “Come ‘ere.” Ennis had to hold in a laugh, Jack’s face looked so shocked.

“Ennis, you don’t gotta – this –“ Jack gestured at their bodies – “ don’t got nothin’ to do with –“

Ennis dug his hands into Jack’s hips harder, pulled him up toward the head of the bed almost to his mouth, said “you talkin’ too much, Jack,” lifted his head and licked the tip of Jack’s cock, just a little quick swirl. Jack moaned and collapsed forward, hands going to the headboard to support his weight, knees either side of Ennis’ face.

Liking the reaction so far, Ennis tried a lick up the side, then under. Jack’s cock was already salty. Ennis noticed his desire to have Jack all the way in, followed the desire, ran his lips all the way down and back up, lightly. When his teeth brushed at Jack’s cock, Jack hissed, so Ennis tried it again, wrapping his lips more firmly, pulling back with just a bit of teeth. Jack’s legs were shaking bad now.

Ennis imagined himself in that position, knew he’d be tryin’ hard not to thrust. Thought about it as he moved his mouth slowly up and back down, what the hell, lowered his head all the way back to the pillows, yanked Jack’s hips down, pulled him hard into his mouth. “Jesus!” Jack was panting now, starting little thrusts with his hips, but still holding back.

Ennis, wanting Jack to lose that control, moved one hand off Jack’s ass, lifted it to Jack’s mouth, worked some fingers in, Jack sucking hard, making little noises. Ennis moved his hand back to Jack’s ass, dripping wet, then let his fingers brush back there. Jack groaned and thrust, hard, into Ennis’ mouth, “fuck!”

Loving it, loving it all, Ennis let one finger breach, just a little. Now Jack was frantic, trying to push back on the finger and forward into Ennis’ mouth all at the same time. Little mewls were leaving Jack’s mouth. Jack’s sweat dripped onto Ennis’ face. Ennis pushed the finger in slow, feeling Jack’s tightness, often thought of, thought pushed away nasty, this time feeling it ‘round his finger, working its way in. Jack moaned when Ennis pulled it out slow, then pushed back in. He was pushing his cock into Ennis' mouth in a stuttering rhythm now, not smooth at all.

Ennis worked another finger in, then pushed them both, hard, all the way in, then out and in, again. Jack arched back, yelling “Ennis, God, Jesus H.” and then babbling words didn’t even make sense and then thrusting, control lost, into Ennis’ mouth.

Ennis was drowning in sensations: Jack in his mouth, hard and salty-sweet, pushing in, Ennis’ hand on Jack’s ass, feeling muscles rippling and shaking under his hand, fingers up Jack, feeling the tightness, Jack’s sweat mingled with his own on his face, Jack’s legs, trembling around him. Jack around him, in him, Jack about to come like this, nothing finer, then suddenly Jack pulling back, off, “Ennis!”

“Huh?”

Jack could hardly talk for panting. “Ennis, been tryin’ to tell ya’.”

“Whu? I wanna --” Ennis’ mouth headed for Jack’s cock.

Jack pulled away, reached down and did something to the sheets, ripped them off Ennis’ legs, freeing his aching cock. Ennis’ head lifted up in search of Jack, said, “No, Jack, wanna do it right this time, lemme –“

Jack grabbed Ennis and rolled him over on top of him, panting “In me, want ya’ in me.” Jack’s voice went lower to a growl. “Now. Lookin’ at me.”

Ennis lay there, panting, feeling Jack’s voice all the way down to his toes. Suddenly Ennis wanted this more than anything he’d ever wanted, Jack’s face in front of him, his own sweat fallin’ onto Jack. Ennis grabbed Jack’s knees, already on their way, pushed them hard all the way up, felt Jack’s strong legs ‘round his back, pushed in, long fast thrust. Jack moaned “Ennis!” like it was ripped from his throat. Jack was gasping, pushing up to him, cock hard and dripping against Ennis stomach.

Ennis struck suddenly by the beauty of it, Jack’s hair slick with wet from his own sweat, Jack’s eyes more slate than blue, so glazed, Jack’s panting, feel of Jack’s hips straining up on his cock. Powerful urge to slow it all down came on Ennis, and he did. Jack whined, a real whine. Ennis stopped moving his hips, felt Jack push up but didn’t give, leaned over, supporting himself on one arm, used one hand to smooth Jack’s hair out of his eyes, then pull Jack’s face up to his, murmured, “Jack,” and kissed him, slow and deep, tongue pushing in and swirling.

Jack seemed to melt, all resistance and strong muscle gone out of his body, kissed him back with all his self, twining his tongue. The kiss went on and on, Ennis stroking the side of Jack’s face. Finally, Ennis pulled out just a bit, let himself push forward a little, Jack meeting him but not so frantic. Again and again, slow and deep with his cock and his tongue, same time. Jack started whining again, low in his throat, shaking, and Ennis realized he was shaking too, power of this so strong.

He finally broke the kiss when he couldn’t stand it no more, pulled back so he could see Jack clear, started thrusting for real. Kept his eyes on Jack’s while his thrusts got stronger, harder, Jack’s face like he never saw it. Jack was saying words again now, words like to make Ennis blush,“Ennis, fuck, yes, just like this, fuck me,” words he’d never said before, maybe whispered, but never out loud like that, bolts of electric fire shooting up Ennis’ spine each time Jack spoke.

Then on the edge, right on the edge, reaching a hand down to Jack, coupla’ strokes and Jack was coming, looking at Ennis, nothing more beautiful in the world. Then Ennis, most brave ever, keeping his eyes open long as he could, so Jack could see him, see Ennis hover on the brink, then fall, harder than ever, right into Jack, his groan ripped from the deepest place in him.

After the shocks stopped rippling their bodies, Ennis pulled out with his last strength, and collapsed, full body, on top of Jack, Jack still panting like a mare foaling.

After some time, Ennis became aware again of where he was. Strips of moonlight filtered through the blinds, painting the room with silver. Ennis felt Jack’s lips in his hair, kissing the top of his head. Letting himself savor, why the fuck not, Ennis turned his face, brushed his lips soft against Jack’s chest underneath him, this quiet afterglow as rare for them as a bed, never enough time, always leavin’.

Yesterday morning all the newness had risen up in Ennis like a summer squall, spitting hail out of a clear blue sky. Tonight, the newness settled softly on him, a spring shower, spreading a warmth radiating out from his heart. Ennis let his arms go around Jack’s back, pull him even closer. Jack’s legs were around Ennis’ legs now, and his arms squeezed tighter behind Ennis’ back. Peace settled around Ennis like it rarely had.

After a long time, Jack breathed out a laugh. “Ennis, you’re goin’ to kill me you keep all this up.”

Ennis grunted, but then worried, lifted up a bit to look at Jack, managed, “Now Jack, I ain’t done this just ‘cause I’m tryin’ to get you ta’—“

“Nah, I know.”

“Unless it’s workin’.” Ennis chuckled as he lay his head back down.

Jack slapped at Ennis’ bicep. “Yer a riot.” Jack took a breath. “Meant it before, I ain’t never once had a complaint ‘bout this between us.” Jack squeezed his arms tighter ‘round Ennis, stroked a hand down Ennis’ back. “That’s always been – been better n’anything ever. You always light me up good no matter what –“

Ennis cut Jack off. “Thanks, bud, me too, but this thing –“ Ennis stared at the ceiling. “Ah, hell, I don’ know. I ain’t doin’ nothin’ I don’ wanna do, that’s all.”

Jack nodded. “Allright then.”

Companionable silence for a while, then Jack asked, careful-like, “Why did ya’ quit that waitress, Ennis? Kinda thought you might marry her.” For some reason, this time Ennis could hear what Jack wasn’t sayin’, what he never said, what Ennis never got before: to Jack, Ennis fuckin’ some gal was the same as Jack fuckin’ some guy was to Ennis. And why not?

Ennis rolled off a little, one leg still thrown over Jack, arms still around him. “Did it after last month on Brokeback.” Ennis turned his head back onto Jack’s chest, stroked Jack’s arm in little circles. Ennis shook his head. “Just seemed wrong. Didn’t know why. Maybe knew, didn’t want to see. ’Nother wrong thing I did, hookin’ up with her.” Ennis sighed.

“Ya’ break off before that nightmare of yours, then?”

“Yeah.”

There was silence, then Jack frowned, took a breath. “Ennis, if you went to my folks’ place, if any of that happened, you picturin’ tellin’ my folks ‘bout us? Or you just goin’ to be some hired hand?”

Something flipped in Ennis’ gut. He had to just breathe for a minute, power of his longing so fierce. His arms maybe tightened around Jack. Jack just waited.

Ennis forced himself to consider, took a breath. “I don’t know, whatever you wanted, I guess. I just don’t know if it’s right, not tellin’ your folks, presumin’ on their hospitality an’ all.”

“You’d be workin’, not a guest at some dude ranch.”

“True ‘nuff.”

Jack pulled back a little to stare at Ennis. “I ain’t never told them ‘bout me, Ennis, never planned to.”

Ennis thought. “Y’know, Jack, they’re your folks. You’ve gotta live with whatever we do, so I ain’t gonna do nothin’ you don’t want. I’m not goin’ to walk ‘round with my hand on your dick if you come visit, but I think maybe they should know what they’re agreein’ to if you decide to ask ‘em. Other than them, ain’t no one’s business but ours.”

Now Jack was staring at Ennis hard. “Ennis, how ya’ gonna be, first time some yokel says ‘fag’ ta’ ya?” Ennis stopped a powerful urge urge to squirm and look away. “For all I know, probly’ be my daddy says it. Won’t even have to say it, just think it. Has his ways. Hell, I don’t think I’m ready to tell my folks’ about us. Might keep it to we is friends, that’s true enough. Less strings for both o’ us. Even if you really go there, what if you change yer mind?”

Not liking the sound of “less strings,” Ennis still shrugged. “You don’t think it’s a good idea, fine by me, yer probly’ right. Could say I fell on hard times, true enough, then for some reason you ain’t gonna stay in yer momma’s house when you come visit, yer gonna stay with yer fishin’ buddy. “ Ennis felt a smile quirk up his lips, then remembered himself, added, “If you wanna stay with me, when you come visit, that is.”

Jack raised up on an elbow to stare down into Ennis’ eyes. His voice came out low and fierce. “If I say yes, Ennis, and ya’ do this, and yer still there when I come visit my folks, there ain’t no doubt where I’m goin’ to be stayin’ and it ain’t in the fuckin’ bedroom I growed up in. I don’t care if yer livin’ in a cat piss pup tent. I’ll think o’ somethin’ to tell my folks. Hell, they can guess all they want, ain’t the same as tellin’. Maybe just won’t say nothing’. Stops the lyin’, but it don’t rub their face in it.”

Ennis felt one more thing needed to be said. He looked at the ceiling now. “Jack, ya’ agree to this, if ya’ ever want me gone, well, you just gotta say the word. I won’t put up no fuss.”

Jack reached out a hand, pushed curls away from the side of Ennis’ face. “Ennis, you really up for this? I mean, s’one thing to wanna see me more, maybe we could work that out, but maybe tellin’ people, or even just havin’ ‘em wonderin’? Movin’ from Riverton? Dealin’ with my parents for God’s sake?” Just don’t seem possible you changed so much, so fast.”

“Ain’t claimin’ I can do it fer sure, Jack. Just claimin’ I’m gonna try.”

Jack smiled, tight little smile. “I’ll take Ennis del Mar’s “try” over mos’ people’s “definite” any day.”

Ennis felt tears prick at his eyes, unexpected, Jack the only fool in the world havin’ confidence in Ennis del Mar. Jack smiled, brushed his thumb next to Ennis eye, said “you’re that stubborn, Ennis, you set yer mind to something.”

Ennis cleared his throat. “So I bin told.”

Jack leaned down and kissed Ennis, kissed him no sex possible yet, not even on the horizon, kissed him and Ennis kissed back, hand slowly snaking behind Jack’s neck, rare thing a kiss goin’ nowhere, kiss just for kissing, kiss like home.

Jack pulled back after awhile, said, “I meant it ‘bout I ain’t no saint neither. Bin getting’ used to the fancy life.” Jack looked away, no doubt staring at visions of his house and cars and fancy friends. He looked back at Ennis. “I wanna say I can leave all that shit. Don’t make me happy anyway. But don’t wanna promise somethin’ I ain’t sure of. Not to you. ”

Ennis nodded. “Don’t want no promises from you, Jack. Swearin’ somethin’ never made it true.”

Jack smiled then, one of his light up the room smiles, said “Tell you what, then. Yes. Probably oughta just shoot myself right now, git it over with, but yes, Ennis del fuckin’ Mar you can move to my friggin’ folks’ house out in the middle o’ nowhere, U.S.A. and wait fer me to come and visit you every once in awhile.”

Ennis, joy so strong it mixed with the sorrow of almost twenty years and squeezed his heart fierce, couldn’t speak for awhile. Jack lay his head down on Ennis’ chest and just held him, and Ennis let him. After a bit, Ennis cleared his throat. “You sure you don’t want me to move down to Texas?“

“Nah. Wouldn’t be right, you with the girls and all.”

“They’re getting’ older though. And you’ve got Bobby to think on.”

“Yeah. I kinda like havin’ you same place as Brokeback, truth be known. Maybe real mountains in my future sometime ‘stead of these pissant Texas hills.”

Ennis tightened his arms again. After some time, he managed, “Yer probably right about not tellin’ yer folks the whole story.”

Jack squeezed Ennis a bit more. “Hmm.”

Ennis went on. “Even if you ever come up there permanent, might not work anyway, we might not be able to stand to live in the same place. Not like we had much practice. Odds are I’d drive you crazy.”

Jack raised up on an elbow again, looked down into Ennis’ eyes. “True, you give me cake like that.”

Ennis surged up, grabbed Jack and rolled him under him, Jack whooping like he used to when he was nineteen. Ennis pinned Jack to the bed, growled “thought you liked my cake.”

Jack, laughing so hard now it shook the bed, said, “maybe my momma’ll give you a lesson,” then convulsed when Ennis growled “gonna get you, Jack,” grabbed for his stomach and under his arms and started tickling him, no mercy for some time, Jack finally gasping out, “Uncle, I give, I give.”

Ennis, unable to resist, asking “What’ll you give, Jack?”

Jack could only reply, “Anythin’,” then suddenly serious, low and hot, “anythin’ you want, Ennis.”

“Mmmm. Gonna remember that, Jack.”

“Good.”

They snuggled then, no other word for it, till sleep took them for the second time that night.

* * *

Ennis woke, bright light of day, sun streaming in through the cracks in the blinds. Jack was stirring next to him, cracked an eye. “Shit.”

Ennis groaned. “Thought you said we’re leavin’ first light.”

Jack smiled. “Changed my mind.”

Ennis smiled back.

Jack reached a hand to stroke Ennis’ bicep, down his arm. The hairs on Ennis’ arm stood up. Ennis remembered something, frowned.

“Jack.”

“Mmm.”

“Jack, I was just wondrin’.”

There must have been something in Ennis’ voice because Jack sighed. “Wonderin’ what, Ennis?”

“Well, I cain’t believe I’m sayin’ this, but I’m startin’ to feel a little bad fer the fella owns this cabin?”

Jack’s hand froze on Ennis’ arm.

“I mean, ain’t my business really, but -“

“That’s right, it ain’t.”

“Fine then. But us bein’ here, his place, like this, it - ”

Jack pulled his hand off Ennis. “Fuck. Can see I’m not getting any, no time this millennium. Ennis, yer ‘nuff to drive a man crazy with them morals o’ yers an’ all.”

“Never mind.”

“Ain’t like there’re no manual tells you what to do, your - fishin’ buddy - shows up, only place can think to go yer – “ Jack stopped himself, threw his head back down on the pillow. “Fuck.”

Ennis took a breath. “It’s just – this is his place, his – bed -, his damn ketchup --.”

Jack sat up, banged his head back on the headboard. “I get the point, Ennis. Fuck. He ain’t ‘zactly thrilled ‘bout it, neither, you know.”

Ennis shot a look under his lashes, asked real gentle. “What’d you tell him ‘bout all this?”

Jack swung his legs off the bed, sat up tall and fast, looked a hard look back at Ennis. “What do you think I told him, Ennis? Lies, o’course. More fuckin’ lies. I’m gettin’ up.” Jack stalked out of the bedroom. Ennis lay there for awhile, Jack banging pots around in the kitchen.

After awhile the banging stopped, Jack appearing in the bedroom, pants on, steaming coffee mug for Ennis offered silently.

Ennis sat up, took the coffee, sipped. Jack sat on the edge of the bed near Ennis, Ennis making space. Jack sighed, pressed his hand to his eyes, then looked at Ennis. “You’re right o’course. Just add it to that tally card o’ folks I done wrong to.” Jack shook his head. “Swore we’d only be here a day, he’d never know.”

Ennis stayed quiet, not hard since he was fighting the red rage that wanted to rise, thinking on Jack protectin’ the feelings of some other guy, thinking on Jack doing any of them things with another guy, any of them things at all, and rage at himself for bringing it up at all, let alone defending the fella’s property as it were.

Jack sighed again. “I need to head back, deal with it all, just didn’t expect --. We better head back tonight, tomorrow first light, latest.”

Ennis gathered himself, pushed the rage somewhere it might stay hidden, said, “sure ‘nuff.” Ennis took a breath, forced his hand out to touch lightly at Jack’s temple, a gesture Jack’d done to Ennis a few times, never him to Jack. Jack swallowed, leaned his temple into Ennis’ hand careful-like, closed his eyes. When he opened them again and looked at Ennis, his eyes had something in them took Ennis’ breath away was so pure, putting Ennis in mind of looks he’d surprised on Jack’s face a few times on Brokeback their first summer.

“We’re one fucked up pair o’deuces, ain’t we, Ennis del Mar?”

Ennis smiled a little smile, said “Ain’t that the truth.”

Then Jack, same quicksilver Jack from all them years ago, smiled, pulled at Ennis, said, “get up, lazy ass, got somethin’ I wanna show you, we can make some plans, pack up, head back first light tomorrow.”

Next thing Ennis knew, after quick showers and Jack doing stuff in the kitchen, they were walking on some path through the scrubby forest, Jack with a knapsack. Jack was bouncy, talkin’ up a storm, tellin’ him all about his folks’ place, huge acreage, fallin’ all to shit, just needed attention, little bit of money, his daddy too tight to spend where it needed it most, too old and getting’ ripped off by hired hands.

After some time, while they took a water break, Ennis asked, “Uh, bud, where we goin’?”

“Just a place I want you to see. Not far now.” Jack got quiet as they continued up a steeper slope, came over the top. Down below, nestled between two pine-covered hills, water, water in a little lake, little stream running into it from up above. Jack was silent as they slid down the slope, dust rising up behind their heels.

When they reached the bottom of the hill, Ennis saw that the little lake had created an oasis in the scrub pines and dust. A mat of green grass poked up in patches. A riot of wildflowers sprang up through the grass, painting the lakeshore with oranges, pinks, yellows, and deeper hues. Steam rose in the stream where it joined the lake, some type of hot spring feeding into rocky pools.

Ennis took it all in, eyes wide. He felt – he didn’t know what he felt – Jack showin’ him this. “S’beautiful, Jack.”

Jack didn’t respond. Ennis shot him a glance. Jack’s face was closed, stormy. Ennis approached, reached out and touched Jack’s arm, just a little. Jack wrenched it back, looked at Ennis, said “bad idea. Time ta’ go back,” turned his back to the lake and started back up the slope.

“Jack. Jack!” Ennis shook his head, muttered “asshole” under his breath.

Apparently not enough under his breath, since next he knew, Jack was taking the few steps back down the slope, was standing right in front of Ennis. “You’re calling me an asshole?”

“I ‘parently did. What’s got into you, Jack?”

Jack took another step towards Ennis, hands on hips. “What’s got into me? I’ll tell you what’s got into me. I mean, fuck, Ennis, you bin shovin’ me away my whole life. All this time, all that time gone by, then ya’ waltz back in and - .” Jack blew out air, waved a hand in the air. “Forget it.”

Ennis took a step toward Jack now. He could see Jack needed this. “Jack, this place” – Ennis gestured to the little meadow – “it’s beautiful.”

Jack looked at the ground. “Yeah, well, reminded me of – of Brokeback, that’s all.”

Ennis spoke careful. “It’s natural fer you to be a little angry at me.”

Ennis felt Jack snap, a satisfyin’ feeling in its own way. Jack came all the way up to Ennis now, pushed his shoulder, hissed, “a little angry. A little angry. You fucker!” Jack shoved Ennis again, harder. “All I ever wanted – everywhere I went, thought of you, couldn’t get you out of my fuckin’ head! These fuckin’ flowers, this lake – all of it! You made fun of me every time, Ennis, made fun o’me even thinkin’ of bein’ together, and now ya’ waltz in, you’re ready to do it and worse, just like that I say yes, it’s pathetic.” Jack stepped back, shook his head. “I’m goin’ back.”

Ennis said, “No, ya’ ain’t.”

Jack hissed, an actual hiss, whirled, said “You ain’t never tellin’ me what to do again, Ennis,” and turned away.

Ennis grabbed Jack’s sleeve, wrenched him back, and Jack took a swing, wide, missed by a mile, Ennis expecting it. Jack tried again, a vicious uppercut. Ennis dodged back. Jack grabbed Ennis by the shoulders, shoving him back, Ennis’ heel hit a rock and he fell, hard, onto his back, but he’d managed to pull Jack with him. Then they were tumbling on the grass, Jack trying to get enough purchase to really haul off and hit him, Ennis keeping him close enough Jack’s punches didn’t do much damage.

Ennis, patience finally snapping when Jack’s fist connected with a rib, scrambled to try to get away, found himself flipped onto his stomach by Jack, wrestler’s hold, Jack’s body covering his from behind and pressing him down into the springy grass. Ennis was struggling to breathe, Jack so heavy on him, Jack was panting in his ear, vicious, “I hate you. I fuckin’ hate you, Ennis.”

Ennis stilled, said, careful as he could, “Imagine you do. Good reason. S’alright.” Then Ennis, not believing he was doing it even as his hips lifted, raised his ass up, unmistakable, into Jack’s crotch.

Jack froze for a few seconds, time measured in Ennis’ heartbeats, then made a low sound in his throat and scrabbled for Ennis’ jeans, the fastening on his own, then something from the rucksack. Time blurred for Ennis, blue lupine dancing in front of his eyes, Jack panting behind him, till he felt Jack’s fingers, slick, back behind, and everything snapped into focus again.

Jack’s fingers, not gentle this time, prodded, stretched, then pushed in, felt like about five of them, probably only two.

Wanting Jack’s anger, Ennis pushed back hard, panted out, “yer’ cock.” Jack withdrew the fingers too fast, gritted out, “fine,” and Ennis felt Jack slick himself, position himself back there, and then push, all in one long push. Ennis breathed fast, could feel Jack shaking, shaking hard waiting there.

Ennis wanting Jack’s pain, pushed, just a little, all he could bear, back on Jack. Jack gasped, grabbed Ennis’ hips, pulled him back even harder, flush against his body. Ennis reveled in the strength of him, the muscle running down Jack’s arms, the power in his legs, even the bit of pain he felt. Ennis tried to move forward, but was pinned, good and hard.

A sound he’d never heard from his own lips before left his mouth, a sound like a whine, like a man drowning. Ennis felt Jack throb inside him, felt his own insides relax, just a little, form around Jack.

Then Jack was pulling back, pushing in hard, pulling out a little too fast for Ennis to adjust, then pushing in again, over and over.

Ennis was lost now, feel of Jack in him like this, Ennis not catching a rhythm, having to go with Jack’s pace, scrabbling to keep in position on the wet ground, wanting to touch his cock but afraid he’d collapse, not wantin’ to do nothin’ to stop Jack.

Jack was whispering under his breath now “hate you fucker, hate you,” and Ennis was going to say something but then Jack stopped, moved Ennis’ hips, came in at a new angle and Ennis couldn’t think no more, everything in him centered on wanting more, more of the vicious pleasure shooting through him each time Jack pushed in.

Ennis vaguely heard his own voice moaning, saying “more,” over and over, and Jack was coming unglued, passionate Jack, sweet Jack, batted Ennis’ hand away when it tried to touch his poor cock, grated out, sexiest voice ever in Ennis’ ear, “gonna make you come without nothin’ touching yer cock, Ennis.” Ennis felt a jolt run through his whole body from Jack’s words. Jack felt it too, ‘cause he made his voice even lower, growled “Yer gonna come with jus’ my cock, Ennis, swear it. Jesus.”

Jack’s sweat was dripping on Ennis now, Jack’s power like lightning in Ennis’ veins, Ennis’ mouth was chanting something that sounded like “fuck me, Jack,” and then everything tightened, everything stopped, and he was coming, a wave that slammed through him hard and vicious. He actually screamed, shooting all over the grass, over Jack’s hands, now on Ennis’ hands in the grass. Then Jack was pumping one last time, impossibly deep inside him, shot his load writhing into him, pressing Ennis’ hands down into the meadow, groaning louder and longer than Ennis ever heard.

They collapsed together, panting, Jack still in him, smell of sweet grass and Jack surrounding Ennis. Ennis felt his body sink into the ground, Jack sink into him, managed to turn his hands, interlace his fingers with Jack’s, his own spunk coating them both, feeling a jolt to his heart when Jack squeezed his fingers back.

Took a long time, but Jack finally softened, pulled out slow and easy, slid slow off Ennis just a little, leg still over him, hands still interlaced.

Sounds from the world around them filtered back slowly. Ennis heard the wind in the pines, the babble of the little stream, even a hawk high overhead. He felt the sun beating down on them, now at its spring height mid-day. He felt the flower smashed under his cheek, the loam under his fingers.

Jack’s lips moved, soundlessly, on Ennis’ ear, then he mouthed, “Y’allright?”

Ennis nodded his head a fraction of an inch, held Jack’s fingers tighter. “Yeah.” After awhile more, Ennis said, “Jack?”

“Mmm.”

“I thought ‘bout Brokeback too. All the time. Know I never said, but I thought ‘bout this – this thing - all the time too. Never got you out o’ my head. My not sayin’ it didn’t mean I didn’t want it.”

Jack was silent. Ennis went on. “You got a right to be angry. Long as ya’ need. Twenty years maybe. But I don’t want you to think I didn’t want it. Want you. Fought it so hard ‘cause I wanted it so bad.”

As the words left his mouth, Ennis realized how true they were, resonating deep in his gut. Jack could feel it too, Ennis thought, ‘cause he buried his nose deeper in Ennis’ hair and kissed his neck real tender. Said, after some time, “I don’ wanna hurt you back Ennis, that’s not what I really want.”

Ennis turned over, took Jack in his arms, head on his chest, whispered into his hair, “I know that. You’re a good man, Jack. But all them parts of you – I want ‘em all. Even parts that wanna hurt me. Only fair.”

Jack pushed up on an elbow, looked down, full into Ennis face. Jack’s eyes were shiny wet. He looked away, looked back, bit of a shamed look. “I hurt you?”

Ennis smiled a little smile, then felt it twist into a smirk. Looked right into Jack’s eyes, said for all the meadow to hear, letting the heat show in his voice, “You can hurt me like that any time, Jack, any time at all.”

Despite himself, he could tell, Jack’s lips quirked into an answering smile. Suddenly shy again, Ennis looked away.

Jack chuckled, a joyful sound to Ennis’ ears. “Ennis, you’re blushin’!”

“I ain’t.”

“You are.” Ennis was silent, and Jack laughed again, a real laugh this time. “Have it your way. Wanna hose off?”

“Sure.”

Jack sat up, pulled Ennis up by the hands, started stripping off his clothes. “Last one in has to wash the clothes!” Leaving clothes in his wake, Jack ran down the hill, Ennis close on his heels, to the steam pools, whooping and hollerin’ like they was nineteen again and this really was a Brokeback meadow.

 

 

“So Ennis, I’m goin’ to give you some money.”

“Whut?”

“Have you even bin listenin’ to one thing I said?”

“Uh.” Ennis roused himself a little. He was lying on his back with his head on Jack’s thigh, hat protecting his face from the sun, now starting its mid-afternoon descent to the horizon, but still strong. Jack had his back against some scraggly pine, sitting up.

Jack shook his leg, and Ennis sat up, groggy. The remains of lunch lay scattered around. Some industrious ants were already busy. He and Jack had soaked in the hot pools near the side of the stream, ducking into the brisk chill water when they got too hot, then back in. Eventually they had gotten out, gathered up their clothes, thrown them on and eaten, both of them ravenous. Seemed only natural to stretch out in the sun, rest a bit.

Ennis remembered they’d started talking about Jack’s folks’ place, figured he must have dozed off a bit.

“I was sayin’ that I’d call my folks on the way out a here tomorrow, talk to them ‘bout you comin’.”

“Sounds right.”

“So when you plannin’ ta’ go up there? Ya’ gonna keep your place near Riverton? How you gonna see the girls?”

Ennis grabbed an apple off the ground near him, dusted off a few ants, started eating. “I don’ know all of it, Jack, I gotta think some.”

“Yeah, well, you better get started on that project, ‘cause last I knew, we gotta go back tomorrow.” Jack shot a glance to Ennis. “And I was sayin’ that I’m gonna give you some money so you can git up there, start fixin’ the place up.”

Ennis shook his head. “Now Jack, I ain’t takin’ yer money.”

“Ennis.”

“No, Jack, ain’t takin’ yer money. I’m gonna be fine. Won’t need nothin’, livin’ on yer folks’ land. ‘Sides, got a little saved up.”

“What, coupla’ dollars in a coffee tin?”

Ennis looked away.

Jack sighed, scooted over closer to Ennis, spoke quiet. “Sorry. Know you gotta pay for the girls an’ all.”

Still looking away, Ennis said, “I don’ work fer my wife’s daddy. Cain’t up and leave any time I wanna. Cain’t take no ‘lectric company type jobs like Alma was always buggin’ me ta’ do. Gotta take jobs I can quit.“ Ennis looked at Jack. “’Cause o’ you.”

Jack stared at Ennis, swallowed. Asked low, “You really do that ‘cause o’ me?”

Ennis snorted. “What d’ya think, asshole? Jeez, I don’ never get no credit, things I do.”

Jack rolled his eyes. “Maybe that’s ‘cause you never say nothin’, so no one never knows what you’re doin’ or not doin’ or why.”

“I told you, sure ‘nuf.”

“Guess ya’ did. Maybe I didn’t really hear it.”

Ennis rolled his shoulders, pulled his hat a little lower. “Well, now you did.”

Jack scooted closer, put his hand on Ennis’ hand, said low. “Now I did.”

When Ennis looked up and met Jack’s eyes, the spark flew between them again, hit Ennis hard down low, though it’d only been a few hours. Hit him in his throat too, seeing Jack’s eyes looking like that again, like Ennis had given him a present or something. The urge to kiss Jack came on powerful strong, and apparently Jack felt the same, because they met in the air between their bodies, lips soft, mouths opening almost at once, Jack’s hand curling around Ennis’ neck to draw him in.

Ennis thought maybe this was better than anything, Jack looking at him like that, their tongues twining, hands in each other’s hair, mountain sun beating down on them. For awhile, the kiss glided on smooth and warm. Then the warmth spread to Ennis’ toes and other places. Ennis wanted to feel Jack’s skin, wanted Jack’s hands on him, and the kiss deepened, got more ragged.

They pushed away from each other at the same moment, looked into each others’ faces, panting. Ennis said, “we shouldn’t, no time, gotta pack up, figure things out.” Jack nodded, caught his breath, gave Ennis a fierce look under his lashes that did something funny to Ennis’ stomach, said, “tonight.” Ennis nodded, stood up a little shaky and started collecting the remains of their lunch, mumbled, “better git goin’, I ain’t responsible fer the consequences if we stay,” and shot Jack an answering look. Jack chuckled, a bit breathless still.

Ennis packed up while Jack fetched something from down by the stream. “Took ya’ long enough,” Ennis said, when Jack finally returned, grocery bag in hand. Jack just nodded.

Hiking back to the cabin, dust kicking up behind them as they walked through the scrub pine side by side, Jack said, “I ain’t forgotten about the money, Ennis.” When Ennis opened his mouth, Jack said, “No, now Ennis, jus’ listen to me a second. First of all, thing is, my folks’ place, it’s gonna need lots o’ work if we want it to work out like yer thinkin’. Bin neglected so long, my daddy so stingy, gonna take awhile ta’ turn any real profit. No sense doin’ it if we ain’t gonna do it right.“ Ennis loved the sound of that “we,” but opened his mouth to speak anyway.

Jack held up his hand, went on. “Second. Second, gonna be my place one day no matter what, so if I spend money on it now, gonna be worth more ta’ me later.” The path narrowed and Jack fell back behind Ennis. Jack talked to Ennis’ back. “Third. Third, Ennis del fuckin’ Mar, you’re a stubborn son of a bitch I know, lots of pride, respect ya’ for it, but goddamnit, I got it, you don’t right now. I bin settin’ somethin’ aside fer twenty years hopin’ –“ Jack broke off abruptly at the same moment Ennis stopped dead on the path, Jack stumbling to avoid crashing into him. “What’re you doin’, Ennis!”

Ennis turned to face Jack. “You bin’ savin’ yer money since you met me?”

Jack put his hands on his hips. “Yeah, that’s what I said. What do you think I bin tellin’ you all these years, Ennis? You think I didn’t mean it?”

Ennis looked at his feet. “Nah, knew you meant it.” He looked up at Jack. “Just didn’t think –“

Jack stepped closer. “Yeah, you didn’t think. That’s kind of the story of our life, isn’t it, Ennis?”

Ennis swallowed the anger that wanted to come out, looked at his feet, said, “’bout right, I guess.”

Jack nodded, looked at the ground, looked back up into Ennis’ eyes. “Yeah, well, I ain’t always been ‘zactly Albert Einstein myself I reckon. Ennis, it’s just – this money, I cain’t even look at that bank statement no more, makes me so-.“ Jack looked away, cleared his throat. “I was thinkin’ on givin’ it to some poor kids or somethin’, figured wasn’t never gonna use it. We’ve got more’n enough for Bobby for college, if he wants it, more’n enough fer Lureen to live on.”

Ennis felt that goddamned stinging at his eyes again, throat closing up, goddamnit he was not going to turn into some woman always cryin’ all the time, is that what queer makes you? Takin’ another man’s money, too.

Jack reached out, wrapped his arms around Ennis, pulled him in for a hug, right there on the trail, then pulled out, talked right into his face, “You got no choice, Ennis. My parents, my land someday. You don’t take my money tomorrow, I’ll send it ta’ my daddy. You’ll regret it though, and so will I - he’s stupid, not like you, cain’t run nothin’ worth beans. Ennis, you’re the best worker I’ve ever known, shit don’ I know it, always sayin’ ya’ had to get back to them fuckin woolies, never shirkin’ yer jobs all these years, never stayin’ with me even an extra day. You’re smart about livestock and ranches and all that shit. You ain’t gonna let anyone rip you off. I want you to run that ranch, not my daddy no more.”

Jack reached out, pulled Ennis’ chin up with his hand. Jack had one of his fuckin’ smiles on his face. “Ennis, you’re gonna be the boss. Won’t say it this way to my daddy, but I’m gonna hire you ta’ run that place proper. And you gotta have money to do it. Any owner would give you capital, money to spend on stuff to make it work. Salary too.”

Ennis studied his shoe, noticed a small yellow flower stuck on its side. He raised his head, looked at Jack. Couldn’t say the words, but brought himself to a nod, knowin’ Jack was right. Said, “no salary though, jus’ enough to live on.” Jack frowned, but said “then we’ll give ya’ shares.” Ennis shook his head, but raised his hands in surrender. Jack’s smile turned relieved, and he shook Ennis’ shoulders then, said, “let’s get goin’, then.”

The descent down to the cabin put Ennis in mind of other descents, probably Jack too, ‘cause no more conversation was had the whole way back. Ennis thought on tomorrow more with each step, tomorrow when they left each other, like all those other times. And this particular time being so short, he hadn’t even begun to have his fill of Jack. Not that he ever did.

Ennis pictured driving back to Childress tomorrow, sinking stomach feeling. Driving back to Wyoming, even worse. Not bein’ with him, thinkin’ on what he was doin’, who he was doin’ it with. And havin’ ta’ worry same as always guys were goin’ ta’ hurt his Jack. Jack so stupid probably fuckin’ guys out in the open, who knew what he’d been doin’. Was goin’ ta’ do. And Ennis was goin’ back, to night after night alone, day after day without his smile, his jokes, his strong muscles and deep blue eyes. And why the fuck was he thinkin’ on Jack’s eyes, anyway. Shit. Should be used to it by now, but it just weren’t right.

When they got to the clearing where the cabin sat, the sun was already sinking below the tops of the trees. The cabin, and what that cabin meant, stopped Ennis in his tracks. When he was almost at the deck, Jack must have realized Ennis had stopped, ‘cause he turned around and saw Ennis, staring hard at the cabin, Jack’s boyfriend’s cabin, apparently, couldn’t believe his fishin’ buddy had a boyfriend. Couldn’t believe he himself had a fishin’ buddy. Anger surged in Ennis again, along with the disappointment of twenty years of goodbyes.

He turned to look at Jack, saw Jack was starin’ hard at the cabin too, different reason, face with that beaten down angry look he got ever since Ennis’ divorce, whenever their time together was almost over. Could tell Jack was thinkin’ on all the times Ennis had left him, time after time. Ennis forced his words to stay down, nasty ones wanting to come out, forced himself to say between his teeth, “gonna get some wood or somethin’.” Jack nodded, short, said “I’ll get dinner,” went into the cabin.

Ennis, needing something physical to do, grabbed the axe, started chopping wood, only thing he could think of. Could leave a nice pile for the asshole rich cabin owner who loved his Jack. Sure as shit he was gettin’ “fond.” Who wouldn’t, Jack a beauty and that wasn’t funny, eyes flashin’ his feelings all the time, legs long and strong as anything, ass that --. Ennis threw the axe down on the ground, panting. Fuck. Saw the ground, same ground he and Jack had been on just the day before yesterday, Ennis letting his anger boil over, saying something almost unforgiveable. Almost.

Jack had forgave and forgave, and there wasn’t much left in him for that, Ennis could tell. Ennis wanted Jack, he might be able to have him, for good and forever, all to himself. But not now. Now, he had to wait, had to swallow it all. Plenty o’ time for all the bad stuff tomorrow, this time tomorrow he’d be alone again, alone like always, headin’ back to his shitty little life. If he let out the anger tonight, it was over. If he kept it locked up, or made it go away, maybe somehow this whole fucked up thing might actually work. Doubtful, but it could. Ennis sat down on a log, put his face in his hands, tried to gather strength, fightin’ his own nature the hardest thing he’d ever done, and that was sayin’ somethin’.

Heard the deck door open after a bit, heard Jack approach. Looked up, saw Jack with a mug in his hand, holding it out to Ennis. Jack met his eyes, ‘parently having been doing his own fightin’ down of anger, said, “whisky?“ Ennis grunted, nodded, took the cup, cocked his head to the space on the log next to him with a question on his face. Jack nodded, sat on the log with his own cup.

Ennis looked at him, raised the coffee mug, said, “toast. Fucked up pair o’ deuces.” Jack smiled a rueful smile, clinked his mug to Ennis’, took a swallow.

After drinking for awhile, taking in the fading light in the pines, familiar night starting to descend, Jack said, “Wouldn’t trade it, though.”

“Trade it?” Ennis looked at Jack, not understanding.

Jack looked at the pines. “Trade knowin’ you. ‘Spite everythin’.”

Ennis’ throat clogged again. “Me neither.”

Jack turned to look at Ennis. Ennis met Jack’s eyes. Ennis said it again, stronger. “Me neither.” Jack’s eyes had that Brokeback look again, and Ennis felt his own face settle into unfamiliar territory, a smile, but a smile that put him in mind of when the girls were little, and he looked down at them sleepin’. Jack nodded a little nod, and they turned back to their whisky, sat drinking in companionable silence.

Some time later, the sun sank completely below the invisible horizon. Something started chirping in the trees around them and a woodpecker tatted nearby, fortunately too early for many mosquitos. After a while the first star appeared, and Ennis remembered something his momma had taught him, him not remembering much from his momma, so long gone. He broke the silence softly. “How’s it go, Jack, my momma used ta’ say it, said it to my girls, star light, star bright?”

Jack turned to him, funny expression on his face. “Why you think I know that?”

Ennis shrugged. “Seems like the kinda thing you’d know.”

Jack said soft, “first star I see tonight.”

Ennis nodded.

Jack said. “It’s for wishin’ on.”

“I know that.”

Jack looked at the star. “When Bobby was little he used ta’ say it. Wish I may, wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight.”

“That’s it.”

“Why ya’ askin’?” Jack looked at Ennis.

Ennis looked up at the star again, now joined by more companions with every passing minute. “Ya’ know them stars are millions of miles away, that light left ‘em ‘afore humans was walkin’ on the earth.”

“Yeah, I know that.”

“Jus’ thinkin’ on it makes me feel small. But big too.” Ennis shook his head. “I ain’t makin’ sense.”

“Doin’ fine by me, Ennis. Like to hear yer thoughts.”

Ennis smiled at Jack. “Ya’ always have.”

“Another thing ya’ like ‘bout me.”

“Yup.” Ennis took a breath. “So I wanted ta’ make a wish. Know it’s nonsense, a small thing compared ta’ all that.” Ennis waved his hand at the stars. He turned and looked at Jack, now a lighter smudge in the darkening night. “But I wanna think I can wish something true.”

Jack scooted over next to Ennis on the log, his whole side up against him, said soft, “I think ya’ can, Ennis.”

Ennis turned and raised a hand to Jack’s hair, indistinguishable against the dark, brushed a strand off his face. “Ya’ always bin a dreamer, Jack. Glad ya’ still are.”

Jack said “You ain’t always bin glad,” but he said it gentle.

“Changed my mind. World needs a dreamer.” Ennis moved his face closer to Jack, hovered over his lips, brushed a featherlight kiss. “So do I, ‘parently.”

Jack reached a hand to Ennis’ hair, tangled his fingers in his curls, pulled Ennis back to him, brushed his own feather kiss on Ennis’ lips, drew back a little without letting go of Ennis’ hair. Jack set his empty mug down, raised his other hand to Ennis’ cheek, and leaned in, a real kiss now, just lips, but hand on his cheek, another hand pulling lightly in his hair, lips pressed soft and firm.

Ennis opened his mouth, tasted whisky and starlight and Jack, then in a rush Jack’s tongue was in his mouth, soft now, but warm and confident. Ennis dropped his own mug, raised his hands to Jack, one curling behind his neck, the other stroking Jack’s cheek with his thumb. The kiss seemed to last forever, sounds of the night fading to shadows in the background, feel of Jack, whole and alive, everything in the world.

Ennis’ hand, of its own accord, pulled harder on Jack’s neck, the other hand sliding down Jack’s arm to feel the hard muscle corded there. Jack sighed, leaned into his hand, and Ennis moved it up to Jack’s shoulder, then down his strong back, down to the waist of his pants, where he tugged at Jack’s shirt, wanting to feel Jack’s warm skin, proof of him alive and breathing and whole.

Jack’s hand in Ennis’ curls pulled harder, and now Jack was taking charge of the kiss, tongue no longer soft, but hard and demanding. Ennis’ head swam with the delight of it, and his hand pushed up under Jack’s shirt to skim over Jack’s skin, warmer than the sun today by the lake.

Ennis felt Jack start to tremble under his fingers, and he took over the kiss, spreading his fingers out to cradle Jack’s scalp, pressing him in even tighter, pressing his own tongue, hard, into Jack’s mouth. Jack moaned, and then Jack’s hands had freed Ennis’ shirt, were running up and down his back.

Jack was trying to push his whole body into Ennis now, hands roaming all over him, legs trying to tangle with his. Ennis could feel Jack shaking all over, the way he got sometimes when the need got strong.

The current that always lay between them surged, strong and rushing, through Ennis. Wouldn’t take much and they’d be rolling in the dirt, him takin’ Jack just like that, both of them lovin’ it, nothin’ wrong with that, but --- “Jack.”

“Mmm.” Jack was trying to reach for his mouth with his own. Ennis had hold of Jack’s shoulders, keeping him away.

“Jack, wait.”

“Wait?” Jack was staring at Ennis’ mouth now.

Powerful urge hit Ennis to throw Jack down on the ground, Jack so lost already couldn’t even make sense. Wondered what Jack might do, what he could get him to do, what Jack wanted to do, when he got all trembly like this. Ennis knew a lot of things already, might learn more. Ennis took a breath. “Jack, let’s go inside.”

Jack looked around, then back at Ennis’ mouth. “Allright. Inside.”

Ennis smiled. “Ya’ wannna eat dinner first?”

Jack wrenched his eyes from Ennis’ mouth, brought them to Ennis’ eyes. “Fuck you.”

Ennis laughed. “Somehow don’ think so, Jack, could be wrong, but guessing not, tonight.” He reached out a hand to help Jack up.

Jack took it, shooting a glance to Ennis as they walked into the cabin. His powers of speech seemed to have temporarily returned. “What’re you talkin’ ‘bout?”

Ennis waited till Jack was over the threshold into the living room of the cabin, then came up behind him, wrapped his arm around his chest from behind, pulled him fast to his own chest. Ennis leaned to Jack’s ear, said low, “Ya’ have that look tonight, Jack, that’s all.” Jack leaned back into Ennis’ body some more, whispered “what look?”

Ennis pulled his arm even tighter across Jack’s chest, put his other hand on the cloth of Jack’s shirt over his stomach, Jack jumping when it touched. Ennis reached out his tongue and licked at Jack’s ear, pulling Jack even tighter against him with his hands. Jack gasped. Ennis didn’t know if he could go through with it, never being one to let himself know he thought such things, let alone speak them, said into Jack’s ear “look you get sometimes.” Jack sighed, letting his head roll back farther onto Ennis shoulder.

Jack pressed his hips back against Ennis’, said low “ain’t no police goin’ ta’ come write you a ticket you whisper something sweet in my ear, Ennis. Something nasty neither. And I ain’t tellin’, not even you tomorrow.” Ennis’ right hand traced a line, lightly, along the top of Jack’s waistband. Jack gasped in a breath, said, “like you quiet too though, Ennis, no need ta’ talk if you don’t want to.”

Ennis licked around Jack’s ear again, let his one hand trace under the waist of Jack’s pants. If he hadn’t been held up by Ennis, Jack would’ve staggered, his legs were shaking so bad. Ennis let his tongue head into Jack’s ear, push hard inside.

“Jesus! Ennis!” Jack was sweating now, or maybe it was him, Ennis could feel it where his chest and Jack’s back touched, through their shirts, sticky wet already.

Ennis said, voice sounding low and scratchy in his own ears, blush warming his cheeks despite himself, “look you get sometimes, you want me to take you hard, fill ya’ up good.” Jack gasped, sagged now, dead weight in Ennis’ arms. Ennis kicked the door to the deck closed with a foot, and pulled Jack further into the room. Carpet in front of the fireplace looked soft, and Jack had apparently lit a fire when he was inside. “Come ‘ere,” Ennis grated, and half pulled, half dragged Jack to the area by the sofas. Not wanting to let go, Ennis collapsed to his knees, pushing Jack down with him, then all the way to the floor, still with his arm around Jack’s shoulders, Jack now underneath him. Ennis’ hips pushed down at the same time Jack’s pushed up, both of them groaning together.

Ennis growled, didn’t want it to be over too fast, rolled to his side, pulled Jack with him, arm still around Jack’s chest. The fire snapped, and sweat broke out all over Ennis’ body, feeling Jack alive and pushing back at him. Ennis’ own heart was racin’ like crazy, dick ‘bout to jump out of his pants, felt like. Jack writhed back against him, grabbed Ennis’ hand from in front of his chest, pulled it to his mouth, started to suck on Ennis fingers. Ennis felt his control slipping, growled out, “stop movin’, Jack, stop it.”

“Whu?” Jack’s voice was slurred, hazy from lust. Ennis had to breathe deep, loving that sound over all others. Ennis sharpened his voice. “I said stop movin’. Ain’t doin’ nothin’ till ya’ stop movin’. Less I tell ya’” Jack froze, a shudder snapping through him from foot to head, Ennis could feel it. Ennis raised up a little, talked into Jack’s ear. “That’s it, that’s good. Now I’m gonna take these clothes off ya’, Jack, and mine too, see ya’ in the firelight.” Jack whimpered, honest to god whimper in his throat. Ennis’ own hands were shaking as he reached around to undo Jack’s jeans, lower the zip. “Raise up a little now, Jack,” Ennis said soft, and pulled Jack’s jeans off.

Ennis had to take another breath to stop himself from just taking Jack like that, wouldn’t be nothin’ wrong with that, but wanted Jack to know, to hear what he did to him, wanted Jack to feel like Ennis had the other day, Jack whisperin’ in his ear so sweet. Only tonight might not be sweet, ‘zactly. Sweet maybe not what Jack needed tonight, him having that look he got sometimes.

Resisting temptation, strong temptation, to touch, Ennis brought his arms round Jack and flicked open the buttons on his shirt, one by one. Jack’s hips surged back against Ennis when Ennis’ hand brushed Jack’s chest undoing a button, and Ennis, hardest thing he ever did, stopped his hand.

Jack whined. “Ennis!”

Ennis, surge of power now taking him even stronger, said, “told ya’ ain’t doin’ nothin’, ya’ don’t stay still.”

Jack gasped out a breath, breaths comin’ hard and fast now, chest heavin’, held his body still, still except for the tremblin’ taking him all over.

Ennis started unbuttoning again, let his tongue circle round Jack’s ear again, dive in. Jack was moaning low now. When Jack’s shirt was all unbuttoned, Ennis had to lie there a minute, tryin’ to find some control, Jack all warm, firelit skin everywhere, willin’ to do anythin’, wantin’ anything Ennis could give, sure ‘nuf.

Ennis leaned up to Jack’s ear again, whispered, “wanna lick ya’ all over, Jack, lick ya’ till you’re moanin’ like ya’ always do, slide inside ya’ then, my hands all over ya’.”

“Fuck! Jesus H.” Jack’s chest was heaving now under Ennis’ arm, his body vibrating. “Please, Ennis, cain’t stand it, gonna shoot.”

“Ya’ think ya’ could, Jack, just from me talkin’?”

Jack knocked his head back against Ennis. “Hell!” Jack was panting so hard each word took a breath. “Could, ya’ talk ta’ me like this. Ennis, want ya’ – arh!”

Ennis had chosen that moment to finally let his hands touch Jack’s skin, one skimming over a nipple, instantly hard, the other over Jack’s thigh, silky warm and strong. Jack bucked, hard, into Ennis’ hands, and Ennis stilled them instantly, hard to do, Jack’s body feeling like putty under them. Jack whined again, and Ennis leaned into his ear to whisper, fierce now, “hold still.” Jack melted, just melted, Ennis could feel it.

Jack whispered “never been so hard in my life ya’ fucker,” and Ennis moved his hands again, slow, Jack now focused on stayin’ still. Jack’s skin felt like silk, silk over steel muscle, prickly hairs on his thighs. When Ennis ran his hand from Jack’s thigh back to his ass, Jack’s body snapped hard, but he was tryin’ to stay still, Ennis could tell, so he let his hand run, soft as anything, over and then down the middle, one finger trailing a little in the crack.

Jack’s breath was heaving now, so hard Ennis spared a thought for hoping he wasn’t out of air. Ennis’ other hand found a nipple again, and this time pinched. Jack yelled, loud, struggling hard to keep his body still. Words started pouring from his mouth now, Ennis running his hands all over Jack, everywhere but where he wanted them. “Ennis, shit, yer hands on me, ya’ whisperin’ ta’ me, ain’t ever known nothin’ like it, shit, ya’ always do this ta’ me, so much power in ya’, but never like this, gonna shoot ya’ not in me, ya’ not touchin’ me, swear it, yer so good, so fuckin’ good, ya’ makin’ me crazy, I’m gonna come, I’m not kiddin’, ya’ keep this up.”

And then he was just babbling, nonsense not meanin’ nothin’, moanin’, skin shiny with sweat in the firelight, and Ennis couldn’t hold back any longer, said into Jack’s ear, “gonna make you come now, Jack, want ya’ to, right here.” Jack moaned, “no, want ya’ in me,” but Ennis said, “do that later. Want you comin’ now. Wanna watch.” A shudder took Jack from head to toe, vibrating into Ennis’ body. Ennis reached his hand and ran it down Jack’s cock, light as anything, barely brushing, said into Jack’s ear, “beautiful,” and Jack spasmed and came, gushing out into Ennis’ hand, onto the furry carpet, came and came, gasping words that weren’t words.

Ennis held Jack as the spasms ran through him, feeling each one in his heart, most beautiful thing ever, this thing between them. When Jack had quieted, Ennis started kissin’ Jack’s neck, a kiss then a lick, pausing to suck at times. Jack moved to turn over, but Ennis pressed him gently back, whispered, “stay. Please Jack. Let me.” Jack reached back, squeezed Ennis’ hand, stayed on his side.

Ennis started kissing Jack again, first the salty places in his neck, then over his shoulders. Slowly, he worked his way down Jack’s back, licking at his spine, salty sweat taste everywhere, overwhelmed with taste of Jack, feel of him under his tongue. Ennis’ arms were around Jack, still holding him in place, as he scooted lower and lower. Jack was starting to gasp again, little throaty ones like he couldn’t quite breathe. When Ennis’ tongue licked the place where Jack’s back ended, he scooted all the way down, started licking up Jack’s legs, and Jack moaned something fierce. Hairs caught in Ennis’ mouth, sweat and dirt mingled on his skin, but it all tasted like Jack.

When Ennis finally arrived back up at Jack’s ass, Jack was moaning again, and Ennis could hear words again, “Jesus Christ, Ennis, ain’t never – you don’t know what that feels like, you, ah!” Ennis had let his tongue lick on one cheek, just a little lick, to see what would happen. Jack was babbling again, “impossible, cain’t get hard twice so fast, feels like- mmm,” Ennis having arrived back at the crack, starting to work his tongue down and in. Jack froze, whispered, “Ya’ ain’t gotta do nothin’ like that, Ennis,” but Ennis could feel Jack was trembling again, and took a lick, then started pushing inside with his tongue. Jack’s taste was comforting, not nasty, just a place to make Jack happy, making Jack happy now Ennis’ focus in life, ‘parently.

And Jack was happy, saying “Yes. Yes. Yes, Ennis, do it, oh my God, oh my fuckin’ God, gonna die right here, never had no one do -” Jack cut off what he was saying, but not before Ennis felt the meaning of it, sharp, like a pang in his heart, painful and sweet at the same time, and Ennis pushed in harder. Jack levitated away from him, and Ennis couldn’t stand it no more, and then Jack was pushing back against him, whimpering, “Ennis, Ennis, fuck me, want ya’ in me, gonna die, swear I’m hard again, please, Ennis, now.”

Ennis surged up, control finally snapping, found the place quick and pushed into Jack, one giant push, hands pulling Jack’s hips back against him, biting Jack’s ear now, saying “Christ. Holy fuck” when he was in all the way, feeling Jack’s tightness, the thing he never let himself think on, thinking on it now, feeling him around him like a fuckin’ glove, made for him, made for each other. Ennis had to breathe hard, panting fast, or he would’ve come right then, and Jack knew enough to hold still, reach back and pass a shaky hand over Ennis’ arm, gentling him.

A little more under control, Ennis started to move, weren’t nothin’ sweeter, Jack pushin’ back every thrust, Jack babbling again, nonsense mainly, but Ennis heard “Ennis,” and was lost, lost in his Jack, so willin’ times like these, so strong other times, the heat between them always there, from the first, just growin’ over the years. Ennis thought he couldn’t take it no more, and then Jack grabbed his hand, put it on his cock, hot and hard, no shit hard as rock again, said, “what you done ta’ me,” and he felt like he was part of Jack, couldn’t tell what was him and what was Jack. Then Jack, after just a coupla’ strokes, was spasming again, shudder first coursing through his whole body, Ennis felt it, and Jack moaned, “Ennis, I lo-“ and it garbled into a yell and he started to come. It hit Ennis with a jolt like prairie thunder, and he fell into ecstasy, coming in wave after wave into Jack, his Jack.

Ennis became aware again slowly, his mouth pressed into Jack’s hair, hands clutching the furry carpet. He wanted to kiss Jack’s neck, so he did, warm and tender. He wanted to press his nose in his hair so he did, smelling pine and sweat and Jack. He wanted to say something ‘bout the ache in his heart, said “Jack.”

Some of what he felt must have been in it, ‘cause Jack moved to turn over, and Ennis brought Jack’s head to his chest, wrapped his arms around him, kept his lips in his hair.

Jack lifted his head up after awhile, brought his lips to Ennis’, kissed him soft, laid his head back down on Ennis’ chest.

Ennis thought on his dream, his nightmare, and thought he could lie like this forever. The world lay outside the cabin, world of problems and heartache, but if only Jack and he could be together, like this, everything would be all right.

After some time more, Jack breathed out a little chuckle, so Ennis said, “Whut?”

“Just thinkin’ on how years ago, ya’ couldn’t even look at me when we did nothin’ and now you’re – “ Jack waved a hand.

Ennis frowned. “Thought we weren’t goin’ to be talkin’ ‘bout none of that.”

Jack nodded and curled back into Ennis’ chest. “Sorry, you’re right.”

There was silence for a minute, then Ennis mumbled, “cain’t believe ya’ shot twice like that though.”

Jack huffed out a breath of air, said in his teasin’ voice, “Ennis del Mar, you just got through tellin’ me we ain’t talkin’ ‘bout none of this. Now next minute you’re goin’ on ‘bout this mind blowin’ sex and all. You’re just braggin’ on yerself.” Ennis huffed out a laugh, and Jack lowered his voice, said all sexy, “’course, this was somethin’ ta’ brag about tonight, gotta give you that.” Ennis laughed for real now, warm feeling filling him from having Jack his friend, and Jack joined him.

After a bit, Jack pushed up on his elbows, looked at Ennis. “It bother you, I get like that, Ennis?”

Ennis stared at him. “Bother me?”

Jack crooked a smile, looked down, looked back at Ennis. “Know I get kinda – kinda het up.”

Ennis felt his mouth quirk up. “Yeah, it bothers me.”

Jack’s face started to fall.

Ennis laughed. “Bothers me ya’ so fuckin’-“ Ennis waved a hand, at a loss for words. “fuckin’ whatever, can hardly keep myself from just rollin’ you down in the dirt. Shit, most of the time cain’t keep myself from it, you know that.”

Jack smiled, looked at Ennis again.

Ennis cocked his head. “Why would ya’ think something like that, Jack? I ain’t made it obvious enough fer you I like ya’ like that?”

Jack laughed, shook his head, “yeah.” He hesitated, said, “Well, it’s just that I kinda think sometimes I need it more, when we ain’t together, you maybe don’t –“

Ennis frowned, interrupted Jack. “Why would ya’ think some fool thing like that? You know how much I have to wring it out, thinkin’ on you?”

“But –“

“You know how many times I took Alma the wrong –“ Ennis choked off what he was going to say, goddamned mouth getting ahead of his brain.

Jack gasped real quiet, creased his forehead, reached a hand to Ennis’ face. “Ennis, I’m sorry, didn’t mean nothin’”

“Yeah, well, just ‘cause I’m quiet ‘bout stuff don’t mean I’m not feelin’ it.”

Jack had a thoughtful look. “I know that ‘bout you, Ennis. Always have, like I said. But I can see I don’ know as much as I thought.”

“Well, not all your fault. Know I don’ talk much.”

“Now that, friend, is what they call an understatement.”

“Suppose so. ‘Specially hard for me ta’ talk ‘bout this.” Ennis waved a hand over their bodies.

Jack grinned. “’This.’ Ya’ mean sex, Ennis, that thing we do ‘bout every few hours when we’re together?”

Ennis surged up, pinned Jack under him, working hard to keep a straight face. “Yes, I mean sex, asshole, you got it in one.” Something in Ennis surged up, brave, and he took a breath, said serious, “Always thinkin’ on you. Always. No matter what I’m doin’, no matter who I’m with.”

Jack’s smile had faded, and his eyes looked stunned. Stunned and a little misty. He cleared his throat, put his hands on Ennis’ face, said straight into his eyes, “Me too, Ennis. Every single fuckin’ time. You hear me?”

Ennis heart hurt, good hurt like the beauty of the sunrise over Brokeback, eyes hurt too, stinging. Ennis bit his lip and nodded, letting Jack know he heard him proper, knew Jack was tellin’ the truth, all of it, ‘bout this thing.

Ennis cleared his throat, said, “one thing, though, Jack. You’re wrong ‘about the police.”

“Hmm? What d’ya mean?” Jack swiped his sleeve over his eyes.

“Still a crime, what we doin’, lots of places. Texas fer one.“

“I was speakin’ poetic’ly, Ennis.”

“That’s fer damn sure. Ain’t never heard you so poetic as tonight.”

Jack swatted Ennis, said, “ain’t the words is a crime, it’s the doin’.”

“Think that’ll change some day?”

“Supreme Court o’ the United States gonna look at it soon, sure of it. I read about it.”

“That right?”

Jack said, “that’s right. Constitution don’t give us this, ain’t worth the paper it’s written on.”

“That’s what them judges goin’ ta’ say?”

“You bet.”

“I’m not takin’ that bet. I’m startin’ to like this dreamer stuff myself.”

Jack grunted, said “Ya’ hungry?”

“As a horse.”

Jack took a breath. “Let’s see if I can move this old body up, rescue the dinner.”

Ennis groaned as he tried to sit up. “I hear you, friend. Don’t see nothin’ old ‘bout your body, though.”

Jack shot Ennis a grateful smile, gave him a hand and helped him leverage up off the floor. Jack said, “think we’ll be doin’ this when we’re old men?”

Ennis grabbed Jack’s arms, looked him straight in the eyes, said strong and right out loud, “I know it.”

Jack smiled, a smile that reached his eyes all the way, and pulled Ennis into the kitchen for a late night dinner.

 

Partway into the kitchen, paddin’ on his bare feet, Ennis realized he didn’t want to eat without cleanin’ himself up first, and turned into the hall. Jack musta thought the same thing at the same time, ‘cause he said, “um, think I’m gonna hit the bathroom, shower first maybe.”

Ennis grunted, said “yeah, me, too. You can go first.”

Jack looked at Ennis funny. “Ennis, just come in with me.”

“Together?”

Jack laughed right in Ennis’ face. “You ain’t never taken a shower with someone?”

Ennis felt the heat rise to his face. “Jack, now don’t make fun of me."

Jack’s grin faded to something else, something soft. He reached a hand, quick, to Ennis’ temple, stroked there.

Ennis felt his anger trying to get purchase. “Don’t want no pity, Jack.”

Jack withdrew his hand, nodded, grabbed Ennis’ hand and pulled him towards the bathroom. “Come on, then.”

Jack had the water heated up and himself in the shower in no time, but Ennis lingered outside.

Jack bellowed, “Ennis, get in here!”

Ennis, dribbling toothpaste, yelled back. “Yeah, well I kinda thought maybe I’d brush my teeth. Seein’ as where my mouth–.” Ennis broke off.

Jack’s laugh rose over the noise of the water.

Ennis finished and yanked the door to the shower open. Steam rose all around Jack, arched backward into the flow of the water. He was still laughing, though, eyes sparkling at Ennis.

“Jesus, Ennis, you’re gettin’ so free, pretty soon you’re going’ ta’ be puttin’ on makeup and checkin’ out pretty boys’ asses.”

Ennis growled, lunged into the shower, grabbed Jack by the ass, lifted him a few inches off the floor, grated into Jack’s ear, “who says I ain’t done one of them things already?” Jack just laughed, Ennis likin’ the happy feeling of hearing Jack laugh so much in one day.

Jack said, “Put me down, and I’ll show you one o’ the advantages o’ this.”

Ennis did, and next he knew, Jack was behind him, rubbing shampoo on his head. Jack’s fingers were strong, digging into his scalp, then gentle. Jack’s hand went to the small of Ennis’ back, and he let himself be tipped back into the stream of water, Jack rinsing all the shampoo out, his fingers catching leftover trails of soap and rubbing them away.

“Mmm. Now I know why Cassie kept tryin’ ta’ get me ta’ do this. Always bitchin’ about wantin’ her hair washed and all.”

Jack finished with his hair, and started lathering up Ennis’ back with a bar of soap and a washcloth. Ennis felt Jack’s strength, a man’s strength, rubbing down his back, going gentle at his ass but not hesitating. “You break her heart, Ennis?”

Ennis grunted, then remembered his resolve to talk, best he could, to Jack ‘bout stuff. Said, “apparently fell in love with me or somethin’.”

Jack said, “cain’t imagine,” and turned Ennis around, repeated the process on his front, slow and gentle all over. Right about when he was getting to an interesting part of Ennis’ body, not that it could get real interestin’ so soon after, Jack started to ask “Why’d you --?” but cut himself off, shook his head.

“Why’d I what?

Jack said, “Ain’t none of my business.”

Ennis thought a minute while the washcloth made lazy circles on his stomach, said “maybe it is, we gonna try this thing.”

The washcloth stopped. Jack was standing very close, and Ennis made himself raise his eyes to Jack’s. “Think I went along with it ‘cause she was so lively, reminded me of you a little actually now I think of it. She wanted it so much, I thought – I don’ know what I thought.” Ennis looked at the tile at the side of the shower. “Guess I thought I should try it with someone else – a woman.” He looked back at Jack. Water drops were hanging in Jack’s hair, on his eyelashes. “Broke it off after last month ‘cause I’d never be able ta’ give her what she wanted, she wasn’t what I wanted. Already made that mistake once. I’d have to be a worse man than I am ta’ do the same damn thing again.” Ennis stared at the tile again a minute. “Almost did though, gotta admit it.”

“Hmm.” Jack resumed the washing, crouching now to scrub at Ennis’ legs. He looked up, the water beating all around his face. It made it hard to hear, but Ennis heard Jack plain when he asked, “Ennis, you never – you really never thought on another man?”

Ennis reached down, pulled Jack up by the arms, hard. “What do you mean by that?”

Jack said, lightly, ”don’t mean nothin’. Just seems you ain’t had too much satisfaction out of women, that’s all.”

Ennis stood in the water a minute to wash off the last soap, choking down words he might regret, images swirling fevered in his brain, opened the door and shut it, none too soft, grabbed a towel, said over the water, “I’ll set the dinner out.”

When Jack came out a bit later, a look on his face Ennis couldn’t figure out, Ennis handed him a plate with his soup and sandwich, no mustard just like he liked it. They’d both tossed on clean clothes. Ennis scuffed his foot on the floor, said, “Jack, I’m tryin’ – I.”

Jack was on him in three steps, plate set down fast, hugging Ennis tight with both arms. He said in his ear, “Ennis, don’t want you tiptoin’ around me. Censorin’ every word. That ain’t what me and you are like. Ain’t walkin’ away if you say something I don’t like one time.” Jack pulled back a little, shook his head. “Though now I think on it, probably should have my head examined fer sayin’ so.”

Ennis wrapped his arms tight round Jack, pulled him closer to him. “Same fer you, bud. Wanna know what you want to know. Jus’ not sure I can always say.”

Jack pulled back, picked up his plate. “Yeah, well, same here. You can ask me stuff, won’t guarantee I’ll answer. Let’s go sit down.”

Jack led the way into the living room. Ennis went to the cabinet, looked a question to Jack, who nodded. He poured them each a glass of whisky, nice stuff, too. They sat on the floor, backs up against the sofa, feet to the fire.

After they’d been eating a bit, Ennis got some words out. “Don’t know the answer, Jack.” Jack shifted, but kept his mouth shut. “Know that sounds crazy, but that’s the best I can do. Always thought I weren’t queer, was just you, fer some reason, did this ta’ me. Still think that. But I’m figurin’ out a lot of the things I thought weren’t exactly true, so I’m waitin’ on the fer sure answer ta’ that one.” Ennis took another swig of whisky. “I’ll say this, Jack, think you know it already. Ain’t never felt nothin’ with no woman like I do with you, I’ve told you that.”

“Yeah, I know.” Jack looked at the fire. “So you don’t remember never havin’ no thoughts on other guys when you were growin’ up or nothin’?”

“No. “ Ennis took another swallow. “Don’t think so. I’ll think on it more. I ain’t always remembered stuff right, I seen that now. Workin’ so hard not ta’ think it. Like with us, took me a long time ta’ understand why I was pukin’ my guts out after I said goodbye to you in sixty-three. Maybe just figurin’ it out now. What about you?”

Jack shot a glance at Ennis’ face. “Which part?”

“Well, I know most o’ it. But when did you first – think on a fella that way.”

Jack examined Ennis’ face a minute.

Ennis said, soft, “I always figured ya’ knew something ‘fore our summer together, Jack. I ain’t a total idiot.”

Jack leaned back farther against the sofa, sighed, stared into the fire. “Kept havin’ these thoughts, startin’, I don’ know, maybe when I was eleven, twelve? Scared the shit out o’ me. Everybody said I was supposed ta’ be thinkin’ o’ tits and pussy and stuff. Kept tryin’ not to look, in the locker room, summers at the creek.”

Jack changed position, moved up close to the fire, started messing with a log with the poker. “By high school.” Jack glanced at Ennis again. Ennis nodded. Jack smiled, but it faded fast. “By high school was like a fire in me. Thinkin’ on – thinkin’ on guys’ parts and all. Wantin’ to be touched, feel that stuff.”

Ennis picked up the bottle, poured Jack and himself another slug.

“My daddy. My daddy and his friends, all my friends at school, all they ever talked ‘bout it was fags this, fags that.” Jack looked straight at Ennis now. “I didn’t see no Earl in a ditch, didn’t have to. Figured out real early weren’t no upside ta’ the things I was feelin’. Liked girls well enough, ‘course so horny at that age coulda screwed a knothole.” Jack shot a little smile to Ennis.

Ennis smiled back, said. “Yup.”

Jack looked back at the fire. “Put it to a coupla’ gals, it was fine.” Jack poked the fire again, hard. “Didn’t stop the yearnins’.”

Ennis felt a hankering to touch Jack, but just moved up closer to him near the fire. Jack poked a log and sparks flew out on the carpet, lingered and then died. Jack lowered his voice. “Wasn’t till I was eighteen got a chance.” Jack shot a significant look at Ennis. “Fall of 'Sixty-two. Was workin’ on a neighbor’s spread, there was an older guy hired on fer the harvest, probably twenty three, twenty four. Mike.”

Ennis reached his hand out, covered Jack’s where it sat on the rug, feeling something he couldn’t name. Jack turned and looked into Ennis’ eyes. “He showed me stuff. Kind enough in his own way. Thought I’d felt the most one guy could feel.” Jack looked down, turned his hand over, laced his fingers with Ennis’. Jack raised his eyes again to Ennis. “Till I met you.”

Ennis couldn’t speak, throat so clogged with tenderness for that young Jack, he just squeezed Jack’s hand. After a minute, he murmured, “wish I coulda been yer first,” but he said it tender, not mad. Jack seemed to understand, ‘cause he scooted closer, brought his free hand to Ennis’ cheek, said, “you were first in what counts, bud. But I wish that too.”

Ennis’ eyes were stinging now, no bones about it.

Jack brought his face close to Ennis’ now, whispered close to his lips, “maybe you can be my last,” and kissed Ennis, a sweet kiss, only lips, but lasting a long time, hand curled still on Ennis’ face. The kiss so sweet, the recollectin’ Jack at nineteen, the thinkin’ on tomorrow and sayin’ goodbye just when it was gettin’ so good - all of it came together to make Ennis’ heart hurt fierce. Part of him hated the womanish pleasure he was taking from kisses and Jack talkin’ to him so real, but he pushed it away, hard. The two of them, alone in the back o’ Texas, who was he tryin’ to hide from?

What had he been thinkin’ all them years, lettin’ fear keep him from this? He’d almost let this slip from between his fingers, Jack bein’ the best thing he’d ever had in his grasp. Even now, he was barely hangin’ onto him, still only a prayer of havin’ him for good. Now he had to wait and show he could do it, he really didn’t know if he could, road so hard that lay in front of him. Meantime, Jack’s rich cabin owner friend was growin’ “fond,” showin’ Jack the good life with fancy whisky and who knew what else.

After awhile Jack pulled back, said, “you wanna ask me anythin’ else, Ennis?”

Ennis looked at the fire. “This guy” – Ennis motioned to the cabin around them. “He a big burly fella, beard?”

Jack laughed. “Not hardly. That’s what yer dream showed?”

“Yeah.”

“Nah, he’s tall, skinny. O’course.”

Ennis just looked at Jack.

Jack snorted. “Like you, idiot.”

Ennis took that in.

Jack talked again. “Rich rancher, married for now. That what you wanna know?”

Ennis nodded. “So. I guess I can get Mexico, and this guy, not that I’m approvin’, mind, but what are them ‘other places’?”

“Other places?”

“You said, Mexico, married guys, coupla’ other places.”

Jack looked away, sighed. “Guess I did.” The silence stretched. “Don’ think I wanna talk about that right now.”

Ennis looked at the fire hard. “I didn’t just fall off a turnip truck, Jack.”

Jack took a breath, said, “Ennis, I’m gonna be stoppin’ all that. I prom-“

Ennis leaned over quick, his own mind not knowin’ what the hell he was doin’, hand shooting to Jack’s mouth, covering it hard. Ennis shook his head. “No promises, Jack, not now. No promises, no lies. For the both of us.” Jack’s eyes went wide, but he nodded, then grabbed Ennis’ hand with his own, pulled it off his mouth a fraction of an inch, then pulled it back to his lips, placing a gentle kiss in the middle of Ennis’ palm.

Ennis leaned in, put his hand on Jack’s face, said fierce, “I wanna be the person ya’ tell only truth to, Jack. The only person. Gone past the bullshit, haven’t we? Hurts like hell, but I want it ‘cause it’s you. And what’s the point, ain’t the real you?” Ennis pulled his hands back, managed a little smile. “You gotta take the real me then, too, anyway, and that ain’t exactly a prize.”

Jack smiled back, eyes wet. “Prize to me, Ennis del Mar.”

Ennus grunted, pushed himself to his feet. “Yeah, well, just be careful. You’re better off --.” Ennis had to clear his throat, study the wall. “You’re better off bein’ with this guy quiet-like than roamin’ aroun’ Mexico and them other places.”

Jack just stared.

Ennis started for the hall. “We better start packin’ up, tomorrow’s goin’ ta’ be here ‘fore we know it.”

Jack appeared in the bedroom door after Ennis had been packing for a while. He leaned on the door jamb, asked quiet, “So what happened ta’ me in yer dream, Ennis?”

Ennis stuffed a shirt into his bag with a vicious thrust. “Not worth talkin’ about. Just a dream.”

Jack walked in, sat on the bed, stared at Ennis. “Must’ve been a hell of a dream, friend.”

Ennis kept his back to Jack, said, “Yeah, well, just be careful. All I’m sayin’.”

“Ya’ seen me killed.”

Ennis didn’t answer, kept his back to Jack.

Jack’s voice was soft. “I’ll get the kitchen stuff loaded, what I can tonight. Then let’s go ta’ bed.”

Ennis nodded. “Sounds right by me.”

Ennis packed his clothes, packed Jack’s clothes, packed what he could in the bathroom. He stripped after he was done, crawled into the bed. Bed they’d shared, what, three nights now? Exhaustion hit Ennis hard, weren’t no young buck no more ta’ be rollin’ around in some meadow, stayin’ up ta’ all hours o’ the night. Thinkin’ on tomorrow made the life just drain out o’ his limbs.

Jack came in, crawled over to Ennis, put his head right on his chest, put his arms ‘round Ennis. This holding, no sex, stuff was startin’ to seem almost normal. Ennis couldn’t bring no words to his lips, and it seemed Jack couldn’t neither. The same moonlight that had painted Jack beautiful the other night seemed harsh tonight, glarin’ on what tomorrow would bring. Jack stroked Ennis’ hair, sweet feelin’, whispered, “you sleep now, Ennis, we can talk tomorrow on the drive ‘bout how this is goin’ ta’ work. You got a long drive ahead of ya’, you need ta’ sleep.”

Jack didn’t look like he’d be fallin’ asleep anytime soon, but Ennis did, against all odds, given all the feelings swirlin’ inside him, fallin’ asleep like some child held tender by her daddy. Like Francie, after one of them bad asthma spells, him strokin’ her hair, assurance to her someone was there watchin’ out for her if she slept.

Many hours later, beginnings of pale sunrise just seepin’ in through the blinds, Ennis woke. Jack’d moved off in the night, though their legs were still tangled. Sleepin’, most of the hardness was gone from his face. Squintin’, Ennis could see the young Jack there, under it all.

Three nights in this bed together. Three nights in an ocean of loneliness. Ennis had never been to the sea, though he’d thought to take the girls sometime. Like so much else, he’d never got ‘round to it, had to save money and time for Jack, never wanted them higher-payin’ jobs ‘cause couldn’t see workin’ inside, neither. Who was he foolin’ anyway; up to now, he’d never crossed the state line. But though he hadn’t seen it, Ennis thought on the ocean sometimes – deep and dark, vast and lonely. Beautiful on the surface, full of hidden darknesses.

Felt like one of them ocean riptides was pullin’ him down right now. Sadness in waves, beatin’ on his heart. Chop hittin’ his stomach with sickness. Dark ocean hole deeper’n all the deep around it, pressure so tight squeezin’ the air out of his lungs. Always sayin’ goodbye, Jack was right, never enough time, never enough.

Not just sadness, though. Shameful, but true: currents of fear were swirlin’ ‘round Ennis’ feet, tryin’ to grab hold. How would he do this in the world out there, the world where people called fag to anyone as breathed funny?

Ennis thought on tomorrow and the day after, each hour worse than the one before. Leavin’ this place for the drive to Childress, a downhill slant he could already feel in his bones. Everywhere they went, people’d be lookin’, wonderin’ what two guys were doin’ together out in the middle o’nowhere, no huntin’ guns, no fishin’ poles.

Goin’ to Childress – worse. Jack goin’ to his fancy bank, taking out money, big money knowin’ Jack, handin’ it to some beaten down hick drivin’ some shit piece o’ junk. Ennis havin’ to see Jack’s house again, all spic n’ span, see the town Jack’s rich rancher lived in.

But that was nothin’compared to tellin’ the world he’d be goin’ to Jack’s place. No way to keep from questions then. No escape from funny looks. Funny looks only the half o’ it compared to tellin’ the girls. Worse, really, them bein’ teenagers and able to think on it more. All the fancy stories in the world wouldn’t hide the fact that Ennis del Mar, man who never went farther than the handle of the damn coffee pot, was pullin’ up stakes to go to his buddy’s place. Sure, he’d tell ‘em it was ‘cause of the work or ‘cause of Jack’s folks’ need, but he could just ‘bout see the questions in their eyes right now.

And what the hell would Jack’s folks think, final humiliation on this journey down off the mountain. Right bastard, Jack’s daddy, Ennis knew it from the stories Jack’d told. Not stupid, though, that was clear.

Even Jack’s folks weren’t the worst of it. Fightin’ it the whole time, Ennis’ mind skipped over ta’ Alma, Alma with her morality and her grocer man and her knowin’ the truth, only one besides Jack in the world knowin’ the truth fer sure, his sin to her unforgiveable any way you looked at it.

How the hell was he going to do this thing he’d taken on, out in the world of bright lights, loud noises, people who stared and whispered ‘bout guys like them? When had Ennis del Mar ever took the hard path? Never happened before, chances were couldn’t never really do it now. Easy to talk, that nightmare doggin’ him, hard to do.

And Jack wouldn’t even be with him. Might not never be, even if Ennis stayed in Lightning Flat waitin’ the rest of his life. And why in hell had he stopped Jack from making that promise ‘bout other guys? What had he been thinkin’? He really had no fuckin’ clue.

What could Ennis offer Jack, anyway? Some plan, offerin’ Jack Lightnin’ Flat. A place Jack was dyin’ to leave every day of his childhood, hadn’t let the door hit him on the way out. Ennis a washed up cowboy with nothin’ to his name, no education beyond freshman, no life outside his girls, and that a sorry once in awhile kind of thing at that.

“We can eat breakfast down in the village, I can call my folks there.” Jack’s voice, close at hand.

“Hm.”

“Alien spacecraft come lit on the back deck.”

“Mmm?”

Ennis suddenly had Jack’s warm body on top of him, Jack’s laughing face inches above his own. Appeared Jack had woken up.

“Ennis, yer thoughts are spinnin’ so dark I kin see ‘em from out here. Bin talkin’ to you fer some time.”

Ennis frowned. “Sorry, bud.”

Jack’s smile faded. “Knew this had ta’ happen sometime.”

“This?”

“Ya’ slidin’ down into yer paranoia. Ain’t an easy thing ya’ set fer yourself, Ennis. I know that better n’anyone.”

Ennis sighed. “Probably won’t be able ta’ do it, Jack, might be too much fer me.”

Jack’s eyes got fierce, and his hands came to either side of Ennis’ face, old gesture for them, the clingin’ on like that. “You listen ta’ me, Ennis.”

Ennis sighed again. Weren’t much use to talk ‘bout it all, were it?

Jack spoke fierce, low. “Look at me, Ennis.”

Ennis slid his eyes up to Jack’s. Jack’s eyes were dark, strong, flashin’. A shiver ran up Ennis’ spine.

Jack rolled them on their sides facing each other, hands still framin’ Ennis’ face, eyes still locked. Jack’s mouth was very close. Ennis felt Jack’s warm breath on his face.

Jack brought one hand down sudden to Ennis’ dick, and the shiver that had just run up Ennis’ spine ran back down it. Ennis hadn’t even known he was hard, though he shoulda figured it. He felt his eyes start to close. Jack whispered, voice hard, “Look at me, Ennis.”

Ennis opened his eyes, looked straight into Jack, inches away. Jack’s hand squeezed on Ennis’ dick. A little sound left Ennis’ lips.

Jack took Ennis’ hand and pulled it to his cock. Ennis cupped it, hard and heavy in his hand.

“Ya’ feel that, Ennis?”

Ennis murmured, “cain’t hardly help it, now can I?”

Jack tightened his grip, started to slide his fingers on Ennis. Bolts of fire shot up Ennis’ spine. “Ennis, listen ta’ me. You think on this today, and all them other days.”

Ennis’ eyes started closing again, and Jack shook Ennis’ face with the remaining hand on his temple, said “open yer eyes.”

Ennis did, feelin’ helpless against Jack, this strong Jack that had sprung up with the years, lovin’ this Jack mixed with the sweet Jack. Even in the midst of this pleasure, Ennis had a thought, fleetin’. Maybe this strong Jack was there all along, him bein’ a son o’ the Wyomin’ prairie too, but Ennis hadn’t seen it, bein’ so caught up in havin’ to be strong himself.

Jack’s hand started movin’, slowly, on Ennis, and Ennis’ thoughts flew away on the heat of it. “You think on this when yer asshole daddy’s voice comes in yer head, tellin’ you this is nasty, everyone’s talkin’ ‘bout you, everyone knows.”

“Jack.” Ennis’ voice came out funny, such a mixture o’ feelins’ goin’ on.

Jack leaned in, kissed right into Ennis’ mouth with his tongue, pushed it all the way in, Ennis suckin’ on it without even thinkin’.

Jack pulled back after awhile, and Ennis started movin’ his own hand on Jack, feelin’ of Jack hard under his hand like hittin’ an elk with one shot. All them times he’d had Jack in his hand like this, and maybe he was only now knowin’ the pleasure it gave to him, Jack’s cock hard, hard as anythin’, strong and all man, responsive to his every touch.

Jack’s voice got tight. “You think on this when ya’ see that guy in that ditch, you jus’ nine years old, little baby seein’ that, makes my daddy seem some saint.”  
Jack twisted his fingers on Ennis. Ennis moaned.

Jack leaned in again and fucked Ennis’ mouth with his tongue, ‘cause that’s what it was, pushin’ in, swirlin’ around, pullin’ almost out, then back in. Jack was pantin’ when he pulled back just enough to say, “you think of this, and tell them voices, those eyes, those people thinkin’ stuff, to go fuck themselves, you hear me Ennis del Mar?”

Ennis was pantin’ himself now, but he got some spit and brought it down to Jack, covering him good. Jack arched back, shoving into Ennis’ hand. The pale stretch of Jack’s neck pulled at Ennis’ mouth, and what started as a kiss turned into a suckin’, a wantin’ to put something on Jack that would show tomorrow after they was apart. Jack writhed underneath him, moanin’, deep moan like Ennis’ mouth on him was hotter’n anything. Ennis sucked a long time, movin’ his hand on Jack’s cock at the same time, pressed up all along Jack’s body.

Jack pushed Ennis away, pantin’, held his face so he was lookin’ right at him, said, gaspin’ for air, “‘Cause if you don’t, and I gotta be without you, rest o’ my life, gonna break my heart fer good, worse than ever before, and I won’t care I end up in a ditch somewhere, you hear me, Ennis?”

Ennis couldn’t get no air. His hand stopped movin’ on Jack at the same time Jack’s stopped on him. He choked out. “That’s not fair.”

Jack breathed in a bunch of air. “Yeah. Life’s a bitch, ain’t it. Wasn’t me showed up on yer doorstep. Now ya’ gotta take the heat.”

Ennis was breathin’ hard now, anger, shame, fear, sorrow, lust, all of it a swirlin’ mess inside. Feelin’ he recognized, feelin’ in years past would have him walkin’ out the door, findin’ a fight. Or he could just fuck Jack now, flip him over and do it like so many times before, no doubt. Didn’t seem enough somehow, this last time, for sure ‘nuf it was that, for now at least, maybe forever.

Unbidden, unwanted, Ennis’ eyes stung, thinkin’ on their partin’, thinkin’ on Jack losin’ his innocence, havin’ to be strong, and whose fault that was. Jack was still lookin’ into Ennis’ eyes, not afraid of him, though maybe he should be, waitin’ on Ennis.

Ennis used his own strength to shake off the sadness and the anger, pulled the sheets off their bodies, reached down, pulled Jack’s hand off Ennis’ dick, moved Jack’s hand over onto Jack’s own cock, all the while keepin’ his gaze right into Jack’s eyes.  
Jack’s eyes were huge. Quite a feat, shockin’ Jack Twist.

Ennis’ voice sounded scratchy to his own ears. “Wanna see you. See what you do when you’re alone.”

Jack just stared.

Ennis said, “You’re blushin’, Jack.”

Jack took a breath, said “No, I ain’t.”

Ennis laughed a little chuckle, reached his other hand to Jack’s cheek, caressed the faint redness there. “Never thought I’d see the day Ennis del Mar made Jack Fuckin’ Twist blush.”

Jack’s lips quirked.

Ennis’ voice darkened, turned into a growl. “Wanna see what you do when the need takes you, you ain’t got no one around. ‘Cause this is our last time. Fer now.” Ennis pushed a little on Jack’s hand. “Wanna watch.” He leaned into Jack’s ear. “Wanna listen.”

Jack’s face was a study and that was no lie, shock and embarrassment warring with turned on, Ennis could read Jack’s face ‘bout as clear as the Sunday paper.

Ennis said, voice almost a purr, “ya’ said anythin’ I wanted.”

Jack rolled his eyes, whispered, “Jesus H., Ennis, do you remember every fuckin’ thing I ever said?”

Ennis smirked. “Yup. I do.”

Jack swallowed, heat kindling in his eyes.

Ennis leaned in, licked at Jack’s lips. “Come on, Jack. Wanna see. Somethin’ fer me to think on.” Jack made a sound like a whine. Ennis ducked forward again, licked into Jack’s mouth, open and willin’ under him. “Somethin’ for you to think on.”

Jack moaned deep in his throat, and Ennis could feel the muscles in Jack’s arm flex, knew Jack had started touchin’ himself. Hot fire ran through Ennis at the very thought, Jack openin’ himself to him like that.

Ennis pulled back from Jack’s face to look. Jack’s hand was running softly up and down his dick. Early dawn light painted Jack in light and shadows, showing wetness already gathering at the tip.

Ennis pushed his own cock up against Jack’s hand, feelin’ it movin’ faster. Ennis whispered, “Jack, look,” and Jack did, gasping at the sight.

Jack angled so the tip of his dick hit Ennis’ cock every stroke, then took it and rubbed it along Ennis. Ennis’ groan shook the bed. “Fuck.”

Jack leaned in and ran his tongue along Ennis’ lips now, hot fire zinging where it touched, then shoved his tongue in, hot n’ hard. Ennis’ tongue twined with Jack’s, and they pushed their bodies tighter and tighter together.

Jack pulled back a little, gasping, said, “you, Ennis, wanna see you. How you wring it out, thinkin’ o’ me.”

Ennis felt his own blush but ignored it, bit his lip and forced his hand onto himself. Jack shuddered, a deep shake that ran through his whole body.

Looking down at their bodies, Ennis thought he’d never seen nothin’ so obscene, nor nothin’ so beautiful, in his life, their bodies twined together at the feet, touchin’ along all the skin they could, watchin’ each other doin’ this most private thing of all.

Ennis’ cheeks heated some more, but he let his fingers run down his cock, then up and down again, over and over. Jack was lookin’ now, tongue curled between his lips like it did sometimes, eyes smoky. And then he was startin’ to talk, sayin’, “Jesus, Ennis, jus’ thinkin’ on what you’re doin’- I cain’t stand it, I won’t last.”

Ennis gritted out, “slow down, want it to last,” and Jack did, stillin’ his fingers completely, eyes gone liquid and dark watchin’ Ennis. Ennis built to a rhythm and Jack leaned in for a searin’ kiss that got Ennis to shakin’.

Jack started his own hand movin’ again, slow. It startled a gasp out of Ennis when Jack brought his fingers to the tip of his cock and rubbed a little o’ the slick around. Ennis copied the motion on himself and Jack moaned, reached with his mouth for Ennis’ mouth again.

They pulled off to breathe, Ennis gaspin’ in huge pants o’ air, Jack too. Jack was moanin’ for real now, startin’ to chant, “Ennis, Ennis,” down low in his throat. His name on Jack’s lips went straight to Ennis cock, now rock hard and weeping, and his hand sped up.

Jack was lookin’ down at them again, and Ennis let himself get a little showy, takin’ the slick and smoothin’ it slow down his length. Jack whined, said, “Ennis, I want -.”  
Ennis kissed Jack again, shovin’ his tongue in, free hand clenchin’ on Jack’s hair, pulled back, grated “anythin’ you want, Jack, anythin’.”

“Fuck!” Jack tightened his own grip on Ennis’ curls, brought their mouths together again in a bruisin’ kiss.

Jack’s hand had sped up on himself again, and he brought his free hand out of Ennis’ curls to Ennis’ balls, cuppin’ them sweet n’ hot, pullin’ a groan out of Ennis.

Ennis’ free hand slid down, went to the base of Jack’s cock, felt the sac below it, springy hairs and warm life pulsing. Jack moaned hard, tossed his head back, and Ennis dove in for that beautiful neck again, starlin’ a low whine from Jack’s throat.

“I want – “

Ennis growled on Jack’s neck, raised his mouth up to Jack’s ear, said, “nothin’ you could want is shameful to me, Jack, nothin’.”

Jack shuddered, moaned. Ennis licked at Jack’s ear and Jack thrashed underneath him. Ennis dove down to his mouth, fucked it with his tongue, feelin’ at the same time the movin’ of Jack’s hand on himself, right up against his own hand on his own dick.

Jack pulled back from his mouth an inch, panted into Ennis’ mouth, “put something in me,” and Ennis felt his own body shudder in response, shudder so strong he had to clamp down on his balls to keep from unloadin’ right then and there.

Ennis whispered “yes” at Jack’s mouth, then forced his tongue back in hard. He slid the fingers of his free hand into Jack’s mouth, right up against their tongues, Jack writhing now underneath him, the feelin’ of it and the knowin’ what was next makin’ them both pant for air.

Ennis slid down a few inches, his own cock hard under his own hand, said, “watch,” and slid two fingers into Jack, far as they could go. Ennis had to stop his hand on himself or he would’ve shot right then, Jack’s body twitchin’ like electric volts was runnin’ through him.

Jack pulled his head up, craned down searchin’ for Ennis’ mouth. Ennis craned his own neck up, and their tongues were in each others’ mouths again, fierce.

Jack pulled his mouth back, said, “Ennis, Oh God, I’m gonna – “and Ennis pulled his fingers back a little, then added a third, pushed hard. Jack yelled. Ennis said, “Jack, watch,” and Jack, helpless, looked again, eyes wild, and came in a gush on his own hand, his belly, Ennis’ hand and Ennis’ cock. His insides clamped down on Ennis’ fingers and his body arched up, yell on his lips, “Ennis!”

Ennis watched him, watched him every second, and Jack kept his eyes open to watch, then brought his eyes up to Ennis’, such pleasure in them Ennis might’ve drowned in the blue.

Ennis kept up a slow slide on himself, Jack’s seed coatin’ Ennis’ cock and Ennis’ hand, him knowin’ this was part of Jack. He let his fingers slip out of Jack, brought them up to cup light ‘round Jack’s balls, knowin’ the good feelin’ of that after.

Jack came back slowly, eyes focusing again on Ennis, said “Jesus H. fuckin’ Christ,” looked down at Ennis’ hand, still on his own cock, growled low and said, “now you.” Jack was breathin’ hard and his eyes was fierce, and Ennis’d been holdin’ back forever.

Jack’s hand came on top of Ennis’ hand, holdin’ on while it worked on his cock, his tongue came in Ennis’ mouth again, and Ennis felt himself fallin’, fallin’ into Jack. He felt a yearnin’ for somethin’, heard himself moan, “Jack, me, too,” not quite bein’ able to say the wish out loud.

Jack deepened the kiss, hittin’ every place inside Ennis’ mouth, then pulled his mouth off, said, “look,” rubbed his fingers in his own spunk, lyin’ there on Ennis’ belly, and brought them back down to Ennis. One finger breachin’ startled a grunt, but Ennis pushed into it, and Jack took that as a sign to try two.

Ennis felt sweat pop out all over, could barely keep up a rhythm on his own cock, heard himself groan, “Jack.”

Jack said close to Ennis’ lips, “feel this” and twisted his fingers somehow, and Ennis was babblin’ words that weren’t words, electric fire coursin’ through his bones, body thrashin’. Jack whispered soft, “Ennis, look,” and Ennis looked down at the sight of Jack’s hand up inside him, other hand covering his own hand on his own cock, and came, the feel of his own spunk floodin’ on his fingers to mingle with Jack’s, Jack’s breath warm and alive on his face.

Jack shoved his tongue in Ennis’ mouth when Ennis was still comin’, pullin’ Ennis’ head up to meet him, and Ennis’ groan shook his body.

When Jack’s tongue went away, Ennis said, “darlin’,” and Jack said, almost too low to hear, “baby,” and Ennis felt another, improbable, wave course through his cock, and an arrow pierce his heart.

Ennis brought his hand to Jack’s hair again, needin’ to feel his fingers card through it, brought Jack’s mouth to his again for another kiss, this one gentler, tongues softening. Jack’s one hand tangled in Ennis’ hair, pullin’ through the curls.

Their bodies were pressed up together, and Ennis drew Jack in even tighter, wrappin’ his arms ‘round him strong, keepin’ their lips together. Felt like their whole selves was touchin’, bodies and hearts, too. Jack tightened his own arms ‘round Ennis, wrapped his legs further ‘round. Gradually their lips stopped kissin’ and they just lay there, mouths almost together, breathin’ in time, touchin’ on every part of their bodies as could reach.

Ennis wasn’t sure who first pulled back a little, maybe it was both of them at the same time, but slowly, bit by bit, they pulled apart, and after a long stretch of time, they got up and moved to the shower together.

Seemed like there should be somethin’ to say, but Ennis couldn’t think of one single thing. Jack neither, apparently, ‘cause the first words they spoke was Ennis, sayin’ “I’ll do yer hair.” Jack smiled, and Ennis tried to pore all his feelins’ into the hair washin’, makin’ his fingers strong but gentle, keepin’ up the massagin’ till Jack said, “mmm” and leaned all the way into Ennis’ hands.

Washin’ Jack’s body, Ennis did the same thing, gentle but strong, still a man but doin’ this lovin’ thing for his fella. Jack musta felt it, ‘cause after, he cradled Ennis’ cheek with his palm, pressed a sweet kiss on Ennis’ lips, water fallin’ into both of their eyes.

Not much words were said neither throwin’ their last things in the truck, Jack having already taken Ennis’ bag and stuck it in, along with his own. Jack took a moment puttin’ the key back under some rock, it not escapin’ Ennis for the second time that Jack sure was acquainted with where that key belonged.

Jack took the truck key, they both got in, but Jack just sat a minute, not startin’ the engine. Ennis looked over at him, and Jack hunched his shoulders, gripped the wheel tight for a minute. Jack turned his face to Ennis, breathed out in a gush, said “Ya’ ready?”

Ennis wanted to say he wasn’t ready, wouldn’t never be ready, not for bein’  
‘round other people, not for goin’ back to the real world, and most of all not for leavin’ Jack for one single minute. He shifted his hat down lower on his head, but made sure Jack could see his eyes, nodded, said, “Ready ‘nuf.”

The drive to the village was silent, and that was fine, them bein’ guys and no need to blather on ‘bout stuff weren’t nothin’ to be done about. They ate breakfast in some place where the waitress knew Jack, Ennis wincin’ when she asked him did he want his regular, it bein’ obvious Jack’d been to that cabin more than the coupla times he’d said.

Jack put his fingers to his forehead, took a breath, said “sorry” down low when the waitress left their table.

Ennis finished swallowin’ the sip of coffee in his mouth, havin’ a difficult time swallowin’ over the bile risin’ up from considerin’ Jack and them other men, and this particular other man who probably sat in this very chair across from his Jack. Considered what the hell to say. Looked at Jack, sure lookin’ mighty sorry, couldn’t even look at Ennis’ face. Ennis figured he’d have plenty of time to let out the anger later, not much point to it now, said quiet as he could manage, “why I stopped you from promisin’ anythin’ now, you’ve gotten used ta’ the lyin’, the dickin’ around.“

Jack raised his eyes to Ennis, and Ennis could tell it took quite an effort. Jack cleared his throat, said “Yer bein’ awful understandin’, considerin’ how I’m guessin you feel.”

Despite his resolve, Ennis felt anger boil up. “You want I should spell it out for you, how I feel about it?”

Jack darted a glance around the restaurant, and Ennis realized he musta raised his voice a bit. Jack shook his head. “Think not. Unless you need to.”

Ennis cleared his throat, kept his voice as low as he could, said, “I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed, Jack, but I get that it’s ‘least partly my fault. Time may come, Jack, when I ain’t so understandin’. Time may come fer promises.” Ennis waited till Jack turned his head to look at him. “Not just promises. If I change, you gotta change, I ain’t that much a Christian. Hope I ain’t given that impression.”

Jack’s mouth actually curled up a little. “Well, ya’ did say you’d wait in Lightnin’ Flat not never askin’ nothin’ of me.” Ennis couldn’t talk for a second, and Jack said “But I kinda figured that was the not havin’ slept or ate for days talkin’.” Jack hesitated, added, “I know you better’n that, Ennis.”

Exasperatin’, that’s what Jack was, but Ennis just snorted and drank some more coffee. “Ain’t no sense in talkin’ about it no more now, Jack.” And that was true, Ennis realized. It was somethin’ to be dealt with another time, when they weren’t headin’ down the mountain, when Ennis wasn’t headin’ up the mountain of tryin’ to do somethin’ he could hardly believe he’d took on.

The waitress brought their food, and Ennis dug in, surprisin’ himself by bein’ able to eat at all. Ennis even took a moment to enjoy the experience of eatin’ out in a restaurant with Jack, somethin’ they’d done only a few times in twenty years. If it weren’t for it bein’ this particular restaurant, on this particular leavin’ day, the experience might be downright nice.

He remembered the first time they’d eaten in a restaurant together, them comin’ off a night in the Motel Siesta, shit place as far from Riverton as he could stand ta’ go, which after not seein’ Jack for four years had been ‘bout ten minutes drivin’, considerin’ the stop for whiskey took another ten. Ennis remembered thinkin’ that he didn’t know much Spanish, but sure as shit he and Jack hadn’t done much sleepin’, ironical given the name Siesta.

That night still memorable, Jack shakin’ so bad Alma musta felt them floorboards tremblin’ when Ennis brought Jack up ta’ meet her. Miracle they made it inside the door of that motel, miracle the door got closed, ‘course it helped Ennis grabbed Jack and pinned him flat against the inside of that old door the second they got it open.

“Ennis?” Jack was wavin’ his hand in front of Ennis’ face. “What ya’ thinkin’ on?”

“Nothin’.” Ennis could feel that he must have been smilin’, which must look pretty strange to Jack followin’ on the discussion they’d just had.

“Ennis.” Jack was getting’ growly.

“Fine.” Ennis slouched back, looked Jack in the face. “Was thinkin’ on one o’ the other times we ate at a restaurant together. That time in Riverton, after that Motel Siesta.“ Ennis let his smile show and lowered his voice. “And that night there.”

Jack’s mouth curled up real slow, and his eyes turned warm and grateful. “Allright then.”

The warmth in Ennis’ heart didn’t falter even when the waitress appeared again. If the look she shot them was funny, Ennis didn’t care. Plenty of time for that later too.

Ennis sat in the truck while Jack called his folks. Whole thing seemed so crazy to Ennis now he just sat there, waitin’ on his fate.

Jack came back pretty fast, big ol’ grin splittin’ his face. He slid into the driver’s seat, started the truck and eased her onto the highway. He darted a quick grin to Ennis, then looked out ahead at the highway. “My momma, ain’t heard her like that in a long time, she’s all excited.” Jack reached a hand across the seat, poked Ennis in the ribs. “She’s gonna fatten you up, boy, that’s the least of it.”

Ennis squirmed. “Jack. Yer gonna crash the truck.”

Jack just laughed, looked back to the road. “She wants to know can you bring the girls too. Told her how they live with Alma most of the time, plus Junior’s set to graduatin’, but she’s got it all planned, girls come in the summer, stay on the place, swim in the creek, bake cookies, you name it.”

Ennis throat swelled up, very thought of it, his girls welcome, more than welcome, runnin’ in the sunshine of summer on a spread like that, Jack’s momma wanting them around.

But what the fuck? “Jack, what’d you tell them?”

Jack smiled. “I jus’ told ‘em my buddy, one they heard about goin’ on twenty years, needed a change, divorced and all, good worker.”

Ennis scooted down in the seat a little lower, said, “What’d yer Daddy say?”

“Caught him home, that’s a miracle right there. He’d usually be out on the spread by now. Just said, ‘hope he’s half the worker you always said.’ My daddy ain’t much one fer words. Tell ya’ what, though.” Jack paused.

“What?”

“Think he was happy to get somebody might know what they’re doin’. Think he might know he ain’t too good at runnin’ them hands. Stock, too. Think he’s worried ‘bout getting’ old. Never thought much on it, but I’m not sure he ever wanted ta’ be runnin’ some ranch.” Jack looked over at Ennis, took in the hunch of his shoulders. He said, soft, “My momma wants you to stay in the house with them, not the bunkhouse.”

Ennis let a lot of road go by under the truck’s old tires before he said anything to that, and Jack let him, wonderful thing ‘bout him ‘bein a guy and furthermore knowin’ Ennis as good as he did. Wasn’t too much road left to Childress, near as Ennis could tell, when he finally said, “Don’t think it’d be right, stayin’ in their house. They thinkin’ I’m overseein’ the hands?”

Jack said, as if it hadn’t been many a mile of silence, “Yup. My daddy said it himself.” Jack shifted his voice deeper ta’ imitate his daddy. “Gonna put him over the hands. Won’t be any worse.”

“Think it’s best I pitch my tent. Then I’m not stayin’ with yer folks, not stayin’ with the hands. What d’ya’ think?”

Jack nodded. “That’d be best, you gonna get those deuces ta’ respect you. Not that they wouldn’t anyway.” He shot a quick gland over to Ennis, stern. “When the cold weather comes, you ought to move in to the house.”

Ennis straightened up a bit, said, “Now, Jack, wanna ask you one thing. I mean to build a place, if I really do this. They okay with that?”

“Sure ‘nuf.” Jack smiled. “My momma always said the upper forty’d be a fine site for another place. They mentioned it particular, you were welcome to build somethin’ if ya’ wanted to. Far as they know at the moment, ain’t no chance a’ me buildin’ on it, they figure might as well go ta’ some good use.”

“You still okay with that, Jack?”

Jack flashed a serious look at Ennis. “I’m more than okay with that, Bud. I just cain’t believe yer really sayin’ it.”

Ennis sighed, looked at the landscape outside the window changing from scrub pines to flat out Texas desert, sagebrush whirlin’ ‘cross the road, endless horizon, said, “Yeah, well it’s the doin’ that matters, not the sayin’.”

Jack waited a number of seconds, then said gentle, from the heart, “ain’t that the truth.”

They shared a quick smile, and then the rest of the miles ticked off. As Childress approached, Ennis felt his guts start to clench, familiar feelin’ but now he understood it complete.

The old dark thoughts started comin’ in to his head hard, too, ‘bout people lookin’ at them and guessin’, lookin’ at him and knowin’.

Jack pulled up to a big shiny new bank, cut the engine, and blew out a big breath. “Well. Here we are.”

Ennis nodded. “I need ta’ come in?”

Jack shook his head. “No need.”

Ennis gathered courage, offered to Jack, “You want me to?”

Jack, merciful, said no, shot Ennis a grateful smile, which he returned back.

Sittin’ in the truck, Ennis saw the shiny bank, the normal people walkin’ on these coupla streets of downtown Childress. A couple had stopped Jack on his way in, all dressed up in finery, smilin’ at Jack like he was important. Jack was glad-handin’ ‘em, and they was lappin’ it up. Salesman. Wouldn’t have ever thought that Jack Twist, the boy with rodeo in his dreams and don’t wanna live like everyone else in his heart woulda ended up like this.

Jack spent a bit of the time in the bank, but next Ennis knew, he was pressin’ a big envelope in Ennis’ hands. Ennis started to open it, but Jack said, “not now, wait,” and Ennis said, “I’ll get it back to you if I cain’t do it.”

Jack just nodded. He didn’t seem in any hurry to start the car back up. His eyes were startin’ to get that desperate look again, the one Ennis couldn’t stand, and he was lookin’ around those Childress streets a bit paranoid himself.

Ennis said quiet, “Jack, you wanna talk ‘bout what’s waitin’ here for ya’? I fucked up yer life again pullin’ this stunt?”

Jack looked off at the car window. “My choice. Probably could fix it all up if I wanted to.” Jack sighed, empty look in his eyes.

Ennis felt something new rise up in him, some part of him he hadn’t known was there maybe, said, “Jack. Jack, don’t –“ Ennis swallowed, “don’t do nothin’ on account of me right yet. You got a good life ya’ made for yerself. Nice house, Lureen sounds like she’s a good woman, you got Bobby, maybe –“ Ennis gritted his teeth – “maybe somebody else who cares ‘bout you.” Jack was looking at him funny, but he went on. “Just don’t – don’t throw it all away on account o’ me doin’ somethin’ right for once. It’s just three days so far, wait and see if I can make it longer than that before ya’ throw somethin’ away that’s workin’ good for you. You should fix it up, fer now, when you get back.”

Jack looked at Ennis’ face, searching look. “You sure you’re really Ennis del Mar, not some alien transplanted into his body?”

Ennis’ mouth curled up, Jack tryin’ to make him smile at a time like this bein’ such a Jack thing to do.

“Well, just don’t quote me.”

Jack smiled, a real smile that reached his eyes. After a minute the smile faded, and Jack took a breath. “Ennis, if you decide you cain’t do it, any time, just send a postcard. Say – say the fish ain’t bitin’ or somethin’. Don’t worry ‘bout that stuff I said. I’ll know you tried your hardest.”

Ennis took his hat off, held it on his lap, shook his head. “Ain’t gonna send you no more postcards.” Ennis raised his eyes to Jack. “No more postcards ‘cause you’re goin’ ta’ know where you can find me, any day, any time. ‘Less you send me one tellin’ me get on away from yer folks’ place.”

Jack pressed his lips together. His hand started toward Ennis, then fell onto the seat. “Allright then.”

Ennis stared at Jack’s hand, lying there on the seat between them, broad light of day in downtown Childress, took a breath and put his own hand, for one heartbeat of time, on top of Jack’s hand, then pulled it off. “Allright.”

Jack nodded, gunned the truck, and within minutes they were on Jack’s street. Jack got out, Ennis slid over, Jack got his stuff out of the back and came to the window. Ennis was tryin’ real hard to be a man, maybe Jack too, ‘cause his mouth looked a little shaky. Ennis couldn’t stand it, so he said, “goodbye, Jack.”

Jack wouldn’t let go of the window, just leanin’ onto it, sayin’ “goodbye, Ennis,” lookin’ like he wanted to say more than that, and Ennis wanted ta’ kiss him so bad he could taste it. Jack knew it, ‘cause he licked his lips and looked right into Ennis’ eyes.

Ennis remembered one time when Francine was a baby, her gettin’ some kinda barb in her foot. Every time Alma went to get it out, Francine had shook with fear and screamed. Ennis’d clenched his jaw, held her foot with an iron grip, and said, “Francie, darlin’, sometimes ain’t nothin’ for it but a yank, then it’s all over.”

That was how this was, each passin’ minute just getting’ worse. Ennis said, “I gotta go, cain’t stand this, Jack,”

Jack said “allright,” voice catchin’ just a little, and Ennis said soft into Jack’s face, “I took yer shirt, Jack.” Jack’s fist went to his mouth hearin’ that, his forehead crinkled, and then Ennis pulled the car away and he was seein’ him in his side mirror, gettin’ smaller and smaller standin’ there on that fancy street.

And just like that, Ennis was drivin’ away from Jack, again, guts churnin’, eyes stingin’, like all them other times. The waters were suckin’ Ennis in deep now, swirlin’ ‘round his heart with darkness, chokin’ his lungs, crampin’ his guts. He hoped the road went straight for a bit, ‘cause he couldn’t see too well, eyes swimmin’, vision turned grey. Maybe the world had turned grey for all he knew, Jack Twist not bein’ there next to him no more.

Though the tears went away, the mist over his vision didn’t clear none. Might as well have been sucked out to sea for the darkness that was fallin’ on his heart. Every hundred miles acquainted him more and more with the person he really was.

Who was he foolin’ anyway, with his dreams o’ sharin’ a life with Jack. The world had changed a little since Earl was drug around and left in that ditch, but not enough to make it safe, certainly not enough to keep people from laughin’ and talkin’. Ennis weren’t no hero, hadn’t never been, and thinkin’ on people’s scorn made a cold shiver run through him.

Sure, he had meant it at the time. Sure, he had seen a way to maybe do it, out in the back forty of Jack’s folks’ place. But that was that nightmare talkin’, fillin’ him with sad visions. Jack was fine, nothin’ bad was goin’ to happen to Jack. He’d probably be better off livin’ the life he’d figured out for himself down in Childress. Up in Wyoming, people would talk, two guys shacked up together, just weren’t no way around it. Everyone would know, country people bein’ like that. Everywhere Ennis went, everywhere Ennis and Jack went, people would know, people would stare, people would scurry their children out o’ the way. And them tire irons were possible, too, Ennis knew that well enough.

By the time Ennis arrived at his trailer on that Wyomin’ prairie, he knew it had just been a dream, his own last dream of how it maybe coulda been. Weren’t the real Ennis del Mar. It’d been a full day since he and Jack had woken in the early dawn light, but it could have been one minute or twenty years. The drivin’ all blended together, and Ennis couldn’t remember nothin’ of the road.

Ennis cut the engine and looked at his trailer, piece of shit in the middle of nothin’. He had nothin’ and nobody, and that was just the way it was meant to be. Dreams was dreams, but weren’t no way Ennis del Mar could ever step out o’ the tried and true, listen to the shushed laughter and see the open scorn.

Some people just weren’t meant for nothin’ more than grey. People like him just put their heads down and kept walkin’. If once in awhile, coupla times a year, he had had the privilege o’ seein’ a bit o’ color, he should be grateful, not get greedy for more. He couldn’t fix the world, so he’d just have to stand it, live on memories if he had to, ‘cause the world weren’t set up for people like him and Jack.

Ennis got out of the truck, grabbed his bag, went to his door. Junior’d apparently been by, so that was a blessin’, ‘cause there was a note, “Daddy call me when you get back, love, Junior.” Later he’d walk to the pay phone, but now he just needed to lie down and rest a bit, cradle his sorrow to him and see if it was too early to start reelin’ out the memories.

He opened the door, saw with clear eyes how he’d been livin’. One cup, dirty, on the counter. Two plates in the cupboard, coupla cans of food, saggin’ chair near the t.v. Even less color inside than outside, and that was sayin’ something, the area ‘round Riverton not exactly bein’ some riot o’ sights. Ennis sank into his chair, put his head in his hands, weary to his bones.

Just as well he wouldn’t be able to do it, Jack needin’ so much more than Ennis had ta’ give. Ennis didn’t have nothin’ to offer, him a grey old guy without an ounce of fun ta’ his name. Jack’d be allright, never havin’ no trouble findin’ people fond of him, probably better off.

Sure, Jack’d be sorry Ennis couldn’t do it, but he’d probably known in his heart it weren’t going to happen. Jack was strong, he’d be fine. Ennis’d send him that postcard, fish not bitin’, and Jack would understand, he always did. Hurt Ennis’ heart to think on it, but wasn’t no point fightin’ it.

After some time he got up, decided to take a shower and hit the hay for awhile, though he didn’t think he’d go to his bed, just curl up in his chair, thought of bein’ in a bed alone somehow worse than anythin’ right now.

Ennis went to get his toothbrush out of his bag, figurin’ he could at least do his teeth, opened the bag. Strange. A grocery bag was inside, top folded over neat. No wonder his bag had seemed fuller than it should. Ennis stared at it a minute, flutter in his stomach. His hands reached, tremblin’ a little, for the bag, lifted it out. Light as a feather. He remembered Jack two days ago at that little lake, grocery bag like this tucked under his arm.

Ennis sat down on his crappy chair, put the bag on his lap, took a breath. He unfolded the top, opened it up. What in the world? A sharp scent hit his nose, sending a stab to his heart. Smelt like mountain grasses, like Jack.

It was so dark in his trailer, Ennis couldn’t see in. He upended the bag, shook it out. He gasped out loud. Cascading over his lap, quantities of flowers, flowers from that meadow by the lake, in all the colors of God’s earth, yellows, reds, blues and pinks, interlaced with every shade of white and orange and purple. Ennis’ heart leapt, he felt it actually skip a beat.

His throat closed, and then he was cryin’, cryin’ for real, cryin’ for sorrow and for joy, his Jack still able, after all the hurt and all the years, to give such a gift to him. Jack still wantin’ Ennis more than anyone else, Ennis knew in his heart Jack’d never given no flowers to no other man, nor any woman for that matter. He’d told Ennis himself that meadow had reminded him of Brokeback, he’d kept their times together as close to his heart as Ennis had, seein’ a place like that and thinkin’ on Ennis.

Jack wanted this, that’s what he was tellin’ him, wanted Ennis to do it. Jack wanted to bring the color ta’ Ennis’ life, was willin’ ta’ try it even now, twenty years on. For whatever goddamned reason, Jack wanted Ennis same as Ennis wanted Jack. Jack’d been tellin’ him that for sixteen years of drivin’ that godforsaken road, and if Ennis’d let him, Jack probably would’ve told him the same thing twenty years ago on Brokeback.

Ennis brought them flowers to his face, felt his tears, healin’ tears, fallin’ into the colors, smelt the life that could be his, just maybe, if he was strong.

When he’d calmed somewhat, he found a beat up metal bowl, put some water in it, started gatherin’ up the flowers from where they’d fallen on the chair, the floor. Crouchin’ there, he saw one stalk of lupine, perfect, like the flower he’d watched when he’d offered himself to Jack in that meadow, offerin’ his body ta’ Jack as much for himself as for Jack. And Jack’d understood, ‘cause he’d always understood Ennis and known him better than he did himself.

One perfect blue stalk, hundreds of tiny blossoms, miracle the places it could live. Close to treeline up on Brokeback, down in the dusty Texas hills, and who knew where else? Ennis wouldn’t be surprised if that same flower, delicate lookin’, but hardy as anythin’, flourished up at Lightnin’ Flat as well.

Ennis placed the other flowers in the bowl, set it in the middle of his kitchen table, then felt his mouth quirk up it looked so funny surrounded by the shitty linoleum and beat-up crap in his kitchen. Just like Jack, makin’ him laugh after he’d made him cry.

Ennis picked up the lupine, went into the bedroom, crawled into his bed after all. Cursin’ himself for a sentimental fool, but figurin’ he was entitled, seein’ as how later today or tomorrow he’d be tellin’ his girls and then Alma he was movin’ to Lightnin’ Flat, Ennis cradled that stalk of blue in his hand, brought it to his face one more time to catch that mountain smell, then placed it next to him on the bed.

After some time, he let his eyelids close. Eyes shut, he still saw that flower, sight he’d never forget, and just before sleep came over him, he muttered under his breath, smile on his lips, “Sonofabitch, Jack fuckin’ Twist.”

 

 

Ennis woke drenched in sweat, face down, hands clutched in a pillow, body twisted in the goddamn sheets. Again. This was getting’ damn old, and that weren’t no lie. Heart was thumpin’ like he’d been chased by a bear, throat was tight, goddamn crusts of tear stains on his face. ‘Least there weren’t no come dryin’ on his thighs this time.

He turned onto his side, draggin’ the sheets with him, gatherin’ energy to get up. Froze in position. On the other pillow, startling against the white, the stalk of lupine, blue like the Brokeback sky, blue like eyes.

Ennis looked toward his one window, saw it was still day, though probably late afternoon by the slant of the light. No one else was there, so he reached out a hand, stroked gently at the delicate flowers. Soft as anything, but strong.

 

Ennis had read in Reader’s Digest in the dentist’s waitin’ room one time, dreams was windows into the soul, told you what you secretly wanted or feared or knew. The dreams was tellin’ him something, he knew it in his heart. He guessed he’d better goddamn figure out what, seein’ as how he was about to turn his life upside down.

He rolled out of bed, headin’ for the kitchen, turned back around and picked up that blue flower from his pillow, feelin’ a bit of a fool. Stuck it in an envelope he got from a bill, put it in his shirt pocket. Got to the kitchen, stopped in the doorway, mouth curvin’ up, looking at the bowl of goddamned flowers. Set the water on, found some molding bread and toasted it.

Sittin’ in his crapped up vinyl chair at his Sears table drinkin’ his coffee, Ennis forced himself to think about the nightmare as was doggin’ his nights. Shouldn’t the nightmares have stopped, now he was going to Lightning Flat, now he’d driven them many miles to Childress and had that time with Jack?

He couldn’t figure it out. Sittin’ there wasn’t doin’ no good, so he finished his coffee, pushed back and got in the truck to drive to Alma’s house. With any luck, this time of day, close on supper time, he could catch the girls and Alma home. If not, he could leave a note so’s they could meet up before he left town.

He made it almost to downtown Riverton before his heart started up beatin’ so fast he thought he couldn’t breathe. Sure enough, his throat was tight and he had to suck in air. He pulled the truck over to the side of the road, parked it in a spot with no people around.

The thought of tellin’ Alma and the girls where he was goin’ – worst thing he could think on. He’d be lucky if Alma just gave him that look she had, lucky if she didn’t just come out and call him queer in front of his own babies. She knew ‘bout Jack, somehow – put it all together from the no fish brought back, the back door in the bedroom, maybe even the look on Ennis’ own face that time she met Jack. Closest he’d ever come to hittin’ a woman that night years later in her kitchen, her callin’ Jack nasty.

Ennis’ chest heaved just thinkin’ on tellin’ Alma. He didn’t think he could do it, too humiliatin’ for words. And his daughters – their sweet faces, their lovin’ of their daddy – how could he do somethin’ that would risk all that?

Weren’t too many steps from sayin’ was goin’ to live on a friend’s place to endin’ up in a ditch like that Earl, either. Small towns like this and Lightning Flat, everyone knowin’ everyone’s business. He could see the stares now. Bad enough he’d never married again.

He slumped against the wheel of his car, shoulders forward, head on the wheel. He was a pathetic excuse for a man, but the fear was breakin’ him out in sweat, and his heart was hammerin’ worse than ever. His bowels felt loose and nausea nipped at his stomach.

Appeared it just weren’t gonna happen, ‘cause he sure wasn’t going to be able to move to Lightnin’ Flat and deal with everyone there if he couldn’t even deal with his own kin on this. Ennis felt despair crush him in a wave, wantin’ to be a different man, a stronger man, knowin’ he wasn’t, and couldn’t do the thing he wanted so much. Could break a man’s heart, knowin’ what was right, but lackin’ the spine to do it.

He straightened up to start the car and head back to the trailer, weight of defeat hard on his shoulders, heard a crinkling in his pocket. Time stopped for a minute, and he dug the envelope out of his shirt. Cracking it open, he looked at the lupine, still fragrant and blue. His eyes stung and the blue petals blurred, became a sea of that wild lupine color.

Against his will, an image from the dream painted itself across the blue: Jack, beaten and bloody, dying alone starin’ up at the blue of the sky. He felt a gasp ripped from deep inside him as it came to him like one of them revelations, fast and all in a piece. It was like they always said, fight fire with fire. He’d seen them wild forest fires, leapin’ from place to place, no water was goin’ to stop one of those. The only thing that stopped the big ones was fire, fire set on purpose to burn off the fuel in the path of the wildfire.

Maybe fear was like that too. What better to fight fear than fear?

In his nightmare, the Ennis who lived through gettin’ that postcard stamped “deceased” had reeled out good memories of Jack one by one, savorin’ them piece by piece, same as the real Ennis did all them lonely nights. After Jack had died, in his dream, memories was all he’d had left. And it had taken Jack dyin’ for Ennis to realize what it was he felt.

Ennis fingered the lupine again, feeling it springy and alive against his fingers. Maybe, just maybe, he needed to reel out pieces of the nightmare and play them on his mind’s screen whenever the fear tried to take hold of him.

If somebody looked at him funny, reel out a picture from his nightmare of himself livin’ alone, postcard for company, living only because some stubborn part of him refused to curl up and die.

If somebody laughed at him for bein’ with Jack, reel out a memory of them shirts, holdin’ each other in an embrace for eternity.

If somebody said fag to him, and his heart sped up and his breaths got heavy just thinkin’ on that, reel out the worst thing of all, Jack bitter, losing his last bit of caution, pissing off the wrong folks flaunting it all, Jack dyin’ alone, thought too horrible for his mind to stay on, worse thing he ever thought on.

Might not work, the fear was so deep, but it wouldn’t hurt to try. The lupine looked so pretty in that envelope, vibrant against the white. Maybe the flower was tryin’ to tell him somethin’ too. Somethin’ about if all else failed, if fear failed to fight fear, to think on what that bag of flowers meant. Like a postcard: From Jack, to Ennis.

Ennis started the truck, drove the last blocks to Alma’s house. Stomach was queasy, breaths a bit fast, but thinkin’ on that nightmare settled everything down so he could manage it. Fear was powerful, he ought to know that better than anyone, and maybe its power could help him for once.

Walkin’ up her steps, his heart started to pound, so he dredged up that nightmare image of findin’ those shirts in Jack’s closet. That was the saddest thing he’d ever seen, himself cradlin’ those shirts, proof Jack thought on him the same as Ennis thought on Jack. Knowin’ Jack had put them away in his closet, along with most of his hopes and dreams. Knowin’ he himself had made fun of Jack for his dreams, and weren’t nothin’ he could do about it anymore. Knowin’ the word for the thing he felt for Jack, word more powerful than anythin’ on earth, except death. Knowin’, lookin’ at those shirts like that, Jack’s snugged tight over his, that Jack had felt the same.

The fightin’ fire with fire sure seemed to be helpin’, ‘cause when Alma answered the door, he was only shakin’ a little.

“Ennis?”

“Alma. Okay time ta’ talk?”

Alma looked surprised, but stood aside to let him in. “Sure ‘nuf. You want I should call the girls?”

 

Ennis shook his head, took off his hat. “Just you n’ me for a minute, Alma, if that’s allright.”

Alma gestured with her hand and they sat in the living room, Ennis fingering his hat on his lap. Alma looked at him expectantly.

Ennis took a breath. Pictured Jack on the side of that road in his nightmare, to get his breathin’ back to something like normal. “Alma, thing is, I’m goin’ to be movin’ from Riverton.”

Alma face was shocked. “Ennis del Mar movin’? Where to?”

Ennis leaned forward, forced himself to look at her. “Alma, I’m gonna ask you to forgive me. Ain’t likely you can, ain’t likely you should.”

Alma was looking at him like some stranger had come to rest in her living room.

“Thing is, I did wrong by you.” Ennis swallowed, remembering the young Alma when they were first married. He examined the photos on the wall for a while. Alma sat silent, hands twisted in her lap. “Ain’t askin’ you to say it’s right, know you won’t.” He turned and looked at her again. “But I want you to know I know I did wrong, all them years ago, by the both of us.”

Her eyes were shiny, and his own eyes stung a little. She opened her mouth to speak, and he cut her off. “Before ya’ say anythin’, Alma, gonna tell ya’ where I’m goin’, and ya’ aren’t gonna be feelin’ too forgivin’ after that, if ya’ were before.” Ennis took a deep breath, then to fight the sick feelin’ in his stomach, thought about the lonely days and nights stretching until he died an old man in his dream. He pressed the rim of his hat hard between his fingers, said soft “I’m movin’ to Lightnin’ Flat, Alma. To Jack’s folks’ place. To work on their spread.”

Alma’s eyes narrowed. Her voice was a hiss. “I cain’t believe that even you would do somethin’ so bad as that. Right out in the open like that? Shames me ta’ even think on it.”

Ennis dropped his voice even lower. “He ain’t gonna be there, Alma, ‘least not at first. But I hope – I hope maybe one day he will come there, Alma, I won’t lie ta’ you.”

Alma pushed up, pacing the floor with furious steps.

Ennis called on whatever strength he had, pitched his voice just loud enough for her to hear. “Alma, I been lyin’ my whole life, ta’ myself and ta’ everyone else. The lyin’ didn’t seem to work to make people happy. I ended up hurtin’ the people I cared most about. Includin’ you.”

Alma’s pacing stopped, and she sat down across from him again, huffin’ out one of them misery sounds. Ennis waited, head down.

Alma said, like it was wrenched from someplace deep inside against her will, “Did you even try ta’ stop bein’ like that, Ennis? Did ya’ even try ta’ be true ta’ me?”

Ennis had to press his lips together hard to stop from cryin’ in front of Alma. She could probably see he had tears in his eyes, though, when he said, “I been tryin’ not to be what I am for twenty years, Alma. All it done –“ He had to look at the wall again. “All it done was mess up everyone’s life.” He looked back to her, saw she was fightin’ tears too. “I tried ta’ not be that way fer my whole life, and all it’s done is caused a world of hurt.”

He looked down at the hat in his hands, couldn’t look at her. He heard her sniff, then push out a breath. Her voice, when it finally came, was firm, but had a softness ‘round the edges he hadn’t heard in a while. “I ain’t lettin’ Francie come up there ta’ see you if he’s there, don’t even think ‘bout it till she’s eighteen. Then I guess I don’t got nothin’ ta’ say about it.”

Ennis sighed out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. “Wouldn’t expect ya’ to.”

Her voice sharpened. “Don’t want him with you if you come here to visit the girls.”

“’Course not.”

“Don’t want you tellin’ the girls ‘bout yourself, neither. No call for that, sounds like you don’t even know what’s what up there in Lightnin’ Flat.”

Ennis thought for a minute. Not tellin’ the girls the whole of it would be a relief, and that weren’t a lie. Was that too easy?

“Ain’t no call for it now, Ennis, seein’ as how it sounds like you ain’t sure how it’s gonna come out. They don’t need to know their daddy’s a - .” Alma bit off her sentence, pursed her mouth tight.

Ennis’ stomach churned, and he couldn’t look at her. “Allright. Maybe they can come up, though, in the summer. Mrs. Twist, she’s real kind, wants the girls to visit. We can wait and see though. Jack’s in Texas where he’s always been, ain’t likely ta’ be comin’ ta’ Wyomin’ any time soon. Maybe never.”

Alma was quiet, and Ennis realized he’d probably said too much. He cleared his throat. “Figured I’d drive down here every month, see the girls, just like always. I can probably stay with Don. Maybe I can take ‘em up there for a while in summers if I stay. They can ride horses, swim in the creek, stuff like that.”

Alma looked hard at him, said, “we’ll see.”

Ennis just nodded. Alma got up, went to the stairs, called the girls. They took it well, considerin’, but it ‘bout killed him to say he’d be at least an eight hour drive away. The way he said it, though, he made sure they knew he’d drive that distance any time they needed, would do it regardless every month to keep their monthly dates. Alma looked severe, but he told them anyway ‘bout how they might be able to come up to spend time with him in the summer, ridin’ horses and helpin’ with ranch work, if they wanted.

Junior walked him to the truck. He got in, and she leaned into the window. “Daddy?”

"Yeah?”

“You happy ‘bout this? “

“Well, I ain’t happy ‘bout bein’ further away, Junior. But yeah, think it’s a chance fer me to take on a real project. Runnin’ a spread like that, could be real satisfyin’.”

“Yer friend gonna be there?”

Ennis throat closed. He’d told the girls he was going to the ranch owned by a friend’s parents, the Twists. Did Junior know somethin’ about him more than the little he’d told and that she remembered? Her eyes were guileless, beautiful as always. Ennis cleared his throat. “No, honey, just his parents.”

Junior frowned. “Just don’t want you gettin’ too lonely, Daddy.”

Ennis smiled, warm feelin’ in his chest. “Only people I’ll be lonely for is you girls.” Lyin’ through his teeth like that hurt, but it was a white lie, not the bad kind like he’d been tellin’ forever.

Junior smiled. “I don’ care what momma says. If we’re welcome, me n’ Francie will come up soon as school’s over. I don’t think my job’s gonna start for a couple weeks after school’s out anyway.”

“I’ll come get you. I’ll call soon as I get there, tell you the best way to get hold o’ me.”

“Sure ‘nuf. Daddy? “

“Yeah, honey?”

“I remember Mr. Twist. He seemed nice. Real nice.”

Junior’s eyes were still guileless, but Ennis’ heart felt a little squeezed. “Maybe you can meet him again sometime, Junior, though he ain’t plannin’ on bein’ there that I know of. Livin’ in Texas.”

“Well, I’d like ta’ meet him again, Daddy. Any time.” Junior smiled a smile that reached her eyes. “Think it’s good ya’ got a friend. Yer too lonesome most o’ the time.”

Ennis patted her hand, cranked the engine, fighting tears again, damnit, said, “thank you, darlin’, I’ll call you soon,” and drove off to the trailer park before he was weak in front of his girl.

The rest of his day and the one after that went by in a blur of busy. Next he knew, he was standin’ in front of that trailer, all his earthly possessions loaded into the bed of the pickup, not that they even filled it up halfway. He put the key to the door under the mat like the landlady said, turned to look at what he’d called home one last time. Pretty pathetic if he thought about it. He tossed the envelope from Jack’s bank on the passenger seat of the truck, still unopened, just hadn’t wanted to look till he knew he was really doin’ this.

Last stop was gettin’ his horses from the stable, loadin’ ‘em into the trailer and squarin’ up, task as took but a few minutes. He wasn’t happy ‘bout the look of Cigar’s right hind leg, not happy at all, but the stable folks said nothin’ had happened during the time Ennis was gone, and he figured the trip in the trailer wouldn’t hurt it any worse.

He'd thought on seein’ the girls again, but decided it would only upset them, seein’ as how he only saw them regular once a month at best. That was pathetic too, now he thought on it, but all he could do now was look forward. Seemed unlikely, but maybe this move could turn out good for him and them.

Still, passin’ the Riverton limits sign near tore the heart out of him, thinkin’ on the girls back there, daughters of his heart, his sweet babies who brightened his life. Drivin’ east and a bit north, he passed an awful lot of country, plenty of long hard miles under the truck’s worn tires before he could see the Sundance Mountains far off ahead in the distance and knew it was time to head due north for the state line and Lightning Flat.

He’d only stopped twice on the whole drive, so by the time he came into Lightning Flat, his vision was swimming. Made Riverton seem like New York City or somethin’, Lightnin’ Flat proper consistin’ of two rural roads intersectin’, with what looked like a store with one gas pump, a bar and restaurant the only commercial establishments he could see.

Dusk was hittin’, so there was no time for checkin’ the town out. Followin’ Jack’s directions, scrawled on a piece of paper he dug out from the glove compartment, Ennis managed to find the long drive up to the Twist’s place, and finally pulled into a large gravel area in front of a tidy but beaten-down whitewashed farmhouse. It weren’t quite so forlorn as the place he’d seen in his dream, flowers growin’ in pots out front, but it did have a neglected feel. He saw a barn off to one side, and what looked not much better than a shack beyond that, guessed it was probably that bunkhouse Jack had mentioned.

Ennis had bought a newspaper earlier in the day, and his eyes lit on the date. May 24. Not even ten days since he’d woke from that nightmare. He’d covered a few thousand miles, said more words than he’d ever said in his life, and was sittin’ in his truck outside the house of people he’d never met, ready to start a new life. He felt like someone caught up in one of them Twilight Zone shows that he used to watch with the girls.

Ennis reached his hand up to pat on his pocket, hearin’ the envelope crinkle. He took in a big breath and leveraged himself out of the truck. A woman as could only be Mrs. Twist came out the door, smilin’.

The real Mrs. Twist was older than the dream one, shriveled already on herself, hair grey and in a bun. But her eyes sparkled, blue and deep like Jack’s when he was happy.

Ennis loped up to the front porch, taking off his hat, shook her extended hand. “Pleased to meet you, ma’am. Ennis del Mar.”

Her smile got even bigger. “I’ve been hopin’ to meet you for a long time, Ennis. May I call you Ennis?”

“Honored, ma’am.”

“Now none of that ma’m stuff, Ennis. Call me Ma, everbody does. Or –“ her eyes got softer – “maybe that’s not right for you, seein’ as how –“. Unexpectedly, Ennis’ heart grew warm, thinkin’ on the momma he’d lost those many years ago, and Mrs. Twist knowin’ ‘bout that. Must have been Jack told her, evidence he talked ‘bout Ennis sometimes here. Mrs. Twist seemed to know exactly what he felt, ‘cause she smiled again, said, “Maybe you should call me Evelyn. That’d be nice.”

“I can try, ma’am.” She looked at him hard. “Evelyn. Don’t seem right.”  
“Well, you’re a nice boy, brought up polite and respectful. But it’ll make me feel best if you call me that.” She nodded. “Come on in, I’ve got supper.”  
“Now ma’am, you don’t need to feed me, I can just set up to campin’ up on that land Jack mentioned.”

Mrs. Twist – Evelyn – quirked her eyebrow at him in a way that hit Ennis familiar. “Ennis del Mar, ain’t no friend of my Jack’s gonna eat cold beans his first night at our home. Nor sleep in some tent neither.” She turned and held the door open for him. “There’s plenty of time for that later.”

“Yes, ma’am. Evelyn. I’m gonna have to see to the horses soon though.”

Mrs. Twist glanced at his trailer, smiled. “Shoulda thought of that. Will they be all right for a few minutes? You could eat, then John can show you the barn set-up.”

“Sounds fine.”

The Twists’ place was spare, but had a woman’s touch: there was flowers in a vase on a small dining room table, a few photos in frames on the wall.

Ennis went to go wash up where he was told, then sat waitin’ at the table as he was told to do when he found Mrs. Twist – Evelyn – in the kitchen and offered to help. She had smiled an approvin’ smile, but said, “Just sit for a minute, Ennis, you’ve had a long day.”

Ennis fastened on two of the photos right off. One had to be Jack, around six or seven, dressed up in some rodeo type fancy shirt and hat, gap-toothed grin splittin’ his face. You could tell from the picture that boy had high spirits, no question of that.

The other ripped Ennis’ heart right out of his chest. Jack, probably a couple years after Brokeback, taken when he got married, could tell ‘cause of the fancy jacket he had on. Those eyes, a little sad lookin’ even then, but still full o’ hope, that little quirked eyebrow, that beautiful mouth. So much like the Jack he met in front of Aguirre’s shit trailer, that Jack as entertained Ennis till he got a smile from him, as bewitched that lonely orphan boy as had never seen anythin’ so beautiful in his life.

Ennis cleared his throat and looked away, not believin’ he was thinkin’ on a man as beautiful, remembering that summer like it was yesterday. Like gettin’ hit by a bolt o’ lightnin’ out o’ the clear blue sky. What was it Jack had said just the other night? Said it’d felt like hundreds of gushin’ rivers when he met Ennis. Ennis felt a flush rise to his cheeks thinkin’ on that moment, Jack tellin’ him the feelins’ inside him back then.

Too bad you couldn’t go back, knowin’ what you’d know later. Ennis had been too overwhelmed to know what he was feelin’ at the time, but now he saw it pretty clear. But would it have made any difference, anyway? Probably not, the world bein’ what it was, and Ennis bein’ who he was.

The back door into the kitchen slammed, and Ennis heard a man’s voice talkin’ low to Mrs. Twist. Sure ‘nuf, Mr. Twist came stridin’ in the next minute, followed on his heels by Mrs. Twist. Evelyn. Ennis bolted up from his chair, and Mr. Twist nodded brusquely, said “Del Mar,” sat at the table. Ennis just stood in place a second, and Mr. Twist growled out, “no need ta’ stand.” Ennis pulled his chair into the table, and Evelyn started dishin’ out the food she’d brought.

Mr. Twist Senior looked different than the version in Ennis’ dream, too. Like Mrs. Twist, more shriveled, hair white. His body was still laced with powerful muscle, though: you could see he was a workin’ man used to hard labor.

Ennis cleared his throat. “Quite a spread ya’ got here, sir.”

Mr. Twist grunted. “Lots of acres. Lazy ass workers.”

“John.” Mrs. Twist’s voice was mild.

Ennis swallowed some potatoes. “I’ll be lookin’ forward to seein’ the place.”

Mr. Twist nodded. “Tomorrow we’ll look around. You got horses?”

“Yessir. Worried about Cigar, actually. Right rear leg seemed kinda lame when I got him from the stable this mornin’. I’d – been away a few days.”

Mr. Twist grunted. “Nobody cares fer horses or anythin’ else the way they used to, that’s fer sure.” He took a large hunk of the roast, passed the plate. “Tell you what, we’ll see how he’s doin’. If we need to we can call the vet to come tomorrow.”

“I appreciate it, sir.”

Mr. Twist didn’t say nothin’ more as he tucked in to the meal, but Mrs. Twist asked Ennis a bunch of questions ‘bout his girls and Riverton. The roast was delicious. Funny thing was, Mrs. Twist had stuck out a plate of cookies on that table along with the potatoes and brussel sprouts.

Ennis, too polite to say nothin’, probably stared a bit. Jack’s mama passed him the plate. “No rule written in the Good Book says you have ta’ eat dessert at the end.” Ennis took a cookie, startled, set it next to his brussel sprouts. Mrs. Twist grinned, and Ennis had to look away a minute, her smile lit up the room so Jack-like.

“So ya’ seen Jack just now.” Mr. Twist’s voice came sudden.

Ennis cleared his throat. Made sense Jack’s folks would know he went to Childress. “Uh. Yes, sir.”

Mr. Twist grunted.

Ennis felt something more needed to be said. “I hit a rough spot. Appreciate the offer ta’ come here. You let me know if ya’ want me to go, and I’ll go.” He shot a glance specific to Mr. Twist.

Mrs. Twist sat up tall. “Now none of that talk, Ennis. We’re glad to have you here. Gets mighty lonesome here. Jack only gets up to visit a couple of times a year. We’re pleased as punch to have you joinin’ us. Hope you stay for good.” She smiled a warm smile at him, passed him the plate of cookies. “Have another cookie. I miss cookin’ for my boy, so you gotta eat for him.”

“Weren’t like Jack gave us much choice, now was it?” Mr. Twist had a funny look in his eyes. “Seein’ as how this is pretty much his place now ‘cause of the money.”

“John! Ennis is our guest.” Mrs. Twist wasn’t smiling.

Ennis cleared his throat. “It’s allright, ma’am.” He turned to face Mr. Twist. “I ain’t aimin’ to do nothin’ but help out any way I can. Ain’t no words I can say to prove that, so time’ll tell if you think I done it.”

Mr. Twist’s mouth curled up a little. He nodded. “Least the boy’s got sense, Evelyn. More than some I could name.” He stood up sudden. “Well, let’s see to the horses.”

Ennis started clearing plates, but Mrs. Twist motioned him away. “Go with John. He’ll show you what’s what.”

Ennis pulled the trailer where Mr. Twist showed him, and brought the horses out. Cigar was favorin’ that leg now, certain. It felt hot and swollen. Jack’s daddy felt it, too, said, “I’ll call the vet. She’ll come tomorrow.”  
Ennis raised his eyebrows.

Mr. Twist spat on the ground. “Vet’s a goddamned gal. Only one in fifty miles, no choice. She’s better’n I expected, though.”

Ennis toured the barn with Mr. Twist, then got the horses settled for the night. Whiskey seemed in good shape, but he was real worried ‘bout Cigar.  
After the horses was taken care of, he grabbed the envelope and his bag out of the truck, came inside. Evelyn directed him upstairs to Jack’s old room. Climbin’ those stairs, a feelin’ of dread hit Ennis real hard, remembrin’ his nightmare and seein’ Jack’s room after he was gone.

His real room wasn’t much different than that nightmare room, except it wasn’t as barren, Mrs. Twist havin’ placed a nice red rug on the floor, a matchin’ spread on the little twin bed, and sure enough, a few rodeo type knick knacks on some shelves.

Ennis’ heart felt a little full sittin’ on that childhood bed of Jack’s, starin’ out that window Jack musta stared out a million times.

After he went to the bathroom and cleaned up, Ennis felt through his bag and pulled out the grocery bag, tucked in tight near the bottom, and Jack’s shirt, the one he’d taken from him, the one he’d had on in that Texas meadow. He stuck them, along with the envelope, on the red cover of that bed, took in a breath.

He’d never had no tokens of Jack, never in all those years, and now he had three, and he was sittin’ on Jack’s own bed in his own folks’ house. He didn’t know what the hell he felt.

Ennis took a deep breath, opened the envelope. Some dollars, a check, and a little note fell out. Lots of dollars, close on five hundred. The check – goddamn. The check was for thirty thousand dollars, made out to Ennis del Mar. More money than Ennis could even think on. The note – Ennis had to breathe for a minute. The note, in Jack’s school printing. “Friend knowing you you won’t open this unless you do this thing. If your doing this, take this for fixing the ranch and building a house. Don’t be an asshole about the money. Build the fucking house. I want” – only the “ I want” was hastily scratched out. “Jack.”

Ennis put his hand over his eyes for a minute. He’d been so busy, he hadn’t had time to really feel his missin’ of Jack, but now he did, hard and tight in his chest. Their time together – like all their times together – so strong. But this time so different, the talkin’ from their hearts, even the fightin’, ‘cause it was ‘bout things that was real.

Ennis pulled Jack’s shirt to his face, took in the smell of sweet meadow grass, sweat and sex. Couldn’t no one mistake it for the smell of anythin’ but a man, neither.

An embarrassment of riches, all these tokens of Jack. He looked at the paper sack, decided not to even open it tonight, put it back in his bag, along with Jack’s shirt. It was all too much. Too much Jack and not enough. He took the note, read it again, fingering the writing there, then took out the envelope from his shirt pocket with that blue flower in it, folded the note and put it next to the flower, closed the envelope and put it in the pocket of the shirt he’d wear tomorrow at dawn.

He crawled under the covers and thought about the note. What did Jack want? What was he going to write and then scratched out? His heart felt full at any of the things he thought Jack might’ve meant to write – that he wanted it to work, that he wanted Ennis to do it, that he wanted Ennis.

Ennis woke up before the sun cracked the horizon, put on his clean shirt, envelope cracklin’ a little in the pocket, went downstairs. Mrs. Twist had on a housecoat but already had coffee and eggs and toast waitin’. Mr. Twist just nodded, but Evelyn fed him till he could hardly move. Mr. Twist suddenly spoke up out of nowhere, “So you’ve known Jack for twenty years.”

Ennis nodded. “That’s right.”

“Jack never had no interest in fishin’ before he knew you.” Ennis couldn’t raise his eyes to look at him, swallowed a mouthful of coffee. “Never had no interest in none of them things.”

Ennis sat quiet.

Mr. Twist made a noise in his throat. “Jack never was much of a man, you ask me.”

Evelyn breathed out. “John, not now.”

“Sounds like he cain’t even keep that wife of his happy. Always talkin’ on how he might move back ta’ Wyoming. ‘Course, never happens, like all his fine plans.”

Ennis brought his hand up slow to just finger his shirt pocket. “Jack might be more a man than you know, sir.”

Mr. Twist looked at him hard, shoved back his chair. “Well, let’s get to it.”

They spent the morning driving around the acreage, a mighty large acreage, though most of it was goin’ to waste. There was cattle, some land planted for grain, but most of it was lyin’ unused. The “upper forty” was on a bit of a bluff, with a fine view out to distant mountains. Looked fertile enough, the weeds bein’ any indication. A creek ran through the upper land, then down near the Twist’s house. Mr. Twist just said, “Jack says you’re thinkin’ on buildin’ a place. No skin off my nose.”

They came back for lunch, and then the vet arrived. Ennis having never met a lady vet had no idea what to expect, but she looked normal enough, tall brown haired woman near his age, weathered and muscled, short hair, but friendly enough. Lisa Cohen. Knew what she was doin’, too, feelin’ Cigar’s leg real careful, checkin’ him all over, heart and mouth too. “You were right to call, Ennis. I can call you Ennis?”

“Sure thing.”

“Right. He’s got an infection in there, why I don’t know. I think we can just treat it, see what happens. But if it doesn’t clear up right away, I’ll want to bring him in for tests. Let me see if I’ve got what we need in my truck.”

Lisa rustled around in her shiny pickup, came back empty-handed. “Damn. Can’t believe I did that. Can you come to town this afternoon, to my office? I’ll give you a sample I’ve got to get him started, but you’ll have to swing by to get the rest of the antibiotic. Here.”

Lisa handed him a card, fancy printin’ on it, with an address in Lightning Flat. “My office is on the main floor of our house.”

Ennis looked at her. “Can I ask you somethin’, ma’am?”

“Not if you call me ma’am.” She smiled, held up a hand. “Or Miss Cohen.”

“Lisa then. Can I ask you where you’re from? You don’t talk like most people ‘round here.”

“Sure. Everyone asks the first time they meet me. I grew up in Oregon.”

Ennis nodded. “You ever see the ocean?”

“I could hardly help it growing up there, though I lived in the valley. You ever been? To the coast?”

Ennis shook his head. “That’s why I asked. Always wanted ta’ see it.”

Lisa smiled. “Well then you should do it. I’ll tell you the best places. That is, if you’re still here after a few days.” Lisa looked around, saw no sign of nobody else. She lowered her voice. “Most hands don’t last too long here.”

Ennis nodded, looked off to the distance. “Well, I’m hopin’ to be here for the duration.” His hand brushed his shirt pocket. “I’m friends with Jack, the Twists’ son.”

“Oh? Glad to hear it. I’ve never met him. My roommate knew him though.”

“Your roommate?”

“Yeah. Bonnie. She grew up around here.” Lisa looked at her watch. “Well, I’ve got to head out. Come by this afternoon.”

“Sure ‘nuf.”

Lisa expertly turned her truck on a dime and peeled out of the Twist’s drive.

Ennis gave Cigar his medicine, then spent the afternoon acquainting himself with the hands and the work around the place. Mr. Twist had introduced him that morning to Joe and Early, two of the sorriest old guys Ennis had ever seen. After lunch, he met Charlie, the only other hand right now, a young guy with Jack’s coloring, though his eyes were a sort of green color.

Charlie at least seemed eager, willin’ to set to with vigor on whatever task needed doin’. His build helped, too, Charlie bein’ long and lean and full of young strong muscle. Loadin’ some hay into a truck that afternoon, it’d gotten mighty warm, warnin’ of summer comin’ on, and Charlie’d stripped off his shirt. You could tell he wasn’t soft, good strong arms and back.

Really, it was overwhelmin’ thinkin’ on the work and plannin’ to get this acreage runnin’ even close to right. Ennis felt a need he’d never felt before for a pencil and paper to try to set it all down, figure out the order o’ business. Everything depended on everything else, so ya’ hardly knew where to start. Then there was the matter of the money. What would make the most sense to use it on? What would be the best bets for makin’ this place successful? ‘Cause while Ennis weren’t no genius, he could see it was barely hangin’ on by the skin of its teeth.

He checked in with Evelyn, asked if she needed anythin’ from town. Told her he’d move out to the tent when he came back, but she put her foot down, said no way and he didn’t feel like fightin’ it tonight.

He drove the few miles to what passed as downtown, and found a nice little house with the vet’s address on it right there on the main drag. Not that there was much more to the town than that. A shingle out front had her name plus those initials after it as meant she’d gone to a lot of school. He parked the truck and walked up the path. Sign on the door said come on in so he did, noticing as he went in how perfectly that door was hung. There was a little office inside, with a few chairs around the walls, nice molding around the top of the wall. A bell had rung on the door when it opened, and he heard Lisa’s voice from out in the back. “I’ll be right out.”

Sure enough, she appeared, this time with one o’ them white coats on. “Ennis. Good. I’ll get the antibiotic. Any change?”

“None I can see. Took the medicine fine.”

Lisa rustled around in back again, gave him the medicine and the instructions.

Ennis looked around at the snug office. “Nice place.”

“Isn’t it? Bonnie built it.”

Ennis looked at Lisa for a few seconds. “Your roommate – built – it? The house?”

Lisa straightened up from where she was fillin’ in a paper. “Yeah. Where are you from, Ennis, anyway? This is 1983 you know. Didn’t you get the memo? Women can be whatever they want to be.”

Ennis felt himself blushin’, stared at his feet. “Sorry. I just never -.”

Lisa appeared to took pity on him, laughed a little. “Look, you’re not the only one who’s kinda shocked at first. But they sort of get used to it. Or they don’t – I don’t care long as they leave me alone. Bonnie’s got a thinner skin, but she’s a really good carpenter, and can build great stuff, so people hire her all the time.”

Ennis looked through the door at the next room. Looked like a cozy living room, beautiful fireplace with a mantle and all. “I might be buildin’ a house. You think she’d be interested?”

“Why don’t you ask her yourself.” Lisa walked to the open door, yelled “Bonnie?”

A petite gal with blonde hair, kinda long but pulled back into some tail or somethin’, appeared in the doorway. She was pretty enough, though ‘round her eyes showed she was similar age to Ennis. “Hi.”

“Bonnie, meet Ennis del Mar. Friend of Jack Twist’s.”

Bonnie’s lips quirked. “You know Jack?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Ma’am?” Bonnie shot a look to Lisa.

“He’s been livin’ – where’ve you been living, Ennis?”

“In Riverton.” Ennis was getting’ a bit offended.

Bonnie smiled. “Now don’t you take no offense, Ennis. We just get goin’ sometimes. I knew Jack, long time ago. How long ya’ known him?”

Ennis swallowed. “Twenty years.”

“Wow. How’s he doin’?”

“Real well.” Ennis cleared his throat. “Married. Down in Texas, got a boy.”

“Huh.” Bonnie looked off at the wall. “Funny. He was always full o’ such dreams. Thought he mighta done somethin’ different.”

Ennis felt his heart twist a little.

Bonnie spoke again. “So, were you interested in some carpentry?”

Ennis found his voice. “Actually. Actually wonderin’ if you might look at a project. Buildin’ a house on the upper forty of the Twist land. Fer me.”

Bonnie nodded. “Sure can look at it with you, talk about what you’d have in mind. Gotta tell ya’, Ennis, I’ve only seen through the buildin’ of – maybe four – houses.”

Lisa said “five.”

Bonnie nodded. “Right.”

Ennis nodded too, said, “I imagine it’s the quality of the job ya’ do, not how many times ya’ done it, that matters.”

“Ain’t that the truth.” Bonnie smiled.

They arranged for Bonnie to come up to the Twists’ the next day. Was only as Ennis was drivin’ that rutted road up to the house that he started worryin’ again ‘bout payin’ for the buildin’ of it, him bein’ so momentarily wrapped up in visions of a snug place all his own. Couldn’t even let himself consider the vision that wanted to come into his head, a snug place not his own, snug place shared with someone.

He remembered the note from Jack, sayin’ build a house, but it went against his pride somethin’ awful to take another man’s money, even Jack’s, or maybe especially Jack’s.

Bonnie came the next day at mid-day. Mr. Twist harrumphed a little, but she got him talkin’ ‘bout drainage and wind stress and all kinds o’ stuff, and next thing Ennis knew, he was talkin’ ‘bout how addin’ a house would add to the value of the property, and maybe he’d finance it himself.

Ennis fingered that envelope in his pocket surreptitious-like, took a breath. “Mr. Twist, sir, this house is somethin’ Jack particular wanted me to build out o’ his money.”

Mr. Twist got a pinched look on his face. “Why in hell would Jack want anythin’ to do with the house?”

“Well sir, Jack n’me, we’ve been friends a long time. Seein’ as I’m divorced, if he and his wife cain’t work it out, he might end up here.”

“In that house? He’s our son. What the hell kind of a thing is that?” Mr. Twist spat in the dirt.

“Well, it’d be up to him. But he mentioned somethin’ to that effect ta’ me. I don’t want to be buildin’ on no false pretenses.” ‘Course, Ennis thought, there was one huge false pretense that he was engagin’ in, but he wasn’t goin’ ta’ come out and say ta’ this man here and now what he wanted to be doin’ with his son, now was he? There was bein’ strong, and then there was bein’ crazy.

Twist scrunched up his face, looked at the sky. “You’re right, he’s a grown man. Or should be.” He turned and walked away.

Over the next few days, Ennis and Bonnie met a number of times, him gettin’ more impressed each time. He had this idea ‘bout could they build a little bit first, but build it so it was easy to add parts on, should the need arise. Had an idea he could work on the physical labor parts to save money. She thought yes to all of it, but started talkin’ ‘bout ‘bearin’ walls and all kinds of technical stuff he couldn’t follow. Fine by him, since his days was getting’ fuller and fuller, tryin’ to get a handle on the ranch. ‘Cause ranch it was, large and spread out, so big there was different kinds of soil in different parts, so big he discovered a whole herd o’cattle he didn’t know even existed on his sixth day there, Jack’s daddy not exactly bein’ a font of information.

He was havin’ trouble with the hands, too, Joe and Early that is. Twist was right, they were lazy sons of bitches. He’d caught ‘em more than once drinkin’ durin’ workin’ hours, and their idea of takin’ care of stock was a joke. Charlie he had more hope for. Seemed lackin’ in knowledge, but willin’ to learn. He’d taken to followin’ Ennis around most days, and it was sure handy to have someone around so willin’ to take anythin’ on. Appeared Charlie growed up nearby, but the family needed money, so here he was. Charlie seemed interested in Ennis’ teachins’ ‘bout crops and stock, and had some potential. ‘Course Ennis didn’t let on to Charlie he thought he was a good worker.

Ennis had been in Lightning Flat a week when the phone rang while Mrs. Twist was making dinner. Ennis was in the kitchen helping her cut up carrots. Mr. Twist was still out somewhere on the acreage. Evelyn answered the phone, said “Jack!” The knife slipped and cut Ennis’ finger, and, cursing under his breath, he rinsed it off in the sink. He missed part of the conversation ‘cause of his finger. When he started payin’ attention again, he saw that Evelyn had a huge smile and the happiest voice he’d ever heard her use.

“Yes, he’s been here a week. Jack? Jack?” Evelyn held the phone out, shook it a little, brought it back to her ear. “Jack, you there?” Jack musta started talkin’ again, ‘cause Evelyn said, “Sure, he’s standin’ right here.” She handed the phone to Ennis. “He wants ta’ talk ta’ you.”

Ennis took the phone with the hand that wasn’t bleedin’, brought it slow to his ear. “Hello?” His voice cracked a little. Evelyn glanced at him, whispered, “I remembered some laundry – I’ll be back in a bit.”

Jack’s voice came on the other end, hoarse. “Sonofabitch.”

Ennis felt a grin crack his face, though his eyes felt a little sting. Seems he’d managed to surprise Jack.

“Ennis?”

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“Jesus H., Ennis, why didn’t you tell me? Sonofabitch.”

“Figured you’d find out when ya’ found out.”

“Asshole. You are the most exasperatin’ –“ Jack’s voice petered out. “I cain’t believe ya’ did it, Ennis. I just cain’t believe it.” His voice was pitched low.

“Well, believe it. I had a little help, too.”

“Help?”

Ennis considered, decided to be brave. “Somethin’ in a grocery sack I found in my bag. Wonder how that got there.”

There was silence on the line. Finally Jack’s voice came, a little choked up. “Jesus, Ennis, I was hopin’, but I was cursin’ myself fer hopin’ again, ‘cause I just knew - .” There was silence again. “Damn.”

Warmth bloomed hard in Ennis’ chest. He lowered his voice. “Listen, bud, I’m here. I mighta found a way ta’ -. It ain’t easy, but I’m figurin’ out some stuff. I’m here.”

“Yeah. Okay. I just didn’t really think -. I ain’t thought - .”

Mrs. Twist’s humming preceeded her into the kitchen. “Yer Ma’s back, Jack.” Ennis searched for words to say what he wanted. “That’s all fine, Jack. I’m here.” He heard Jack breathin’ hard on the other end of the line. Ennis pitched his voice just right. “I’m workin’ on plans fer a house.”

Ennis heard a gasp on the other end of the phone. “I’m gonna put you on with your Ma again. She misses you when you’re not here.”

Ennis handed the phone to Evelyn before Jack could say no more, started carrying dishes of food out to the dining table. He had to bite his lip to keep his emotions from getting’ into his eyes, bite down hard.

When Mrs. Twist came to the table, she said soft, “Jack says to tell you don’t be stupid ‘bout the money. He wants you to build a nice house, not some” – Mrs. Twist’s eyebrows rose in disapproval “not some piece of -.” She sniffed. “Well anyway, he wants you to build a beauty of a house, told me specific to make sure you did. Says it’ll only add to our property value.” She looked into Ennis’ eyes, smiled big. “And he’s right.”

Ennis laughed, an actual laugh from his belly, and Mrs. Twist’s mouth turned up at the corners. “Nice to see my boy’s got such a nice friend, Ennis. Nice to see.”

She’d left the room before Ennis could respond over the lump in his throat, and Mr. Twist arrivin’ for dinner kinda broke up the mood they’d had goin’. Still, it was a happy dinner that night.

Ennis’ days were stretchin’ longer and longer now, hard work from sunup till long past sundown. Bonnie came out a few times, and Ennis told himself over and over to “not be an asshole,” so he started seein’ a nice little house bloomin’ on her papers. Nothin’ fancy, but he wasn’t countin’ the pennies. The foundation guys came once they had a good workin’ plan, dug a hole as looked pretty deep to Ennis, but Bonnie knew what she was doin’.

Ennis went to town to use the pay phone to call the girls and they decided he’d call them every Sunday after their church. They sounded happy, and Junior was all atwitter ‘bout graduatin’ and the prom comin’ up.

Ennis thought Jack might call again after a week or two, but if he did, he never knew it.

It’d been three weeks since he’d arrived in Lightning Flat, ‘bout two weeks after Jack’s phone call, when Bonnie asked him one Friday would he like to come for dinner. He looked at his shoes. She laughed a little laugh, tossin’ that blond tail of hers back. “Lisa’s gonna cook some specialty of hers I’ll bet you’ve never had,” a nice way for her to indicate it would be the both of them, ‘cause he wasn’t gonna get back into any messes with women never again. Though Bonnie was pretty enough, he liked her just fine as a friend. And that’s what she, and Lisa, were becoming, he thought to his own internal amazement, drivin’ down to their house that night. He’d gotten to know Lisa a bit more when she’d done a follow-up visit on Cigar. She was a no-nonsense kind of a gal, not some spoiled city thing as couldn’t get her hands dirty like you might expect. He’d never had no women friends before.

Since both of them were there, wasn’t awkward at all. Lisa cooked some soup thing he’d never heard of before, sayin’ it had “mazza balls” in it, and he near choked hearin’ her say balls like that, but of course she was a vet, so she was hardened to stuff like that and of course he knew it wasn’t any kind of real balls. Turned out they was a type of dough thing, nice and fillin’.

When he made a compliment to her on the dish, she chuckled, said, “one of my favorite parts of my heritage.”

Ennis stared at her.

Bonnie said, “Lisa’s Jewish.”

“You’re Jewish?”

Lisa smiled. “That’s right.”

“Ain’t met no Jewish person ‘afore. Least that I’m aware of.”

“Well, there’s got to be at least one in every state, doesn’t there? Even Wyoming. Does it bother you?”

“Nah. Ain’t never put too much stock in religion.”

“Don’t tell that to Bonnie. Her Dad’s a minister.”

“A minister? Of a church?”

Bonnie put in, “feel free to talk ‘bout me while I’m sittin’ right here.”

Lisa ignored her, went on. “Yeah. Of a church. Nice folks though. Not the fire and brimstone crowd.”

Ennis’ head went up. “Didn’t know there was much other kind.”

Lisa nodded, said, “They seem to feel Jesus meant it when he said love one another. Blessed are the peacemakers. Stuff like that. They aren’t into prosyletizing.” Ennis stared at her.

Bonnie said, “converting people ta’ what they believe.”

Ennis nodded, understanding now. He looked at Lisa. “So you don’t believe in Jesus, that’s it?”

“I believe he existed. I think he was a very wise man. Maybe a prophet. Just not the Messiah.”

“Sounds fine by me.” Ennis blushed. “Not that it’s any of my business.”

“It’s okay, Ennis. Now tell us about your kids.”

And he had, surprisin’ himself by talkin’ ‘bout the girls and what they liked and what he’d done with them when they were little. After a bit, he’d said, “So neither of you ever got married, had kids?”

Bonnie said, “well, I did. Didn’t last. The marriage. Kids, well-” Bonnie smiled a smile as looked kinda sad. “That’s a story for another day.” Ennis nodded, recognizing the look of not wantin’ to talk ‘bout somethin’ right then, familiar thing for him, checked his watch and headed home after a little more chitchat.

 

Next morning, phone rang early, real early, while Ennis was eatin’ hotcakes with syrup. Mr. Twist was gone somewhere, and Ennis heard Evelyn in the kitchen. Ennis had to admit his stomach had clenched and heart started racin’ when he heard that phone ring, silly thing to have happen, like some schoolgirl.

Sure enough, it was Jack, and he wanted to talk to Ennis. Evelyn remembered she needed to water her flowers.

“Jack.” Ennis winced. His voice sounded kinda breathy.

“Ennis. You’re still there.”

“I’m here.”

“Oh Jesus, Ennis, I cain’t fuckin’ believe this. Now what the hell am I supposed ta’ do?”

Ennis was quiet for a bit.

“Okay, listen, bud, I gotta think ‘bout this. You really stayin’?”

“Looks like.”

“Ennis.” Jack lowered his voice. “I got a bunch of shit happenin’ down here, don’t know what ta’ do, I-“ Ennis heard a woman’s voice in the background, Jack yellin’ back ta’ Lureen.

Ennis took a breath. “Listen, Jack, take some time. Been twenty years, we need time ta’ think on it.”

Jack was quiet, then he said, voice low as anythin’, “thank you, cowboy.”

Ennis heart squeezed.

Jack said, “ya’ cain’t imagine how this makes me -.”

Ennis said, “Yeah.”

A bit of time passed silent, then Jack said, voice a little funny, “Since ya’ seem to be really there, ya’ buildin’ that house like I told ya’?”

“Yeah, got a builder lady plannin’ it, already goin’ up.” Ennis’ lips curved into a smile. “Every time I’m gonna be an asshole, I think no, I’ll spend more of Jack’s money instead.”

Jack laughed, a real laugh that time. His voice got low again. “I miss ya’, Ennis.”

“Yeah.” It was quiet on the other end. Ennis cursed himself fer not bein’ able to say stuff. Put his hand to his pocket, felt that crinkly beat-up envelope, dryin’ flower inside, said, it takin’ all his effort to do it, “I miss you too, Jack.”

He could tell Jack noticed him sayin’ that, from the breath he heard took in.

Ennis cleared his throat. “Well, I’d better get off. Ridin’ fence today.”

“Nice ta’ think of that. Sounds like your kinda work. Ya’ workin’ too hard?” Jack chuckled before Ennis could answer, added, “don’t answer that, ‘course you are. I gotta go too. I’ll call again in a week or two.”

“Sounds good. Ya’ allright? Ya’ said lots o’ crap happenin’ there?”

“Yeah, it’s Bobby, and stuff at work.” There was a pause. “Other shit.”

Ennis looked out the kitchen window. Wasn’t gonna even think ‘bout what that might mean. “Well, don’t -. Just - take care of yourself.”

“I’ll do that. You too, Ennis.”

That night, Ennis opened the bag of flowers. They were dead, o’ course, but still had all their colors. Sounded like Jack had stuff happenin’ in Childress ta’ keep him busy. Irony of life, of course: Jack’d done what Ennis wanted, made a life for himself away from Ennis. Now? Now maybe Jack wouldn’t want ta’ throw that all away, certainly had no one ta’ blame but himself if that was the case. He closed the bag of flowers, put it back in his bag, curled up in that lonely bed of Jack’s. Couldn’t believe he was still sleepin’ in the house, but Evelyn had put her foot down hard ‘bout him sleepin’ outside when it was still damp and cold at night.

Damn. Had he missed Jack this much his whole life? Seemed hard to believe, ‘cause the missin’ seemed to take up most of the space inside him.

One day Ennis looked at the calendar and swallowed a little. One month since he’d come here. Amazin’. The walls were goin’ up on his little house now, Bonnie havin’ reached an accommodation with some guys as owed the Twists some money and had some buildin’ skills. Evenins’ after supper, Ennis did whatever work he could on the house, simple stuff, but stuff as took lots of time.

Weather was warmin’ up so much, Ennis told Evelyn he was movin’ up there, near the house, pitchin’ his tent, and he put his foot down this time. He agreed to her terms, though, said he’d eat dinners in their house most nights, shower and breakfast there in the mornings.

Ennis missed Jack’s bedroom in a way, but in another way he was glad to put up his tent, comfortin’ to hear the flap of somethin’ like canvas, though it weren’t actually canvas these days, comfortin’ to have his own space, though his bones ached more in the mornin’ despite the heat. He pitched the tent close to where the house was goin’ up, and every night looked at how the walls were higher, the details goin’ in, like windows, windows set to look out over the sweep of the land and out to the mountains.

Some nights he sat up late outside, starin’ at the stars, tryin’ not to let his gaze go every few minutes to the Twists’ long driveway. Reminded him a little of their summer on Brokeback, his gaze when he switched to herder goin’ to the spark of Jack’s campfire down below before he even understood why, like a moth to a flame.

Seemed like now he’d let himself feel, was like a logjam bein’ breached, longin’ for Jack spillin’ through him so strong he didn’t know how he’d ever stood it, all those years.

He knew it’d be months till Jack came, if that, October or November at best, since he’d just come to Wyoming in April. He shivered a little thinkin’ on that time, the terrible time when they’d had those words, him sayin’ he couldn’t stand it no more, him tellin’ Jack he was nothin’ because of him.

He tried not to let his mind go to the words Jack’d said, but couldn’t help it sometimes, him picturin’ in his mind Jack’s body under some other guy, Jack’s eyes smilin’ at someone else. Hurt in his heart so bad when he thought on it, Jack thinkin’ on anyone else but him, not to mention touchin’ anyone else, bein’ touched by someone else.

What had Jack meant on the phone, he had lots o’ crap goin’ on? Family crap, or rich rancher kind o’ crap? Maybe Ennis weren’t lookin’ so good ta’ Jack now he thought on it more. Maybe Lightning Flat was a piss-poor idea, Jack havin’ always been a dreamer, wantin’ out o’ this middle o’ nowhere kind of a place.

Wasn’t even his body he craved most, though that was sure a powerful thing, like it always was. Just that laugh of his, him jerkin’ Ennis around, the talk ‘bout stock n’ fence, even Jack angry, ‘cause it was all him. And of course he did miss Jack’s body fierce, he could admit that now, his face, his hands. His hands on Ennis, eyes gleamin’.

In Jack’s little bed, in his mother’s house, Ennis had only wrung it out when he couldn’t take it no more, fast and silent in the dark. Here, in his tent, he could spin his thoughts wider, think on times with Jack, linger a little and let the heat build till he couldn’t help but spill out with a groan. He could remember every time from their bein’ together in May, the heat between them fierce like always, but opened up into new roads ‘cause of him bein’ so desperate. Now, lyin’ in his tent, Ennis pictured himself with Jack, and thought that all he wanted was to say to him, “anythin’ you want, Jack, anythin’ at all.” That’s what he shoulda been sayin’ to Jack all those years, ‘bout everything.

Turned out he wasn’t goin’ to Riverton this month to see the girls. Junior’s job had started up right away after school was out, and Francie had some horse thing, but Alma had agreed to them comin’ to Lightning Flat at the end of July for more’n a week, so they were waitin’ for that. Probably a good thing, though he missed ‘em bad, ‘cause he was workin’ now from before sunup to well after dark, and dark came late this time of year this far north.

It just kept getting’ hotter, Wyomin’ sun blazin’ down fer long days. Joe and Early were off in the far pasture dealin’ with the stock, and Charlie and Ennis were focusin’ on mendin’ fence. They’d taken to drenchin’ their shirts in water every chance they got, or takin’ ‘em off altogether, though that was riskin’ a burn.

One day end of June they’d been workin’ for hours, and had eaten their lunches in the small shade cast by some scraggly trees. Ennis’ hat was over his eyes, and he was tryin’ to get a bit of rest.

Charlie’d been yammerin’ on ‘bout his family, a momma and a bunch of sisters, how one of them was goin’ to college, but Charlie just wanted a place of his own one day.

Ennis let him talk, times like these, and the boy seemed never to stop. He’d been quiet for a little while now, though.

Ennis heard the boy scoot closer to where he was lying. “Ennis.”

Ennis said “hm.”

“Think you’ve got some sunburn goin’ on.”

Ennis grunted.

Charlie’s voice sounded funny. “Here.”

Ennis’ eyes flew open. Charlie’s warm rough hand had touched his chest, and was running down toward his stomach.

Charlie met Ennis’ eyes, licked his lips a little. His hand stayed lightly in place on the skin of Ennis’ stomach above the waistband of his pants.

Charlie was breathin’ hard. Ennis could see his chest risin’ and fallin’ all rapid. His hair was dark, and his eyes looked bluer than normal in the dappled light under the tree. Muscles rippled in his arm as it hovered over Ennis.

Ennis was frozen in place just long enough for Charlie to spread his fingers out wider over Ennis’ stomach, lean closer, and whisper, “Ennis?”

Ennis reached up a hand, grabbed Charlie’s hand in a grip of steel, yanked it off him and sat up, all in one motion. “What the hell you doin’, boy?” His voice came out harsh.

Charlie’s eyes had a scared look, and a flush ran up his chest and cheeks.  
“N- nothin’. I was just sayin you’re gettin’ sunburned.”

Ennis still held his hand in an iron grip. “What kinda bullshit is this?”

“Y- you’re hurtin’ me.” The boy’s eyes had tears in ‘em now. Looked so much like Jack that young, ‘cept Jack’d never cried, and Charlie wasn’t as good lookin’.

Ennis forced himself to let go Charlie’s hand, but his words came tumblin’ out fast, voice harsh.

“What is wrong with you, boy, you’re goin’ ta’ get yerself killed. Or worse. I should do it myself. You don’t lay yer hand on a man like that, y’hear me? What were ya’ thinkin’ of?"

Charlie had sure ‘nuf tears in his eyes now, sad sight to see, him bein’ a tough farm boy in most respects. He hung his head.

“Didn’t mean nothing’. Just the sunburn. Please don’t let me go. I’d take a beatin’ first. Please, we need the money, my momma-“

Ennis wanted to punch this boy hard, get up and leave, run away, fire this boy from the ranch, never see him again. What the hell kind of stupid ass trick was that, him doin’ that to Ennis?

Charlie was cryin’ openly now.

Somehow, over the fear and the anger, Ennis heard the voice of the father in him rise up. Without him knowin he was gonna say it, he said, quieter, but firm, “Charlie, listen.”

Charlie had his face in his hand.

“You listenin’ ta’ me, Charlie?”

Charlie nodded.

“First thing is, if you was to be thinkin’ on what some people coulda thought you was thinkin’ on, you don’t never lay yer hand first on someone else. Ya’ got that?”

Charlie raised up his head. “I know, but you’re too – moral an’ all – you’d never do it first with me, ‘cause I’m younger and all. But I’m old enough, way old enough, I’m almost nineteen, I’m not a kid.”

Ennis couldn’t breathe. His own chest was heavin’. Charlie thought –

Ennis searched his soul quick, really couldn’t find a thing he’d done to bring this on. Even if he had, kid had to learn. And if Charlie was to stay on, Ennis had to figure out how to make it right.

Sure ‘nuf, Charlie was mortified now, lookin’ off to the far trees, a few tears tryin’ to escape his eyes still.

Ennis sighed. “Charlie, listen. If I was the kind ta’ be interested in what ya’ maybe were offerin’, not sayin’ ya’ were, and I was interested, I’d a made it obvious. Probably – I don’t know – touched ya’ some or somethin’.”

Charlie looked a little pouty now, but Ennis kept talkin’ before Charlie could get started.

“And if I weren’t, Charlie, and I was like most regular guys? You’d be missin’ some teeth, minimum, not ta’ mention a job. So don’t you never go touchin’ someone as hasn’t touched you first, got that?”

Charlie had stopped cryin’. “Yeah, I got that.”

“And if you were interested in that kind of thing, you’d need to find someone near your own age, not some tough ol’ guy ya’ don’t know nothin’ about.”

“I know enough.”

“Charlie, I’m warnin’ ya’.”

Charlie sighed. “It’s just. There’s just nobody ‘round here.” He darted a glance at Ennis. “Sure do like ya’, though. Sorry I fucked it up.”

Ennis swallowed. “Don’t need to be fucked up. We can forget it. You’re a good worker, Charlie. Smart, too.” Ennis debated, then decided. “I’d be glad to have you stay.”

“You’d do that?” Charlie had that look in his eyes he’d had for weeks, which Ennis now saw for what it was. That wouldn’t do neither.

“Yup. But any more of that nonsense, any of it, you’re out on yer ear, ya’ got that? Yer the age of my daughter, just ‘bout, and if I were interested in any of that, not sayin’ I am, it wouldn’t be with some kid.”

The hurt in Charlie’s eyes was worth the knowin’ he’d cut it off before any real damage could be done. “Let’s get to work.”

Charlie was quiet, and a little sulky, but by the end of the day, was lookin’ Ennis in the face again, and even whistlin’ a little under his breath. For once, Ennis felt good ‘bout how he’d handled a tricky situation. Maybe he really could be boss over guys, he’d certainly seen enough bad bosses ta’ have some opinions on the subject.

His good mood didn’t last long, Jack’s daddy spoutin’ off at dinner that night ‘bout queers runnin’ the fuckin’ country, ‘cepting Reagan, who though he came from Hollywood sure seemed ta’ be a man as knew what it was ta’ be a man.

“Tell ya’ what,” he’d spat out, chewin’ a piece of chicken, “buncha queers, might as well dress ‘em up in pink skirts, chickenshit at fightin’ the communists.”

Evenlyn said, “John,” quiet, but Mr. Twist just said, “can say what I want at my own table, damnit.”

Ennis fought the part of himself, large part, as wanted to squirm in his chair like a schoolboy. Fought another part as wanted ta’ join him in his fag talk ta’ make his credentials clear. Wasn’t like he hadn’t been hearin’ that kind o’ talk his whole life. Talk like that or worse. He swallowed his last bite of lemon cake and excused himself to do some dishes, sayin’ he had some work ta’ do before the last light faded.

He didn’t know how the hell it ever could work out even if Jack did come ta’ join him, Jack’s Daddy bein’ a tolerant saint compared ta’ the folks Ennis knew was livin’ all around here. Figured wasn’t nothin’ ta’ be done now, and the question likely wouldn’t even come up, Jack unlikely ta’ pull up stakes and join him here.

At the end of that same week, Ennis headed into Lightning Flat on Friday evenin’ feelin’ pretty good. The whole thing with Charlie was goin’ to work out, he thought. The boy just needed some guidance, a kick in the butt and maybe a shoulder if it could be managed. Just had to make sure it didn’t go in no inappropriate direction no more. Ennis’d encouraged him to go ta’ some dang fool Fourth of July thing down ta’ Laramie that Charlie’d mentioned, sayin’ Ennis should go. Ennis’d just grunted and told Charlie ta’ make himself scarce, given him bus fare and the weekend off sayin’ it was a gift from Mr. Twist, not sayin’ but thinkin’ might be enough folks there ta’ find someone ta’ Charlie’s taste.

He was lookin’ forward to seein’ the plans Bonnie’d drawn. Seemed like she’d really gotten what he was tryin’ to say. Satisfyin’ feelin’, workin’ on a house. He’d never built anythin’ of his own before, always workin’ on other people’s places, other people’s schedules.

He pushed through the door of the office into the house. The bell on the door musta stopped workin’, ‘cause it didn’t make a sound. No one in the office, so he peeked into the livin’ room, where Lisa had said it was fine to check any time. For a second his brain couldn’t catch up to what he was seein’: Bonnie and Lisa standin’ in that living room in front of that mantle embracin’, but not like the embracin’ of friends. If Bonnie didn’t have her tongue in Lisa’s mouth, he was a monkey’s uncle. And Lisa’s hand most definitely was caressing Bonnie’s breast, the other hand on her ass pullin’ her close down below.

He musta made a noise, because they sprang apart in a way that’d be almost comical if the whole thing weren’t so damn shockin’. They all just stood there starin’ at each other for a space of time, till Lisa finally said, “Shit.”

Bonnie came towards Ennis a little. “Oh God, Ennis, sorry – we never – the bell musta gone out on me.”

Ennis cleared his throat. “Uh.” He didn’t seem to have words to say.

Bonnie said. “Listen, Ennis, we woulda gotten around to tellin’ you. Maybe. Or maybe you’d never have known, most people don’t, there’s no need. It’s just – we don’t usually, this time of day. I just got some good news about my kids, and we – well.” She looked off out a window.

Ennis shook his head. “Can I? Can I sit down a minute?”

Lisa and Bonnie shot a glance to each other. “Sure.” Ennis sat, relieved to get his weight off his shaky knees, and they sat on the sofa across from him, nowhere near touchin’ each other. Bonnie cleared her throat. “Listen, Ennis, you don’t need to use me for your house if you don’t want to no more. I’d understand. I mean, people might use Lisa usually regardless, but havin’ someone workin’ on yer house, that’s a little different.”

“No. No.” Ennis felt a little faint.

“Want a drink or something?” Lisa asked.

“Maybe whiskey.”

They all laughed, awkward.

Ennis put his head in his hands a minute, tryin’ to figure out what the hell he was feelin’. He glanced up at Lisa and Bonnie, sittin’ on the sofa across from him, keepin’ lots of space in between the two o’ them.

“How long ya’ been -?”

“Together?” Lisa said.

“Like this?” Bonnie said, same time.

They all laughed a little. “Any of it, sure.”

“We’ve been together nine years. Met about twelve years ago in Montana. I was at the University. I’ve always known I’m – like this.” Lisa turned to Bonnie.

Bonnie looked at her hands in her lap. “I got married, had my kids, kinda knew somethin’ was missin’, but couldn’t really understand -.” She looked up at Ennis. “I was raised out here, Ennis, you understand, I bet. I never knew there was such a thing, thought what I felt sometimes was just a passin’ thing. Loved my babies to death o’ course -” Bonnie stopped talking.

Lisa’s hand lifted off her lap, headed to Bonnie’s shoulder, but stopped mid-flight, went to the sofa. Lisa said, soft, “She’s had a tough time. Tough choices. We can talk about it another time, Bonnie.”

Ennis found his voice. “No need, gotta be rough.”

Lisa scooted a few inches closer to where Bonnie sat on the sofa. “Never figured you for someone as would take this well, Ennis, though anyone can see you’re a kind man.”

Ennis sighed a little sigh. “Well, guess ya’ can’t always judge a book by its cover.”

Lisa said, quiet like, “Still waters run deep.” She had a thoughtful look on her face too, and her eyes were narrowed a little, starin’ at Ennis.

Ennis felt brave all of a sudden, very brave, looked at her full in the face, said, “Yes.” Stood up to go.

Lisa made a little sound.

“What are you guys havin’ some ESP thing about?” Bonnie asked.

Lisa turned to Bonnie, said “Sh. Later.”

Ennis turned back, looked at the beautiful carpentry in that little house, looked at the two of them sittin’ on that sofa, wantin’ the comfort of touchin’ each other, anyone could see that if their eyes was opened, turned and said to Bonnie. “We might have more in common than ya’ imagine.”

He heard Bonnie’s little gasp.

Ennis stared right in her face. “Never admitted that ta’ no one, ever, ‘cept one person.”

Bonnie got a light dawning look on her face, a soft wonderin’ look too, whispered “Jack?”

Ennis couldn’t handle no more, turned to leave, said “Bring the plans on up tomorrow if you have time. Else I’ll come back next day,” and walked out their door.

If a man ever needed a drink, it was now, so Ennis swung into the little shack on the main drag as had a beaten up sign said BAR in the window, went straight to the stools in the front, ordered a beer. Couple of bottles later, he was finally feelin’ a bit better, started noticin’ the Willie song comin’ from the ancient jukebox, the other people in the bar.

“Howdy.” Man on a stool next to him. Tall guy, thirtyish, long legs with jeans on ‘em pretty tight, hand holdin’ a shot o’ whiskey, sleeves rolled up, could tell he wasn’t some desk worker ‘cause of them ropes of muscle in the forearms. Broad shoulders, probably not a big eater, kept his stomach nice and flat. “Name’s Glen. Haven’t seen ya’ ‘round here before.”

“Ennis. Workin’ on the Twist place.”

“Pleased ta’ meet ya’. I’ve got a stud farm off the highway few miles up.”  
“Good to know.” Glen’s hair was longish and sandy, had a moustache like Jack, like them stars on television.

Ennis felt himself relax, talkin’ with Glen ‘bout horse breedin’ and ranchin’ for some time. Glen bought him a whiskey, and Ennis bought Glen one back. Or maybe it was two each, he couldn’t remember ‘zactly.

Ennis was laughin’ hearty at some good joke Glen told, when Glen leaned in a little, said, “I got some good whiskey out ta’ my place. Wanna come try it?”

Ennis stomach felt a little funny, but he couldn’t figure out why. “Come to yer place?”

Glen said, “Shh. Not so loud.”

“Come to yer place?’ Ennis said it quiet. “Why would I do that?”

Glen’s forehead crinkled a little. “I have to spell it out fer you?”

Ennis breathed out, alchohol haze liftin’ a little in his panic. “Are you sayin’ what I think yer sayin’?”

Glen looked a little fed up. He looked ‘round the bar again. No one was anywhere near them. He said, almost a whisper. “What’s wrong with you, Ennis? Are ya’ interested or not?”

Bolt of shock finally hit Ennis hard. His breathin’ sped up quick, and he could feel his fists clench.

Glen musta sensed the change, ‘cause he pulled back a little, spread out his hands and waved them. “Now listen, I don’t want no trouble.”

Jesus Christ. Was everybody in Crook County queer? Sure seemed so. Whole fuckin’ county didn’t number more’n a few thousand souls. How many could there be? Shocked, Ennis heard himself chuckle, a most unlikely sound to his ears.

Glen moved a little closer to Ennis on his stool. “I was worried you’d be the type to slug me, or worse, but yer laughin’, so I guess that’s a good sign.”

Ennis turned and looked at him full on. “Listen, Glen, even if I was – interested – I wouldn’t be interested, ya’ get me?” Ennis let his certainty show.

Glen got him, moved further away on his stool.

A thought occurred to Ennis. He glanced again at Glen. Seemed like an okay guy. Wearin’ those jeans and a regular shirt, nothin’ prancy. Not no secret redneck, though, neither, settin’ Ennis up, he could tell. “Kin I ask ya’ somethin’ though, Glen?”

“Sure.” Glen sounded a little nervous still.

“What made ya -? Why’d ya’ think I’d be -?”

Glen gave him a glance, nodded, swallowed a mouthful. Took a careful glance around the place, the kind no one would notice.

He lowered his voice. “Ya’ mean ta’ tell me yer just figurin’ this out?”

“In a manner of speakin’. Yes and no.”

Glen’s eyebrows went up. “Allright. Well, your eyes – it’s so hard to put a finger on it. Like you looked at my legs just a half second too long. My arms.”

Ennis found himself involuntarily looking at the muscles in Glen’s forearms again and swallowed.

“Ya didn’t draw back when I touched yer arm. Ya’ – kind of – I don’t know – leaned in like.”

Ennis just nodded a little nod, was all he could manage.

Glen leaned in a tiny bit closer, lowered his voice even more. “You let me buy you a drink, you looked in my eyes a lot, looked at my hair and stuff. And after lots of that kind of stuff, and you bein’ all macho and kinda – butch – well, I jus’ kinda felt ya’ might know what ta’ do with a boy like me.”

Ennis choked on the mouthful he was about to swallow. Beer got in his lungs and it took a while before he could think. His thoughts was swirlin’ so fast he didn’t hardly know his own name. He threw some money on the bar, nodded to Glen, said “thanks,” best he could do under the circumstances, drove home with no clue what he was doin’, pissed in the bushes with some effort and crawled into his tent. Tried to just pass right out, but the more he tried, the more he remembered the one thing he didn’t want to remember: when Glen was talkin’ to him, his cock had stirred, and when Glen said that last thing, he’d become all the way hard.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Ennis rolled over in his blankets onto his stomach, pushed his face down in the pillow. Rolled onto his back again, no that was worse, tried his side. Bein’ on his side just reminded him of the cabin with Jack, Jack goin’ all liquid in his arms, him holdin’ him snug against his chest, whisperin’ in Jack’s ear, slidin’ into that tight heat. Damn. A boy like me.

He gave up fightin’ it, rolled onto his back and took himself in hand. Yeah, Ennis knew what to do with a boy like him. He’d known with Jack, no instructions required. First time he’d done it to Jack, he’d still been so drunk, and he’d been so overwhelmed, hadn’t hardly had a chance ta’ feel before he’d come, though it’d just ‘bout ripped him apart it was so damn good even so. Had been like a revelation from on high, pushin’ into that tightness of Jack’s, feelin’ him movin’ under him.

Through the rest of the summer, they’d learned the ways of it, learnin’ the joys of slow and buildin’, lovin’ the heat of fast and hard, findin’ just the right way that made Jack see stars. But it was after they’d not seen each other for four years that Ennis had known, in that foggy way of knowin’ he had then, that this was what he was made for.

Seein’ Jack after all that time, somethin’ had happened inside Ennis, what he feared all along, the thing between them overpowerin’ him like a rip tide, pullin’ him down so fierce weren’t no way to fight it. For that brief time, didn’t care someone could see him crash Jack’s body into the wall, latch onto his mouth like a drownin’ man. Didn’t care ‘bout nothin’ after that but the look on Jack’s face, Jack pushin’ him back and takin’ Ennis’ mouth hard, Ennis wantin’ to take him right there in that alley, turn him ‘round and do it right up against that wall, the wantin’ was so bad.

He’d tamped it down long enough ta’ deal with Alma, grab some whiskey on the way and chug some down hopin’ it’d take the edge off, but it was impossible, it was suckin’ him down hard all the way. Jack’d had to go in ta’ the desk clerk, the Siesta bein’ too close to Riverton, and Ennis could see from his eyes Jack was fightin’ the same battle, Jack could hardly walk, hardly talk. Jack’s eyes were glazed, and he was shakin’ so bad he couldn’t hardly hold the key. They parked in front of number 4, didn’t even get Jack’s shit out of the truck, just tried to make it to the door. Jack was fumblin’ with the key, but Ennis didn’t even try to help, ‘cause he knew if he came that close to Jack’s hand it’d be all over.

When that door finally opened, Ennis had thrown the whiskey on the bed, thrown Jack up against that door, closin’ it with their weight, and a good thing, because not one shred of sense was left. Jack was moanin’ and Ennis hadn’t even touched him, hands all over Ennis. Ennis was kissin’ Jack against that door, his cock harder than it’d been for four fuckin’ years, grindin’ into Jack, Jack grindin’ back just as frantic, startin’ a little cry of “Ennis, Ennis, Ennis.” Hearin’ his name on Jack’s lips, man’s voice, man’s hard strong body under him, pushed Ennis over some cliff he didn’t even know was there, and he was pushin’ his crotch hard into Jack, Jack lovin’ it and pushin’ back, then suddenly, unbelievably, comin’ right there, standin’ up grindin’ into Jack, clothes on no touchin’, groan wrenched from deep inside. Jack pulled him even tighter, bit Ennis’ neck hard, and came in a spasm up against Ennis, moanin’ his name.

They’d stood their clingin’ on for a bit, then Jack’d said “fuck.” It startled a laugh out of Ennis, he said “sonofabitch,” and then he was reachin’ for Jack’s clothes, strippin’ ‘em off him, reachin’ for that body he’d known so well, Jack reachin’ for Ennis’ buttons and zip same time.

Now, lyin’ on the ground in his tent, Ennis saw it for what it was, him wantin’ to touch Jack all over, feel that hard muscle in his arms, see the line of fur leading down his stomach, feel Jack’s stubble on his face. Jack’s body had been the same but different, four years older, a real man’s body now, chest strong, arms large and muscled, stomach tight.

Jack had that look on his face still, that look Ennis now knew meant fuck me, fuck me, Ennis, do it, but then just made him wild, pushin’ Jack’s clothes off him, pushin’ Jack onto the bed. Jack handed him a tube with tremblin’ fingers, and Ennis added it to the slick on his dick, Jack rollin’ onto his belly no words exchanged. Ennis couldn’t think, everything pulled down to this man, this body, this right now, view of Jack’s strong back and muscled ass pullin’ a moan out of his own lips before he even touched, smell of spunk and sweat and Jack minglin’ in the air. Ennis reached his arms out, pulled Jack up with one hand, aimed true with the other, and had to pant there at the openin’, so close to comin’ just from that, even right after comin’ just now at the door, he couldn’t move or it’d be over. Jack whined down low in his throat, pushed back against Ennis, and Ennis could see those muscles contracting under that skin, golden in the faint light from the streetlamp comin’ in the curtains.

Ennis pushed in, bitin’ his lip ta’ keep from shootin’ right then, pushed in far as he could, Jack gone momentarily limp underneath him. He waited there to breathe, then pulled back, pulled Jack’s ass up a little higher, then pushed in again. Jack said “fuck!” and Ennis was movin’ faster, each push in like meetin’ his maker, tight muscle clampin’ on him, Jack shovin’ back now, meetin’ him with every thrust, sayin’ “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.”

Ennis reached his hand down, felt for Jack’s hard length, feel of it throbbin’ in his hand just ‘bout sendin’ him over the edge, Jack collapsin’ off his hands to his elbows when Ennis touched him.

Jack groaned “harder,” and Ennis let go, let that tide pull him under, reveling in the man’s strength under him, the man’s desire for harder and faster, the man’s leveragin’ off his elbows to push back just as hard as Ennis gave, waitin’ longer than he thought possible till he hit Jack inside just right one last time and Jack contracted around him, hottest thing in the world, Jack chantin’ “Oh fuck gonna die, gonna die I’m shootin’ so fuckin – “ and ended with a yell. Ennis felt the tightness ‘round him pulse even harder, felt Jack’s spunk shootin’ out in his hand, and came in a blindin’ fury into Jack, second time in fifteen minutes.

Lyin’ in his lonely tent, Ennis came with a strangled groan, feelin’ his seed coat his fingers, rather than fillin’ Jack’s body like it should. He saw now what he hadn’t let himself truly see then, it was a man he wanted, a man he wanted ta’ be poundin’ into, man’s body he wanted to be feelin’, man’s strong mouth he wanted to be kissin’ afterwards, like he had that night with Jack.

Where was Jack? Would he ever come? He missed him so bad it was his whole self involved. He missed him in his brain, in his heart, in his gut, in his cock. Curled in that lonely tent, Ennis wondered if Jack would ever see his way clear to joinin’ him. Could be years, maybe twenty, even if he did. Now that he knew what the feelin’ was, how could Ennis wait? The loneliness was killin’ him now he let himself feel. It was like the feelin’ was there, the whole time, but he’d been so good at coverin’ it over, standin’ it, that it hadn’t been felt full strength. To think that this was what Jack had felt, every day for twenty years, like to killed him. He didn’t know if he could do it. It was an emptiness too deep for tears, a yearnin’ after Jack’s whole self.

Jack’d sounded funny on the phone last time they talked, sayin’ stuff ‘bout lots of shit happenin’ down there. Could be Jack was figurin’ out the rich ranch guy with the cabin was a better bet, couldn’t blame him after all the years o’ shit Ennis’d put Jack through. Jack hadn’t called again, kinda strange for Jack, and Ennis thought maybe Jack’d figured out wasn’t such a good plan after all.

The next day, a day he had to work on almost no sleep, Ennis was able to think clearer ‘bout Charlie and Glen. Maybe movin’ from Riverton made things different. Like, people there knew him all those years, so they didn’t see it. Here, no idea in their mind who he was, those who were like that could pick it out, feel it was there. And same for him. There, he was so tamped down, he wouldn’t have known it even if he was noticin’ a man’s legs. Here, now it was pointed out to him two times in one fuckin’ week, he saw it for himself. Could also be that the time with Jack, first time ever talkin’ open on it all, had opened somethin’ in Ennis as well, let his true nature show out through his eyes. Any way you cut it, he had some thinkin’ ta’ do ‘about himself, and that weren’t no joke.

Bonnie came by after suppertime with the plans, after Ennis was already up at the site for the night. He was workin’ on some plumbin’ when she drove on up, tryin’ not to think about whether it’d ever get used by Jack. He straightened up, noticed she looked a little worried.

She nodded, a little embarrassed-like. “Ennis.”

“Bonnie.” Before he could think, a smile started crackin’ Ennis’ lips, startled him a little.

Startled Bonnie, too, ‘cause she said, “Good ta’ see ya’ smile. Ya’ looked a little shell-shocked last night.”

Ennis’ smile grew bigger. He shook his head. “I’m just havin’ an interestin’ week.”

Bonnie’s right eyebrow arched up. “Oh, do tell?”

Ennis laughed right out loud. “Ya’ wouldn’t believe it if I told ya.”

Bonnie just shook her head, and they worked for awhile on the plans for the kitchen, last steps needed ta’ be able to finish the house.

Bonnie rolled up the plans when they were done, opened the door to the truck, but paused before she got it. “Thank you, Ennis.”

“Fer what?”

Bonnie bit her lip. “Fer everythin’, Ennis, all of it.”

Ennis looked at the horizon to the south, towards Texas, line between sky and earth almost invisible in the gathering darkness. “You too. And Lisa. Tell her.”

“Allright then. Ennis?” Bonnie looked at him serious.

“Yeah?”

“I’ve got somethin’ I wanna give ya’ I think. Can I ask – are we right, yer hopin’ on Jack comin’ here too? Don’t answer if ya’ don’t want to.”

Ennis scuffed at the ground, took his hat off, looked at her kind face. “That’s what I’m hopin’ on. We – we been – seein’ each other these twenty years, week here, week there, that’s all we’ve had.”

Bonnie nodded. “What we thought. Twenty years. Wow.”

Ennis nodded. He cleared his throat. “My fault those weeks is all we’ve had.”

Bonnie looked like she might know somethin’ ‘bout that, but just put her lips together. She reached into her truck, took out a piece of nice paper, rolled up. She handed it to Ennis, said, “I got somethin’ for you. I hope you don’t take it wrong. It’s just –“ She looked up at the stars now dappling the twilit sky. “It was something I loved as a girl, and then later when Lisa and I – well, it helped me, and I thought of this part when I thought of you and Jack. It’s kind of personal, but Lisa thought you wouldn’t mind.” Bonnie’s mouth curved into a small smile. “Lisa says it’s okay ‘cause it’s in the –.” She stopped herself, shook her head. “The Hebrew Bible.” It’s from the Song of Solomon.”

Ennis looked at her, vacant.

Bonnie laughed again. “Part of the Old Testament.” It’s not one they talk about a lot. My dad says it’s about man’s relationship with God. Most pastors and rabbis do. Regular folks think it’s about lovers.” Bonnie laughed, then got a more serious look. “People say it’s about a man and a woman, but I’m not so sure. Here.” Bonnie pressed a piece of paper into his hand. “Lisa wrote it out for you nice.”

Ennis didn’t know what to say, said “thank you” just as he was taught.

“You take care, Ennis. You hold onto that hope, ya’hear?”

Ennis nodded.

Ennis stared at that paper in his hand after Bonnie drove off. Somethin’ told him to wait till he was in the tent, so he finished his work, found his flashlight and got into his blankets. Ennis uncurled that fancy paper real careful. There was Lisa’s nice writin’, just like Bonnie said. Had some fancy letterin’ ‘bout that Song of Solomon, the verses and such. He started to read, squintin’ like he always had to. The old biblical phrasin’ sounded pretty familiar, so maybe some of that early churchin’ had stuck with him.

First line read: “By night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth: I sought him, but I found him not.”

Ennis had to bite his lip. What the hell? This was in the Bible?

He kept reading. “I will rise now, and go about the city in the streets, and in the broad ways I will seek him whom my soul loveth: I sought him, but I found him not.”

Ennis’ breath was comin’ rapid now. Wasn’t that what him and Jack’d been doin’, all those years, seekin’ each other, but missin’? What he felt was too big for words, too big even for tears. Somethin’ deep inside, seein’ what he hadn’t let himself see. The name for the feelin’ as pulled him to Jack, pulled Jack to him.

“The watchmen that go about the city found me: to whom I said, Saw ye him whom my soul loveth?”

The person who wrote this knew that heartache, then, the heartache from his nightmare, of looking for that someone, but not bein’ able to find them. Ennis remembered it like it was real, the lookin’ twice at every dark head that passed, the wantin’ to share a thought, then remembrin’ he was gone, the lookin’ at a mountain and wishin’ for only one thing. One person.

Breathin’ hard, Ennis read the last verse.

“It was but a little that I passed from them, but I found him whom my soul loveth: I held him, and would not let him go, until I had brought him into my mother's house, and into the chamber of her that conceived me. “

Ennis gasped, there in that tent on some rise of land in a godforsaken corner of Wyoming. His heart hurt so bad he could hardly stand it, ‘cause it was like Jack was writin’ this, Jack lookin’ for Ennis all those years, and not findin’ him, ‘cause Ennis wouldn’t listen, couldn’t hear. And damn but somehow Ennis had come here to Jack’s mother’s house, and Jack had wanted to let Ennis go, to quit him, but he hadn’t. Just like that long-ago lover from Solomon’s time, wouldn’t let him go.

Now Ennis had to be that lover, ‘cause Jack had done it fer twenty years and he was tired. Ennis had to be the one pullin’ Jack to his own mother’s house, not never lettin’ him go. Ennis needed to find Jack, and hold him, and not never let go again. Ennis had gone to Childress, had made the long journey here, and he wasn’t gonna quit. He’d show Jack he could do it, and wouldn’t give up, and would be waitin’ here fer the day Jack could come home.

If someone from the olden times of Solomon could feel those things and do that, then why couldn’t Ennis del Mar? And if the Bible could talk ‘bout lovers like that, maybe the things that people thought of as sins weren’t so sinful after all. Maybe the Bible itself was sayin’ that the greatest sin of all was to not hold on tight to the person you cared for, not to listen when they called out for you, not to look for them if they went away, not to bring them to your bed in your own house.

Ennis rolled up the paper, stuffed it into his bag next to that grocery sack from Jack. He wasn’t goin’ to listen to the voices no more as said Jack wouldn’t ever come, Jack couldn’t leave all his Childress life behind. Wasn’t goin’ ta’ listen to the voices ‘bout neighbors callin’ him names or worse. Wasn’t goin’ ta’ let the fears chart his path. Might take years, but Ennis’d be waitin. Ennis closed his eyes and told himself to go to sleep, ‘cause he had lots of work on that house to do tomorrow.

Ennis del Mar had always been told he was stubborn, and he meant to prove that true one last time.

 

 

 

 

Ennis swiped at the sweat beading his forehead. It was seven o’clock at night, but heat was still radiatin’ off the ground in waves. The day’d been a scorcher, no doubt about it. He and John Twist had spent most of the day workin’ on the irrigation system. Ironic as heck, since if the thunderheads built up were any indication, they were in for a major shitstorm of rain within the hour.

Normally they’d have eaten supper by now, but they’d both felt the need ta’ check to make sure everythin’ was battened down tight against the comin’ storm. This time of year, the storms built in intensity over the weeks, and by mid-July like it was now, they had a ferocity that couldn’t be matched anywhere, far as Ennis knew.

Had to be at least ninety five degrees still, and the humidity wasn’t much lower. He’d checked everythin’ on the upper lot, tightenin’ the bolts and checkin’ the knots on the lines holdin’ the roof tarp in place, and he’d just finished seein’ to the livestock in the barn.

He looked down at his sweat-soaked shirt and grimaced. Weren’t to be helped, and Evelyn weren’t no shrinkin’ violet. Still, he hoped he’d have time to wash up in the upstairs bathroom and change into one of the shirts he’d taken to leavin’ in Jack’s old room.

Sure enough, Jack’s ma took one look at him and sent him upstairs, hintin’ that a shower wouldn’t be amiss. They both knew the good effects of the shower would be overrun by the humid heat within minutes, but it felt good anyway, and he ran the water cold as he could stand.

When he came down a few minutes later, same dirty jeans but fresher from the shower, and at least wearin’ a clean shirt, he went to the kitchen as was his custom to see if Evelyn needed any help. Tonight it was just carry the dessert to the table, and they were ready to go.

Evelyn said a blessin’ as was her custom, including’ as always a thought for Jack and Lureen and Bobby, addin’ in Ennis’ own daughters and even Alma, somethin’ that warmed his heart, and they dug in.

Evelyn, after a bit of time concentratin’ on the roast, said, “sure do wish we’d see more of Jack. He’s just too far away.”

John Twist snorted, said, “that boy couldn’t get the road under his feet fast enough. Only gets up here once or twice a year, you know that, so why get all bent out o’ shape ‘bout it.” Mr. Twist took a swig from his beer bottle. “Tell ya’ what, we won’t see that boy till November, soonest.”

Ennis sipped some beer, tryin’ to fight the sadness that came over him thinkin’ on Jack. Every day, every night, shit, every fuckin’ minute, he was fightin’ the missin’ of Jack. He should be used to it by now, twenty years of missin’ him, but it only seemed ta’ get worse, the heaviness he felt slung ‘round him like a load of rocks or somethin’.

He couldn’t figure out what he missed most, seein’ as how he missed his body, sure, but more’n that he kept thinkin’ on some joke Jack would tell in that way o’ his, or some teasin’ comment he’d make on Ennis. Even the fightin’, he missed that too. He’d never fought with anyone like he did with Jack. With Jack, it was about real stuff, stuff that mattered. And shit, no one could fight good as Jack, with them words always to hand, those sparkly eyes, them hands in his pockets. Felt good to have a man as could stand up to him, not back down when the rubber met the road. Liked that about Jack, Jack was right, him not being afraid of Ennis. Him thinkin’ Ennis was even worth the trouble o’ fightin’.

Ennis caught himself goin’ off in his thoughts, saw Evelyn had a sad look on her face. Ennis said, not believin’ it even as he said it, “now, ya’ never now. Jack’s been comin’ here all them years, wouldn’t have to, he likes ta’ see ya’, I’m sure.” Evelyn still looked sad, though grateful, so he tried ta’ think of something. He cleared his throat. “Probably lose power tonight.”

“Yup.” Mr. Twist buttered another roll. “Ya’ better sleep here tonight.”

Evelyn looked up from the brownies she’d been slicing. “Why don’t you, Ennis?”

“Nah. Ain’t nothin’ I’m not used to.” Truth was, but he wasn’t going to say it, the sound of thunder, flash of lightning, brought Ennis back to times long ago with Jack on Brokeback. He didn’t mind getting’ a soakin’, a soakin’ which seemed guaranteed despite the tent that’d be around him. “’Sides, I can always ditch into the house it gets real bad. Framin’s almost finished. Might be good ta’ keep an eye on things, anyway.“ Ennis felt bad sayin’ a bit of a lie, that part about goin’ into the house, weren’t goin’ ta’ happen yet, but he knew he’d be fine.

“Suit yourself. Wouldn’t trust that roof tarp tonight.” As if to underscore Twist’s words, a harsh white light flashed in the distance outside, then abruptly flared out. The lights faded for a second, then came back on. A crack of thunder followed a few seconds later. The wind had whipped up, and a shutter banged somewhere in the house. Wasn’t any rain yet, but that would come.

Ennis ate a brownie to make Evelyn smile, then took another to make her smile get to her eyes. He pushed back from the table when the meal was over, carried dishes into the kitchen. Evelyn shooed him away, sayin’ “Put on your gear, Ennis, you’ll catch your death.”

Ennis smiled at her. “Yes, ma’am.”

She smiled back. “Even big boys still need a momma sometimes.”

Ennis felt a need, took a step toward her, wantin’ – something. Reached out a tentative hand, haltin’. Evelyn took his hand and squeezed it. Ennis got out, “thank you.”

Evelyn looked at Ennis with full eyes. “Thank you, Ennis.”

“I ain’t done nothin’.”

Evelyn patted their joined hands with her other hand. “You’re here, Ennis.”

He pulled his hand out, patted her hands.

She smiled, nodded, said, “now get goin’ before the flood comes. Skedaddle.”

“Skedaddlin’, ma’am,” Ennis said over his shoulder, seein’ the smile reach her eyes again as he walked out.

He trudged up the path cut rough between the Twists’ main house and the acreage up on the bluff. Usually he drove his truck between the houses, but this morning he’d walked down. Driving required going straight out the driveway from the house he was buildin’ to the main rural route, goin’ along that for ‘bout a mile, then turnin’ into the Twists’ long driveway. The cut-off road that went direct between the upper land and the Twists’ main place weren’t really a road so much as a path for stock and people, though tractors and other farm equipment could go along it just fine. Wasn’t worth riskin’ the truck for the slight amount of time it cut off the trip between the two houses.

Today he’d walked down, ‘cause he’d wanted to check the path, try to figure what it would take ta’ fix it so it was usable for real vehicles. Was goin’ to be a costly and time-consumin’ operation, that was for sure, and it might be somethin’ as would have to wait. He’d already had a local guy come look at the path, friend of one of the guys as worked on the house. Dave’d been a real talker, but Ennis hunched his shoulders up remembrin’ his funny look when Ennis’d said he wasn’t interested in bein’ set up with no local woman right now. He’d not even touched his pocket, but just thought of Jack, and that’d been enough. Still, the memory of that look sent a little shiver through him.

Ennis swore as he tripped over a rock. He had a flashlight, and it weren’t full dark yet, since it stayed light till past nine o’clock this time of year, but he couldn’t see much in the gatherin’ gloom. Every so often a huge fork of lightnin’ would split the night, hittin’ some distant hill. The lightning was so huge it filled up half the sky sometimes, forks branchin’ out in every direction from the massive main trunk. The thunder was crackin’ sooner and sooner after the bolts appeared, so he figured the rain’d be on him soon.

He scanned the horizon as best he could, the late daylight turning black as night with the approach of the massed thunderheads. Ennis spared a thought for Joe and Early, out ridin’ herd over the sheep. He’d told ‘em ta’ shelter in one of the herder’s shacks if the lightin’ came as had been predicted, and he hoped they had the sense to do so, from the look of the gathering clouds. They’d been herdin’ for a long time, so they probably’d be fine, knowin’ how people got killed dead every year from bein’ stupid. Ennis remembered Charlie, too, and hoped he was safe in the bunkhouse. Sittin’ under some lone tree was the last thing you did if one of these babies came on, which they did for weeks in the Wyoming summer.

Just the other week some stupid herder got killed sittin’ under a tree instead of crouchin’ down in a ditch like the experts said, if you didn’t have a structure close at hand. Ennis had had to stop readin’ when the paper started talkin’ ‘bout the black marks as showed entry and exit of the lightnin’, in this case entry through the chest and exit out the crotch. The picture that called up was so vivid, and reminded Ennis of another crotch as was black and empty.

The clouds were buildin’ fierce now, and a gust of wind near tore off Ennis’ hat. Walkin’ up the rough road, Ennis could see out to the far horizon, dark tendrils of cloud reachin’ down to the earth, full of rain or worse. He could smell the rain comin’, fresh tang of water in the air, and hurried his steps.

He was a few hundred yards away from the house he was buildin’ when the storm caught up to him full on. Pellets of rain started hittin’ the road, steamin’ a little where they hit the earth, still holdin’ so much of the day’s heat. The wind got fiercer as he reached the top of the bluff, and then the rain was on him. Black clouds whirled in the sky right over the ranch, and pellets of ice started raining furiously down. Ennis swore and pulled his rain gear tighter ‘round him, not that it’d do much good on a night like this.

A huge bolt of lightning hit the fields off maybe a mile from the house, and the near simultaneous crack of thunder shook the ground. Huge chunks of hail were hitting him now, and the wind made it tough to make much progress. Sure ‘nuff, he was worried about the house, vulnerable as it was, not finished and all. He’d be lucky if all he had to deal with tomorrow was a soaked structure.

By the time he got to where he could’ve seen the house, it was pitch black. The hail had turned to rain again, a flood of rain. Damn but he was going to be wet even under the gear, wind was whipping the moisture everywhere so bad.

Another fork of lightning hit the fields, now maybe half a mile away. The smell of ozone was in the air now, the thunder a sharp deafenin’ near-simultaneous crack, followed by ominous rumblins’.

The hair rose on Ennis’ arms.

In that brief flash of glarin’ light, he’d seen somethin’ near impossible. Up in front of his house, a few feet in front of the door, someone had been standin’, lookin’ up.

A man had been standin’ in front of the house.

Nobody had no business bein’ out in this weather, let alone standin’ in front of Ennis’ half-built house on a hidden road off the rural route. Ennis felt his eyes narrow and his fists bunch. He made his walkin’ quiet now, approached warily, waitin’ for the next lightnin’ burst.

Sure ‘nuff it came, now hittin’ in a huge oak a few hundred feet away, not the house itself thank God, blue white light flaring at the same moment. The crack of thunder was like the end of the world, sharp and deep at the same time, enough to knock Ennis to his knees. The lightnin’ illuminated the spot in front of the house like it was day, and Ennis could see the man clear.

Ennis thought maybe he’d been hit, felt like it, but then he knew it wasn’t no lightnin’ from the sky as made his blood surge hot through his veins and his breath come hard.

Jack Twist was standin’ in front of that house, lookin’ at it with an expression on his face -. Ennis didn’t know what the expression was, the light bein’ gone again, all bein’ black, but it was Jack, hundred percent.

Ennis pushed up from the ground, took a few steps, should be just ten feet or so behind where Jack was standin’. “Jack?”

Ennis could hardly see, but heard Jack’s voice, faint over the wind and rain, “Ennis?”

Ennis took the last few steps to where Jack must be. Another lightning strike, now past the house and on across the highway, illuminated the night for another second. Jack was standin’ there, hat off, rain pourin’ off his dark hair, soaked to the skin, must be, wearin’ one of them useless parkas, still lookin’ away from Ennis, towards the house.

The clouds in the west were clearin’ a little, so a little twilight crept back under the black. Jack was soakin’ wet, clothes clingin’ to him all over.

Ennis took the last step that took him right up to Jack. “Jack, what’re ya’ -.” he couldn’t even hear his own voice over the fury of the storm. Ennis cleared his throat, pitched his voice louder. “Jack?”

Jack was just starin’, starin’ at the house in front of him. Ennis thought maybe that was wonder on his face, but it was startin’ to scare him, Jack standin’ there so still. An image from his nightmare flashed in Ennis’ mind, Jack, broken and bloody on the ground. He pushed away the thought as superstitious that he hoped he wasn’t seein’ no ghost.

Ennis reached to Jack, reached for his shoulder to turn him so he could see him good. There was more light now, even though it was later, since the clouds were movin’ fast to the east, leavin’ a swathe of twilight in the western sky. Ennis pulled on Jack’s shoulder. “Jack?”

Jack finally turned toward Ennis. Water was falling off his hair, over his face. “Ennis.”

Ennis couldn’t help it, he smiled, seein’ that face there like that. “Jack.”

Jack smiled back, a pure and happy smile as made Ennis’ heart sing.

“Jack?”

Jack seemed to gain some sense, said loud over the storm’s noise, “came to visit you.”

“Yer folks?”

Jack shook his head, flipped a thumb back over his head. “Came in off the rural route, didn’t want ‘em knowin’ I was here yet. Truck’s over there behind the tree.”

Ennis put his other hand on Jack’s other shoulder, held him there in front of him, disbelieving. Water was streaming from Ennis’ hat onto Jack’s bare head, which would be a comical sight under any other circumstances.

Jack brought his arms up, wrapped them around Ennis’ back, pulled him tight up against him, Ennis unresisting. “Wanted to see you first, just you.”

Ennis wrapped his own arms around Jack, tightened them like so many times before. Said, “asshole. Took ten years off my life. You coulda called.” The feel of Jack’s strong body against his, even through layers of rain gear and parkas, hit him hard. He squeezed even tighter, wantin’ to pull Jack to him and never let go.

Jack laughed in his ear. “Not supposed to be here, couldn’t help myself. Don’t have the time, gonna have to turn around in a few days and head right back outa here.”

‘What - ?” Ennis caught a scent over the smell of wet earth, scent of sweat and musk and . . . Jack. He rubbed his head against Jack’s, and Jack rubbed back, moved his hands up and down Ennis’ back.

Jack said, “missed ya’,” and Ennis felt his breath on his ear. All his longing came back to him in a wave, and he pulled back to look at Jack’s face.

There he was, moustache like them movie stars, hair dark with rain, eyes sparkling, though in this light they looked more dark than blue. Ennis’ hand, of its own accord, reached out to cup the side of Jack’s face, the face that got that wonderin’ look back on it when Ennis’ hand came up.

Some of his feelin’ must be showin’ in the dim light, or in the sound of his voice, in the touch of his hand to Jack’s cheek, ‘cause Jack smiled a smile as went to his eyes, took his own hand and put it on top of Ennis’ hand on his face, then pulled that hand to his lips to put a kiss in the palm.

Ennis heart hurt, and he said, hoarse, “Jack.”

Jack said, “I cain’t believe ya’ did it, Ennis. Cain’t believe yer buildin’ a fuckin’ house.” Jack turned his face towards the nearly completed structure. “It’s beautiful. Amazin’.”

Jack turned back to face Ennis. “It’s amazin’.”

Ennis felt a flush run up his face, but he remembered the dead flower in his pocket, remembered everythin’, and raised both hands to either side of Jack’s head, looked him straight in the face, said, “I’ve missed you, Jack.”

Jack’s eyes were warm, but then his face turned serious. “I’m just visitin’. Think you should know that.”

Ennis nodded. “I heard you. I’ve missed you.”

Jack took a breath, lowered his voice, moved his body closer to Ennis’. “Show me.”

Ennis’ dick lurched. He tightened his hands either side of Jack’s face, pulled him towards him slowly, chest tight. When their lips touched, soft, a peal of thunder rang out in the distance, and they both laughed softly. Ennis pulled back a little, murmured “like lightnin’.”

“Always was,” Jack replied.

“You got that right,” Ennis said, and leaned in to deepen the kiss. After so long, Jack’s lips felt like a slice of heaven, right there, soft and warm, pushing back against him, tickle of moustache making it Jack. When Jack opened his mouth to Ennis’ tongue, Ennis felt his knees actually go weak, how embarrassin’ was that, he was weak for this man, no doubt. Jack’s mouth tasted like coffee and summer rain, and took him back to Brokeback and years upon years since, just like that.

It was getting’ hard to think, rain fallin’ all around them, rain gettin’ in their mouths, tangled up together, Jack’s hands pullin’ Ennis tighter against him, Ennis’ hands fallin’ down from Jack’s head to graspin’ onto the back of Jack’s shirt, then one hand wanderin’ lower, wantin’ to cup that ass and pull it tight.

One of them moaned when the kiss deepened again and Jack’s hands went down low onto Ennis’ ass, sendin’ more electric fire through Ennis’ veins. Never had felt anythin’ like this, slow and gentle and sweet, but hot like fire underneath, rain fallin’ all around them, onto them, runnin’ through Jack’s hair, into their mouths, into their kiss.

Ennis’ thoughts were scatterin’ like prairie dogs into their holes, but he had enough mind left to register what he was feeling under his hands. He pushed Jack away a little, it takin’ all his willpower to do it. “Shit, Jack, you’re completely soaked. Freezin’ too. How long ya’ been standin’ here?”

Jack tried to pull Ennis close again, but Ennis kept him held off. Sure enough, he could see Jack was shakin’, not little shakes, neither. “Jack, yer soakin’ wet. Freezin’ cold. We got to get ya’ down ta’ yer mama’s, get you took care of.”

Jack tightened his arms. “Don’t wanna see my folks tonight. Want just you. Came ta’ see you. I’m fine.”

Ennis could feel Jack under his hands. “You’re shakin’, Jack.”

Jack laughed in his ear. “Always shake when I see you after it’s been a while.” That was true enough, but Ennis felt Jack’s hands sliding suggestive down toward his ass again, marshaled the will to push Jack away a little. “Now Jack, none o’ that.” Jack looked blue at the lips even in the half light now peaking in under the clouds.

Jack nodded off down in the direction of his folks’ house. “Ain’t goin’ down there.” Jack’s eyes were determined.

Ennis took in Jack’s shaking, his drenched clothes, the wind on the bluff. “Fine. Ya’ stubborn asshole. We gotta get you stripped and warmed up, though. Now.”

Jack’s chuckle was right against Enis’ ear again. “If you insist. Ya’ gonna do it yerself?”

“Do what?”

“Strip me and warm me up, what d’ya think?” Jack was shakin’ so hard from cold now his teeth were chatterin’.

Ennis smiled. “Yeah. I’m gonna do it myself. You bet.” Ennis looked at his tent, now soaked through despite the fancy new fabric, had a thought. “You got any blankets in yer truck, Jack?”

“Yeah S-sleepin’ bag or two.”

“Okay.” Ennis pushed Jack off him, pushin’ his heat away, not exactly easy, grabbed Jack’s fingers and pried them off his shirt. Ennis pushed Jack towards the door of the house, reached down with cramping fingers to unlace the ropes tying the tarp over the door opening. Had a thought, said, “wait here,” grabbed a couple of towels, a coat, a lantern and some blankets from his tent. He saw the Bible he’d bought in town and spared a thought for them verses he’d read there, heart clenchin’ in disbelief that Jack was really here. He came back over to where Jack was standin’ and finished untyin’ the tarp. It blew open, flappin’ in the wind still left over from the storm.

Ennis knelt down. Thrust a handful of blankets into the doorway, then tried to lay out a towel on the floor with his cold fingers. “Jack, get in here, start strippin’. I’ll bring ya’ the stuff from yer truck. Give me the keys.”

Jack dug in his pocket, fumbling, then finally gave up, said, “my fingers ain’t workin’ too well. Guess I really am cold. You get ‘em.”

Ennis dug down into Jack’s right front pocket, frowning while Jack smirked and shook. Ennis was actually getting a little worried now, but figured Jack was probably okay when he stuttered out “j-just a little to the left there, cowboy, and yer gonna snag yerself somethin’ mighty fine.”

Ennis felt the keys and pulled them out, bein’ sure to push his fingers as close as he could to Jack’s semi-erect dick, clearly present and makin’ it hard to get the keys out of that pocket.

Ennis pushed up close against Jack, said into his ear, “Already snagged myself somethin’ mighty fine, twenty years ago now. Only thing I’m interested in snaggin’.”

Jack shivered and leaned into Ennis a little, lettin’ his head rest for just a second against him. “Think ya’ landed it already, no snaggin’ required. Yours for the takin’.”

Ennis’ dick heard that, all right, and his heart did a flip too. He wanted to turn Jack and kiss him and hold him and feel him all over, but Jack was shakin’ bad now, and the skin of his face felt like ice. He pushed him off again, said “get in there, Jack. I’ll be right back.”

It was hard lettin’ go but he did it, sprintin’ through the lingerin’ rain over to the huge oak Jack apparently had parked his truck under. Fortunate it wasn’t the tallest on the ridge. That tree as took the hit was probably done for. Needed a lightnin’ rod up here soon as possible, another thing to add to the unendin’ list of things that had ta’ be done.

Sure enough, Jack had a sleeping bag and a coupla spare blankets in his truck. Ennis grabbed the suitcase from in there, too. Jack’d need clothes, dry ones.

When he got back to the house, the tarp was flappin’ open and Jack weren’t in sight, so he must be inside. “Jack?”

“I’m here.” Jack’s voice sounded weak, and it was pitch black inside the house. Ennis fumbled for the lantern, pulled his lighter from his pocket and lit it. He turned the lantern higher, the mantle givin’ out a golden light. There was Jack, still dressed, soakin’ wet and fumblin’ with the buttons of his shirt. Ennis could see him shakin’ from way over by the door, and his lips were a slash of white.

“Okay bud, hang on. Just wait a minute and I’ll get ya’ squared away.” Ennis looked around quickly, dragged the assorted sleepin’ bags and blankets into the room through the little door to his right. The entryway weren’t no place ta’ make a bed for Jack. And speakin’ of the entryway, he needed ta’ cinch up the tarp as best he could ta’ prevent more water and wind from gettin’ in.

Jack was just sittin’ on the floor in a soggy heap now, clutchin’ a towel to his chest, lookin’ out of it, shudderin’. Ennis went over ta’ him, reached a hand ta’ pull him up. Jack staggered, but managed ta’ make it into the living room, where Ennis had spread out the sleepin’ bags and blankets. The wind was high again outside, and the roof tarp was makin’ alarmin’ noises. Still, the house seemed pretty snug.

Ennis led Jack onto a towel he’d put down near the blankets, said “stand here,” and started at Jack’s belt. His jeans were soaked, which made unbuttonin’ ‘em and pullin’ the zip down a royal pain, but he managed, then knelt down in front of Jack ta’ try to pull ‘em off. They was clingin’ ta’ Jack’s hips so tight, them and his shorts, that Ennis had to inch first one side down, then the other, and take care of Jack’s poor dick ‘less it got hurt when he peeled them pants off.

Jack was shakin’ so bad, Ennis didn’t expect a word out o’ him, and sure ‘nuf, he had to tell him, “Jack, lift up,” when it was time to pull them pants off at his feet.

Ennis felt a warm feelin’ in his chest from takin’ care of Jack like this, lookin’ up ta’ see his man naked on the bottom ‘cept for his socks, lookin’ drenched n’ cold. Jack might have felt a little of the same, ‘cause his hand came down at one point to stroke on Ennis head, and his voice came soft, sayin’ “I’m likin’ the view” with a smile in his shaky voice.

Ennis reached up a hand to Jack’s, pulled him down, sayin’ “come down here now, Jack, gonna get ya’ warm.” Jack sat on the soft stack of sleepin’ bags and blankets, and Ennis, still on his knees, pulled off Jack’s drenched socks, threw them in a corner.

Jack laughed, said, “S-service is better than it used to be, that’s fer damn sure.”

Ennis threw him a grin, said, “make ya’ pay for that later, Jack. Get in here now.” Ennis pulled up a top layer of blankets and patted the stack. Jack leveraged himself over with Ennis’ help, and Ennis covered Jack’s legs and lap with stacks of the blankets.

Ennis moved closer again, started on the zip of Jack’s parka. It was damn hard to concentrate with Jack’s lips so close, but the man was freezin’, and he did it. The parka was so wet it didn’t come easy, but he got it undone, then pulled it off Jack’s arms one at a time. Next was his shirt, and Ennis bit his lip to work on the buttons, resistin’ comin’ out of them wet buttonholes. Jack was shakin’ still, worse than ever, so when all the buttons were undone, Ennis hurried to slip first one sleeve off, then the other. He was slidin’ the second sleeve off when somethin’ made him look up to Jack’s face, and saw an expression there – that same expression as he’d startled on his face a few times on Brokeback, and made Ennis’ heart thump.

Could Jack still feel for him the same sweet feelin’ from long ago, after all the hurt and all the years? If that were possible, it would be like - . If that were possible, Ennis would never wish on no star again, ‘cause he’d have his wish. Ennis realized he’d got caught up in Jack’s eyes, eyes that looked warmer and warmer by the second. Ennis, suddenly shy under Jack’s gaze, looked away, concentrated hard on that last sleeve, slidin’ it off like Jack was precious gold, or one of his girls, or one of his horses. He pushed Jack back on the blankets, helped him lie down, pulled the top layer up over his chest.

Ennis was about to get up and take care of the wet clothes piled in the corner, when Jack’s hand reached out sudden ta’ grab at his own.

“I’m still cold, Ennis.” Jack’s lips were blue, but his eyes were sparkly and warm. “Ya’ gotta get in here with me. You know as well as me the cure for cold like this.”

Ennis looked at Jack, and warmth wrapped ‘round his heart. He felt his own lips curl into a smile as reached his eyes. “All right, but only ta’ get ya’ warm. “Ya’ gotta sleep.”

Jack snorted. Ennis went to turn the lantern off but Jack whispered, “leave it.”

Ennis turned his head to look at Jack, question in his eyes.

Jack said, “wanna see you.” Ennis felt himself harden the last little bit. The longin’ for feelin’ Jack in his arms grew strong, pullin’ at him hard.

Ennis bit his lip. “Now Jack, that ain’t what this ‘’bout. Gotta’ get ya’ warmed up, ya’ look borderline hypothermic ta’ me.”

Jack smiled into Ennis’ face. “Ya’ undressed me so fine, Ennis. Wanna do the same ta’ you. I cain’t. Shakin’ too bad. I’m warmin’ up, though.”

Ennis grunted and frowned, but left the lantern on, though he turned it to its lowest setting. Grumbling to himself ‘bout stubborn assholes, he made quick work of his boots and raingear. He hesitated for a minute, but what the hell, it was Jack. Then, kneeling up next to the blankets, he unzipped and pulled his pants down to his knees, left his shorts on, though why he didn’t know, his dick tentin’ the front of them so obvious like that. He sat and pulled the pants off entire. Jack’s eyes were dark, and his lips looked a little less blue.

Ennis started unbuttoning his shirt, then decided if Jack wanted this, he’d try ta’ put a little thought into it. He knew his body weren’t bad for thirty nine. If anythin’, workin’ so hard up here had tightened his stomach even more, built up more muscle in his arms and chest. He wasn’t goin’ ta’ do no striptease, but he turned full onto Jack, sittin’ on his heels so he was raised up a bit, and looked at Jack’s face.

Ennis had to bite his lip, longin’ was so strong on Jack’s face, but he slowed himself down and took first the buttons up his front, one at a time, then reached for the buttons at his wrist. Suddenly had an inspiration, brought the cuff up to his mouth, reached for the scrap of fabric at the cuff with his teeth, first undoing one wrist, then the other. Jack hissed when his teeth made contact with that cuff, but Ennis didn’t stop to look, just slid that shirt off slow, stretching back to pull the sleeves off one at a time, knowin’ the movement probably put his chest in a good light, pushed forward like that, muscles flexin’.

He heard another sharp intake of breath, then a hiss, and turned to look. Jack was starin’ at him open-mouthed. Jack’s hand left the blankets, snaked up and ran soft over the cord of muscle on Ennis’ bicep, ran up to the shoulder, then down to the forearm. Ennis sat still, lettin’ Jack do it, watchin’ that hand on his skin.

Jack raised an eyebrow, makin’ Ennis breathe harder. Jack stuck that tongue of his in his teeth, took his hand, deliberate, ran it over soft as light to Ennis’ chest, now risin’ and fallin’ more rapid. “Jack.” Ennis’ voice came out a croak, and he meant to tell Jack to stop, that what was important was getting’ warm. Jack’s arm was till shakin’ and –

“Christ.” Ennis’ breath huffed out all at once, Jack’s hand havin’ brushed, barest feather, over his nipple.

Jack still had his tongue between those lips of his, but a grin was pullin’ up the corners of that mouth.

“Whut?”

Jack pulled his hand away, laughed full out. “Just checkin’ to see if I still got the power.”

“Asshole.” Ennis lunged to get under the blankets next to Jack, took a breath and wrapped him up, head to toe, in his own body. The pleasure of it felt like it always did, but somehow even richer and deeper, shockin’ to his skin, though Jack was too cold, far too cold.

Ennis growled in Jack’s ear, “who’s got the power here, Jack, huh? What d’ya think?” and he rocked his boxer-clad hips into Jack’s hard cock. Jack gasped, but Enis did too, and they both ended up laughin’, Ennis buryin’ his face into Jack’s neck and nuzzlin’ there, chucklin’.

Ennis started rubbin’ his hands over Jack’s arms and fingers, then his feet and legs joined in, rubbin’ on Jack’s feet and legs, since they felt like ice. Jack really was shakin’ from cold, not just from wantin’, though there was some of that, too. Ennis took Jack’s hands and held them in front of his face, used his own hands to rub ‘em.

“Ennis.” Jack’s voice sounded tight.

Ennis looked up from Jack’s hands. He was glad the lantern was still on, ‘cause seein’ Jack right there was doin’ stuff to his heart. “Yeah? Am I hurtin’ you?”

Jack had that soft look in his eye again, and Ennis’ heart seemed to skip a beat, Jack shook his head. “You ain’t hurtin’ me at all right now Ennis. Not in any way.”

Ennis ducked his head, knowin’ the other side o’ that statement, the one as said he had hurt Jack before, in lots of ways.

Jack’s voice came soft, along with his fingers, ghosting light over Ennis’ lips “I want you. What I was tryin’ ta’ say.”

Ennis closed his eyes for a minute against the feelins’ inside him. Feelins’ so strong, felt like they wanted to burst free, come out, had a will of their own. His stomach clenched, and he recognized the panic feelin’ risin’ in him from so much feelin’, spared a thought for knowin’ he’d felt it before. He couldn’t let it out, not entire, that was too much, but maybe didn’t have to pull back completely, maybe could give Jack some of it.

He brought his own hand, shakin’, to Jack’s, still pressed light on his lips, held Jack’s hand with his own, pressed a kiss onto Jack’s fingers, then opened his mouth a fraction, started workin’ his lips around Jack’s fingers.

He raised his eyes to Jack and opened his mouth more, had to take a quick breath, then let his lips slide, still dry, over Jack’s middle fingers. Jack’s eyes were dark and getting’ darker, the lantern light paintin’ his face with golden flame. Ennis pulled Jack’s fingers out, said low, straight into Jack’s face, “want you, Jack.” Jack’s eyes were turnin’ that stormy liquid color like the sea, so Ennis lowered his voice some more, took a breath, said, “always.”

The words hung there between them for a moment of time, Jack’s eyes goin’ even deeper, and then Jack was pullin’ Ennis toward him, Jack’s fingers still between ’em, Jack’s mouth now reachin’ for Ennis’ mouth, his fingers getting’ all tangled up, and Ennis takin’ them in on purpose before their mouths touched, now no dry kiss, but takin’ Jack’s middle three fingers into his mouth and suckin’, kissin them like they was Jack.

Jack growled a little, pushed his mouth up, and then his tongue was in Ennis’ mouth too, next to those fingers, pushin’ in hot and wet, and it was too much, too much just this, then Jack pressed his hard cock into him and a moan ripped from Ennis’ throat.

Ennis pulled back, Jack’ mouth and fingers followin’, but Ennis panted, “Jesus, Jack, wait a minute.”

Jacks was lost, too, Ennis could tell, had that look in his eyes as made Ennis crazy, but damn, he wanted this to be more than thirty seconds.

‘Wait?” Jack could hardly talk.

Ennis caressed Jack’s check with his hand, held his mouth away. “Slower? All I meant. Last longer? I’m gonna go off any second this rate.”

Jack smiled, some awareness comin’ back in his eyes. “Yeah. Good idea. Ya’ think we can? Go slow?”

Ennis shook his head slowly, smile quirkin’ up his mouth, smile he could feel reach his eyes. “Probably not. I almost went off just you kissin’ me.”

“Yeah.” Jack smiled back. He took a breath, got a frown line in his forehead. “Ennis, ya’ came here, ya’ built this house. Wanna tell you -.” Jack bit his lip and stopped.

Ennis looked at Jack, said soft, “it’s okay, bud, whatever it is. Gotta keep that truth stuff goin’.”

Jack nodded. “This is a good truth, though. Guess they’re hard to tell, too, sometimes.”

Ennis thought how true that was.

“Wanted ta’ tell you, so you hear it.” Jack’s hand thumped Ennis’ chest, right over his heart, then lingered there, pressin’ softly. “Wanna tell you, ‘cause I’m not sure you heard it, it’s always been true, always, ain’t nobody never, never made me feel like you.”

Jack pulled Ennis’ head up with both hands on his face, waited until Ennis’ eyes met his, leaned forward and kissed Ennis again, chaste, pulled back and said straight into his eyes, “no one,” leaned forward and kissed him again, still chaste but lingerin’, hotter, pulled back again and said, “never,” then pulled back and asked, “ya’ got that?” and Ennis could only nod his head a fraction.

Then Jack was kissin’ him again, not chaste no more, holdin’ Ennis’ head tight and plunderin’ deep in his mouth with his hot tongue. Ennis’ hands went to the sides of Jack’s face, just like always, held him tight and tried to pull him even closer.

This time there wouldn’t be no pullin’ back, they both knew it, and Ennis gasped out loud when Jack’s naked body pressed into his this time. Jack’d warmed up considerable, and Ennis’ hands went, of their own volition, slidin’ down skin that felt like velvet heat, all over Jack’s strong shoulders and arms, up them again and down his muscled back, down lower where the flesh curved out, sweet feel of Jack’s ass under his hands powerful like the lightnin’ tonight. He groaned the same moment as Jack, feelin’ that strong willin’ body under his hands, feelin’ Jack melt and curve into him and around him.

Their kiss went on and on, first Jack pushin’ into Ennis’ mouth, then Ennis into his. Ennis’ hips were rockin’ against Jack now, couldn’t help it, and Jack was rockin’ back, like they was one ocean creature rocked by the waves of the sea. Ennis felt his legs pull up and circle ‘round Jack, felt Jack’s legs do the same.

Ennis ripped his lips away from Jack, and Jack panted, “how d’ya want – what? Like this? Or – “ Jack closed his eyes, lost in the pleasure rockin’ them together.

Ennis brought his one hand up to Jack’s face again, kept the other pressin’ gently on his ass, stroked Jack’s cheek till his eyes opened again. Ennis smiled into Jack’s face. “Anythin’ at all, Jack, anythin’ ya’ want.”

Jack looked at him a moment, clearly not thinkin’ too clear. “What?”

“What I’ve been thinkin’ on. One o’the things. What I should say ta’ you.”

Jack’s eyes looked a little more focused. “Anythin’ at all? That’s what you want ta’ say ta’ me?”

Ennis nodded.

Jack’s eyes were liquid. “Like the first time,” he whispered, serious, into Ennis’ face.

It hit Ennis like a bolt, remembrin’ that first time, never forgotten, what they always came back to, the joinin’ like that, deep need for both of them. He looked back into Jack’s face, felt his own nostrils flare. “Yeah.”

Jack flung a hand to his parka, pulled out a tube, pressed it into Ennis hand. “One improvement,” Jack gasped out as he rolled, pressin’ that hot ass up against Ennis the whole way, rubbin’ back against him, grabbin’ Ennis’ hands as he rolled so he ended up belly down, Ennis on top.

Ennis had to take some breaths, he was so close to goin’ off right like that. Splayed out over Jack’s back he nuzzled in the hair at his neck, licked at his ear. Jack tasted like rain and open air and salt and - . “Christ. What you do ta’ me, Jack.”

Jack pushed his ass up, but soft, rubbed it sideways across Ennis’ rock-hard dick, twisted his face to the side and back, searching for Ennis’ mouth.

Ennis craned down to Jack’s mouth, tangled his tongue with his, pulled back and whispered, “’nother improvement,” then ducked back in for more, Jack now moanin’ a little in his mouth, moanin’ around his tongue, Ennis’ hips rockin’ harder against Jack now, flattenin’ him down into the ground. Ennis could feel Jack startin’ to press his dick into the sleepin’ bag under him, and he moved his mouth back to Jack’s ear, whispered, soft and gentle, “wait fer me, Jack, “ and Jack gasped, stoppin’ the movement of his hips, his muscles strainin’ to keep still under Ennis.

Ennis wanted to kiss Jack some more, so he did, kissin’ the hair at his neck, kissin’ the mouth that still sought his after all these years, kissin’ the side of his face, kissin’ his shoulders, lovin’ the taste of salt under his tongue. His hips were rockin’ against Jack, startin’ up a rhythm, Jack rockin’ back, soft like the sea. All his insides were wantin’ to flow out, flow into Jack, around Jack, be surrounded by Jack. His own heart was beatin’ fast in his ear, he was so close, just on the edge.

Jack moaned, “not goin’ ta’ last,” and stopped his movin’, catchin’ Ennis by surprise right on the edge of comin’ himself. Ennis said “oh shit,” and forced his hips to stop, stayed still, hoverin’ over Jack, pantin’ for control. Jack’s hand snaked up, found Ennis’ face, pressed light into Ennis’ cheek, stroked it so soft. Jack whispered, “s’alright, shh, just wait a minute, Ennis.” Ennis dropped his head down to rest on Jack’s, let his sweat drop into Jack’s hair.

After he breathed for a while, Ennis grabbed the tube, opened it with shakin’ fingers, still splayed out flat against Jack. He raised up on his knees, all the way up ta’ kneelin’, took his coated fingers and ran them, soft, down Jack’s beautiful ass, pressin’ into the crack, findin’ the hole and pressin’ in a finger, gentle and sweet, just a little in, then more. Jack’d gone quiet, but his muscles were strainin’ to hold still, those beautiful ass cheeks clenched, thigh muscles tremblin’.

Ennis ran a hand down one cheek and thigh, and Jack moaned, a full-out moan this time. Ennis brought the hand back, ran it light down his other flank, watched Jack’s hips rise to meet it, pushed another finger in right at that moment. Jack’s back was shiny with sweat now, accenting the muscle, muscle that flexed as Jack writhed around those fingers.

Ennis ran his hand up now, pressed down on the small of Jack’s back, pinning him in place, while those two fingers sought their target and – “Ahh!” Jack groaned, a deep groan as came from pleasure not to be denied, pleasure as made a man groan despite himself. Ennis wondered if he could make Jack spill just like this, thought maybe he could, but Jack must’ve sensed his thoughts in that way he did, ‘cause Jack grated out, “yer cock, Ennis, now. Fuck! Gonna make me come like this.” Ennis wanted to so bad, why hadn’t he ever done that before, watchin’ like this, seein’ the beauty of Jack’s body under him, feelin’ the power of playin’ with him like this, lovin’ those muscles and the sweat and the clench around his fingers.

And why not say it, just a little of it, couldn’t he be man enough to at least do that, so Ennis twisted his fingers one last time before pullin’ them out, got one last “Christ” and a deep moan, said into Jack’s ear, “want to so bad, Jack, make you come like that, gonna do that soon, you look so - .” But he couldn’t finish the sentence, ‘cause he’d brought his cock to Jack’s hole and pushed a little, and the world was blackin’ out ‘round the edges, the feelin’ was so sweet and hot, he could die right here.

Now he was the one sayin’ “fuck,” then “Oh God,” and Jack was pantin’ hard, right on the edge too, then Ennis was thrustin’ in, didn’t need to slick himself, Jack was wet and Ennis had slick already, so much, and Ennis couldn’t see no more house, no more lantern light, no more Jack even, just could feel that tight heat clenchin’ ‘round him, hear Jack moanin’ under him, smell that scent of Jack sweat and sex, manly and strong.

Then Ennis heard Jack’s voice, hoarse and hot, sayin’ “do it Ennis, like the first time,” and Ennis was lost, pushin’ in hard, haulin’ Jack’s hips up for a better angle, Jack comin’ with him willin’. Then Ennis was pullin’ out and crashin’ in, pushin’ in so deep, and Jack was meetin’ him every thrust, pushin’ back for more, not sayin’ words any more, but just sayin’ nonsense and moanin’, then yellin’ when Ennis snaked his hand ‘round, somehow findin’ Jack’s cock, oh god so hard and heavy in his hand, always loved that cock. Then Ennis was poundin’ into him and Jack was yellin’, head flung back, come shootin’ all over Ennis’ hand, Jack convulsin’ in Ennis arms, around his dick, and Ennis was comin’, comin’ into Jack so hard he was gonna die, shootin’ and shootin’ so deep felt like they’d never come undone, yellin’ out his ecstasy into Jack’s hair, then collapsin’ on top of Jack, still inside, never gonna leave, never comin’ away.

After a long time of blackness, buried in Jack’s hair, golden light started slowly flickerin’ into Ennis’ sight. He tightened his arms ‘round Jack, roused himself to kiss his nape again, slid carefully out, slid carefully off, arms and legs still ‘round him. Jack was still and silent.

Ennis whispered, “Ya’ okay?” and Jack nodded, then turned his head towards Ennis, huffed out a chuckle. “I’d say so. Jesus Christ.”

Ennis nodded. “Yeah. Doesn’t seem ta’ go away.”

“Nope. Stronger, even.” Jack looked away, looked afraid he’d said too much tonight.

Ennis thought on what they’d said to each other at that Texas cabin. Wasn’t like they hadn’t said a lot, but it didn’t seem to get much easier for either of them. Still - . “Yup. Stronger fer sure.” Jack turned his face back. Ennis swallowed. “Never felt nothin’ like it, Jack.” Now Ennis had to look away.

Jack nuzzled at his cheek with his own. “Hey.”

Ennis looked back at him. Jack’s eyes were open, clear. Ennis’ heart twisted, his chest felt tight. He wanted to tell Jack, to say the things he’d been thinkin’ on. But his throat was clenched tight, his heart beatin’ fast, he was afraid. Fear again, goddamnit. Wasn’t like Jack didn’t already know, but still, words was powerful.

Jack smiled, moved his body a little, and Ennis moved his, and they were still wrapped together, arms and legs ‘round each other, but not quite so close. Jack said, “think we wrecked this sleepin’ bag under me,” and Ennis laughed, lovin’ the feelin’ of laughter bubblin’ up from inside.

“Now whose fault is that, Jack, huh?” Jack laughed, happy out loud laugh, and Ennis chuckled too. “Maybe we should give it to yer momma to wash.”

Jack cackled. “Not in this life. My momma -. Fuck. That’s an image.” Jack turned onto his back, grimacing when he hit the wet spot, reachin’ for Ennis and pullin’ him on top of his chest. “How is my momma? “

“Yer momma.” Ennis felt a smile curl on his face. “Yer momma’s good. She’s always doin’ for me. She misses you, Jack. I think she misses you a lot. Too good a person to say it, though, make you feel bad.”

Jack kissed the top of Ennis’ head. “Yeah. Why I come ta’ visit. Sure ain’t ta’ see the old man.”

Ennis rubbed his cheek against Jack’s chest. Felt so good, smelt good too, Jack warm under him like this. He could rest against that skin forever, never want for more. “Yup, can see that. Still, he is yer daddy.”

Jack’s voice was bitter. “Just ‘cause yer spunk made a kid don’t mean yer a daddy. Takes more’n that.”

Ennis turned his head up, lifted his neck a little, brushed his lips on Jack’s, settled back down onto his chest. “Hmm. I think he misses you too. Regrets some things.”

Jack’s voice got hard. “That man don’t regret nothin’, ‘cept havin’ me for his son. I weren’t never what he wanted.”

Ennis stroked Jack’s arm. “Not sure what he says bears much relation to what he thinks. Strikes me that way, but I don’ know. Bastard, fer sure. Just not sure which kind.”

Ennis felt Jack’s muscles tensing underneath him. He cleared his throat. “Well, anyway, I think - . I think yer momma knows. ‘Bout you. ‘Bout us, even.”

Jack snorted. “Nah, ain’t no way. She’s country raised, gets three channels on the t.v. at best, reads the local rag. I’m married, got Bobby. She’s got no conception.”

Now it was Ennis’ turn to snort. “Think what ya’ want, Jack. I’m tellin’ ya’, she knows. Every time you call, she leaves ta’ do somethin’.”

“Aw, she’s just givin’ you privacy.”

Ennis raised up on an elbow, looked down into Jack’s face. “Tell me this, Mr. Know It All, why the hell would two guys as is fishin’ buddies, one guy helpin’ run the ranch, need privacy? Ta’ talk ‘bout crop rotation? Breedin’ the stock?” Ennis snorted into Jack’s face. “Well, at any rate, she’s somethin’ else. Always puttin’ out dessert before dinner. No beans for her. She wants chocolate, that’s what she makes. Got your smile.” Ennis felt a warm flush on his cheeks, realizin’ what he’d let out, looked off to the corner of the room for a minute before he could look back.

Jack’d cracked a grin. “My smile, huh? Maybe I got hers.”

Ennis rolled his eyes. “What I meant. Forget it.”

Jack’s eyes went all warm, and his hand went up to cradle the side of Ennis’ face. His voice came out soft. “I don’t need no sweet talk, but I sure ain’t opposed ta’ it.”

Ennis grunted, lay down on Jack again. “Yeah, well, don’t get used ta’ it.” He squeezed his arms righter ‘round Jack though, same time as he said it, and Jack laughed into his hair, so he knew Jack understood.

Ennis felt sleep startin’ to nip at his edges, he’d been up since before five a.m. and it must be close on to midnight now, but he had a question, big question, layin’ on his heart, so he took a breath and asked it. “Why you here anyway, Jack?”

Jack brought a hand to Ennis’ hair, started twistin’ the curls around his ear and on his nape. “Couldn’t help it.”

“What d’ya mean?”

“When I figured out ya’ really came, ya’ were really here - . “ Jack stopped talkin’. Ennis raised up on his elbow again, tried to catch Jack’s eyes. Jack was lookin’ off to the corner of the room, a corner lost in the shadows left dark by the lantern’s circle of light.

“Jack.” Ennis’ pitched his voice soft.

Jack turned back, looked Ennis in the face, not hidin’ the feelin’ in his eyes. “At first, I couldn’t really believe it. I mean, it really seemed impossible. Then I thought it wouldn’t last, you wouldn’t last a day with my daddy, or knowin’ what people might think. So I didn’t let myself really believe it, I guess.”

Now Ennis had to look to those shadowed corners, swallow over the guilt he’d carry with him the rest of his life. Jack’s voice fell to a whisper. “When ya’ were still here, when I knew you were buildin’ this house, I – I didn’t know what ta’ do.” Jack breathed out a laugh. “Still don’t, I guess. Still think any minute, ya’ might take off.”

Ennis kept his gaze steady, nodded a fraction, said “don’t intend to, but understand ya’ sayin’ it.”

“Anyone said faggot yet?” Jack’s voice caught a little on the word.

Ennis winced, hated himself for it. “Nah. But you and I both know that kinda thing could get goin’ good and proper any time. With just me here, it’s not so bad. Coupla people asked questions ‘bout it.” Ennis pressed his lips together. “They seemed fine with the we’re old friends, me needin’ a place, reason.”

Jack nodded. “So you get it, that this might not be the real test. Real test might be if I ever came up here. Ta’ live.”

“I get it, allright. You bet.” Ennis knew his face was grim, but his heart was leapin’ on the picture Jack’s words painted, him comin’ here to live.

“Not that this ain’t been a test. Worse than a test. More important than a test.” Jack’s voice softened. “More amazin’ than anythin’ you ever done.”

“Then why’re you here?” Ennis was up on his elbow again, lookin’ down into Jack’s face.

Jack looked right at him this time. “Here because it just didn’t seem right, you doin’ this, and me not comin’ t’at least let you know I got it. What you done. What you’re doing. Didn’t want ta’ string ya’ along just for the sake of it, you not knowing I appreciated it.”

Ennis felt that empty ache, the one he felt every day, rise up strong inside him. He pressed his lips together tight against the feelin’, nodded sharp.

Jack ‘s eyes took on a haunted look. “You really stayin’, Ennis? Fer good, I mean? How will I know if ya’ can go the distance?”

Ennis knew there was stuff Jack wasn’t sayin’, stuff he was figurin’ out ‘bout his life, he could tell. How could he know he could go the distance, when he hadn’t been really tested yet? He wanted Jack here with an ache that was real, was in his bones. Did he know, for absolute certain, he could do it? ‘Cause Jack couldn’t take no more of Ennis’ shit, even Ennis could see Jack wasn’t doin’ too well, getting’ that look ‘round his eyes like that again.

“I think.” Ennis had to clear his throat. Jack’s eyes were troubled. “I think I ain’t lettin’ this go again. Ain’t lettin’ go. “ He took a breath. “I’ll be here. Ain’t gonna lie, Jack, I know it’s been easy so far, bound to get harder. If you can call what I done so far easy. “ Ennis looked out to the dark corners of the room, thinkin’ on Riverton, and the girls and woman he’d had to tell this to there. Thinkin’ on his pride, and havin’ to tell people, over and over, how he was movin’ to his friend’s place. Ennis remembered the lonely nights, the lookin’ at the road for Jack to come. He cleared his throat again. “And this thing – well, I’ve thought on it, and it’s not goin’ away, not fer me.”

“This thing.” Jack’s voice was flat.

Ennis reached out a hand, cradled Jack’s cheek, whispered, “this thing as calls me to ya’.” Jack’s eyes were deep and dark, shocked lookin’ now.

“I want this, Ennis.” Jack’s voice was the softest whisper. “I want this more’n I want ta’ say. Why I agreed to it. But I never thought - .” Ennis put his forehead down to Jack’s, Jack havin’ trouble keepin’ the tremble out of his voice. “I never thought you’d be able ta’ do it. Knew you wanted to, knew you meant to, seemed impossible you’d actually do it.”

Ennis nodded, there with his forehead right on Jack’s. “Wasn’t easy. Tellin’ Alma - .”

Ennis felt Jack’s forehead crinkle. “You told Alma?”

“Yup. Said sorry, too.”

“We were so young, so scared, we didn’t know any other way.”

Ennis nodded. “That’s true. But that don’t mean I didn’t hurt her, hurt her bad. Took a lot of years from her life.”

Jack pulled Ennis down now, cradled him on his chest in their old way. “I’m impressed ya’ told Alma. She treat you allright?”

“Yeah.” Ennis sighed. “I hurt her bad, Jack, can’t deny that. She put up a fuss ‘bout the girls, but it wasn’t nothin’. She – she wanted to know had I even tried not to be like this.”

“What did you say?”

Ennis snorted. “Told her I’d spent my whole life tryin’ ta’ not be like this, all that’d done was cause a world of hurt to lots o’ folks.” His voice might have trembled a little there at the end, but this was Jack, so it was allright.

Jack just drew his arms tighter ‘round Ennis and squeezed, put a soft kiss in his hair.

When Ennis lifted his head again to look at Jack, he could see Jack was fadin’ out now, eyes closin’ every few seconds. Ennis could tell he was fightin’ exhaustion. “You drive straight through, Jack?”

“Yeah. Stopped twice.”

“You need ta’ sleep. I gotta get up before first light, see ta’ the ranch.”

Jack’s eyes were shut, but he smiled a little. “It’s a ranch now?”

Ennis said, “guess so. Big enough. Jack.”

“Hmm?”

“What’re you gonna do tomorrow?”

Jack chuckled. “Just show up I guess. Ain’t none of their business.”

Ennis sighed. “Jack, ain’t no profit in rubbin’ their face in it. Just act like you was drivin’ all night.”

“I ain’t stayin’ in their house.”

“I remember. Stayin’ in the cat piss pup tent.”

“You remember everythin’ I ever said?”

“Yup, pretty much.”

“So what do ya’ think I should do?”

“Say you just got here, go take a shower, stay in their house at night. Stay there this time. When the house is finished, and you come visit, won’t look as funny fer you ta’ stay here.”

Jack looked mad, then a glint came into his eye. “I’ve got a better idea.”

Ennis rolled his eyes. “Oh, shit, a Jack Twist idea. Great. What?”

Jack smirked. “I’m gonna take you out on the town tomorrow night.”

“There ain’t no town.” Ennis was smirkin’ himself now.

“That’s the point. We’ll tell ‘em when we get ta’ drinkin’ and talkin’ and all, could be out all night.” Jack was grinnin’.

“You remember that?”

“I remember ‘most everythin’ too, Ennis. I have a place I wanna take you, anyway.”

“Oh hell. Jack Twist wants ta’ take me somewhere. Ain’t it enough I moved out here? Now I gotta go somewhere else with you?”

Jack chuckled. “You complainin’ already? Ain’t the service good enough ‘round here? I’ve been here a coupla hours and you’re already bitchin’ at me?”

Ennis was laughin’ all out now. “Yeah. I’m bitchin’ at you. What’re ya’ gonna do about it?”

Jack started laughin’ too, sweetest sound to Ennis’ ears.

After a bit their laughter died down, and Ennis had to kiss those lips again, murmured after a long sweet dive into Jack’s mouth, “sweeter than wine.”

Jack said, “huh?”

Ennis said, “nothin’.”

Jack grunted, and Ennis asked “How long ya’ gonna be here, Jack?” Ennis hated himself for askin’, but couldn’t help it.

“Got a few days. Five or six maybe.”

“Hmm.” Ennis squeezed Jack tight, silencin’ the questions pushin’ at his mouth.

Jack snugged even closer, seemed to read Ennis thoughts. “I came for a bunch o’ reasons. All of ‘em bearin’ on you.”

An arrow of fear lanced Ennis. “You ain’t - ?” His voice got choked.

“Ain’t what?” Jack pulled his eyes open.

Ennis felt embarrassment wash through him. Why’d his traitor mouth have to go and reveal his weaknesses. Weak like some woman over Jack. “Nothin’.”

His voice musta come out harsh, ‘cause Jack’s eyes were all the way open now. “How m’I supposed ta’ know what ya’ got goin’ on in that thick skull o’yers if ya’ don’t tell me?”

Ennis looked at the lantern, still castin’ its warm glow ‘round the room, took a breath, said to the lantern, “whether you want me gone. Why else would ya’ come so soon, can’t be good news. Good news never comes early.”

Jack laughed, right in his face. “You make that sayin’ up on the spot?” Jesus, Ennis, yer the worst pessimist I ever knew. You think I’d come here, and – and have ya’ screw me, then tell ya’ after somethin’ like that?”

Ennis felt the heat on his own face. “I guess – nah, ‘course not. It’s just – I’m not used ta’ this, Jack. You were always the one - .” Ennis swallowed.

“Waitin’ on you.” Jack finished his sentence, not hidin’ the bitterness still there.

Ennis nodded slow.

Jack grimaced. “Ain’t gonna turn it ‘round on you, Ennis, told ya’ that, don’t wanna make you suffer like me, ain’t no point. It’s just – it’s all so new, I’m sortin’ some stuff out. Some o’ why I came, ta’ talk ta’ you about it.”

Ennis nodded. “I suffered too durin’ that time, Jack, you know that, right? I – every day. Not sayin’ I did right, but you know how I felt?”

Jack nodded. “I know it, I get that.”

Ennis lay his head down again. “Allright then. You should sleep. Lotsa time ta’ talk.”

Jack stroked Ennis’ hair, and Ennis felt him nod. His voice came exhausted into Ennis’ ear, barest whisper on the verge of sleep. “Our house is beautiful.”

Ennis’ heart leapt. He snugged his head tighter under Jack’s chin and let himself drift into sweet sleep. He didn’t think no nightmares were comin’ tonight.

(Continued in next Chapter)


	2. Chapter 2

Ennis eased up off the sleepin’ bags, stoppin’ to look back over his shoulder at Jack. Sleep had eased that worried look, smoothed the wrinkles startin’ ‘round his eyes. Ennis wanted to reach down and kiss his face, take him in his arms and never let go, but life wasn’t like that, wasn’t so simple. You couldn’t undo twenty years in a coupla’ months, couldn’t never take the words back that you said makin’ fun, take back times you weren’t there for someone. Feelin’ rose up in Ennis so tender, seein’ Jack here, in this house, next to him, he wanted to erase all the bad, envelope him in good, never let nothin’ hurt him again. If the world would let him, that’s what he would do. Just needed to get Jack here, needed to get Jack comin’ home to Ennis.

It was past hard to leave, but he did it, ‘cause he had a job to do. He slid into the Twists’ house quiet, needin’ a shower bad this mornin’, came down feelin’ a bit more awake, bolted a cup of coffee before he’d even sat down. John Twist was already eating, looked up sharp when Ennis walked in. Ennis grunted out “slept late. Haven’t seen ta’ the stock yet. Grabbin’ this and runnin’.”

Twist nodded. “Storm was pretty bad. Damage up there?”

“Not to speak of. Strike hit that old oak. No fire.”

Evelyn looked up from spreadin’ preserves on her toast. “You allright? Musta shook ya’ up.” Her eyes were piercin’, seemed to linger on Ennis’ face longer than normal.

“I’m fine. Just ‘bout scared the – the stuffin’ out o’me, gotta admit.”

John Twist laughed, not somethin’ you heard every day. “I can imagine. I remember one time when I was a kid, I was horsin’ around, tryin’ to ride on this ornery ol’ bull we had in the pasture, when a storm come up. Bull had more sense than me, got down in a ditch. I near got my balls fried off, hunkerin’ under a tree.”

“John!” Evelyn looked angry, not just the pretend kind she sometimes did.

“So you always was interested in ridin’ the bulls, then?” Ennis chewed his egg, fast, eye toward hurryin’ on toward the work he was late for.

“Yeah.” Twist grimaced. “Goofed off a lot, my daddy couldn’t beat no sense into me. Headed off fer the rodeo soon as I could get out o’ there. “

Ennis swallowed some biscuit. “You were a champion or somethin’, Jack told me.”

Twist looked up sharp. “Jack told you that?” He looked surprised.

“Yes, sir, sure did. Said his daddy was a famous bullrider or somethin’.”

Twist stared at Ennis a minute, then took a swallow of coffee. “Yeah, well, Jack always did make things over into things they weren’t. I was a pissant rider on a local circuit.”

Ennis considered, said soft, “To a boy, whatever his daddy done seems big.”

“Hmph.” Twist pushed back his chair. “So what do we gotta do ta’ make up fer you lazin’ ‘round in bed this mornin’?”

Ennis felt a blush rise on his face, tried to fight it back.

Evelyn’s voice came sharp. “John, stop it. You yourself said just this morning that Ennis is the hardest workin’ man you’ve ever known.”

Ennis felt his face grow warmer still. John Twist coughed. “Yeah, well, that’s so. Don’t excuse lyin’ in till all hours.”

“No, it don’t.” Ennis wiped his face, pushed back his chair. “You’re right about that. Gotta check fer damage, first of all, to the buildins’ and to the stock, gotta -.” Ennis voice stopped cold.

Jack was standin’ in the doorway to the kitchen, big smile on his face. Seein’ him here like that, in the light of day, took Ennis’ breath away for a minute. He hadn’t been prepared, he’d thought Jack’d stay abed another few hours at least, give Ennis time ta’ prepare ta’ see him here. Jack looked – he looked handsome as a man that age could be, which was as handsome as one could get. He looked perky, his hair was smoothed, he had on clean clothes, and it seemed like he’d given himself a sponge bath or somethin’, ‘cause he was sort of shiny lookin’. His jeans clung tight to those legs, legs that –

Shit. Ennis’d thought it would be hours before Jack would show. He hadn’t been takin’ care like he shoulda, and he could feel the flush rise higher on his face, from seein’ Jack like that, sudden. Hadn’t even seen him proper yet, last night bein’ stormy and dark. Though seein’ Jack lit by lantern glow weren’t nothin’ to be complainin’ about.

Ennis caught himself again, looked ta’ see if anyone had noticed. Evelyn and Jack was huggin’, huggin’ tight, and John - . Thanks be, John was standin’ close ta’ them, lookin’ at Jack and his momma, arms crossed, nasty expression on his face. After a while Jack pulled back from Evelyn, nodded to his father, then to Ennis. “Dad. Ennis.” John grunted, pushed past him to go outside, said back over his shoulder, “could use yer’ help today, if you don’t need no beauty rest.”

Jack looked after him, mad warrin’ with beaten down on his face, but just pressed his lips together.

Ennis realized he was supposed ta’ act like he hadn’t seen Jack yet, so he said, “hi, Jack.”

Jack got a little smile at that, said, “hi, Ennis.” He turned ta’ his momma, said, “so, what’s fer breakfast, momma?” and her face brightened. Good thing, because she’d been lookin’ back and forth between the two of them pretty knowing.

Ennis headed out after Twist ta’ start their rounds. He seemed even sourer than normal, mouth drawn up tight, gruntin’ a word once in a while. Didn’t really bother Ennis none, him bein’ used ta’ workin’ with noncommunicative types.

A bit later, Ennis was on his own in the barn, saddlin’ up his favorite mare ta’ go check the far acreage. Ennis turned to see Jack in the doorway, leaned up real smooth against the frame. Damn the man was fine. Hadn’t noticed last night, but it even looked like Jack’d lost a bit o’ that stomach. Hoped it wasn’t on account of what Ennis was puttin’ him through, though odds were, it was.

Jack musta seen the appreciation in Ennis’ eye, ‘cause he tipped his hat back and slouched even hotter against the doorframe, looked Ennis real bold in the eye and said, ‘goin’ somewhere, cowboy?”

Ennis said, “Jack!” but Jack just laughed, got a saddle and bridle and started preparin’ the roan as was Ennis’ second favorite, since Cigar was out of commission for this kind of work, though he seemed ta’ be healin’ perfect. Jack always did have a good eye for horses.

Jack said, “comin’ with ya. Wanna see if my hired man’s any good.” Jack had a big ol’ twinkle in his eye now, and all Ennis wanted ta’ do was tackle him ta’ the ground and -. Shit. Jack was laughin’ full out at Ennis now, then calmed a bit and said, “sorry. Shouldn’t tease ya’.”

Ennis grunted. “Don’t worry, I’ll get ya’ back.”

Jack came up close, stuck his tongue between lips like he did. “That a promise?”

Ennis’ heart soared with the fun of bein’ with Jack, the joy of Jack comin’ ta’ see him. “You bet.”

Looked like Jack was ‘bout ta’ kiss Ennis right then and there, and Ennis felt himself move forward toward Jack, drawn by that tide as always pulled at him. Jacks lips were right there, wantin’ ta’ be taken, wantin’ ta’ take, soft n’warm, but hard and strong at the same time. The roan whinnied, and both of them stopped at the same time, a foot or so apart, no more. Jack shook his head, took a step back, said, “let’s get goin’.”

They got on them horses and started ridin’, Ennis leadin’ for now, tryin’ ta’ bring his mind back from Jack ta’ the work at hand. After they’d rode a bit, Jack slowed his mount, turned her around and whistled. They were on a piece of land that rose just a little from the flat, givin’ them a view of the Twists’ house and outbuildins’, plus a lot of the land close by. The upper acreage was off to the north, and the house Ennis was buildin’ was visible too. “Jesus, Ennis, I knew you’d do wonders, but this is a god damned miracle. Cain’t believe what you’ve done in two months. Never seen the place look so good.”

Ennis looked around, really looked, at the part of the ranch spread out before him. Buildins’ had been painted and re-roofed, the fence was mended for miles out, the area ‘round the Twists’ house was mowed, the driveway cleared. Even better, they’d made good progress on sortin’ out the stock, figurin’ out what they had. Ennis was still sortin’ out paperwork ‘bout the cattle drives and the allotments, but he was makin’ progress.

Ennis felt proud, a new feelin’ of proud as came from workin’ hard on somethin’ ya’ felt part of, felt in charge of, almost, but he just said, “fifty eight days.”

“What?”

“How long I’ve been here.”

Jack shot Ennis one of them soft looks, said, “fifty eight days,” turned and rode to the west. Ennis followed, but hung back a bit, not makin’ no bones ‘bout watchin’ Jack’s easy seat in the saddle, long legs grippin’ just right, even out of practice like he must be. Jack looked damn fine on a horse, always had, and he looked like it agreed with him, too, lookin’ ‘round at the open country surroundin’ them, breathin’ deep.

“Man can breathe out here,” Jack commented.

Jack turned sudden, caught Ennis with his head cocked a little ta’ one side ta’ see Jack better, grinned a heartbreakin’ grin and said, “sure is fine ta’’ be outside again.” Jack breathed in deep again, looked to the distant mountains. “Sure feels fine ta’ not be sittin’ at some desk, or sittin’ in some combine with some fat rancher.”

Ennis looked at Jack. “You think ya’ could ever ranch again, Jack?”

Jack gave Ennis a smoky look. “Could if the company was right, cowboy.”

Ennis chuckled. “Don’t know as you’ve got what it takes any more. We’re lookin’ fer problems from the storm.”

“Yes, sir.” Jack grinned, clucked ta’ the roan, horse lookin’ happy ta’ have him on board.

They spent most of the mornin’ tourin’ the most vulnerable parts of the ranch. Watchin’ Jack ridin’ so fine next to him, just like all them times in all them mountains, had done stuff ta’ Ennis’ heart. His dick, too, truth be known.

They got off to walk along some far fence, fix a temporary solution ta’ the gaping hole as could let cattle through. Hole wasn’t from no lightning, just a beaten down patch no one had gotten to yet. After they crimped some wire ‘round a post and fastened some fallen sections back up, Jack was kneelin’ to finish the securin’ down low to the ground. Sure looked fine kneelin’ like that.

Seemed not ta’ matter they’d come apart in each other’s arms last night so hard, Ennis felt the longin’ rise up strong. Maybe made it worse, the havin’ Jack’s skin under his fingers last night, his mouth under his.

Jack turned right then, caught Ennis in what musta been a look as showed what he was thinkin’ on, ‘cause Jack straightened to a stand, leaned back real fine against that fence, certain look in his eye, licked his lips, looked around the empty prairie, fixed his eyes on Ennis’ crotch. Ennis took a few steps, no conscious effort, towards Jack, and then they were right up close.

Ennis felt an urge so strong ta’ just go down on his knees there in the dirt, take Jack in his mouth. He felt saliva actually rise up, could almost feel that cock’s smooth length between his lips, his tongue curlin’ ‘round. Couldn’t imagine there’d been a time when he tried to hide them desires from himself. His eyes went to the front of Jack’s jeans.

Jack said “Ennis” real throaty and Ennis knew he’d been lickin’ his lips and starin’ and Jack’d seen, Jack’d known. Ennis stared into Jack’s face bold and Jack was shakin’ his head, and his eyes were that stormy sea.

Enis stopped himself from movin’ closer to Jack. “Shit. We caint.” Somehow it came out a question, though. Ridiculous what this man did to him.

Jack shoved his hat back, sighed, nodded. “Yeah. Let’s get goin’ early with that trip out on the town.”

By force of will, Ennis made his feet move to the stretch of fence next to Jack, leaned back against it himself, keepin’ a couple feet or more between ‘em. “Told ya’ Jack, ain’t really no town.”

Jack just smiled. “Takin’ ya’ somewhere, I told ya’.”

Charlie came up just then, swingin’ off his horse, comin’ in from checkin’ the northwest section. Jack shot Ennis a look, a look as said he was glad they’d not done what they’d both wanted, out here where anyone could walk up anytime. Charlie talked with them a while, givin’ Ennis the information he needed. He was proud of Charlie: he’d worked all night, and Ennis could see his pride, though he was a bit shy, reportin’ in front of the owner’s son. Jack was watchin’ pretty close.

Jack gave Charlie’s back an appraisin’ look as he rode away. “I think that boy’s sweet on you, Ennis.”

“Mm. I think I took care of it, though.”

Jack grinned and whistled. He is sweet on ya. What did ya’ do ta’ him, Ennis? You didn’t hurt him?”

Ennis ducked his head. “Nah. Just told him the facts o’ life.”

Jack leaned sideways to catch a glance at Ennis’ face. “Now that I woulda liked to hear. What did ya’ tell him?”

Ennis looked up. “He’s nineteen, Jack.”

“Jesus.”

“Yeah.” Ennis nodded.

“Yeah. Jack looked thoughtful. Cain’t believe we were ever that young. He’s still here, though, ya’ cain’t’ve been too hard on him.” Jack had a question in his eyes.

Ennis sighed. “I told him it was dangerous, don’t ever touch another fella if he hasn’t touched him first.”

Jack laughed out loud, turned to face Ennis, put his hands on his hips. “Glad no one told me that before I met you, Ennis del Mar.”

Ennis felt his own mouth curl up into a half smile, no doubt remembrin’ the same thing as Jack was remembrin’, Jack grabbin’ Ennis’ hand like that and pullin’ it over on his hard dick, rubbin’ there for a few scant seconds. Fakin’ sleep or no, it’d been bold of Jack indeed, Ennis’ reaction as likely to have been a fist or worse as what it ended up being.

Ennis moved a little closer to Jack again, turned to face him, let the fond show in his smile. “Me too, Jack fuckin’ Twist.” The smile Jack flashed back would’ve powered that whole Star Wars missile system. After they’d grinned at each other like idiots for a bit, Ennis added, “ I told him – not someone old like me, and even if I was interested, I wouldn’t be interested in someone his age. Had to, ‘cause everythin’ else I said wasn’t fixin’ it.”

“That was the right thing ta’ do.” Jack gave Ennis a proud look.

Ennis chuckled. “I gave him money for a ticket for Laramie, Fourth of July weekend, told him it was from your dad.”

“Ha!” Jack chortled at that thought. “I’m impressed. You did good, Ennis. Boy still has a crush on you, though that’s understandable.”

“Yeah, well this whole fuckin’ county’s full o’queers – “ Ennis rolled his eyes at Jack’s disapprovin’ look – “far as I can tell. Hittin’ on a guy right and left.”

Jack leaned his side on the fence so he was lookin’ straight at Ennis. “Do tell. Someone else been hittin’ on you?”

“Ah. It’s nothin’. All straightened out. ” Ennis headed over to his mare and fiddled with her stirrups.

“No really, Ennis, I think I wanna know.” Jack was behind Ennis now.

Ennis turned toward Jack, cleared his throat. “Just this guy, Glen, nice enough fella’, manly, wouldn’t even suspect, if you need ta’ know so bad.”

“I know Glen. Fuck. Good lookin’ guy, younger’n us by a bit. He comin’ on to you?” Jack’s hands were on his hips. His forehead was crinkled into a frown.

Ennis felt his lip quirk up despite himself “Jack, you – you jealous?”

“Nah.” Jack shook his head. “It’s just – doesn’t he get it?”

“Get what, Jack?” Ennis let his smile show now, but Jack appeared not ta’ see.

“You’re here ‘cause o’me, you’re --.” Jack cut himself off.

“I’m what, Jack?” Ennis let his voice show just a little of his feelin’.

Jack turned away, looked off to the north where the land spread flat, far as the eye could see. “I know it’s ridiculous. Got no right. Last person in the world as has a right.”

Ennis stepped up to Jack, said low and quiet, “or the only one that does.”

Jack turned to face Ennis, forehead crinkled, eyes troubled. “How you stood it, Ennis?”

Ennis looked off to the north himself now, swallowed, looked back into Jack’s troubled face.

“I ain’t stood it. Tryin’ ta’ fix it.”

Jack nodded slow. “Got stuff ta’ tell ya’.” Jack looked around, gestured to their bodies standin’ stiff near their mounts. “Not now, not here?”

Ennis nodded. Weren’t no time and place ta’ be discussin’ Jack’s screwin’ around with other guys, if that’s where this was headed. Ennis swallowed. “Allright then. Later.”

Jack nodded, looked around quickly, ran the finger of one hand lightly over Ennis’ cheek, swung effortlessly onto the roan. They covered as much ground as they could, ridin’ in tandem like the old days, checkin’ for storm damage.

They headed back for lunch and Ennis saw Lisa's truck parked at the barn off in the distance. “Hold up a minute, Jack.” Jack brought his horse up next ta’ Ennis’. “Jack, forgot ta’ tell you, I’m kinda getting’ ta’ know these gals, Lisa’s the vet, and Bonnie, says she knew you before here, she’s a carpenter and all.”

Jack whistled. “Bonnie? Sure I remember her. Sweet little gal. She’s the carpenter lady? Last I knew, she was off ta’ Montana, married with kids. Met ‘em one summer even. How’s her kids?”

“Don’t know. She’s here, they’re not. Not a good story I think. Not her fault probably.”

Jack looked at Ennis harder. “You seem ta’ know a lot about her.”

Jack effortlessly handled the roan’s impatience to be getting back to food, and Ennis spared a moment ta’ admire the way he sat a saddle so fine. When Jack had her all settled back down again, Ennis said, “Yup. Been ta’ their house a coupla times fer supper and all.”

Jack furrowed his forehead. “Ennis, ya’ seein’ one o’ them?”

Ennis shook his head. “Ain’t seein’ no more women.” Ennis waved a hand to the ranch all around them, running far as the eye could see to distant horizons. "How could ya’ think that now?” It came out a little sharp, probably on his feeling that Jack should know that by now.

Jack shrugged. “Wouldn’t be the first time.” Ennis could see the hurt, but he couldn’t help himself, let his mouth quirk a little, brought the mare closer to Jack’s horse.

“Jack. They’re - .” Ennis went ta’ make a gesture, but couldn’t think what it would be. “They’re together.”

Jack’s eyebrows raised. “And you’ve eaten dinner at their house?”

Ennis nodded, shrugged.

Jack narrowed his eyes. “They know ‘bout us?”

Ennis’ head nodded. He couldn’t get no words out.

“You told them?”

Ennis’ head nodded again. He spared a quick glance ta’ Jack, who had his mouth open. “Whut?”

“Nothin’. Think I’ll meet this Lisa now.” He clucked and rode ahead of Ennis down ta’ the barn, swung off the horse in a liquid movement as did embarrassin’ things ta’ Ennis’ insides. His insides were a little roiled thinkin’ on Jack talkin’ ta’ Lisa, too, but he shouldn’t have worried. When he went in the barn, they was chattin’ regular as everythin’, Jack askin’ on Bonnie, then the health o’ the horses and stock.

They was into it so good, Jack seemin’ ta’ know a lot still ‘bout the Twists’ animals, that Ennis just leaned on the wall o’ the barn and just appreciated listenin’ to them. Maybe he was doing another kind of appreciatin’, too, ‘cause next he knew, it was quiet, and both of them was lookin’ at him kinda funny. He realized maybe one of them had asked him somethin’. He also realized he’d been starin’ at Jack’s fine back side for most of the last few minutes. Damn. Heat flew into his face.

Jack laughed, but Lisa gave Ennis a long kind look, then just asked the question again. They talked on horses for a bit, and then it was lunchtime, a happy affair with John Twist off on some errand or another and Evelyn all glowin’ from Jack bein’ there. Lisa said she couldn’t stay for lunch, but invited him n’ Jack fer supper later in the week, and it took only a second for Jack n’him ta’ decide yes with their eyes, though Ennis was a little nervous thinkin’ on it.

After lunch, Jack had to sit in his folks’ house fer a bit ta’ look over some papers to do with the mortgage and insurance. “Not that my daddy will admit he wants my opinion, but it’s gotta be done. I been doin’ this kinda stuff at the dealership fer years. Well, me and Lureen.” Every time I come up here, they’ve got more o’ this -.” Jack waved a sheaf of official-lookin’ papers – “that they want me ta’ go over.”

Ennis drove back up to the new house, got some stuff and brought it down to the Twists’ house. John Twist was off on his buyin’ trip somewhere, and there was somethin’ Ennis wanted Jack’s say-so on, though maybe he was makin’ a point, too, since Jack hadn’t exactly been runnin’ to move ta’ Lightnin’ Flat. His stomach felt a little queasy ‘bout the subject matter, but damn, this was the man that’d given him them flowers, though you wouldn’t know it ta’ look at him now, all manly and serious with all them legal papers in front of him.

“Here.” Ennis threw down a handful of paint chips on the desk. “Pick one.”

Jack looked up from the papers, incredulous look on his face. “What?”

“I said, pick one. Bonnie’s after me to choose. Interior for inside, exterior for outside. Thought maybe blue or somethin’ for one of ‘em, but I don’ know, and it turns out there’s ‘bout a thousand colors o’white.”

“Colors o’ white?” Jack’s voice sounded funny.

Ennis tried to explain. “See, there’s eggshell and cream and – shit, I don’ know, tons of ‘em. They’re all different even though they look the same.”

He heard a funny noise, looked down at Jack. Jack had one o’ them smiles he got tuggin’ up at his lips fierce. He looked like he was chokin’ on somethin’.

“Whut?”

Jack laughed right out loud then, a deep belly laugh. “Jesus, Ennis, if anyone’d ever told me you’d be fussin’ over wall colors . . . .”

Ennis pressed his lips together, felt a sickenin’ anger roilin’ in his belly. “Fuck you.” He pulled on his work gloves and strode to the door. “Mistake o’ me to mention it.”

Jack looked over, sharp, put the papers down, stood up and was next to Ennis in three strides. “Ennis, hold on, I was just teasin’.”

“Yeah, well, like I said, fuck you.”

Jack reached a hand towards Ennis, laid it on his arm. Ennis twisted his arm away, feelin’ of shame for thinkin’ ‘bout woman stuff boilin’ up in his mouth like bile, turned to walk out the door.

Jack grabbed for him again, grabbed on tight, lowered his voice to a fierce whisper. “Now listen ta me, Ennis del Mar, I’m tryin’ ta’ apologize. I was bein’ an asshole, okay? Ya’ cain’t go off on me like this every time I screw up.”

Ennis hissed in his face “or what?”

Jack shook his head. “Ain’t no ‘or what,’” what’re ya’ talkin’ about?”

“Just forget it.” Enins tried to pull away, but Jack pulled his sleeve tighter.

Jack was lookin’ at Ennis with a knowin’ look on his face now, said, “Ennis,” all soft, which was even worse.

Ennis felt that anger bubblin’, the anger as always came when he heard his daddy’s voice callin’ him sissy, saw someone look at him funny. This was Jack though, which made it worse, but also made it better. And made it important. Worryin’ ‘bout crap like that was what ended up with Jack lyin’ alone in a ditch.

Ennis took a breath. “Listen, Jack, I need ta’ get outa here right now. Need ta’ take care o’ things ‘round here, get outside. I’ll - .” He swallowed. “I’ll talk ta’ ya’ later ‘bout it. Ain’t runnin’ off fer good, just till later. Need a little time. All right?”

Jack nodded slow, eyebrow up, but in an admirin’ way. He loosened his grip on Ennis’ sleeve. “Yeah. Yeah, guess I can live with that. You go castrate somethin’ or whatever.”

Ennis looked sharp at Jack, but nodded, looked ‘round real fast, then ran his gloved hand quick over Jack’s cheek and went out the door, feelin’ Jack’s considerin’ eyes on him the whole time.

Ennis spent the afternoon with his usual work, Jack workin’ on finances. Saw Jack’s truck take a trip up ta’ the house Ennis was buildin’, then Jack drivin’ back down and catchin’ Ennis by the barn. “Time ta’ go, cowboy. Got some of them bedrolls and stuff. Supper too, sneaked it. Told my momma don’t expect us back, we’ll be drinkin’ and talkin’ and all.” Jack wiggled his eyebrows.

“Jack, I cain’t just up and leave at six o’ clock. All the evenin’ stuff yet to do.”

“Yeah, well, I cut a deal with Charlie, and he’s getting’ Joe and Early ta’ help, too. You been workin’ too hard, need a break.” Jack looked around, lowered his voice. “And I need somethin’ else.”

Ennis tried to frown. “That right?”

“Been a bit deprived.”

Ennis raised an eyebrow, upshootin’ hope surprisin’ him. “That so?”

Jack nodded. “That’s so. Get yer stuff. I ain’t gonna wait all day.”

Ennis grinned. “Yes, sir.”

Jack raised his eyebrow further. “I’m ‘sir’ now?”

Ennis leered. “If ya’ wanna be.”

“Rrrow.” It shouldn’t be possible fer a grown man ta’ make that noise, but Jack sure ‘nuf did, and it sure had an affect on certain parts of Ennis. It’d been so long without Jack, and now here he was, bringin’ that spark he always did, ‘least used ta’, before that spark had started dyin’, ‘cause Ennis saw now that Jack’s spark had been dyin’.

Ennis went and grabbed his coat from the barn, hopped in the truck. “You sure -?”

“Got it all covered. Promise.” Jack gunned the truck down the driveway.

“Where we goin’, Jack?”

“Local place I used ta’ go to. Takes a bit ta’ get there.”

Ennis grunted, let himself close his eyes and lean back on the headrest a bit.

“Ya’ still sore ‘bout that crack I made?”

Ennis cracked an eye, looked at Jack’s fine profile sittin’ right there next ta’ him. “Nah. My fault.”

Jack turned quick ta’ look at Ennis, looked back to the highway, stretchin’ east in front of them. Jack said, “I shoulda thought first. Shoulda known wasn’t a subject ta’ tease ya’ on.”

Ennis grunted. “Don’t want ya’ thinkin’ on every word ya’ say ta’ me. Don’t want it like that.”

Jack flashed his appreciatin’ smile ta’ Ennis, nodded. “All right. Me neither. I can be a dick, you can tell me ta’ fuck off, we can still be friends.” Jack started laughing. “Or at least we can still fuck.”

Ennis chuckled. “You said it. Long as it goes both ways and I can be a dick, too.”

Jack grinned and turned off onto a cut-off road that looked like it wandered over some hills. The terrain was gettin’ dryer and dryer, tall pines spaced further apart, no flowers, just little dry bushes every so often, tufts of tall prairie grass every so often.

“Where the hell we goin’, Jack?”

“Not goin’ ta’ wreck the surprise. Just relax, won’t be long.”

Sure enough, it wasn’t too long till the truck pulled off on a dirt road overgrown with bushes, topped one last hill and came ta’ a stop where the road, such as it was, ended.

Jack turned off the engine, and silence surrounded them. Jack had a little smile, but just went ta’ the back of the truck, threw Ennis some soft stuff ta’ carry, said, “follow me.”

Ennis did follow Jack, pushin’ through more prickly bushes, and within minutes they’d beaten their way into some type of clearing, no grass, but soft earth underneath. Ennis saw Jack starin’ at somethin’, so Ennis looked in the same direction and gasped. Risin’ up out o’ the scrubby dry land was the hugest rock Ennis’d ever seen, or maybe it was a little mountain. Its vertical faces rose almost straight up into the sky, and it towered above them hundreds of feet, must be close to a thousand feet high.

The sun was just slippin’ past the horizon behind them to the west, so the rock was painted with a rosy glow that made it seem like it belonged on some other world. And there was somethin’ familiar about it, somethin’ – “That’s incredible, Jack, what the hell - ?”

“Ya’ ever seen it?” Jack had a shit-eatin’ smile on his face, no doubt.

“Looks familiar, can’t place it.”

“Ya’ seen that movie, Close Encounters?”

“ – of the Third Kind! You bet. That was amazin’, them aliens. Scared Francine, she was in fourth grade or somethin’, she begged me, took her to it in Laramie on her birthday that year it come out.” One of the three times he’d ever been to a movie theater, but he didn’t say that. “Seen it a coupla times on t.v. too. This is that place. The one they all dreamed about.”

“Yeah, sure is. Called Devil’s Tower.” Jack had a sort of – fond – look on his face, lookin’ at Ennis.

Ennis realized he’d been a little excited when he figured out this was that place from the movie, let that show a little, not somethin’ real usual for him. Ennis cleared his throat. “Why ya’ brought me here, Jack?”

“Picnic.” Jack started layin’ out sleepin’ bags, and Ennis laid the blankets he was carryin’ on top.

“Picnic. Jack, it’s almost eight o’clock at night.”

“So?” Jack opened the grocery bag he’d brought, pulled out beers, sat down on the blankets.

Ennis lowered himself to the blankets gingerly. “You sure are a big one fer picnics these days. Ain’t this illegal?”

“So? I never used ta’ care what the rules was when I first met you.”

Ennis smiled. “Good point. What do we do now?”

Jack gave him a look as would melt steel. He had two beer bottles in his one hand, an opener in the other. “I gotta spell it out fer you, cowboy?”

Ennis felt the longin’ rise up fierce, electric charge as always when near Jack. Seemed like he’d been pushin’ that feelin’ down for years, not a single day goin' by without it. And here was Jack, here ta’ see Ennis, come a thousand miles again, and things was like they always was, only different too.

Ennis crawled over ta’ Jack, took them bottles out of his unresistin’ hand and laid them down, took the opener out of the other, threw it off ta’ the side. Ennis grabbed Jack’s now-empty hands with his own, brought his face up close to Jack’s. He wanted ta’ kiss him everywhere, startin’ with that place on his neck, work over ta’ his mouth, then down ta’ -.

“Whatcha doin’?” Jack’s voice was sultry.

Ennis felt his body sway toward Jack’s, whispered into Jack’s mouth, now inches away from his, “anythin’ ya’ want me ta’ be doin’.”

Jack leaned his head forward, nuzzled his nose into Ennis’, whispered, “that an offer?”

Ennis let his lips ghost along the edges of Jack’s ear, whispered, “you bet.”

Jack moaned a little at that, and Ennis let his tongue dart out ta’ lick ‘round the edges of Jack’s ear. Jack sagged under him, he could feel it and Ennis wasn’t sure how much longer he could stay up on his knees –

“Shit.” Ennis breathed out hard ‘cause Jack’s tongue was now tracin’ a line along his chin, his hands grabbin’ Ennis’ and grippin hard. Ennis spared a thought ta’ think ‘bout how they must look, two men together like that, one sittin’ and one kneelin’, though he didn’t think he’d be kneelin’ much longer. He remembered the food they’d brought, thought on how Jack must be hungry, gasped out, “eat first?”

Jack pulled on his hands, pullin’ Ennis down, unresistin’, on top of him, body pressin’ up so fine inta’ Ennis all along his length, bringin’ his mouth up almost ta’ Ennis’, but without touchin’, whispered, “not on yer life. You hungry?”

“Not fer food,” and that did it thank the lord and Jack brought his lips up to Ennis’, and when they touched his the fire leaped up higher inside Ennis, his whole body yearnin’ toward Jack’s. He pressed himself stronger all along Jack underneath him, brought his hands to the sides of Jack’s head like so often before, melted into the hot press of his tongue into Jack and Jack’s tongue into him.

He needed him all over, wanted ta’ feel him everywhere, wanted ta’ kiss him and lick him everywhere, map him out with his tongue and his lips, mark his claim on him good, wanted to run his hands all over him, feel him shakin and buckin’ under him, wanted that dick of Jack’s in his mouth, wanted Jack, wanted Jack any way at all, maybe even Jack inside him, god that had felt like hot lightnin’ inside, scary ta’ open like that, but that’d made the pleasure even more and –

“Ennis.” Jack was sayin’ his name. Ennis opened his eyes. He and Jack were twined together, Ennis with his legs apart, on his back, how had that happened? Jack was lyin’ flush on top of him, and one of Ennis’ legs was curled up ‘round Jack’s back, pullin’ him into him. He could feel their dicks pressin’ up against each other, hard as tempered steel.

Jack’s face was right above his, expression on it Ennis couldn’t figure, Jack restin’ on his elbows ta’ the side of Ennis. Ennis felt a flush wash his face, realizin’ he was all spread out here like a gal, he’d let that new desire take over and Jack could see it clear as day, Ennis losin’ himself like that. God, he was so close ta’ comin’, no clothes off yet, him on the bottom.

Ennis had ta’ look away, look ta’ that huge rock as rose up straight from the ground nearby.

Jack said, “you can look at me now Ennis, I know it, ya’ already did.”

Ennis looked back, saw what he’d never seen in all them years, or he’d seen but not let himself really know. Jack needed Ennis ta’ look at him, really look at him, though he’d never admit it. “Never looked at you from the bottom, Jack.”

Jack had a little smile on his face, but his eyes showed some history of sad.

Ennis fought himself, hard, ta’ keep his eyes on Jack. Better him than Jack, lyin’ facin’ up in death. Besides, the feelin’ he had for Jack –

Jack said low, “does it matter?”

Ennis considered, thinkin’ of the boys they had been, then the men, friends when none was expected, sharin’ laughs, sharin’ this. Ennis brought his hand up ta’ the side of Jack’s check, said, “no. Don’t matter none at all. Just takes some gettin’ used to.”

Jack smiled. “Yeah,” started to roll them over, but Ennis pulled him back with his leg to rest square on top of him again. “I almost spilled like this, Jack, just a minute ago, clothes an’ all.”

Jack rocked his hips down into Ennis and Ennis groaned. “That so?”

Ennis brought his other leg up ‘round Jack’s back deliberate, leaned up and kissed him hard, tongue pushin’ in his mouth, pulled back a little and said, “that’s so.”

“Fuck.” Jack closed his eyes, rocked into Ennis hard. Ennis gasped, closed his eyes.

Jack said, “You sayin’ you want me to do you, Ennis?”

Ennis felt the shame course through him, felt the desire even stronger. He couldn’t help it, he had ta’ look away, but he managed to grit out, “what I was thinkin’ on.”

“Oh, fuck.” Jack was pantin’, thrustin’ down into Ennis, grabbin’ his hands and pinnin’ them to the blanket above his head. Ennis let his hands be held, let his body relax as much as it could. This was Jack. That’s all he needed to be thinkin’.

Then Jack’s mouth was at his ear. “First time was gentle.” Jack took a deep breath. “Second time --.” Jack hesitated. “Second time, rough. Third time – third time ya’ do this, I wanna make ya’ see stars. Feel what this can be. Is. To me.”

Ennis arched his back into Jack, bolt of fire coursin’ through him, shoved his tongue into Jack’s mouth, and then Jack’s tongue was invadin’ Ennis’ mouth like fire, and Ennis was lost in lust again, whole body surrenderin’ ta’ Jack.

Jack’s mouth was at Ennis’ ear again. “Third time ya’ do this, can be gentle and sweet and hard and fast all together.” Ennis gasped, chest heavin’, felt like he was gonna come just from them words, somehow managed ta’ say, “That’s funny. That’s ‘parently how I like my men – hard and fast.”

Jack froze for a second, then cracked up laughin’, weren’t no other way ta’ put it, rolled to the side off Ennis, howlin’, huge shit-eatin’ grin on his face and then Ennis was laughin’ too.

“Hard and fast.” Jack was laughin’ so hard, it made Ennis feel – happy. Happy deep inside, a kind of joy as he’d only felt with Jack, or his daughters, deep feelin’ of happiness coursin’ through him, and he laughed too, loud and strong for that ancient Tower ta’ hear.

Jack was still laughin’ when he started to strip off Ennis’ clothes, once in a while sayin’ “hard and fast,” and once Ennis said, “good thing fer me,” and then Jack dipped in ta’ lick where he’d unbuttoned Ennis’ shirt and Ennis couldn’t talk no more.

Ennis kept reachin’ for Jack, but he swatted his hands away, focused on each button, then licked where Ennis’ shirt parted and left an inch or two of skin showin’. He worked his way down slow, till all the buttons were open, then licked, all the way back up to Ennis’ neck, lickin’ there, then suckin’ on his neck. Ennis arched up into Jack’s mouth, ran his hands soft on Jack’s arms.

Jack was pullin’ the shirt to the sides, slow, and the fabric scrapin’ soft over his nipples made him shiver, somethin’ Jack spotted, ‘cause he leaned down to run that wicked tongue ‘round and over first one, then the other.

Ennis was thrustin’ into the air now, writhin’ under that tongue. Jack’s voice, hoarse with desire, said, “You always liked that,” and Ennis remembered wrestlin’ in the sun, Jack pinnin’ him down and playin’ with his nipples, Ennis never able ta’ admit what it did ta’’ him.

Now he could admit it, so he moaned “Jack,” and somethin’ changed in Jack at Ennis’ tone of voice, and he wasn’t playin’ around any more. He stripped Ennis’ shirt off him fast, fumbled with Ennis’ belt, but Ennis reached down, strippin’ his pants and shorts off quick, sayin’ “take off yer clothes, Jack.”

Then they was naked and Jack was lickin’ Ennis startin’ down at his ankle, lickin’ slow up one leg, sometimes movin’ over to the other. Ennis kept reachin’ with his hands, dyin’ to feel Jack’s skin, but he was too far away. He tried to sit up to reach for him, but Jack pressed a hand firm on his belly, pushin’ him down, said “lie down” and Ennis did.

Jack licked till Ennis was goin crazy, wantin’ that tongue in one place, and finally Jack was close, lickin’ soft on the inside of Ennis’ upper thigh, makin’ Ennis squirm, and he let his legs fall open a little.

Up above, the first star appeared at the moment Jack’s tongue touched his dick, lickin’ from base to head, then back down again. The Tower was so huge Ennis could see it clear though he was lyin’ down, outlined against the twilit sky. Ennis spared a thought for that long-ago lover from Solomon’s time, wondered whether some old Indian lookin’ at this Tower thousands of years ago had the same feelins’.

Jack’s mouth, unbearably hot and wet, suddenly engulfed Ennis, scatterin’ all his thoughts like them stars was scattered ‘cross the sky. His body lifted off the blanket hard, thrustin’. Jack sucked him for a few blissful seconds, then pulled off and licked down his dick to his balls, rolled them soft in his mouth, headed further down, to the sensitive spot right behind.

Jack’s hands fell onto Ennis’ legs, and he pushed them, gentle, a little more open. Ennis wondered at himself for the surge of lust as went through him, feeling himself spread open like that, wanton and cravin’ Jack’s touch, couldn’t deny it any longer, what was the point anyway? Queer was queer, didn’t really matter who did what ta’ who in the eyes of the world.

Ennis’ thoughts snapped back, hard, feelin’ Jack’s tongue lick soft over his hole, heard himself whisper, “ya’ don’t have to, Jack,” and Jack pulled back long enough ta’ say, “been wantin’ to fer so long,” and Ennis moaned on a surge of feelin’, and wondered what else Jack’d been wantin’, and Ennis’ heart yearned to do for Jack, do all the things he’d been wantin’, do whatever it took to bring him home.

Jack’s tongue ran lazy circles, then Ennis felt it pushin’, pushin’ into him, oh my God his cock was leakin’ already from the feel, Jack’s hands runnin’ up Ennis’ legs, strong warm hands that put in a day’s work, hands that knew him, knew him well.

Jack’s tongue pushed in hard now, and Ennis couldn’t think any more, only moan and pant, “Jack, want you.” Then Jack was fumblin’ in his bag, Ennis sayin’ “don’t need nothin’,” and Jack sayin’ “better this way,” and then he felt a wet finger where there’d been a tongue, and this time Ennis let himself relax into it, felt that finger push in easy, then another next to it, pushin’ in slow but sure, then pullin’ out and pushin’ in, then pushin’ in hard, and Ennis was pullin’ his body up, writhin’ on them fingers ta’ feel em’ pushin’ on just the right spot, and Jack said, “that’s it, feel it Ennis, want you to feel it good.”

Ennis couldn’t talk, it felt like, only gasp. He tried again, got out, “do it,” and Jack pulled them fingers out slow, laid himself on top of Ennis, pushed his tongue deep in Ennis’ mouth, and Ennis was frantic, wantin’ this so bad, pushin’ up into Jack’s hard length with his dick.

“Shh. S’alright, Ennis, take a breath, make it last,” and Ennis tried but then Jack ruined it by whisperin’ “gonna put it in ya’ now, cain’t fuckin’ believe I get ta’ do this,” which made Ennis groan.

Then Jack’s dick was at the entrance and then it was pushin’ in, Ennis knowin’ ta’ pant now to stay relaxed, knowin’ that much at least.

And it was different this way. If he opened his eyes, there was Jack above him, serious expression on his face, bitin’ his lip and concentratin’ hard. Ennis shifted his hips up a little, and Jack slid all the way in, groan escapin’ his lips.

Bein’ under Jack like this was like nothin’ Ennis’d ever done, ‘cept maybe when Jack’d been under him, face to face. It was hard to look, hard to see, but it was the best thing, better than anythin’, seein’ Jack’s face, seein’ it as the feelins’ crossed over.

The Tower was behind Jack’s head, outlined dimly now in the dusk, but Ennis could see Jack’s face clear enough, close as he was. And he could reach a hand up ta’ push Jack’s hair out of his eyes, Jack startin’ ta’ sweat like he was. Jack smiled, a smile as reached his eyes, then pulled almost out, changed his angle a little and –

“Fuck!” Ennis realized that was him yellin’, feelin’ that ‘lectric shock run up his spine, and one of his legs went ‘round Jack’s back before he knew it, pullin’ his own body up, and pullin’ Jack’s body in again, desperate for him ta’ hit that spot.

Jack was pantin’, sweat droppin’ on Ennis’ face, and Ennis licked a drop as fell on his mouth. Jack gasped and bent down ta’ lick on Ennis’ lips, and Ennis lifted his head up to flick his tongue over Jack’s. Jack surged hard into Ennis and Ennis heard a moan ripped from his own lips, Jack answerin’ with his own.

“Harder, Jack,” Ennis panted, and Jack said “Christ,” then braced himself up on his hands, slammed hard in and out.

“Yeah. Yeah baby - .” Ennis felt heat surge through him hearin’ Jack talk like that, saw Jack bite his lip, bite off his words.

Ennis looked Jack in the eyes, let the words inside him come out, said, “like it when ya’ talk like that,” and Jack stopped, fell down ta’ his elbows, pantin’. Ennis’ body was still tryin’ ta’ push up into Jack, his hips rockin’ up into him, and Jack said, “stop movin.’” He panted. “Goin’ ta’ spill ya’ don’t lie quiet.”

Ennis stilled his hips, hard ta’ do against the need that drove him, lay there pantin’ himself, tryin’ ta’ get control of himself back.

Jack lowered his forehead down to Ennis', rested there on his elbows, both of them pantin’, their breathin’ gradually slowin’ a little. Jack started to talk, and Ennis knew it was ‘cause he’d said he liked it. Jack kept his hips perfectly still, said into Ennis’ face, forehead leanin’ down on him, “do ya’ know what ya’ feel like ta’ me, Ennis, so hot, so fuckin’ tight, it’s all I could do not ta’ come the first minute I came inside you.”

Ennis couldn’t stand it, his hips rolled up of their own accord, his leg curled tighter. Both of them gasped, and Ennis could feel Jack’s breath on his face.

“Don’t move!” Jack’s voice had that strong thing in it, but this time it sent a bolt of fire up Ennis, and he felt his whole body shudder. He willed his body ta’ relax, let Jack take over, felt himself melt into the softness under his back.

“Ya’ like it, Ennis?” Jack was whisperin’ again, right into his face. Ennis eyes were closed, he couldn’t help it, the power of his concentratin’ was so hard. Jack raised his face a little, then ducked down to lick at Ennis’ lips again. Ennis full-out moaned this time. “That’s good, Ennis, want ya’ ta’ feel what I feel, ya’ do me so good.”

Ennis couldn’t stand it any more, said “Jack, move.”

Nothin’ happened, so Ennis opened his eyes ta’ see Jack, power in his eyes. Ennis remembered his dream, remembered the flowers, remembered the soul inside him reachin’ out for Jack’s. He pushed down the fear, the shame, said into Jack’s face, “I like it, you bet I like it Jack.”

Jack smiled a tender smile, a tender smile that changed a tiny fraction and became a smile of power, and then Jack moved his dick the slightest little bit deeper inside Ennis. “Ohh.” Ennis had never heard that sound leave his own lips. His other leg came up to wrap ‘round Jack’s hips. Jack smiled, moved his hips again, a little harder. Ennis moaned again but this time Jack did, too, raisin’ up on his hands, pushin’ in deeper still.

Ennis’ hand started reachin’ toward his dick, he ached so bad, but Jack reached a hand ta’ swat it away. “Not yet.” Jack brought his hands under Ennis’ legs, pulled them up higher, till Ennis was ‘most bent over himself, and Ennis gasped at the new angle. Next he knew, his legs was restin’ on Jack’s shoulders, and Jack was so deep inside him, the pleasure felt like it was goin’ ta’ overwhelm him, suck him in and never let go.

When Jack pushed in the next time, Ennis’ sight fuzzed out, white lightnin’ takin’ away sight, sound too. And he loved it, loved this, Jack inside him so deep, him spread out and wantin’, bein’ pounded into, oh Christ - .

“Yeah Ennis, seein’ you like this - .” Jack moaned.

Ennis roused himself against the whirpool ta’ say “Jack, give it to me,” and then Jack was poudin’ in harder, his face when Ennis could pry his eyes open a mask of concentration, and then the white fire was fillin’ Ennis sight completely, and he dimly realized that Jack had reached down to stroke his cock, wedged tight between their bodies, just an added feelin’ of Jack bein’ everywhere.

Ennis was gaspin’, wantin’ ta’ tell Jack, he wanted him everywhere, every way, and he managed ta’ get out, “Jack, I feel you everywhere,” and Jack’s face was tender and hot and everythin’ all together, and Ennis was comin’ like that bolt of lightning as singed their tree only yesterday, shoutin’, givin’ it all ta’ Jack, he hoped Jack could feel it, and maybe Jack could, ‘cause he pulled Ennis’ legs up even higher, buried himself deeper, threw his head back and froze, then spilled into Ennis forever, sayin’ “Ohh,” long enough for Ennis ta’ come ta’ his senses just a little and watch Jack’s face, passion makin’ it even more beautiful.

Then Jack was collapsin’ his forehead down on Ennis’ again, down ta’ his elbows, lettin’ Ennis’ legs down, pantin’ “Oh God, Oh god” into Ennis’ face, and Ennis was whisperin’ back “fuck,” and after a bit of time Jack collapsed down full on Ennis, slidin’ out slow, though it still made Ennis wince just a little.

Jack felt it, ‘cause he said all tender, “I hurt you, Ennis?” and Ennis felt like cryin’ from Jack, even now, after everythin’, carin’ so much not ta’ hurt him. Ennis said, a little hoarse, “not hardly,”and pulled his arms tighter ‘round Jack.

Ennis felt like he could lie like this forever, Jack coverin’ his body, safe and warm in his arms, and he let his feelins’ come out his lips, kissed Jack so sweet on his hair, buried as he was in Ennis’ neck. Jack’s lips were puttin’ little kisses on Ennis’ neck, Jack’s nose was rubbin’ up and down his skin.

Ennis wanted ta’ tell Jack somethin’ of what he was feelin’, what he’d been thinkin’, alone in his tent at night or workin’ the ranch, but words just wouldn’t come, so he just pulled him tighter and said “Jack.” Jack musta heard the feelins’ in his voice, ‘cause he said back “Ennis,” and it sounded like that boy he’d been.

Jack rolled a little to the side, said “don’t want to squish you,” and Ennis grunted, rolled a little himself, keepin’ his arms ‘round Jack.

“Never thought I’d live ta’ see the day Ennis del Mar did somethin’ like that.” Jack’s voice sounded careful.

“I been thinkin’.”

Jack smiled. “Uh oh.”

Ennis hit Jack’s arm and Jack said “hey!” and they was laughin’ like always.

Jack snugged in tight again, asked “Whatcha been thinkin’?”

“Lots o’ stuff, but it was about this.” Ennis rubbed Jack’s arm. Jack stayed quiet. Ennis said “still haven’t thought nothin’ ‘bout when I was younger.” He took a breath. Jack squeezed his arms tighter. “But I can see I do like men. More’n women.”

There was silence, and Ennis heard the evenin’ sounds of cicadas and off in the distance some bird cooin’. The silence went on a long time. “Jack?”

Jack nuzzled into his ear after a bit. “You gonna start up with Glen now I’m comin’ the other direction?”

“Nothin’ happened, Jack. ‘Cept - .”

“’Cept what?”

“’Cept I felt stuff, havin’ ta’ do with him bein’ a guy. Not ‘bout him.

Jack took a sharp breath. “That’s it exactly, Ennis, what you just said.”

Ennis could tell Jack had a world of feelin’, years of livin’, behind those words. “Yeah. Learned somethin’ else, too. I think I must - .” He stopped, sighed. Ennis couldn’t see Jack’s face, but he could tell Jack understood what he was sayin’. “I must give off some of it, that’s all. Not knowin’ it, look a certain way at people or somethin’.”

Jack’s hand came to Ennis face out of the dark now, gently cuppin’ the side of his head. “You been doin’ a lot of thinkin’, Ennis. So’ve I.” Jack’s voice was hushed, serious. “After I talked ta’ you on the phone the last time, I told Bill I wasn’t gonna see him no more, like that.”

Now it was Ennis’ turn to be silent, and it seemed like it was only him and Jack in the whole world, them and that ancient Tower, still risin’ up where Ennis could see it, barely, in the dark lit up only by starlight and the faintest remnant of light in the west. Ennis felt some wet come to his eyes, raised a hand to swipe it away fast. Jack’s arms tightened around him.

Jack’s voice was a whisper. “I ain’t the swearin’ kind, Ennis, you know that.”

“Me neither.” Ennis’ voice came out hushed, like the night surroundin’ them.

“Yeah. But I wanna make a promise now ta’ you.”

Ennis swallowed on the feelin’ risin’ up in him. He raised up onto an elbow, stared down at Jack’s face, visible as a lighter patch in the dark. “I told you, Jack, no promises, it don’t - .”

Jack brought his hand up gentle over Ennis’ mouth. “I know what you said, and there was reason for it, but I been thinkin’, and it’s time. I couldn’t think too well when you came ta’ Childress, you blew my brain right out my dick like always. Then you just blew my mind by bein’ here. After I talked ta’ you that second time, I thought it through. Not fair, not right ta’ have you here, doin’ this thing, and me doin’ that. Don’t want it anyway. Only ever thinkin’ of you anyway, no matter who - .”

Jack swallowed. Ennis brought his hand down to the side of Jack’s face, couldn’t say nothin’ at all. “It’s time, Ennis, I want to promise. I ain’t gonna be with no one else, not while you’re here. I got more stuff ta’ think on before I can think ‘bout movin’ here, stuff ta’ figure out, we can talk about that later. But while you’re here, ain’t gonna do nothin’ with nobody. Know ya’ might not believe me, but that’s the truth.”

Ennis heard the determination in Jack’s voice. His heart was beatin’ fast and his eyes was stingin’. Ennis had ta’ clear his throat. “Ya’ reckon ya’ can go that long just wringin’ it out, bud? Might hurt ya’ or somethin’.”

Jack hit Ennis’ arm. “Fuck you.”

Ennis chuckled. “I told ya’, that ain’t the way it’s gonna be.”

Jack laughed, then craned his neck up, brushed his lips over Ennis’ feather light, said low and sultry, “whatever you say, cowboy.”

Ennis laughed, still a little shy ‘bout this new thing in their lovin’, but laughed anyway from joy and from Jack. Their laughter joined and mingled and rang out clear in the Wyomin’ night.

“Ya’ hungry?” Jack sat up and pulled on his jeans, started fumblin’ for the bag of food.

“You bet.” Ennis pulled on his jeans too, his shirt.

Jack rustled around in the bottom of the bag, pulled out a foil-wrapped package. Ennis could see it glint in the starlight. “Hm, will you look at that?”

“Whut?”

“Momma musta thrown this in.”

Jack unwrapped the foil. “Brownies.”

Ennis smiled. “She sure is a big one fer chocolate.”

Jack nodded. “And picnics, apparently.”

Ennis sat on the blankets close behind Jack, wrapped his arms ‘round him from behind, said “picnics are growin’ on me, I think.”

Jack leaned back into Ennis, let his head rest on his shoulder. “Mmm.”

Ennis’ stomach growled and they both laughed. Jack started handin’ Ennis food, and Ennis crawled to retrieve the beer bottles they’d tossed aside earlier, came back to sit cross-legged near Jack. “So what’s the story on this place, huh?”

“Don’t know much.” Jack munched a sandwich. “Local Indians thought it was a sacred place. Still do. Have lots of ceremonies here. Thought they was safe here, came here to worship their God.”

“Worship the rock?”

“Nah. Great Spirit. Thought the rock was special, though, came here for vision quests, healin’ ceremonies. I knew a Sioux, Lakota, growin’ up. He came here every summer solstice.”

“Huh. Does seem kinda mystical, don’t it?”

Jack took a swallow of beer. “Sure does. Puts ya’ in mind a’ how puny we are.”

“Like the stars. Ain’t no night sky nowhere like Wyomin’s, near as I can tell.”

“Yup.” Jack’s voice sounded warm.

“Want another beer?”

“Sure.”

Ennis opened a bottle, passed it to Jack. “Probably the strangest thing I’ve ever seen. How the hell did it get like that?”

“Don’ know. Earth’s old, though, real old. Somethin’ ta’ do with that. Up at the Visitor Center we could read about it. Probably closed, but there’s some signs outside I think. You wanna go?”

“Hmm, leave this blanket with no one ‘round fer miles, best company in the world - ” Ennis leaned over, grabbed Jack’s head and kissed him hard and fast, pulled off, “ - or go ta’ a place ta’ read some science shit. Let me think on that.”

Jack scooted over and slid down, lay his head in Ennis’ lap, munchin’ a brownie. “This okay?”

Ennis stroked Jack’s hair with his fingers. “More’n okay. How’d you know ‘bout this place anyway?”

Jack sighed, was quiet for a bit. “You sure you wanna hear?”

Ennis took a sharp breath, hadn’t been expectin’ such an innocent question ta’ make Jack say somethin’ like that. Still, he said nice and calm, “no one here but me’n the night. And we said truth.”

“Yeah. Came out here in high school one time. Came with my best friend, Peter. I knew I felt stuff for him that – that I shouldn’t. We was drinkin’, havin’ fun, stumbled on this place. Never’d seen anythin’ like it. Moon was full, looked like somethin’ from another planet. Peter looked – like somethin’ fine.”

Ennis grunted.

“I almost touched him, Ennis, my hand was reachin’ out. Somethin’ stopped me, somethin’ ‘bout that Tower there – so old and still seeming. Good thing. That next week he and a couple o’other guys beat up on a guy in our school as people called fag, left him beat bad. He never came back to school.”

Ennis’ hand had froze on Jack’s hair, and he didn’t know what ta’ say, so he just said “sorry.”

“How you been doin’ on that stuff, Ennis?”

Ennis squirmed, wished he could say he didn’t know what Jack meant. “Good. I got – I got things I think ‘bout when I start feelin’ – bad, or all that.”

“Afraid?”

Ennis swallowed. He said in the quietest possible voice, “mainly fer you.”

Jack reached up a hand to the back of Ennis’ neck, pulled his face down and brushed a kiss feather light on his mouth, whispered, “Now you’re here I’m safe, I know it. Ennis, I really cain’t believe it, you cain’t know what it means ta’ me - .” Jack’s voice clogged up.

Ennis whispered, “I’m sorry, Jack.”

Jack raised his hand ta’ cover Ennis’ mouth, but Ennis pulled it gently aside, said “sorry I went off on ya’ today, too.”

“Told ya’, my fault. But I’m so scared yer goin’ ta’ leave, if the goin’ gets rough.”

Ennis shook his head. “I might need some time ta’ breathe, like today, but I ain’t leavin’.”

Jack asked, light, but Ennis could hear the serious underneath, “that a promise?”

Ennis’ heart lurched. He felt his head nodding. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s a promise. I’m stayin’.”

Jack’s fingers were curlin’ in Ennis’ hair on the side of his head. “We’ve never made no promises before.”

Ennis let his hand stroke Jack’s hair, Jack warm and breathin’ right there on his lap. “Nope. First time fer everything.”

“Yeah.” Ennis reached down with his lips at the same moment Jack reached up with his, for a kiss so sweet, Ennis felt it curl ‘round his heart like a livin’ thing.

Seemed they both needed a bit of time to recover from all that, but after some quiet, Jack said, “So, paint colors.”

“Yeah, Bonnie’s been on me about it. Wouldn’t you think a gal like that wouldn’t care ‘bout paint colors and shit like that?”

Jack laughed. “What d’ya mean?”

“Well, gals like them – likin’ other girls n’all, how come they’re still the same as other gals with that stuff?”

Ennis could feel Jack frown. “Never thought o’ that. Maybe they’re not all like that? Maybe the whole woman thing’s so strong it don’t cancel that out. They cook and sew and stuff too?”

“Well, Lisa cooks. Sewin’ – I don’t know. Sews up animals. Doubt many dresses and such.”

“By rights, we oughta be like that, accordin’ ta’ some, you know?”

“Huh?” Ennis shifted a little, eased Jack’s head a little more into his lap.

“Bein’ gay. We should like that shit. Like what colors for walls.”

“Yeah. Lots o’ queers is like that. You know some like that?”

Jack nodded. “Come across a few in my time. Nice enough fellas really. Not my type.” Ennis could feel Jack’s huge grin from his fingers on his face. “Like you mighta figured out. You ain’t exactly – prancy.”

“And I’m your type?”

Jack smiled. “That’s fer damn sure.”

Ennis felt tiredness suddenly claim him. “You tired, bud?”

Jack nodded. “Almost asleep.”

“We gonna stay here?”

“Thought so, head back before first light? “

“Should go back, probably.” Ennis knew his voice didn’t sound convinced.

Jack leveraged off Ennis’ lap, went to piss, came back and spread the bedrolls better, laid down. “Just a few hours. I want this, Ennis.”

Ennis grunted. “You know I do too.”

Jack reached for Ennis, pulled him down and around his body. “I know it.”

Ennis let himself do everythin’ he wanted. He reached his arms ‘round Jack, pulled him in snug, wrapped his legs so they were twined with Jack, brought his forehead ta’ touch Jack’s, so he could feel Jack’s breath on his face.

Jack reached his arms strong around Ennis, pulled them together even tighter. Ennis could see that ancient rock risin’ up beyond the trees, now outlined pretty clear from the thousands of stars appearin’ in that high clear sky. Ennis whispered, “the stars are out tonight, Jack,” and Jack breathed, “always are when I’m with you,” and Ennis said “Jack,” and pulled them closer still. Jack made a happy noise deep in his throat, the kind he made driftin off ta’ sleep, and Ennis thought how lucky he was ta’ know what sound Jack Twist made on the edge of sleep. Ennis’ last thought before he slept was some nonsense about the Tower guardin’ them, keepin’ them safe.

He woke with Jack whisperin’ in his ear, “Ennis, we gotta go if we want ta’ get there ‘fore my folks get up. Though I don’t care myself.”

Ennis groaned. He wasn’t some spring chicken ta’ be sleepin’ out in nature on blankets no more. “I care. Give ‘em time ta’ get used to it. Yer daddy.”

It wasn’t easy leavin’ that snug warmth, but they did it, Ennis grumblin’ ‘bout crazy fools who wanted to lie on the cold ground when they had a perfectly good bed in their own folks’ house, and Jack shootin’ back it was better than some pup tent, though tents had been pretty good to him.

They made it to the truck, bleary-eyed, but warmed up considerable on the drive back, Jack lettin’ Ennis drive, and curlin’ into Ennis’ side after scootin’ closer and closer on the bench seat.

They was laughin’ at a bad joke when they pulled into the Twists’ driveway, and Jack said “shh.”

Ennis said “you’re the loud one, you fool,” and that set them laughin’ again. Ennis cut the engine and glided to a silent stop next to the barn. He couldn’t help but turn ta’ Jack next ta’ him, kissin’ him thorough one last time. They pulled apart, reluctant, got out silent.

They retrieved their stuff from the back of the truck, and Jack whispered, “I’ll sneak in,” and Ennis said, “I’ll start workin’,” but couldn’t help runnin’ his hand one more time down Jack’s cheek.

Jack smiled and turned to go, then froze, starin’ at the dooway into the barn. The sun was approachin’ the eastern horizon, so the sky was lightenin’, enough so Ennis could make out Jack’s face good. His expression was – horror?”

Ennis looked in the direction Jack was lookin’, toward the barn door. Ennis felt blood rush to his head. John Twist was standin’ in the door of the barn, starin’ at Jack, expression on his face like – like worms was crawlin’ up Jack’s shirt, like Jack had grabbed a tiny baby and flung it ‘gainst the wall.

Ennis looked away, couldn’t look. Couldn’t believe it, here he’d been warnin’ Jack forever to be careful, and then it was Ennis as gave them away. Fuck. Shame roiled through his stomach, waves of nausea coursin’ up to his throat. Thinkin’ on what he and Jack did together, now his Daddy knowin’ how Ennis thought on Jack, what Ennis did to Jack, what Jack did to him – it made him sick with shame. Ta’ think that man would know the way they touched, what they thought on.

And worse, he had the power ta’ break both their hearts. If Ennis couldn’t be in Lightning Flat, where could he go to pull Jack toward him? Maybe Texas, but that thought sent chills through his veins. Riverton again? Worse.

Ennis felt another bolt of shame course through him, but this time a new kind. Some kind of courage he had, lookin’ away like that, starin’ off to the horizon, lettin’ Jack deal with this by himself. What kind o’ man, almost forty years old, cowers before some pissant dictator? Wasn’t like Twist knew what love was, or if he did, he sure didn’t act it. Wasn’t like Twist had some great family, all sittin’ on his knees for grandpa ta’ tell stories, like the daddies and granddaddies in picture books. If he didn’t want to think on what his son did in the dark, didn’t want to think on what Ennis thought on in the light, then he should just think on somethin’ else.

Ennis spared time to think, I’m sorry, Jack, then turned his face back to Twist. The disgust was still there, sneer pullin’ up the corner of his mouth. He looked between Ennis and Jack, then back to Ennis, eyes narrowed. Ennis brought his own eyes up full, stared right into Twist’s face. Not a cougar, attackin’, but a bear, protectin’ her own. Tried ta’ have it feel like that, at least. Tried to show a little of what he felt for Jack, too, tried ta’ have his own eyes go a little soft.

Couldn’t Twist see it, the twenty years between ‘em? Couldn’t he see that this was better than death on the highway, death from the tire iron?

Ennis heard a voice. “John, John, what’s happening?”

Evelyn. Nightgown and slippers, walkin’ toward the barn.

Twist spat out, “nothin’ concernin’ you, Evelyn, go back inside.”

She walked closer. “Jack?”

Twist stood there for a minute, eyes narrowing further, gatherin’ storm. His voice came harsh in the dawn quiet. “Think I always knew. Figures. Bad enough you was always worthless, but a faggot too.” Twist headed for the house.

Jack raised a hand, forehead crinkled. “Daddy - .”

Twist turned, said furious and low, “Don’t you daddy me. I’m ashamed o’ you, you’re filthy. It’s disgustin’, makes me sick, you probably turned him wrong too.” He jerked a thumb in Ennis’ direction. “I shoulda known, maybe I did know. Probably knew all along, that’s why -.” He turned on his heel, strode towards the house, stopped and spat. Said over his shoulder, spittin’ venom, “”Ya’ got me in a tight spot, Jack, and ya’ know it. Else you’d both be gone. But ya’ might as well be dead ta’ me.” He stomped off, shoulders tight, leavin’ a deathly silence in its wake.

Ennis could hardly do it, but he turned to look at Jack. All the perky was out o’ him, and he looked like he’d been sucker punched. Jack raised his eyes to Ennis, and Ennis couldn’t even mouth sorry, but tried to put it in his eyes. Evelyn was close by now, set her shoulders, said in a steely voice Ennis had never heard yet, “I’m goin’ to go talk to him.”

Jack said quiet, “no, Ma, let it be.”

She turned and looked at him, hands on hips.

Jack said low. “Ma, ain’t yer battle, ain’t gettin’ you in the middle. He goes off on you, I ain’t gonna be responsible for what I do to him, you hear me? Not any more. He can say whatever he wants to me, don’t hurt me none. He hurts you, I’ll kill him.”

“I know better than that, Jack. Words can hurt bad. Worse. I never shoulda let him say those things ta’ you, do them things ta’ you when you was young.”

Jack stepped close to his ma. His voice was tender. “You were so young, momma, so poor, no schoolin’. What was you gonna do with a little boy like me? You kept me fed and healthy, and strong. I did fine.”

“I don’t know.” Evelyn looked in the direction Twist had gone, bitin’ her lip.

Jack’s voice got even softer. “You taught me ‘bout love, ma.”

Ennis felt tears prick in his eyes. Evelyn glanced at Ennis, looked back to Jack, smiled a little smile. “Maybe I did, at that.”

Ennis cleared his throat, didn’t know if he should say anything, but couldn’t help it, her eyes were so shiny. He heard his own voice rasp out “and cookies with the dinner.”

Evelyn laughed a little, and Jack looked shocked, then joined in. Jack quirked an eyebrow at Ennis in a way Ennis wasn’t sure he really should be, front of his momma like that. “Why I couldn’t settle for beans.”

Ennis choked a little. Jack turned to his momma, said, “I’m sorry, momma. Shoulda told you before. Know you don’t approve.”

“Ain’t sayin’ I understand it, Jack, ain’t what the church teaches, but you’re my son, and God gave us all minds ta’ think with. I know you. And I don’t think God makes mistakes.”

Jack hugged her then real good, and Ennis had ta’ breathe deep on her words. No mistakes?

Ennis cleared his throat when they’d pulled back a little, said “well, I’m late to start workin’.”

“Where you goin’?” Jack looked at him wide eyed.

“Got a spread to help run, don’t I?”

“What about my daddy?” Jack swallowed. “You gonna have to be ‘round my Daddy?”

Ennis nodded. “We’re checkin’ the place for strikes, workin’ on the barn, bunch o’ stuff.”

Jack looked horrified. “I better come with ya’.”

Ennis smiled a grim smile. “Told you I knew it’d get harder. You should wait a little, let him settle in. I know a little bit ‘bout stubborn sons of – “ Ennis remembered Evelyn, choked. “uh, stubborn guys. He and I can work together not sayin’ nothin’ all mornin’.”

That’s the way it went, too, them checkin’ the close by land that hadn’t been surveyed yesterday for dead stock, wrecked buildins’ or equipment, then checkin’ with Joe and Early and Charlie fer reports on the far pastures. Looked like they hadn’t had much loss, and Twist started ta’ say somethin’, caught himself and didn’t.

For all his brave words, Ennis felt sick ta’ his stomach the whole time, images of what Twist must be thinkin’ on twistin’ in his brain. Shame and fear roiled in Ennis’ belly, thinkin’ on havin ta’ work with this man, him full of dirty thoughts. Or worse, Twist decidin’ he wanted him gone, damn the money and the help ta’ the spread Ennis clearly had been.

Jack joined them after an hour or so, askin’ Ennis what to do, a fact his Daddy noticed, no doubt, his shoulders hunchin’ up as he turned his back on Jack. Ennis felt a grey fear coilin’ down deep, and this was nothin’ compared ta’ what might happen if the town got wind of it.

They sat silent at supper, Jack and his ma makin’ small talk, Twist not even lookin’ at Jack or Ennis. Phone rang and Evelyn went to get it, came back in, said “Jack, phone’s for you.”

“Fer me? Is it Lureen? Is Bobby okay?”

“It’s not her. Someone named Patsy. Sounds upset.”

Jack’s face got a surprised look. He pushed back from the table, walked fast to the kitchen with his brow furrowed.

Ennis shrugged his sholders ta’ Evelyn, John ignorin’ the whole thing. Ennis heard Jack’s voice risin’ and fallin’, but couldn’t make out the words. Didn’t sound good. Reminded him for some reason, with a twist in his gut, of Jack on the phone in his house in Childress, talking with that rancher boyfriend.

Jack finally came out, face white. John Twist had left long ago, so it was just Evelyn and Ennis.

Evelyn stood up, said, “I’ll leave you two to -.”

“No, momma, you gotta know this, too.” Jack looked at Ennis, looked around that little dining room, looked at the ceiling. His eyes were troubled, and Ennis could see he was havin’ trouble holdin’ still. “I gotta go. Gotta go right now, back to Childress.”

“What’s wrong, Jack?” Ennis hardly recognized his own voice, changed by the kick ta’ the gut o’ that announcement Jack was leavin’. What was Jack talkin’ about? Not so soon, not when they’d just -.

“Gotta go right now. Friend of mine –“ Jack looked right into Ennis’ eyes, took a breath – “good friend of mine, he’s in the hospital, may not make it through the next few days.”

Ennis felt a physical punch knowin’ what them words “good friend” likely meant.

“What’s wrong with him, Jack?” Evelyn’s voice, concerned.

Jack swallowed. “He was in a bad accident. Hurt real bad. I don’t know the details. Somethin’ off the highway. That was his wife. She’s real shook up, thought ta’ call me. I just gotta go. I’m his closest friend, he’s got no family there.” He turned ta’ Ennis, some kinda feelin’ in his eyes, then headed towards the door.

Jack’s momma stood up, headed for the kitchen, called back “Don’t leave without some food. I’ll put it up for you right now.”

Ennis tried ta’ get his legs ta’ work, headed out the door after Jack.

“Jack?” His voice came out pitiful, shamefully pitiful. Jack was goin’ to leave him here with his daddy, shootin’ Ennis hateful knowin’ looks? Leave him, after he’d laid himself open like that? He’d said he’d be here for almost a week, they was goin’ ta’ have time, ta’ talk and - .

Jack turned around, almost like he was surprised to hear Ennis, thoughts far away. “Ennis, oh God, I’m sorry. Just – they need me, she’s so shook up, he may die tonight. Fuck.”

Ennis took a step closer to Jack. Feelins’ was bubblin’ up in him. His heart was beatin’ fast, he felt tears pokin’ at his eyes, and his fists was clenched. “Jack, wait a minute. I mean, we were just gettin’ goin’ here, and now you’re leavin’?” Jack’d said, he’d promised, just this last night, no more other men, and now he was goin’ back ta’ this one as had staked some kinda claim on Jack, he could feel it?

Jack’s eyes narrowed a little, but he spoke reasonable. “Guy’s on his deathbed and you’re thinkin’ about us? It ain’t all about you, Ennis.”

Ennis took a step closer, was a coupla’ feet from Jack now. “It’s him, ain’t it? Cabin owner, rancher?”

Jack nodded. “Yeah, not that it matters, but yeah. Bill. We been friends with them forever, me’n Lureen. Wives don’t know of course.”

Jack turned to go again.

Ennis took a step closer, was just an arm’s length away from Jack now.

“Cain’t you wait just a little before ya’ leave ta’ see the guy you - . “ Ennis stopped himself, lowered his voice. “Jack, you and me was - .”

Jack turned, interrupted him. “He may be dead as we speak, ya’ might call him by his name.”

Ennis clenched his fists tighter. That riptide as always sought to suck him down was pullin’ hard at his heels now. “Fine, sure. Bill. I’ll call him by name. I’m sorry that I’m not too thrilled ta’ have ya’ runnin’ off ta’ the guy as has been fuckin’ ya’ for – how long has it been, Jack?”

Jack had his hands on his waist now, head pushed forward. “’Bout four or five years, asshole, if you wanna know. Jesus.”

Ennis’ breathin’ came hard, and his chest was heavin’. His voice still came out pitiful. “Jack, we made promises.” He took a breath, hardened his voice so it wouldn’t sound like pleadin’, “Yer already breakin’ yer fuckin’ promise and it hasn’t even been a fuckin’ day.”

“Ain’t breakin’ any promise. Christ. Grow up, Ennis.”

Ennis advanced on Jack. “You’re tellin’ me ta’ grow up. Yer the one as thinks he’s some young stud, screwin’ all of America and more. Promises don’t mean nothin’, I was right all along.”

Jack stepped closer, pushed his finger right in Ennis’ chest. “Don’t worry ‘bout it – don’t worry about yer fuckin’ promise, ya’ can fuckin’ leave anytime, I won’t hold ya’ to it. All ya’ ever did was leave, anyway.”

Ennis felt it like a physical blow, knockin’ the wind out of him, stood there, helpless, then gasped in a chest full of air, felt the venom lace his voice, said “Yeah, well, I don’t expect you to keep yours anyway, Jack, so you forget it, too. What’s it been – a week since you stopped with him?”

Jack was shakin’ now, white-faced, hands back on his waist. “Three weeks, you son of a bitch. Three fuckin’ weeks. Since I talked ta’ you on the phone that second time and, miracle of God, you was still here.” Jack stepped back, headed to his truck. “I gotta go. Man’s probably dyin’ and all you’re thinkin’ about is -.” Jack shook his head, got in the truck, shut the door with a bang, revved the engine and peeled out on the road.

All the air had left Ennis, all the blood seemed to have left his veins. This was wrong, everything had been going so well, they was findin’ each other again, his Jack had been in his arms and now -. Shit. Ennis’ feelins’ was bubblin’ up inside him, watchin’ Jack’s truck getting’ smaller and smaller, dust from the road billowin’ up strong behind it.

A wind kicked up from the west, where clouds were buildin’ again into massed thunderheads. Dust swirled up and coated Ennis’ hands, hands that had just held Jack a few minutes before. Ennis kicked a rock, hard. “Shit!” The rock was embedded into the earth, and his toes was bruised, hurtin’ bad. Wished the hurt on the outside took away the hurtin’ inside, but it didn’t, he already knew that from long experience.

John Twist appeared out of nowhere. “You gonna get ta’ the stock any time this week?” A little smirk played around his lips, like he was thinkin’ on Ennis bein’ queer.

Ennis grunted, started toward the barn. Twist said ta’ Ennis’ back, “just like Jack ta’ leave out of nowhere. Never could rely on him none.”

Ennis took a breath, turned to face him. Twist wasn’t gonna let him forget bein’ queer for one minute, he could tell. “I’m gonna get ta’ everythin’ like I have all along. ‘Less you wanna tell me to go.”

Twist pulled his eyes off to the side. “I ain’t the one as has the say.”

Ennis took a step closer to him, and him being at the end of his rope musta shown in his eyees, ‘cause Twist turned ta’ walk away, spittin’ back over his shoulder, “just get to the fuckin’ stock.”

Ennis didn’t have the heart to eat supper with the Twists tonight, wasn’t hungry anyway. Evelyn forced a wrapped sandwich on him, didn’t say a word ‘bout Jack or anythin’ else.

That night, Ennis went into the house and gathered up all the evidence they’d been there. Sleepin’ bags, lantern, blankets, Jack’s wet clothes. He’d been in such a hurry, hadn’t even gotten those.

Somethin’ caught Ennis’ eye as he was about to walk out. Somethin’ white on the mantle. He walked over. Pieces of paper – some paint chips from Bonnie’s pile, and what looked like – a note. Note with Jack’s familiar letterin’ on it. Jack musta done this sometime yesterday before they went to Devil’s Tower.

Ennis read the note. It said, “Your choice but I like these.” Ennis looked at the paint chips. Two of ‘em, fancy names circled at the bottom. One was “cumulus white.” Ennis felt a jolt of pain to his heart, thinkin’ on the clouds that always came up in the afternoon on Brokeback, sure enough what Jack’d been thinkin’ on, too. Jack’d taught Ennis the difference between cumulus, cirrus, all of ‘em, one afternoon in the high meadow. Ennis’d known what all them different types of clouds meant, had to ‘cause o’ ranchin’, but didn’t know the right words.

Ennis picked up the other chip. His heart beat hard. Circled at the bottom in Jack’s dark pen, the name: “Lupine blue.” Ennis sat down on the floor of that house, right there in the middle of the floor, the weight of sadness and anger pushin’ heavy on his shoulders.

What was he goin’ to do? His pride had took a lot of hits today, and most of him wanted ta’ say fuck ‘em all, John Twist with his disdain, all the queers as made him think ‘bout things he didn’t want to think about, and most of all, fuck Jack Twist, true asshole, runnin’ off at the beck and call of some guy in Childress, when Ennis had laid his body open, his heart too, almost, and come here to his folks’ place, grovelin’ for Jack ta’ come.

What the fuck was Jack waitin’ on anyway? He’d been buggin’ Ennis forever for this – be together, move closer, have a ranch together. It’d all been bullshit apparently, or close enough. Fucker. Now Jack just kept sayin’ shit about he had ta’ think about stuff, figure it out. What was there ta’ figure ‘cept Bill?

Tears of anger, or maybe sadness, gathered in his eyes, the tears makin’ him madder still. Fuck. Ennis really didn’t know what to do. What he should do was pack his stuff, tell the Twists thank you and head back to Riverton. Don would give him a sofa to sleep on, and he could get his old job back no doubt. ‘Course by now half the town probably knew he was queer, hell at this point most of Wyomin’ did. Jack’s fault, too. Ennis stood up and threw the paint chips into the corner, kicked the sleepin’ bags that he’d let drop to the floor, then kicked ‘em again. “Fuck!”

He recognized this feelin’ – it was the feelin’ of wantin’ his fist to connect with flesh, have someone’s fist connect with his, lose himself in the pain. It was either that or drinkin’ tonight, no way he was gonna lie in that fuckin’ tent ta’ toss n’turn and think about Jack leavin’ like that, not even no words from him ta’ make it easier.

Wasn’t going to drink alone either, and he was almost out of whiskey anyway. He found his keys, headed for his truck. It wasn’t late at all, the bar’d be open for hours. Fuck Jack. That’s what he felt, and that’s what he meant. He was goin’ to town without him, and drinkin’ what he wanted. He’d figure out tomorrow what ta’ do ‘bout Lightnin’ Flat. A man had his pride, and Ennis had stretched ‘till he couldn’t stretch no more.

Fuck Jack Twist.

 

Ennis sat in the booth and stared at the empty shot glasses lined up on the table in front of him. Four of ‘em, and a coupla empty beer bottles, too. He’d moved on to beer a few minutes ago, knowin’ he was headin’ for trouble if he didn’t watch out. Probably headin’ there anyway, but he’d learned a few things ‘bout himself over the years, and poundin’ down shots was a guaranteed fistfight or worse.

At least this time he’d had the sense to get a dark booth in the back of the shitty little bar that was Lightnin’ Flat’s one place you could get liquor. He wasn’t sittin’ on no barstool this time, didn’t want no trouble. Just wanted to be alone with his thoughts, and his thoughts weren’t pretty.

The first coupla shots had taken the edge off his anger, least he thought so. Now he was slippin’ into a kind of numbness, that same feelin’ he’d nursed for many a long year. Still, he felt the anger lappin’ at his edges, ready to spring if the opportunity struck.

He probably should just pack up his crap, head on back to Riverton, beg mercy from Alma and Don, find a trailer or somethin’ ta’ call home. Was his own fuckin’ fault, he knew that clear, that Jack wasn’t exactly runnin’ into his arms at the drop of a hat. Ennis didn’t have nothin’ or nobody, but Jack did. Sure, Ennis had his girls, but it wasn’t like he spent more’n a few hours a month with them anyway. Jack had Bobby, and Lureen, a fancy job, that house, and of course he had that Bill fella. And who knew how many more.

Ennis remembered everythin’ Jack had said to him since he’d arrived in that lightnin’ storm, everythin’ he’d said before that, too, at that fella’s cabin. Jack was doin’ what Ennis had asked for, tellin’ truth ‘bout things. Now Ennis knew the truth, and it was a damn hard truth. Hurt like hell, thinkin’ on Jack with someone else, thinkin’ on Jack headin’ there right now, loyalty to Bill pullin’ him that thousand miles. Hurt like hell and pissed him off royally. He couldn’t believe Jack would leave like that, just leave, after that perfect night, after Ennis’d opened himself up like that.

It was probably just hopeless. Too little, too late, from Ennis. They was ships passin’ in the night, not quite able to hitch together. Irony of life, wasn’t it, Ennis finally ready to try somethin’, but Jack not able. It was breakin’ his heart, but sometimes life was like that. He didn’t deserve Jack, anyway, didn’t deserve nothin’, and it was his own damn fault he’d let himself think he did. It just set you up for more pain in the long run if you got thinkin’ on reachin’ for a little happiness.

It was crazy what he’d tried to do. Jack’s daddy was dead set opposed, and how could Ennis think that Jack’d want to come to the very place he spent his whole life runnin’ from? The very place he ran from the minute he got the chance? Sure, when Jack was still young and hopeful, he’d of followed Ennis ta’ the end o’ the earth, never carin’ where it was, but that day was long gone, and he himself had been the one to make Jack change.

He’d pack up tomorrow, say his thank yous to Evelyn, and head on out. Jack would understand. Wasn’t from anger, but from facin’ the truth. Truth was, he meant less to Jack than this other fella.

No, that wasn’t right neither. He was gettin’ better, maybe, at catchin’ himself out tellin’ himself stories. Jack wasn’t lyin’ to Ennis no more, and he’d told Ennis he was all he wanted. Ennis knew in his heart that Jack only wanted him, he really did, wouldn’t even deny that no more. But it was just too damn late. Wasn’t gonna work, and that was just as well. Those visions of Jack from his nightmare were still possible if they actually shacked up. He’d made the effort, done his piece, and now he could free Jack ta’ stay down there in Childress where he had so much. Up here, Jack had nothin’, nothin’ ‘cept Ennis, Ennis with nothin’ to offer.

“Can I buy ya’ another?” Ennis focused his eyes, eyes that’d been busy seein’ someone not there. That Glen fella had slid into the booth across from him. He’d laid his hat on the booth’s seat next to him, and his hair showed sandy and long in the light from the neon sign in the nearby window.

Ennis scowled. “Don’t want no company.”

Glen laughed. “Well, you’re sure di-rect. Can I just drink mine a minute here?” He lifted his beer mug, took a swallow.

Ennis grunted. “Suit yourself.”

Glen looked at Ennis for a while. Ennis stared into his beer. After a bit, Glen leaned forward a little over the table. “Listen, I’m sorry ‘bout the other day.”

Ennis looked up. “Nothin’ to apologize for.”

“Hmph.” Glen snorted. “I don’t usually --.” He took another swallow. “I don’t usually mess with strangers like that. I’d had a hard day. Hard week.” He snorted. “Hell, a hard year. I ain’t like that, really.”

“S’alright. I said that.” Ennis toyed with his napkin. He wanted to leave, but it seemed like too much effort.

“So, ya’ drownin’ yer sorrows?” Glen leaned back and stared at the shot glasses lined up in front of Ennis.

“You could say that.” Why the fuck was he talkin’ ta’ this guy?

“Yeah. I’m still havin’ a hard week. Another one. Truth is --.” Ennis looked up finally, saw Glen lookin’ off at that damn neon sign. “Truth is – my operation’s not goin’ too good right now. My ex’s still gettin’ alimony, too. And I’m getting’ old and ain’t got no one, ya’ know?”

Ennis just stared at him.

Glen shrugged his shoulders. “Sorry. Don’t know why I’m tellin’ ya. It just gets a little – lonely, is all.” He drained his mug. “You just seem as someone who knows what that is. I’ll be shovin’ off.”

“No.” The word was out before Ennis could stop it. “No need ta’ go. Here.” Ennis shoved a half-full Coors bottle across the table. “Help yerself.”

“I better go. I might hurt yer reputation.” Glen’s face twisted in something meant to be a smile.

Ennis laughed, bitter laugh from twenty years. “I ain’t long for these parts anyway.”

“Ya’ ain’t?” Glen looked surprised. “But I thought -- .” He stopped himself, looked down at his mug again. “Well, don’t matter.”

Ennis’ forehead bunched up. “What’d you think?”

Glen shook his head. “Weren’t nothin’.”

Ennis leaned forward. “Now see here, you gotta tell me.” Ennis felt the fear and then the anger, washin’ against his control. His worry ‘bout Jack, always in the background, surged forward.

Glen looked Ennis in the face, pursed his lips. “Look. I know ‘bout Jack, okay? And since I guessed ‘bout you, I just thought --.” He raised his eyebrow in a significant look. “Hell, what do I know, right?“

“How do you know ‘bout Jack? You put the moves on him?” Ennis’ voice came out a bit of a growl.

Glen cocked his eyebrow. “Knew ‘bout Jack ‘cause I knew. ‘Specially easy ta’ know considerin’ we had to be the only two guys like that in the whole fuckin’ county.”

Despite himself, Ennis snorted.

“Sure I put the moves on Jack. Man’d have to be blind, deaf, and dumb not to try.” He aimed a significant glance at Ennis. “Real dumb.” He held up a pacifyin’ hand. “He wasn’t never interested. He always seemed – I don’t know – sad or somethin’ when he come to Lightnin’ Flat.”

It was Ennis’ turn to look at his beer. Since Jack always came here after their fishin’ trips, he could damn well guess why Jack was feelin’ sad. A heavy weight of guilt pushed down on his heart.

“Plus, I never really tried too hard. I mean, knew it’d be fun, but we wouldn’t be quite suited fer each other, if you know what I mean.”

“Whut?”

Glen actually rolled his eyes. “Where you been livin’, Mars? I think he usually likes ta’ be in the same position I usually like ta’ be in. You got that now? Jesus. Told ya’ before, you was more my type.”

Ennis nodded, once, short, fightin’ the flush that wanted ta’ rise up on his cheeks. He got it.

“So I thought --.” God, did the man not shut up? “I thought, what with you comin’ here, and bein’ like that, well, I put two and two together and figured you was maybe makin’ somethin’ of it.”

“We was tryin’ to, but it ain’t gonna work.” Ennis couldn’t believe he’d said that out loud. Hurt him bad just ta’ say the words.

Glen was mercifully quiet for a while, but it appeared he just couldn’t keep quiet, ‘cause he said. “Sorry. So what’d he do?”

Ennis looked up sharp at him. “Whut?”

“I said, what’d he do? Musta done somethin’ ta’ get ya’ all in a knot, ‘cause I know he was just here, then left sudden. He don’t want you here no more?”

“Ain’t none of yer business, is it?” Ennis glowered at him.

“No, it ain’t. I just never seen two such sorry lookin’ guys, that’s all, and I’m guessin’ it has somethin’ ta’ do each with the other! I’ll shut up. Would buy ya’ a beer but it looks like you’ve had enough.”

Ennis brought his eyes up slow to meet Glen’s. He couldn’t believe it of himself, but some part of him wanted ta’ say it. “He’s got some guy down ta’ Texas, hurt bad, in the hospital, raced out a’ here.”

Glen frowned. “That’s gotta hurt. So that made him decide he wants that guy, not you?”

Ennis frowned back. “Not exactly.”

Glen drank his beer for a while, then pursed his lips. “But ya’ got reason to think so, that he likes him better.”

Ennis clutched his beer harder. “Not really.”

“He gonna be fuckin’ him?”

Ennis looked around the bar. No one was anywhere near to hearin’ distance. Part of him wanted ta’ hit Glen for that. He lowered his voice even more, to a growl. “Not none of yer business.” He swigged his beer, set it down hard. “But not no more.”

Glen looked a question at him. “But he wants ya’ gone, then? Gone from here. He said that to ya’.”

Ennis stared at him. “Not exactly. Just --.”

“How long you two known each other, anyway?”

Ennis sighed. “Since ’63. Summer of ’63.”

Glen whistled. “Jesus Christ. I was ‘bout ten years old in ’63.” He took the last swallow of his beer. “So let me get this straight. He ain’t told ya’ to leave, he don’t like this other fella better, you’ve known each other fer twenty years.” He looked at Ennis expectantly.

“Yeah. That’s ‘bout it.” A hard sadness clenched ‘round Ennis’ heart.

“Well then, why the fuck ya’ talkin’ on leavin’ here when ya’ just got here? Two months or somethin’ you’ve been here, right? Two months after twenty years? What’s wrong with you?”

Ennis was suddenly overwhelmed by anger. “What’s it to you, anyway?”

Glen picked up his hat. “Yeah, you’re right. What’s it to me some asshole throws away somethin’ I’d give my eye teeth for and then some. I’ll see ya’ around.” Glen slid out of the booth, pulled out a wallet and threw some money on the table.

“Wait.” Ennis’ voice came out weak. He tried again. “Wait.”

“What?” Glen was angry still, Ennis could tell.

Ennis looked up at him. “I’ll walk out with you.”

Glen gave him a considerin’ glance, looked pointedly at Ennis’ balled-up fists. “Don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

“Fuck you.” Ennis rose unsteadily to his feet, fished some bills out of his pocket and laid them down.

Glen shook his head, led the way out of the bar.

Ennis followed, some part of him noticin’ the strong lines of Glen’s back side under his clothes, knowin’ the man put in a hard day’s work, wasn’t no city boy sittin’ at some desk all day. Some part inside of him was shriekin’ at him ta’ stop, ta’ stay outa this man’s range, don’t fuck this up like he’d fucked up so many other things, but he shoved that part away. He was sick of being patient, sick of being responsible, sick of bein’ the hard workin’ guy with his head down.

The parkin’ lot back behind the bar was dark, no streetlamp back here, and Glen’s pickup was parked in the far corner. Glen leaned back against the cab and sighed. “Listen, del Mar, I’ll give you a ride home since you’re drunk. Let’s leave it at that.”

Ennis came closer, heart beatin’ out of his chest, sick feelin’ in his stomach. Glen leanin’ on the truck like that reminded him of Jack, how he’d leaned up all tall and dark ‘gainst his truck that summer so long ago, and Ennis hadn’t been able ta’ keep his eyes off him, though he hadn’t known or understood why.

Ennis pushed that memory away violently. Jack wasn’t here, was he?

Ennis could smell Glen’s good smell of horses and sweat and man, leaned in a little to get it better. Fuck Jack, that’s what he was thinkin’ on. He took another inhale of Glen’s shirt, took a breath and pressed himself up tight against him, pressin’ Glen back hard against his truck. He couldn’t bring his lips ta’ his, couldn’t do it, not yet, but he let his mouth press up hard against his neck, said “think I can give ya’ what ya’ need.”

Ennis felt a shudder run through Glen at his words, his breathin’ speed up. He could feel their cocks hardenin’ under their jeans as they panted and pressed up against each other. Around the corner, Ennis could see the bar’s neon light reflected, flashin’ against the grocery window, flashin’ a sickly yellow color on the hard ground. He had to look away, but he couldn’t look at Glen neither.

Sure ‘nuf, Ennis del Mar was queer, gay as all get out, respondin’ ta’ this man like he never responded to no Alma or Cassie, though it weren’t like with Jack neither, nothin’ was like with Jack.

Pain lanced Ennis’ heart at the thought of Jack, and he pushed up hard against Glen ta’ try ta’ drive it away. Jack did this all the time, got off with some other guy. Why shouldn’t he? Why should Jack get ta’ do this scot free, Ennis never gettin’ none?

Bile rose up in his throat and his stomach clenched, even as he felt his cock respond from rubbin’ against this man, imaginin’ the dark thrill of his flesh hot against this man’s. It was all wrong and he knew it, crampin’ his stomach into knots.

He scrabbled for the envelope with the flower in it that he always carried ‘round in his shirt pocket. Wasn’t there. Where the hell was it? He needed it, needed it now ta’ remind him of what was true. Panic overcame him, mixed and fed the desire as was risin’ up in him at Glen’s proximity. His cock was risin’, his breath speedin’ up, his hands itchin’ to feel a man under ‘em.

Jesus Christ, he was queer, fuck, queer all the way through, no woman ever doin‘ ta’ him what this almost-stranger was, just bein’ up against him like this.

But where was Jack? Where was that flower as reminded him of Jack and their love? Fuck. ‘Cause love it was, how could he have not seen all them years, or seen but pushed it down? Pushed it down like every feelin’ he had, like he’d pushed down this cravin’ for man’s flesh underneath him.

Where was Jack? Who was Ennis without him? How could he stay ta’ the right road without that flower from Jack, somethin’ precious from that man’s heart, a man as never gave such a thing as that ta’ anyone, as Ennis had known so well.

Glen’s hand went smoothin’ down Ennis’ side, then lower ta’ curve soft over his ass. Bolt of fire coursed through Ennis, bolt of shame too.

What kind of man was he as needed some dead flower ta’ tell him what was true? What kind of man was he as would turn his back on the man who’d been true to him, true in his own way, for well on twenty years?

Ennis knew damn well that Jack only turned ta’ other guys ‘cause Ennis couldn’t give him what he needed, woulda stuck with Ennis and Ennis only if that’d been somethin’ Ennis coulda offered.

Ennis couldn’t give Jack what he wanted, couldn’t give him that sweet life, but he could give him his loyalty, it bein’ the only thing he could give Jack all them years.

He was a poor excuse for a man, always had been, but his feelin’ for Jack, his feelin’ for his daughters, that was the truest part of him.

He didn’t need that flower to know this was wrong, wrong on all counts, and not even somethin’ as he really wanted. Some part of him as wanted ta’ destroy the best things in his life wanted this, not the real Ennis. The real Ennis wanted one person and one person only. Wasn’t right to Jack, wasn’t right to Glen, and most of all wasn’t right to Ennis, to do this. Only possible result of this was destroyin’ Ennis’ only hope of happiness, somethin’ true that made up the core of him. He had a lot of experience with destroyin’ true things. Somethin’ he had too much experience with. Somethin’ he was good at.

He didn’t need no envelope, no flower, no words from Jack ta’ know what Jack felt on him. He’d known Jack Twist a long time, and while their days together didn’t total up to many, Ennis knew the man well, real well – he’d just not always wanted to know what he knew.

This was all wrong. It was wrong, not Jack, Jack was all he wanted. Jack hadn’t said fer him to leave, he hadn’t actually said that.

This was the wrong man – wrong smell, wrong height, wrong feel under his arms. “No.” His voice came out weak, but it came out.

“No.” Glen spoke at the same second as Ennis, eased away at the same time. He was shakin’ his head. “You’re a mess, anyone can see that.” He kicked the gravel. “I ain’t gonna go poachin’ on Jack’s territory, and I ain’t gonna do nothin’ with someone as messed up as you are right now.”

Ennis looked at his shoes. “M’ sorry.” Glen blew out a breath. “Yeah, well I’m sorry too. Shit. Listen. I think we’d be real compatible - real compatible. If you get this straightened out, ya’ wanna try it, let me know.”

Glen took a step back, his fingers seemin’ reluctant to leave Ennis’ shirt. “I can’t believe I’m sayin’ this, but I hope it works out for you’n Jack. Shit.” He kicked some more gravel, looked up at Ennis considerin’. “You safe ta’ get home? I kin drive you.”

Ennis shook his head. “Nah.” He turned away, then turned back ta’ Glen. “Listen, Glen, sorry. Yer a good man.” To his shame, his voice was close ta’ breakin’.

Glen just nodded, sharp, and Ennis walked away towards his truck. When he looked back, Glen was standin’ next ta’ his pickup, barely visible in the dark corner, leanin’ his head in his hands against the driver’s side door. He suddenly straightened up, kicked at the truck, and pulled himself up into the driver’s seat, slammin’ the door and revvin’ the engine at the same time.

Ennis quick got in his own truck, feelin’ of sadness for Glen momentarily weighin’ on him pretty hard. Feelin’ of sadness for himself, for Jack, crashin’ on him next. Why did they all have to be so alone?

He drove careful the coupla miles to the little road ta’ home, grippin’ the wheel tight on the narrow dark roads. And there was the house, loomin’ in the dark. Ennis leaned his head down on the steerin’ wheel for a minute, took a deep breath, steeled himself for the lonely tent.

Some impulse made him walk ta’ the front door of the house, stand and stare at what he’d been buildin’. It sure looked strong and tall, here in the dark like this. Roof was goin’ on this week, then the insides was getting’ finished.

He’d had dreams as he didn’t want ta’ share with no one, didn’t really admit even to himself, vague dreams of him and Jack after a hard day, sittin’ on this porch, sharin’ a beer, just talkin’ and shootin’ the shit. He sighed. Didn’t know as it was ever goin’ ta’ work, whether them vague dreams was ever gonna come true.

He turned ta’ walk ta’ the tent, but as he turned, somethin’ on the front door caught a glint of starlight. He turned back, walked close ta’ the door.

There, taped on tight, a piece of paper, folded in half. He reached out a hand that, he had ta’ admit, was tremblin’. Maybe it was his walkin’ papers, from John Twist, or even Jack, callin’ and leavin’ a message.

He opened the paper, saw a coupla lines written in a hand he recognized from grocery lists he’d insisted on shoppin’ for. Evelyn wrote this note, then. He could make out the first word by starlight – “Jack” – but nothin’ more, so he fumbled in the tent for his flashlight. He sat on his bedroll clutchin’ that paper, shone the light on it.

The paper said, “Jack called. Said please stay. He’ll call tomorrow noon. Stay. Please. Evelyn.”

Ennis’ heart leapt and he felt a little dizzy. His eyes stung as he stared at the little paper. He had to chuckle a little through the emotion, thinkin’ on how he doubted Jack Twist woulda said please twice. Once, possible. Twice, no way. Jack was prouder than that, never begged, though he always kept comin’ back on Ennis. Man never gave up, always buggin’ Ennis ‘bout bein’ together. Till he stopped even tryin’. Ennis thought with warmth on Evelyn, probably addin’ that last “please,” her knowin’ her boy so well.

He clutched that note to him, why the hell not, no one could see, and curled down to sleep. He didn’t need no please or thank you from Jack, Jack callin’ – callin’ from the road, callin’ collect most likely from some truck stop – that was good, real good, he had ta’ admit, Jack’s nasty words echoin’ still in his head, his own words not much better.

Next he knew, it was the pre-dawn time he always got up. As he grabbed for some clothes in the lightenin’ dark, head poundin’, somethin’ rustled on the bedroll. The note from Jack’s ma, and right underneath, the envelope with that flower he’d been carryin’ around forever. Musta fallen out before yesterday, him unaware. He stared at that envelope a minute, opened it and held that dry stem of lupine, its blue still bright even in the dimness of the tent.

He fingered it gently, put it back soft in the envelope, reached ta’ stick it in his shirt pocket. He stopped, considerin’. Last night, just the memory of it had been enough ta’ stop him from makin’ a terrible mistake. Maybe it could stay here, safe in the tent, and it could still help him. Maybe he didn’t need it right there with him, and it still had power over him.

He picked up the note from Jack’s momma, Jack’s words on it, folded it up and put it in the envelope with the lupine, tucked it in the corner of the duffel he kept them verses from Solomon’s Song in. The shirt he took from Jack was there, too, and he brought it slow to his face, breathin’ in the smell of Jack as still clung to it.

He heard the crowin’ of a rooster, hurried to wrap that shirt ‘round the envelope, stuffed it all down into the bag.

He drove his truck down the rutted connectin’ path ta’ the main house, walked fast to the house ta’ grab a bite before the long mornin’s work. He walked into the kitchen, saw no one sittin’ in the dining room yet, saw Evelyn with her back ta’ the door, choppin’ potatoes.

He said “mornin’” and she turned, swift, clutched the counter behind her. “Ennis!” Relief washed over her face, touchin’ Ennis somewhere deep. Then she’d taken a stride or two toward him and given him a swift hard hug before he could do more than bring his arms ‘round her loose.

She was pushin’ back in less than a second, swipin’ her apron over her eyes. “Sorry.” She turned back ta’ the potatoes.

Ennis walked over ta’ where she was choppin’, put his hand real tentative on her shoulder. “Nothin’ for you ta’ be sorry on. Sorry if you was worried.”

“Worried!” She turned to face him, dark circles clear under her eyes now. “John says them things” – she pursed her lips angrily – “then my boy takes off out o’ nowhere – “ she gripped the knife harder, knuckles showin’ white – “you two have words – Jack calls late last night all upset, then you weren’t at yer tent or the house at that god-awful hour.”

She sniffed and attacked an errant potato. “Yes I was worried.”

Ennis felt awkward, not wantin’ ta’ share his and Jack’s business, but knowin’ she knew most of it anyway, deserved ta’ know more. He took a knife from the drawer and started skinnin’ potatoes alongside her. “Sorry.”

She nodded, said, “I’ve never heard Jack like that.” She turned full on to Ennis, waited till he raised his eyes to her. “He - .” She stopped, bit off what she was goin’ ta’ say, started again. “All them years, he came home after them trips with you, and he tried ta’ hide it, but he was so sad.”

Ennis looked down at the potatoes, then forced himself ta’ look up to her. She looked straight in his eyes. “He was frantic when he called last night, Ennis, frantic you’d leave.” She laughed, a short bark. “He’d never speak ta’ me again if he knew I told you that.” She shook her head, changed her voice to a steely tone. “I don’t want him sad no more. You hear me?”

Ennis nodded, shufflin’ his feet.

“If you can’t take it for the long haul, better that you do leave now. Don’t think my boy can take much more sad.” Her knife stopped its choppin’. “I worry about him.” She turned and looked at Ennis again. “I worry about him so much.”

“Me too, ma’am.” For once Evelyn didn’t protest bein’ called ma’am. Ennis cleared his throat. “I won’t leave. Ain’t leavin’ ‘less he tells me to. Here fer the long haul. I want the long haul.”

To his shame, his eyes misted a little, so he set to choppin’ again. After a bit, Evelyn said, “I know he’s quick on the trigger, maybe says things he don’t mean. Ain’t sayin’ it’s your fault.”

“I know he does.”

“Just sayin’ – oh, Ennis - .” She turned full to him, tears wellin’ in her eyes – “I never heard him like that, so sorry, so afraid.”

Ennis covered her hand with his, said low and strong, “I owe him twenty years o’ hurt. Ain’t gonna let no nasty words of his drive me off. Gotta admit it was a close call, but it won’t be next time.” She turned a watery smile to him. “You’re a good man, Ennis. A good man. Now, let’s stop all this nonsense and start plannin’ for your girls’ visit.”

He smiled at her. “You sure it ain’t no inconvenience?”

“Ennis, I warned you the other day. You say that again, I’ll take my spoon to you.” She grabbed her big wooden spoon off the counter and waved it threateningly.

“Okay, ma’am.” She raised an eyebrow. “Evelyn.”

She got a serious look again. “You going to be able to stand my husband?”

Ennis nodded. “I’ve been puttin’ my head down and pullin’ a harness my whole life. Nasty words can’t drive me off.”

She nodded. “He wasn’t always like that. Life tends ta’ beat some folks down. ‘Nuf said.”

Ennis said to the potatoes. “I wouldn’t presume ta’ talk on yer husband.”

She just nodded, and Ennis hurried to drink coffee and eat some eggs and toast, headed out for the mornin’ chores. He was behind on everythin’, needed ta’ catch up on all the hands, the stock, the equipment, all of it. Coupla roofs needed shinglin’, the stock needed brandin’, and all the jobs of late summer were comin’ on strong.

The day was provin’ out ta’ be another scorcher, thunderheads already buildin’ ‘round the horizon by the time he headed into the noon meal. After lunch he had ta’ figure out how the inventory was goin’, set the boys goin’ on brandin’, and a host of other things as lined up in his head.

He started thinkin’ on the girls’ arrivin’ in a coupla days, despite bein’ distracted thinkin’ on Jack maybe callin’ him at the lunch hour. What would the girls do up here all that time, nothin’ ‘round ta’ entertain them, Ennis havin’ ta’ work so hard this time o’ year? Maybe his house would be ready ta’ live in by then, and that’d be pretty sweet, the girls fillin’ it up with their things and their laughter. Maybe he should get a television or somethin’, too. ‘Course, chances were the girls would choose ta’ stay in the main house with Evelyn, he’d offer them that choice sure ‘nuf.

He had thought he’d wait to move into the house till Jack came, but now he thought it was better ta’ do it now, move in and be there, just be there, holdin’ Jack’s place, long as it took. ‘Course that was assumin’ Jack still really wanted him ta’ stay, and his insides crawled thinkin’ on Jack callin’ him in a few hours.

Before he knew it his watch said noon and he was sittin’ at the dinin’ table in the Twists’ house, toyin’ with his food like some gal. John Twist ate at lightnin’ speed and left, thank god, contentin’ himself with a few sneerin’ glances.

Ennis finally couldn’t excuse the waitin’ no more, pushed back to leave. It was almost a shock when the phone did ring. Evelyn, silent till now, said soft, “you answer it, Ennis, I’m going out.”

Before he could protest, she was gone, and Ennis realized he’d better hurry or whoever it was would give up. “Hello?” His voice came out a little choked.

“Ennis?” Jack’s voice.

“Yeah, it’s me.” Ennis’ voice came out hoarse.

“Oh thank god you’re there.” Jack broke off. Ennis heard him gasp out some air on the other end of the line.

“Jack.” Ennis had to bite his lip and his eyes were stingin’ bad. He put his hand over his eyes ta’ feel more like he was with Jack, though he was so many miles away. Through the phone line, he could hear a voice pagin’ someone on a loudspeaker, then someone, a woman, sayin’ in the distance, “Jack?”

Jack said, aimin’ his voice away, “be there in a minute – have to finish this call.” His voice came back close to the phone. “Ennis.” There was a world o’ feelin’ in that name.

Ennis croaked out, “Got your ma’s note. Late last night.”

Jack said, “You leavin’?”

Ennis shook his head there in that kitchen, heard Jack’s breathin’ on the other end. Heard the years and years of waitin’ and disappointment. “No.”

There was a long pause, then Jack said low, “I said some things - .”

“You always was hot tempered, Jack. I said things, too. I’m stayin’.”

There was silence again on the other end of the phone, and Ennis pictured Jack bitin’ his lip, coverin’ his eyes, tryin’ to keep it together. “Bud?” Ennis’ voice was soft.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m glad. Real glad. Fuck it, Ennis, I’m sorry for - .”

“We both got things ta’ be sorry for, Jack. Point is, I’m here and not leavin’. “

“Allright. Allright, listen. I just got here a few minutes ago, and things is bad. Real bad. I’m not sure what happened, it’s not good.”

Ennis swallowed. “He gonna make it?”

Jack cleared his throat. “They’re sayin’ maybe. Somethin’ broke in his spine, internal injuries, it’s bad. Patsy’s beside herself. Lureen’s helpin’ with the kids, I’m supposed to help with the doctors, only they’re not talkin’ sense. Sayin’ can’t have been an accident, so - .” Jack broke off. “Listen, I gotta go. I’ll call you in a coupla days. I’m gonna come back up there soon’s I can, real soon Ennis, get things figured out. Hopin’ in a coupla weeks.”

“Sure.” Ennis worked hard to make his voice come out neutral.

They hadn’t known each other for twenty years for nothin’ though, and Jack said, “I was gonna tell you when I was there, but there wasn’t time. I - .” Ennis heard Jack take a breath. “I started ta’ talk ta’ Lureen. Before I came up there. I was gonna tell you that, talk through what ta’ do ‘bout that and Bobby, then I got that fuckin’ phone call.”

“You meanin’ what I think?”

“Yeah.”

Ennis couldn’t talk if his life depended on it. Jack took a breath, went on. “Lureen and I – well, wasn’t easy.”

Ennis sucked in some air, since Jack needed him ta’ talk. He managed, “she take it hard?”

“Yeah. Yes and no. We ain’t – we ain’t been much but partners fer a long time. But, it’s been a long time.”

“Makes sense. Yer bound ta’ feel stuff too.” Ennis remembered his partin’ with Alma, the sadness of that, remembrin’ their younger selves, full o’ the future.

“Yeah. Told her gonna do it right, she agrees. We’re sort of – “ Ennis could feel Jack search for a word “sort of friends. Gonna have to make things right with Bobby, too. He’ll be a senior, ain’t too bad, but he needs his daddy right now. Ennis, I know -.” Jack paused again, took an audible breath. “What yer doin’ Ennis, it’s amazin’. Want you to know I’m appreciatin’ it. Ah, shit, words ain’t enough for this. Appreciatin’ it big time. “ Jack lowered his voice. “Thinkin’ of you.”

Ennis struggled ta’ think of what to say, hearin’ Jack put out his feelins’ like that. Wasn’t much, but he managed, “thinkin’ on you, too, Jack,” puttin’ as much feelin’ as he could into them words over a phone line. And there was a thing ta’ tell Jack.

“Listen, Jack, I’m gettin’ a phone put in. Got the number already, but it’ll be some time till they get it hooked up. You can call me and I won’t be in yer folks’ kitchen.”

Jack attempted a laugh. “The Pentacost is here fer sure. Ennis del Mar got his own fuckin’ phone.”

“Wasn’t gonna spend yer money on it, but the suppliers and such are insistin’ on it.”

“Damn straight. Cain’t run a ranch without no phone. Give me the number.”

Ennis did, and Jack sighed. “That’s good. Real good. You still have my P.O. box address? If ya’ ever need ta’ send me somethin’ private that Lureen cain’t see? “

“Yeah.”

“Ennis?” Jack’s voice sounded worried now.

“Yeah Jack?”

“Did you almost leave yesterday?”

Ennis swallowed. He’d never noticed the pretty paper ‘round the top of Evelyn’s kitchen. Had that been there when he’d first moved here? He wasn’t sure. He wanted ta’ lie to Jack, wanted it bad. Tellin’ truths was hard, but he remembered it was worth it.

“Ennis?” Jack let his worry show in his voice.

“Came close. Too close. Ain’t gonna happen again.”

“I know. I won’t be such a dick again, I - .”

“Listen ta’ me, asshole. I’m sayin’ I ain’t gonna leave ‘less you tell me to. Even if yer a dick. ‘Specially when yer a dick.”

Jack was silent, Ennis too. Lots o’ time went by, hospital sounds in the background, before Jack spoke again.

“Allright, friend. Same here.” Jack wasn’t even tryin’ ta’ hide the fact he was emotional, real emotional.

A woman’s voice, insistent, called Jack again.

Ennis said, “you gotta go,” let his voice go full o’ feelin’ and tenderness.

“Yeah. Ennis, remember all them things I said. Said ta’ ya’ when I was there? I meant ‘em. Ain’t saying nothin’ no more that isn’t the whole truth.”

“Yeah. You take care, Jack.”

The line went dead and Ennis hung up the receiver slow, replayin’ Jack’s worry and relief in his head. Even that part of Ennis as never believed nothin’ good was startin’ to believe Jack meant it, no other guy meant ta’ Jack what Ennis did. And really, Ennis knew that, somewhere deep inside, didn’t he? Jack wasn’t one ta’ throw words ‘round ‘bout his feelins’, and he’d told Ennis he was all he wanted, over and over. He’d told him at that fella’s cabin, and he’d told him at that Devil’s Tower. Ennis knew Jack’d never said those things ta’ no one else, knew it somewhere deep inside. And really, wasn’t that what Jack’d been sayin’ for twenty years? Sayin’ by drivin’ all them miles, year after year, showin’ up time and again, no matter that Ennis said them cuttin’ things. That’s what Jack’d been sayin’ – all he wanted was Ennis.

The rest of the day and on into the night he felt a warm feelin’ radiatin’ through his whole self. A prize calf seemin’ low didn’t change it. John Twist’s sneer didn’t change it, not even crawlin’ into that lonely tent changed it. He let himself think on movin’ into the house, paintin’ the walls that lupine blue, showin’ some faith Jack’d be comin’.

Jack’d sounded mighty low, mighty tired, soundin’ like life was catchin’ up ta’ him. Jack’d sure as shit swallowed his pride ta’ be callin’ like that, lettin’ Ennis hear the relief in his voice ta’ know Ennis had stayed.

Maybe they were learnin’ how to stay the course even when times got tough and words got exchanged. Seemed like they was both so scared of the other sayin’ goodbye. Maybe someday they could be sure neither one of ‘em would ever do that. It’d be sweet if they could fight, say their truths, but know weren’t no one leavin’.

Jack angry was a sight ta’ behold, hands on hips, flashin’ eyes, head thrust forward. He was a real man, and Ennis could relish even the fightin’ if they was together. Maybe after they fought, Jack’d take him ta bed, press him down onto the sheets, do some of them things he liked so much hard n’ fierce ta’ Ennis.

Or maybe if they fought Ennis’d build a fire in the fireplace, sit down next ta’ Jack on the sofa gentle-like, offer a hand quiet for Jack ta’ take when he was ready.

Ennis feel asleep with a smile on his lips, thinkin’ on the possibility of fightin’ with Jack in a world where they didn’t leave, always came back ta’ this house, ta’ each other.

The next week was a blur of work, it comin’ into one of the busiest seasons. Joe and Early were dealin’ with sheep and cattle on the allotments, so Charlie and he had to do double duty. Bonnie was supervisin’ the finishin’ of the outside of the house, so there was always some emergency there, too. Ennis had given up on tryin’ to help on the house himself, since he was workin’ now from the pre-dawn till almost midnight, doin’ paperwork by lantern light. A crew had the roof on in a day, and Ennis swallowed hard ta’ see the house standin’ whole before his eyes.

All Ennis’ hard work didn’t do nothin’ ta’ push thoughts o’ Jack from his mind, every day wonderin’ what was happenin’ down in Texas and, if he let himself, wonderin’ if Jack was ever goin’ ta’ make it to Lightnin’ Flat to live. He was worried, too, wonderin’ what Jack had meant ‘bout his friend’s injuries not bein’ no accident.

And despite Jack’s words to Ennis, he’d sounded pretty stuck down there, with lots of things holdin’ him in Texas. He’d said he’d talked ta’ Lureen, though, so - .

Ennis cut his thoughts off with impatience. He’d been over this ground so many times. Didn’t do no good ta’ think on it.

He tried ta’ cancel his dinner with Lisa and Bonnie, but Bonnie wouldn’t hear of it when she came out to supervise the roof of the house goin’ on. “Come on, Ennis, Lisa already got some special stuff ta’ cook. No sense in it goin’ ta’ waste. No sense in you sittin’ out here alone.”

Ennis looked at his feet, and Bonnie’s voice came out quiet. “We won’t make you talk or nothin’, Ennis. Just come and eat, sit quiet like, get away from this place fer an hour or two.”

Ennis nodded, reluctant, but showed up on time, bottle o’ somethin’ from the store ta’ drink in hand. True to Bonnie’s word, they didn’t make him talk ‘bout what was happenin’ with Jack. Talked a lot about animals and medicine, Bonnie sittin’ quiet, then talked ‘bout the finishins’ on the house, Lisa sittin’ quiet for that. They looked at pictures of the dishwasher and countertops and stuff as Bonnie had arrivin’ in a few days, her lookin’ at him hard to make sure he liked ‘em. He’d thrown up his hands in exasperation some time ago at all the choices, asked her could she please just pick the stuff for him, nothin’ frilly or fancy, just like their place.

Bonnie finally stretched, probably seein’ Ennis was droopin’, but too polite ta’ leave so soon. “Well, it’s been nice, but I better go study. Got finals tomorrow night for my summer term class.”

Ennis turned to Bonnie surprised. The woman kept amazin’ him. “You’re takin’ a class? How’n hell ya’ doin’ that? Ain’t no school for miles around.”

Bonnie nodded. “Yeah. Takin’ it down to the community college in Gilette, they got a little branch there. Been doin’ it forever, once a week, gettin’ my diploma. How many years you think, Lisa?”

Lisa furrowed her forehead. “Maybe three years now? I’m really proud of her.” Lisa smiled a warm smile at Bonnie, reached her hand out as if to stroke her arm, then stopped it, brought it back to her own body, cleared her throat.

Ennis looked at them there, Lisa feelin’ warm on Bonnie, her seein’ Bonnie's strength, workin’ for so long for such a thing, said, surprisin’ even himself, “you gals can touch each other ‘round me, ya’ know.” His own nerve embarrassed him, and he found some magazine on the coffee table real interestin’ all of a sudden.

Bonnie pushed out a breath, said “Ennis, don’t worry about it. We’re used ta’ it, don’t mean nothin’.” He looked up, and Lisa was lookin’ at him hard. She said, “think he means it,” and moved her hand to brush, gentle, on Bonnie’s arm. Bonnie looked at Ennis, and he tried ta’ hold his eyes steady, though he had ta’ admit it took some effort, him never seein’ such a thing in his life, him raised ta’ think it all a sin. Bonnie brought her other hand ta’ cover Lisa’s on her arm, held it there for a second or two, then they went back to sittin’ separate on the sofa.

Lisa broke the embarrassed silence. “First time we ever done that in front of anybody outside of that time we visited San Francisco.”

Bonnie said, “holy moly, ya’ can’t believe what ya’ see there just walkin’ down the street in broad daylight.” They all laughed, a little too loud, but Ennis could tell he’d done a good thing.

Eventually Bonnie said, “So anyway, I dropped out o’ school ‘cause o’ gettin’ pregnant, marryin’ my ex.” Her face fell into serious lines. “He wasn’t keen on me gettin’ more schoolin’.” She looked up at Ennis with a big smile. “But now I’m just a coupla classes away from gettin’ my G.E.D., and I’m learnin’ all this engineerin’ and draftin’ and stuff as helps with my work. Plus general schoolin’ like history and readin’ and stuff.”

Ennis nodded, thoughtful.

Bonnie cocked her head. “You know, I sure have been wishin’ I had someone ta’ share the drive with. You don’t have an interest in some college, do you?”

Ennis looked at the floor. “Cain’t go to no college. Never finished high school.”

“But that’s what I’m sayin’!” Bonnie nodded her head when he looked up. “I’m gettin’ my G.E.D. Means it’s like a high school diploma. And I ain’t stoppin’ there. Once I get that, I’m takin’ real college classes.”

“It counts for high school?”

“You bet. And they give you credits for real life stuff you’ve done, so it don’t take as long as you think.” Bonnie hopped up. “Hold on a minute.” She returned in seconds, somethin’ in her hand. “Here.” She stuck a thing like a book in Ennis’ hands. “This is the catalog of classes, how to register and stuff. I go every Wednesday night. Sure could use a drivin’ partner.”

Ennis looked at the brochures and catalog for a second, tried ta’ make out the writin’. “I - . I cain’t - .”

Lisa moved over to where he was sittin’ on the sofa. “Ennis, you cain’t read it?” She said it quiet, held up her hand so Bonnie’d be quiet.

Ennis shook his head. “Ain’t that I can’t read, though I’m not fast like some. Just can’t see too good.”

Lisa grabbed Ennis’ arm, stood up and pulled him with her. “Come here.”

Ennis shook his head. “What’re ya’ doin’?” but didn’t resist her pullin’.

“Men!” Lisa muttered, draggin’ him into her vet office. “Now sit down right there,” she said, pushin’ him into the chair in her waitin’ area. She rustled behind the counter for a few minutes, came toward him with a few pairs of glasses in her hands. “Ain’t no eye doctor for fifty miles, no doctor for twenty or so, so folks come ta’ me fer all kinds o’ stuff. Here, try these on.” She thrust a pair of glasses toward Ennis, put the catalog into his hands. “See if you can see better now.”

Ennis looked. The catalog had a nice picture of a school, said Crook County Community College on it. “Now try these.” Lisa ripped the glasses off him, stuck some other ones on. Couldn’t see as much, and he shook his head. “One more.” She stuck the last pair on him. Damn. He could read the fine print on there, as said “high school diploma equivalency.” Wasn’t sure what “equivalency” meant, but the high school diploma he sure understood. Wave of feelin’ went through him that surprised him, him comin’ ta’ terms years ago with endin’ his education at freshman, or so he’d thought. Most of the kids in his high school hated it, couldn’t wait till class was over, but for Ennis, it was a darn sight better’n the work he knew he’d be doin’ soon enough. He’d always hoped he’d at least make it ta’ sophomore, somethin’ ‘bout that name soundin’ grand.

He shook his head. “I’m too old, don’t make no sense.”

Bonnie’s voice came soft behind him. Apparently she’d come in when he hadn’t noticed. “Got guys in my classes older than you. One guy’s a World War Two vet, made his goal ta’ get his high school by the time he’s sixty five. Got two buddies as was in ‘Nam, your age. Another gal like me. Married young, kids, married.”

“Yeah, well, don’t think I’m interested. But thank you.” Ennis tried to hand the book back ta’ Bonnie, the glasses to Lisa.

Neither of ‘em would take the things back, and Bonnie said. “If I can do it, you can, Ennis. Just think about it. New classes start in September. One night a week, but it builds up and afore you know it, you’ve done it. No one can take it away from me now, what I’ve done. You just think about it. If you decide ta’ do it, I’ll take you and help you register.”

Lisa nodded. “Glasses are on me. Now you can read the damn instructions I give you for your animals.” She turned away. “Men!”

Ennis felt his mouth curl up a little. “Yeah, well, least you don’t have to deal with one most o’ the time,” sendin’ a significant glance at Bonnie.

“Ennis!” Bonnie gasped, and then they was all laughin’.

Ennis threw the catalog in the corner of the truck when he got in. Stupid waste of time he didn’t have, that’s what that was. But kind of them to try. The glasses now, he could use, ‘cause he had ta’ admit he hadn’t been able ta’ make much headway in that Bible he’d stuck in his tent, the print bein’ so small. And maybe he could pick up a good mystery like some of his buddies used ta’ talk about. The store had a few he’d seen.

He wished he did have one of them mystery books or somethin’ when he curled into the damn sleepin’ bag in his tent again. He tossed and turned, though he was exhausted from the brutal schedule on the spread, plus socializin’ with Bonnie and Lisa till late. Sleep wouldn’t come, and he finally admitted to himself there was somethin’ ‘bout bein’ with the gals, seein’ that simple touch, hand to arm, that had him yearnin’ on Jack even more’n all the other nights he lay in this tent and yearned on him.

He’d sworn to himself he wasn’t gonna live on memories no more, but every time he closed his eyes, the image came ta’ mind, hand to arm, hand to arm. Lisa’s hand ta’ Bonnie’s arm. Jack’s hand ta’ his arm, second night they was ever together, gentlin’ him like a horse or a pup. Hand to arm, gentle touch, touch for a low startle point. Hand to arm, him not able ta’ look, heart wantin’ to say sorry, sorry for what I done last night, takin’ you so rough, no words exchanged, sorry for the mornin’, leavin’ like that, not a word and a gun in your face in a place where man could shoot you dead fer somethin’ like that and no one’d convict him, sorry for sayin’ one shot deal, cold and heartless like that.

Jack’s hand to his arm, strokin’ ever so careful, then Ennis gatherin’ up courage from somewhere ta’ look, Jack’s look so gentle, somehow breathin’ “I’m sorry” so low it was hardly words. Then the miracle of Jack, sayin’ “S’alright,” drawin’ Ennis in, kissin’ him so soft and sweet for a minute it seemed like nothin’ ta’ be afraid of. Ennis relaxin’ into it, feelin’ somethin’ bloom in his chest, joy like pain it was so sweet, lettin’ himself be pulled onto Jack’s strong chest, lettin’ himself go, even lettin’ himself pull on Jack, pull him over on top of him ta’ feel it better, the weight of his body pressed down all along his own.

It had felt like some miracle, some hidden treasure no one’d ever bothered ta’ mention ta’ Ennis, their bodies soon naked, but still sweet, Jack’s hands rubbin’ soft all over Ennis, Ennis’ own hands roamin’ free over Jack’s warm smooth skin. The kisses were maybe the most amazin’ thing of all, since up till that night Ennis would’ve sworn he’d of shot someone down dead as said he’d be swappin’ spit with another man, but the wonder of those kisses was still with him today, Jack seemin’ ta’ say with his mouth, I won’t never hurt you, here in the dark we can be soft, and tender, and warm.

Their kisses and their strokin’ had grown more fevered, of course, them bein’ nineteen and no mistake, and it hadn’t taken much before Ennis had spilled, Jack followin’ right after, their spunk minglin’ on Ennis’ belly, Jack’s tongue still in Ennis’ mouth. Jack’d rolled off, but Ennis’ hands had been reluctant ta’ let that skin go, and he’d rolled a little towards him. Jack musta felt the same, ‘cause he just nuzzled into Ennis’ neck and they’d slept a little, Ennis wakin’ up in the middle of the night ta’ the amazin’ feelin’ of Jack Twist’s lips wrapped ‘round his cock, and Ennis honestly thought at first he had died and gone to heaven, the feelin’ was so amazin’. He’d heard rumors of such things, but Alma’d never let him get past about first base, and he knew that even if Alma was to do such a thing, highly doubtful, it’d never feel like it did with Jack.

Ennis gave in and let himself go, let himself touch himself in that goddamned tent, thinkin’ on Jack, and if there was tears on his pillow that night he figured that was allright, the memory of their younger selves was so sweet. Better than the tears on his pillow in his nightmare, where all he had left of Jack was dreams.

The next day dawned early, and Ennis kept his thoughts firm on the girls comin’, ‘cause comin’ they was, tomorrow, on the Greyhound ‘cause Alma’d convinced him it didn’t make no sense for Ennis to drive all the way to Riverton and back, twice. “Them girls is old enough to run with boys and sass me, they’re old enough ta’ ride a bus. It’ll be good for’em, show ‘em a little o’ the world. I’d never seen nothin’ of the world when I was their age. When I met you. Maybe it woulda helped me.”

Ennis had to clear his throat. “Maybe - . Maybe I can take ‘em somewhere someday, if this place gets runnin’ right – show ‘em a bit more?”

Alma snorted. “This is the man who wouldn’t drive an hour with me’n the girls ta’ go to the lake with my folks.”

“Yeah, well. I’ll take good care of ‘em, Alma, I promise.”

“You do that. Francie won’t bring her inhaler places ‘cause it’s not ‘cool’ – you make sure she does.”

“I know.” Ennis remembered with a shudder them heart-stoppin’ moments when Francie struggled fer each breath as a child.

“Don’t let them swim in nothin’ deep ‘less you’re around – the Taylors just lost their oldest boy horsin’ at the lake – divin’ where it wasn’t deep enough.”

“Allright, Alma, I promise - .”

“And don’t be tellin’ ‘em more’n they need ta’ know. You take my meanin’?”

“Yeah, I take yer meanin’. Alma - .”

“I’m sendin’ a gift for Mrs. Twist ‘cause that’s what yer supposed ta’ do. Make sure they give it ta’ her.”

“Sure. Alma, listen - .”

“And the girls need new shoes but we ain’t had time ta’ - .”

“Alma.” Ennis let his voice get louder. “Alma, stop. Listen ta’ me. I’ll take good care of ‘em, I promise.” He made his voice gentle. “You ain’t never been without ‘em, have you?”

There was silence on the other end, and a sniff. “Reckon not.”

“Yer a good momma to ‘em, Alma. They’ll be back afore you know it. Ain’t nothin’ goin’ ta’ take them very far from you fer very long.”

Alma sniffed. “That man there?”

Ennis tensed, remembered Alma was a wronged woman, took a breath and said “Nah. Not gonna be.”

“Good thing. Don’t want the girls exposed ta’ none o’ that.”

Ennis bit his tongue, reflectin’ on the miracle that she was even lettin’ the girls come at all.

There was silence for a minute. Then Alma said, smaller voice, “I know you’ll do right by ‘em.”

Ennis swallowed, just said “appreciate it, Alma.”

Next mornin’ at breakfast Ennis fell asleep sittin’ up at the table, flush risin’ ta’ his face when he jerked awake. John Twist grimaced, said “what kinda boss don’t see he’s spreadin’ everyone too thin, self included? Got some boys comin’ in today ta’ help through the fall. Here any time.”

It took a minute fer Ennis ta’ figure out what Twist was sayin’, then he shook his head. “Don’t need no more help. I can just work harder.”

Twist snorted. “Yer gonna be one o’ them farm accidents any day. ‘Sides, Charlie and Joe n’ Early are gonna fall down dead if we don’t hire help. Always do this time o’ year.”

Ennis felt his flush spread further. “Not gonna be throwin’ money away.”

“Now you listen here, Ennis.” John leaned across the table. “I ain’t payin’ when the insurance goes up ‘cause yer too shitty a boss ta’ see the boys is walkin’ ‘round too tired ta’ shit. You don’t like what I done, tough. Fine by me.” Twist pushed back and stalked out of the room.

The new hands showed up right after, peelin’ out in the drive, raisin’ a cloud o’ dust as pissed Ennis off, seein’ as how Evelyn’s flowers was right there. He was kickin’ himself, though, for not seein’ the obvious – he shoulda hired on extra help weeks ago. He was tryin’ so hard not ta’ spend Jack’s money, he’d forgot there weren’t no ranch as didn’t hire on extra hands by mid-summer, and here it was goin’ on ta’ August. It stuck in his craw every time he had ta’ spend a dime, feelin’ like some kept man or somethin’.

Turned out the guys was younger than Joe and Early and older than Charlie, a few years younger than Ennis, and there was three of ‘em. Ennis didn’t particularly like the look of ‘em, bit too loud for his tastes, but they knew what they was doin’. Pete, who seemed the steadiest, he sent off ta’ work with Charlie on the fence line, and Buck and Ken he kept closer ta’ home. They were annoyin’ no doubt, but did know ranchin’. Ennis just gritted his teeth when they started talkin’ on pussy an’ tits, not that he himself hadn’t talked like that some, but not on no new job where he didn’t know the guys he was workin’ with. Certainly was a time that he’d joked ‘round like that too, but fer these guys it was every second.

One scorchin’ day Joe brought some stock in ta’ get ready for the count, and Ennis heard raised voices near the barn. Ennis heard Joe’s voice over ‘em all. “Sick o’ you bein’ disrespectful ta’ the ladies. I gotta wife an’ daughter and I don’ wanna listen ta’ yer stupid braggin’ as is a lie anyway ‘bout deflowerin’ some thirteen year old girl.”

News to Ennis Joe was married, though now he thought on it Joe always did disappear on days off, asked for those days off in blocks, too. Ennis cursed himself again for not knowin’ somethin’ like that, somethin’ important ‘bout his hands. Some kinda boss he was, not even knowin’ the simple facts ‘bout his men. He’d pegged Joe at first for a sorry hand, ‘cause he had a slouchin’ look to him, and hadn’t looked Ennis in the face when he talked ta’ him, but he’d turned out ta’ be steady. Seemed like he’d been standin’ up a little straighter recently, too, lookin’ Ennis more in the face. Well, workin’ for Twist could turn a guy a little sour, no doubt.

Ennis was close enough now ta’ see Buck leer, poke Ken in the ribs. “Sounds like someone’s pussy-whipped himself.” Ken cackled, and Joe advanced on ‘em with balled fists. “Big ol’ faggot if you ask me,” Ken sneered.

Ennis closed his eyes, struggled to breathe against the vise clampin’ ‘round his chest. He felt his hands fist, his vision when he opened his eyes narrow to just Buck. Hadn’t heard the word faggot for some time except from Twist, and his whole body wanted to pummel Ken into the ground, stomp out that word, stomp out all evidence inside himself that it fit him.

People was relyin’ on him now, though. Evelyn and even John Twist, the girls, Joe and Early and Charlie, who needed this ranch to work out, and most of all, Jack. Couldn’t haul off and maul a guy as said what half the guys in the county probably said every day for breakfast. Had to see ‘bout makin’ this boss thing work out. He took a deep breath, advanced on the group, tried to channel his rage into his voice. “Ain’t seein’ no work getting’ done, and I think I’m not payin’ you to jaw.”

Ken took a step back from advancin’ toward Joe, and Joe stopped his advance toward Ken, but Buck took another step. “It’s a free country. We’re just jokin’, don’t mean nothin’.”

Ennis glared at him, then glared at the other two. He growled out “times wastin’,” and the tension held, then broke, Buck laughin’ and steppin’ toward the barn, sayin’ low under his breath, “now that one is a faggot – got no woman from what I hear.”

Ennis stiffened, anger and fear pushin’ up his spine like a physical blow. “They from ‘round here?” he asked Joe. Joe nodded. “Local boys. White trash. Them two’ve been kickin’ ‘round Crook County ranches together fer a coupla years. Pieces o’ shit.” Joe spat impressively into the gravel. “Run with a bad crowd. Pete’s okay, but can’t stand up to ‘em.”

“Yeah.” Ennis tried to ball the feelins’ up, stick ‘em in a hidden place inside. “Well, we’ll soon not need ‘em no more.”

Joe nodded. “Don’t need ta’ tell you ta’ keep your daughters away from ‘em.”

“Yeah. You bet.” Ennis could feel the growl in his voice. “And they better stay away from my daughters. You tell ‘em that.”

Joe nodded again. “My pleasure. But now I think on it, they won’t mess with ‘em anyway. They only mess with them as ain’t got folks ta’ speak for ‘em.”

Ennis nodded. “You’ll be allright?”

Joe grinned. “They know better than ta’ mess with me.”

“Okay then.”

Fear, his old companion, curled itself ‘round Ennis’ gut. Guys like these were troublemakers, and that was the last thing he needed. Guys like these were always on the lookout for folks as was different, tried to stir up trouble.

Well, the ranch needed ‘em now, no doubt, but next time he’d look for help himself – guys as were the quiet type. Didn’t mean those guys wouldn’t despise you just as much as the next guy, if they found out what ya’ did in the dark, but at least they wouldn’t be blabbin’ all over creation.

Ennis felt the fear still roilin’ in his belly, but gave himself a minute to think in amazement at what he’d been thinkin’ on. Yeah, he was afraid, who wouldn’t be, bein’ a guy who fucked a guy in the state of Wyomin’, but he could think over the fear, plan over the fear. The fear was still there, and it probably should be, but it didn’t make him shut down no more, want ta’ curl into a ball somewhere. Made him want ta’ grab his gun, show a fist, but not crawl into a hole. If he turned his back on what he was, that fuckin’ nightmare was gonna start again, he just knew it. If he crawled into a hole, he’d live out his days without Jack. If he stayed upright, stayed smart, they might find a way ta’ be together. It was a strange thing, not lettin’ the fear shut him down, strange and new. Like his momma always said when he was little, wonders never ceased.

 

 

 

The days ticked off slowly, no more word from Jack, and then it was time for the girls ta’ come. Ennis put on his clean shirt and got to town early. Lightnin’ Flat wasn’t even an official stop, but Alma had arranged with the Greyhound fer the girls ta’ be dropped here.

Ennis sat in his truck till he saw the bus chuggin’ down the street. A glad feelin’ rose up strong from his heart, his girls comin’ all this way ta’ see him. Felt different, real different, from pickin’ them up from Alma’s or bringin’ ‘em to his dark trailer.

He stood by the side o’ the road, hat in hand for some reason, tryin’ not ta’ grin like a fool. Sure ‘nuf, here they came, Junior lookin’ like a woman, beautiful young woman with all of life before her, shy smile on her face, but eyes dancin’, Ennis could see. And Francie, that girl full o’ spunk and vinegar, growed into a beautiful colt, all long legs and hair, big ol’ grin on her face, bouncin’ over ta’ him and wrappin’ him in a big hug. Junior, shyer, holdin’ back, but when Ennis turned ta’ her, eyes shiny, and her hand reached out ta’ him a little and he brought an arm ‘round her gentle, she wrapped her arms ‘round him strong and pulled close, and he hugged her good and proper, kissin’ on her hair.

Francine was bouncin’ out of his arms in no time, but Junior said, “we missed you, Daddy,” and Ennis felt their youth still clingin’ to his hands like a livin’ thing and marveled he’d had a part in them comin’ into bein’. Not seein’ the girls since April made him see them clearer than he had for some time. They wasn’t girls no more – they was women, poised on the brink o’ their adult lives.

He remembered the version of Junior as had been in his nightmare, a future Junior wantin’ ta’ marry some fella’ named Kurt, remembered in that dream chokin’ out the question whether Kurt loved her and her wonderin’ look. He squeezed her a little harder to him, let go reluctant. Any time, that part of his dream could come true, Junior a fine young woman now fer sure.

Francie already had their cases, made no bones ‘bout chompin’ at the bit ta’ get goin’. They loaded everythin’ into the truck, Francie chatterin’ a mile a minute, firin’ questions right n’ left.

Ennis’ heart swelled, thinkin’ on these two daughters, so different from each other, yet such good girls. He tried best he could ta’ answer her questions. Yes, there was horses, yes they could ride ‘em with his approvin’ the horse and the ride, yes there was a stream fer takin’ a dip, and a lake he could drive ‘em to one of the days, no there wasn’t much else, not even a t.v., but the store should be deliverin’ the one he ordered tomorrow. Yes there was somethin’ pretty amazin’ to see pretty close by, and he’d take ‘em there ta’ see it while they was here, and no he wasn’t gonna tell ‘em what it was, it was a surprise. Yes the house was almost done, yes the roof was finally on, no there wasn’t no movie theater within fifty miles, and yes they could stay in the house or with the Twists, their choice. And no, the Twists hardly never saw their grandson and yes, they was pleased as punch the girls was comin’, Mrs. Twist makin’ some special dinner even as they spoke.

Evelyn came out on the porch when they pulled up, her bakin’ apron flappin’ in the hot evenin’ wind. She had a huge smile on her face, visible from the gravel parkin’ area in front of the main house.

Ennis said, “she’d kill me if we don’t eat supper here first. Then you can decide where ya’ want ta’ sleep.”

“Daddy.” First time Junior’d spoke the whole drive.

“Yeah, darlin’?”

“Daddy, we want ta’ sleep in that house you’re buildin’.” She lowered her eyes. “If it’s no imposition.”

Warmth bloomed in Ennis. “Never no imposition. Ya’ sure? Not very comfortable yet. I haven’t moved in yet myself.”

Francine said, “well, what’re you waitin’ on daddy?”

Ennis mumbled “just was finished.”

Junior shared a look with Francine, one of them looks girls did with each other. “We’re sure, Daddy. It’s your place. Sure. We’re sure the Twists is nice and all, and it’s kind of them ta’ offer but – we want to. ‘Bout time you moved in, anyway.”

Ennis took a breath. That was settled, then – he’d move in. Seemed right, somehow. He smiled at Junior. “That’ll be just fine, long’s you girls spend some time with Jack’s ma. Think she’s lonesome fer girls. Any grandkids at all for that matter.”

Francie laughed. “We ain’t no grandkids of hers, Daddy, seein’ as how you ain’t married to her kid.”

Ennis fought a blush as threatened to rise, him talkin’ unthinkin’ again, then noticed Junior givin’ him an appraisin’ look he didn’t know how to judge.

Junior said quiet. “Family ain’t always just from marryin’. Daddy’n Mr. Twist’s been friends a long time, Francie.” Francie just rolled her eyes, said back over her shoulder as she pushed the car door open, “I know Daddy didn’t mean we was her grandkids. Jeez!”

By the time Ennis and Junior’d made it to the porch steps, Francie was already gabbin’ up a storm with Evelyn, Evelyn with a delighted smile on her face. Ennis harrumphed. “Francine, you introduce yerself proper?”

Francie opened her mouth to respond, but Evelyn cut in first. “She certainly did, Ennis. You can tell she’s been raised right. Real polite.” Francie beamed, then frowned at Ennis, and Evelyn turned to Junior, who was a step behind Ennis. Evelyn put out her hand, said gentle, “and this young lady must be Alma. Such a beautiful name. Though I think Junior suits you too.”

Junior shook her hand with a little smile. “Pleased ta’ meet you, ma’am. So kind of you to have us visit. Don’t want to be no imposition.”

Evelyn smiled a smile Ennis could see had a fair portion of sad in it. She patted Junior’s hand. “Honey, you can’t begin ta’ imagine how much I was lookin’ forward to a little feminine company. It gets real lonesome out here.” She let go Alma’s hand, shot a sly look toward Ennis. “Though your daddy’s livened things up considerable since he’s been here.”

Francie laughed out loud, said “our daddy’s livened things up!” as sarcastic as you please. Junior said “Francine!” but Ennis let his mouth twist up into a smile.

Evelyn said “Yes. Yes, he has” and caught Ennis’ eyes. Ennis looked at his feet. Evelyn continued, “but now the fun really begins with you girls here. But first dinner, then I imagine you girls’ll want to get settled.”

Ennis cleared his throat. “Uh, they’re goin’ ta’ stay up with me at the house.”

Evelyn nodded. “’Bout time you moved in up there. Maybe you girls can give it a woman’s touch. Sorely needed, I’m sure.” She quirked a brow at them, and Junior got a little smile on her face.

“We’ll see what we can do, ma’am. He’s pretty hopeless, though.”

Evelyn laughed, said, “way it should be, you girls stayin’ with your daddy. But you got to promise me to spend as much time as you want with me. Come on in.” Evelyn led the way up the steps, on into the livin’ room. “Well, this is the livin’ room. Ain’t much, but I try ta’ keep it comfortable.”

“It’s real pretty, ma’am,” Junior said, lookin’ ‘round like she meant it.

Evelyn smiled. “Thank you. So what d’ya girls like ta’ do? Either of you like to cook?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Junior said quiet. “Sew, too. Fun stuff, mostly. I like them covers you have on your furniture.” Evelyn beamed. Covers for furniture? Ennis didn’t really know what they was talkin’ ‘bout, but there had been some pretty colors on some cloth in the livin’ room. Nice cloth on the dinin’ table always, too, now he thought on it.

Evelyn smiled, looked at Francie. “And what do you like to do, Francine?”

Francie got that sparkly look in her eyes. “Anythin’ with horses. The friskier, the better. Got any you need broke? Hey, my daddy says Mr. Twist rode the bulls?”

Ennis put up his hand. “Now Francie, don’t be botherin’ Mr. Twist none.”

“No, sir.” Francie looked at the ground. Ennis sighed inside. Seemed like he was always makin’ Francie feel bad, no matter what he did. She was just so – so headstrong.

Evelyn smiled and said, “Well, you girls must be starvin’. Food’s already laid out. Why don’t you wash up and we’ll eat.”

Soon enough, they were sittin’ at the table, John Twist noddin’ sharp when introduced to the girls, but not sayin’ nothin’ more, as was his way.

Ennis swallowed a smile watchin’ his girls. Junior was savorin’ the main meal politely, and Francine was gleefully loadin’ her plate with cookies after Evelyn had explained her feelins’ ‘bout that. “I don’t generally like cookin’, ma’am, but sure would like to learn how you make these cookies,” Francie said, still chewin’ in a way Ennis had a feelin’ would be considered impolite by her mother.

“I’d sure love that, Francine. Now John – “ Evelyn looked careful at Twist – “Francine here was askin’ ‘bout your ridin’ the bulls.”

Twist twisted his face, looked at Francine. “Yeah I rode the bulls, missy. Been a long time. Nothin’ ta’ talk about.”

Francie got a grin on her face. “What’s the longest you ever stayed on? Where’d ya’ ride? How long’d ya’ do it? What - .”

“Francie!” Ennis’ voice came out sharp. Francie’s face fell, Evelyn’s face was frozen, and Junior looked scared.

Strangest sound Ennis ever heard left John’s mouth, and it took Ennis a few full seconds to realize it was laughter. “You’re a live one, ain’t ya’?” he said to Francine.

“Guess so,” Francie mumbled.

“Well, ya’ oughta know by now how ta’ hold yer tongue ‘round folks as is older an’ wiser than you.”

“Yessir,” Francie said, all light gone out from her face.

Still, Francine perked up in no time as was her way. They ate a huge dinner, the girls eatin’ like there was no tomorrow, and Evelyn’s smile was reachin’ her eyes more n’ more as the meal went on. Francie started chatterin’ ‘bout the bus ride, seein’ all them parts of Wyomin’ she never had before, apparently not much put out by John Twist, and Junior was askin’ questions ‘bout the ranch, real interested in the operations side, and questions to Evelyn ‘bout her cookin’ too.

“I just love travelin’, Daddy,” Francie said. “Think I’m gonna figure out some way when I graduate ta’ see a bit o’ the country.”

Ennis grimaced. “Ain’t no reason ta’ go traipsin’ ‘round. Folks is folks everywhere.”

Evelyn put her fork down. “Now I don’t know about that, Ennis. Surely a girl can’t wander ‘round by herself, that ain’t right, you’re right about that. But maybe seein’ a bit o’ the country’s a good idea. Before a person settles down.”

“I might want ta’ see the ocean sometime.” Junior’s voice, quiet. Ennis felt a wash o’ feelin’, this child so like him. Worth makin’ an effort, her takin’ the unusual step of sayin’ a wish. He swallowed. “Ain’t that far to the ocean. Know someone here in town, our vet, as comes from Oregon, been to the Pacific a hundred times or more. Says it’s wild, not like some o’ them beaches ya’ see fer Hawaii and Florida and all. Big cliffs and crashin’ waves and all.”

Ennis stopped talkin’, hearin’ an unnatural quiet. Everyone was starin’ at him like he'd grown two heads. He felt a blush rise on his face, realizin’ he’d shocked ‘em all talkin’ on travelin’ and oceans and things. Junior’s eyes were shinin’. He cleared his throat. “Well. Time ta’ get settled. Ain’t got no fancy setup for you girls up at the house, you know that.”

Junior got her voice first. “We know that, Daddy. Let’s help Mrs. Twist first.”

“O’course, darlin’.”

Twist looked at Ennis funny, but he didn’t care. His girls was his darlins’, and if Twist didn’t want ta’ hear it, that was his problem. The smile Junior gave him was reward in itself, not that he needed any. Felt good to call ‘em with their love names, so that was what he was gonna do.

As the girls was walkin’ to the kitchen with dirty plates, Twist walked to the door of the dining room, stopped, looked back at Francine. “Well, ya’ comin’ or not?”

Francine just stared at Twist, like all of them was doin’.

“Well, come on, girl, gonna set you up with King. Needs breakin’.”

Glorious light dawned on Francine’s face and she got a spark in her eyes.

Ennis shook his head. “Now, now, none o’ that. Gotta send her back to her ma in one piece.”

Twist grimaced. “Don’t see why she cain’t try ta’ break King. He’s already half there, and she looks like a big strong girl.”

Francie turned to Ennis. “Oh, daddy, please! I’ll be real careful. And the folks at the stable, they say I’m the best rider they’ve seen in ages. And I helped ‘em with breakin’ Pepper, who’s got a low startle point and everythin’.”

John harrumphed, spoke direct to Ennis. “You cain’t coddle ‘em, they won’t grow up strong.” He shook his head and looked at Francine. “Tell ya’ what. You want ta’ ride King – “ he sent a piercin’ glare at Francine – “I’ll work with you.” He turned to Ennis. “That good enough fer you?”

Ennis nodded slowly, a little sick ta’ his stomach. Francie whooped, then stopped herself.

Twist’s glare was back on her. “Ya’ got ta’ learn to curb that mouth o’ yers, girl, or I’m stoppin’ the whole thing.”

Francie opened her mouth, and Twist put up a hand. “Not a word. I ain’t gonna be trainin’ no horse with no blabbermouth. Come or don’t.”

Ennis felt his gut churn. No one talked ta’ his daughters like that. He was goin’ ta’ have ta’ tell John - .

“Yes, sir,” Francie said, still grinnin’. Ennis stared at her. She was so different from him and Junior. Ennis hardly understood her sometimes, but she had a sort of free spirit – maybe a little like Jack when he was younger, but different, tougher underneath. Most things, things as would knock Ennis down, didn’t faze her. Looked like she weren’t bothered at all by sourpuss Twist, so Ennis swallowed the words he was gonna say.

Twist stomped out, leavin’ all of ‘em watchin’ the empty doorway.

“Daddy?” Francie looked at Ennis, hope in her eyes.

He nodded again, sendin’ up a little prayer nothin’ bad would happen to her, ‘cause Alma’d hunt him down and never let him forget it. “Don’t let his words get ta’ yah, ya’hear?”

She ran into the kitchen to deposit the plates, came back out, bounced up to him and kissed his head. “Don’t worry, daddy, I won’t!”

After he and Junior helped Evelyn clean up, they drove up ta’ the house, checkin’ on Francine as they went. Twist was barkin’ at her while she was standin’ in the corral with King. Looked like things was in control, him not lettin’ her even approach the horse yet. Twist offered ta’ drive her up to the house once they were done, sayin’ “she ain’t gettin’ out o’ here before she does some real work, that’s fer sure.” Francine looked happy, though, so Ennis swallowed his worry and drove on up ta’ the house.

Junior gasped when she saw it, was quiet when Ennis gave her a tour. He showed her the bedrooms, gettin’ shy but tryin’ not ta’ show it thinkin’ on the biggest bedroom, the one he sometimes let himself picture with him and Jack in it. He’d built three bedrooms, though, so they could act like they each had one, the third bein’ a guest room. He didn’t let himself think on the house much, ‘cause it was too strange and strong a thought, some future time when Jack and him might actually be together. Seemed impossible, seemed too strong to think on.

When they was in the kitchen, and he’d shown her everythin’ that was there, which wasn’t much yet, Junior said quiet, “Is Mr. Twist goin’ ta’ come here, Daddy? Seems like there’d be plenty of room?”

Ennis looked at her. “Maybe. Built it so there’s room if he wants to. Seein’ as how he might want a place not with his folks. Things ain’t goin’ so well with his wife and him. A shame. “

She nodded “I can see a man his age wouldn’t want ta’ live with his parents. Better if he’s here.”

Ennis cleared his throat, remembered his dream conversation with Junior. ”You be sure ta’ marry right, ya’ hear? “

Junior nodded, said, “You bet. And daddy, I’m glad you’re not goin’ ta’ be so lonesome.”

Ennis shook his head, smiled, “Now I told you, I ain’t lonesome, I - .”

“Daddy.” Junior had a tone Ennis’d never heard before. “You’ve been livin’ lonesome fer a long time. I’m glad you’ve got the Twists now.” She looked at the unpainted wall. “Hope yer friend comes. Want to think of you with people around who you can have fun with, who care ‘bout you.”

Ennis stared at his little girl, not so little any more. Did she know? She’d been raised so innocent, seemed impossible she’d have any conception. He couldn’t tell. Probably it was all innocent, but there was something - somethin’ that didn’t bear thinkin’ on, since he himself could hardly think on what he did, and the idea of his daughter thinkin’ on it - . He forced his thoughts to calm. Either way, whatever she knew, or wondered, she was wishin’ him not so lonely, so he just said. “Allright. I’m tryin’. And you girls need to come here all the time.”

She nodded. “Good fer us, too, daddy. Good ta’ see ya’ in a better place, good ta’ have such a place ta’ come to.”

Ennis’ eyes stung, and he had to turn away. Junior changed her voice, made it happy. “Okay, let’s get our stuff in here, huh?” Ennis nodded, then grabbed Junior with one arm and squeezed her to him with a rough hug. She squeezed back, then they went out ta’ the truck ta’ get the girls’ stuff. After a bit Francine came in, glowin’ with excitement, covered in dirt, so Ennis sent her ta’ the shower.

He brought his sleepin’ bag into the big bedroom, first time ever, laid it down on the big ol’ mattress lyin’ on the floor in the middle of that big empty room, put the girls in the room as he told them was theirs whenever they wanted it. The mattresses and bed frames for all the beds had been delivered, but none of ‘em had a lick of energy left fer puttin’ ‘em together tonight, so the girls just made up beds on the mattresses on the floor. Evelyn had helped him think ahead, and he’d bought some nice sheets in a blue color he figured would do for the girls or maybe even Bobby one day, though that thought was hard ta’ grasp. More likely if he ever came, he’d stay with his grandfolks anyway. Bought some new blankets, too, Evelyn insistin’ they added value ta’ the property in the face of his objection he shouldn’t be spendin’ no money on such stuff.

He’d near died when he’d ordered a full size bed for the main bedroom, but the sales guy didn’t blink an eye. When Evelyn was out of hearin’ distance, he winked at Ennis, said “that way there’s room for the occasional lady friend, right?” Ennis had managed a smile, and the guy hadn’t thought anythin’ of it.

Though he’d thought to the contrary, now it seemed like the right thing to do, sleepin’ in the house though Jack hadn’t moved there. He and Jack had slept in the house that night he came in the thunderstorm, so it seemed like it was theirs now, and right for Ennis to sleep in it. Seemed like him sleepin’ here showed he was stayin’, stayin’ for real, stayin’ for good. Wasn’t even goin’ ta’ think ‘bout Jack tellin’ him ta’ leave, still a possibility, but one he wasn’t goin’ ta’ think on.

But sleepin’ in the house felt strange after so long a time in the tent. He stayed awake way too long, thinkin’ on Jack and how it’d feel ta’ have him sleepin’ right beside him in this room. Moonlight was beamin’ in through the uncovered window, and Ennis remembered Evelyn had said they needed window coverins’. Well of course they did, but how was anyone supposed to think of all these things?

Tonight the moon wreathed a full swath of silver across the mattress, and Ennis couldn’t help rememberin’ times Jack and him had spent together. The time in Texas, most recent, moonlight filterin’ through the slats of the blinds onto Jack’s body, the desperation of that time piercin’ Ennis’ heart thinkin’ on it. The first time on Brokeback, moonlight through the tent walls illuminatin’ their violent couplin’. And all the times in between, Jack n’ him laughin’ and splashin’ each other with water, naked in a lake in the moonlight when they was about thirty, a slow gentle fuck just last year ‘round their fire when the night was too warm for a tent. Lots o’ times, strung out ‘cross the years, like lights for ships on them buoys at sea.

Ennis ached from the lost years, all the joy they’d had, all the time they could’ve had. Jack’s heart was open to Ennis, always had been if he’d listened. He could almost feel him now, ‘cross the miles. Jack was sufferin’, he just knew it. Phone was goin’ in at the house in a few days, and if Jack hadn’t called him by then, Ennis was goin’ ta’ call Jack. Probably cause him a heart attack, but sounded like Jack was dealin’ with a whole mess of a situation. Maybe he was lookin’ at the moon now too, right now, thinkin’ on Ennis, thinkin’ on all their times together. Maybe his heart was yearnin’ for Ennis, just as Ennis’ heart yearned for him.

The time with the girls lightened Ennis’ heart considerable, them seemin’ ta’ blossom under the hot summer sun as melted ‘bout everyone else. Blossomin’ too under Evelyn’s kind care, and in Francie’s case, strange as it was, from John Twist’s teachin’. Most every day Francie would come stormin’ home, or stormin’ ta’ the main house, grumblin’ under her breath ‘bout the ol’ tyrant, but ‘parently they’d reached some kind of accommodation, ‘cause she never said them things where Twist could hear ‘em.

Then a few minutes later, back she’d go, determined look on her face. Far as Ennis could see, neither one of ‘em ever said sorry or gave ground, but Francie was in her element workin’ with King. Sometimes Ennis shuddered, seein’ her up on that big strong horse, Twist callin’ her sissy and stupid and all kinds of names, but never leavin’ her alone, always stickin’ close at hand, got to give him that.

One day Ennis saw from a distance that John’d let Francie ride him outside the fenced area, saw King buck like the kingly animal he was, felt his heart in his mouth from fear, picturin’ Francie’s brains bashed out, life drainin’ out o’ her, all for what? He couldn’t take it no more, marched over ta’ Twist, said “this is over.” Twist spat on the ground close to Ennis’ feet and snarled, “ya’ want her to grow up scared of her shadow? Gotta push kids ta’ get ‘em ta’ be their best.” Francie muscled King over, holdin’ her seat real pretty while he danced sideways, kickin’ up dust with every step. “Ah, daddy, it’s okay. ‘Sides, Mr. Twist don’t hardly let me do nothin’.”

“Now you shut yer mouth, girl. You thought you were a rider, but you were worthless ‘fore you got here. Stupid, too.”

Ennis advanced on Twist. “Now listen here. You can call me all the names you want, but no one talks ta’ my daughter that way.”

Twist shook his head. “Fine. Have ‘em grow up ta’ be sissies.” He gave Ennis a significant glance. “Or worse. Worthless like Jack.”

Ennis took another step toward him, lowered his voice. “Way I see it, Jack was lucky ta’ get out o’ yer clutches. Way I see it, you weren’t no daddy at all, just a bully.”

“You watch yer mouth. I - .”

“Daddy, Mr. Twist, look!” Francie had a big ol’ grin still, amazin’ those kind of words just bounced off her, when for Jack, they went somewhere deep inside and stayed, least that’s what Ennis thought. Francie pulled King into a smooth slow circle, and Ennis had ta’ admire the beauty of it.

Twist grunted, turned his back on Ennis, yelled at Francie, “now stop showin’ off and do somethin’ real there.”

Ennis looked at Francie, ridin’ so fine, looked at Twist, tyrant and asshole, weighed his options. Took a breath and decided ta’ let be. Probably should call Twist on it, stop all this nonsense, but lookin’ at Francie – well, she looked happy, happier than he’d seen her in Riverton, that was fer sure. Didn’t look beaten down at all. Wouldn’t do nothin’ but harm ta’ get on Twist now, him and Jack’s situation was precarious enough. He’d laid some pretty harsh words on Twist just now, too, now that he thought on it. Surprisin’ Twist hadn’t told him ta’ get off his property. He took another breath and walked, stalkin’, away. It felt like givin’ in, which twisted his gut up fierce, but he could see bein’ a real man didn’t mean fightin’ every fight.

The days stretched on, the girls gettin’ brown and strong, Evelyn and Junior sewin’ up stuff for the new house, Evelyn and Francie cookin’ up wilder and wilder desserts usin’ the fresh berries and fruit the girls went ta’ harvest every mornin’. Every mornin’ early and every evenin’, Francie and John Twist worked with King, frightenin’ Ennis half ta’ death, but fillin’ him with happiness ta’ see Francine so happy. Since their blowout, he’n Twist hadn’t exchanged more’n grunts, not that that was much of a change, but that was just fine with Ennis.

Sometimes Junior and him’d cook dinner at the new house, every time discoverin’ he was missin’ some critical piece of equipment, Junior writin’ it down on an endless list of stuff apparently houses had to have. He’d stumble in from work and there’d be new curtains up, covers on some furniture that’d been bare and stark, or bed frames put together. Junior liked makin’ things, and Bonnie had taken ta’ showin’ her a thing or two as she did finish work ‘round the place.

He took the girls ta’ Devil’s Tower one day, fiercely suppressin’ the memories the place brought on, and this time they went ta’ the main entrance, went through the museum there. With his new glasses, Ennis could read the brochure the lady gave them, and he felt a measure of pride readin’ for his girls. Junior looked at him approvingly, just said, “good to hear you readin’, Daddy,” and Ennis thought what a little thing it was, but what a big thing too. The girls were amazed by the Tower, and wondered ‘bout those long ago people just like Ennis did.

Before he knew it, there was only a few days left on the girls’ visit and he still hadn’t heard from Jack. The phone man was supposed ta’ come the day after the girls left, and Ennis was thinkin’ he wanted the first phone call he made ta’ be ta’ Jack. Silly girlish notion he didn’t want ta’ think ‘bout too much, but still, seemed right. He spared a moment ta’ look at the road leadin’ to the highway, ridiculous of course, since there was no way Jack’d be comin’ on it any time soon, but still, he let himself think on the notion, just for a minute.

Coupla nights before the girls was ta’ leave, Francie came in, suspicious tracks on her cheeks through the dust as coated them. She stomped in and slammed the door, said “I hate him, and went ta’ take a shower.

Ennis stopped choppin’ an onion fer Junior, said, “that does it, I’ve gotta put a stop ta’ it,” anger boilin’ up in him once again at the man sayin’ cuttin’ words ta’ his daughter.

Junior turned ‘round from the fry pan, said quiet. “I don’t know, daddy. Francie was havin’ – troubles – back home. Seems like since she’s been here, she’s happier.” She looked away. “Maybe healthier too.”

“Healthier?” Ennis didn’t like the sound of that.

Junior bit her lip. Ennis lowered his voice, tried to seem calm. “Honey, if it’s somethin’ dangerous, I need ta’ know. I won’t tell her ya’ said nothin’.”

Junior put down the spoon. “It’s just – ma and Monroe, they’re into all that holy roller stuff – come down hard on us fer a long time, and Francie – she’s one as needs some freedom, ya’ know?”

Ennis nodded, seein’ the young Jack in his thoughts. “Go on.”

Junior sighed. “Daddy, she’s been drinkin’ on the sly, hangin’ out with a bad crowd. She’s not really like that, but momma won’t let her do nothin’ like this with King, and maybe she needs it, like – like ta’ get that wild part out or somethin’? And Mr. Twist – well, she don’t take that stuff ta’ heart. She appreciates he’s teachin’ her and holdin’ her ta’ account.”

Took Ennis some thinkin’ ta’ understand what Junior was sayin’, but it made sense, much as he hated ta’ admit it. “Allright. I’ll hold my tongue. On all o’ it. You think she’s gonna be okay fer the last year o’ high school? “

Junior nodded. “Seen somethin’ new in her here. She told me she’s gotta stay healthy now she knows she can work with beauties like King. That’s what she said – beauties like King.” Junior smiled fond. “I think she’s strong, daddy, real strong. No one’s gonna make her do nothin’ she don’t want ta’ do. And she’s not stupid.”

He nodded. “You’ll call me if she’s gettin’ inta trouble?”

“Yeah, you bet, daddy. I’ll call you.”

“Okay then.”

Next day he was out in the northwest pasture early, doin’ inventory with Joe, when Charlie came ridin’ up, horse lathered. “Ennis! Ennis, come quick!”

Fear crashed through Ennis, and his voice came out weak. “What’s wrong?”

“Francie fell, ridin’ that fool horse King, she’s bleedin’ bad. Twist’s with her outside the barn.”

Ennis’ knees felt weak. His baby? What? His brain took over. “Lisa. Lisa’s down ta’ the Smith place next door. Know it ‘cause she’s supposed ta’ come here next, look at that calf what’s low. Here.” Ennis tossed Charlie the keys to his truck. “Take my horse, she’s fresh. Take my truck, get ta’ Lisa at the Smiths, get her here. I’ll be with Francie and Twist.”

Charlie nodded and they switched mounts, and Charlie galloped off, no more words exchanged.

Even in such a panic, Ennis was careful of the horse, lathered bad already from Charlie’s mad dash. It was maddenin’, since all he wanted was ta’ race like the wind ta’ Francie. This was all his fault, not standin’ up ta’ Twist, man as egged Francie on till she did somethin’ stupid. His own fault, so scared of Twist thinkin’ him a sissy, callin’ him by the right name, faggot, that he didn’t stand up like a father should fer his daughter. Every step of the horse beat shame into Ennis’ bones, brought another horrific vision of his daughter ta’ mind.

When he finally arrived back at the main house, he had eyes for nothin’ but where his daughter might be, saw her n’ Twist right away, Twist kneelin’ shirtless beside his baby, her lyin’ on the dirt, red stained shirt twisted right ‘round her left arm, Francie’s face pale, eyes wide.

“Francie!” Ennis pushed Twist aside, knelt where he’d been, grabbed Francie’s hand. “What happened, what’s hurt?”

Francie smiled, shockin’ thing ta’ see on her white face. “Just a cut, daddy. King had ta’ get the last of his fight out, just bad luck I wasn’t payin’ attention that second like I should be, landed on a rock as was under the straw, cut me open a little.”

Ennis turned on Twist. “What’re ya’ doin! You should get help!”

Twist grimaced. “Already sent fer Lisa, bound it up myself ta’ stop the bleedin’, Evelyn’s gettin’ some clean cloths. It’s just a cut.”

Ennis could tell Francie didn’t have no broken bones, no broken head, and on his relief he spat out. “What the hell was you doin’ when this happened? No, don’t answer. You was eggin’ her on, callin’ her names, getting’ yer jollies makin’ her feel like a coward when she’s the bravest thing I ever known?”

Twist’s face was pale, and seemed to drain of a little more blood. He looked down at Francie and stayed quiet.

Ennis felt words bubble up inside, unstoppable. “You’re nothin’ but a bully, ya’ know that? Think ya’ can teach a child through insults, but all it does is make ‘em want ta’ run, far as they can!”

Twist looked up ta’ Ennis, expression he’d never seen before on his face, said real quiet. “Ain’t Francine yer talkin’ ‘bout now, is it?” Ennis had ta’ look away. Now he saw Francie’d be allright, it was true all Ennis was seein’ was Jack, young Jack, beat on with fists and words by this tyrant, yearnin’ out that window.

Ennis swallowed. “Guess it don’t matter, ya’ treat ‘em all the same.”

Twist was lookin’ at Ennis now with somethin’ on his face, somethin’ Ennis couldn’t figure, like wantin’ Ennis ta’ understand? Seemed impossible, but maybe somewhere deep down was a father, regrettin’ on bein’ a bad daddy. “I didn’t know nothin’ ‘bout bein’ no daddy, still don’t. Don’t know no other way o’ talkin’.”

Twist hung his head down, looked down at Francie, patted on her hand kind of pathetic. “Francine, ya’ know yer a beauty, ridin’ that animal, ya’ got so much spirit.” Twist cut his eyes away and Ennis couldn’t talk fer a minute. Twist was feelin’ somethin’? Feelin’ somethin’ fer Francine?

Twist gave an exasperated sigh. “Shit, where is that woman? I know her arm’s fine, but I didn’t wanna move her till Lisa checked her out.”

Ennis nodded. “You done good. She’ll be fine.” He smiled at Francine, who’d been followin’ the conversation with an amazed look. “You’ll be fine, right darlin’?”

He could almost feel Twist pull up short on him usin’ that word ta’ call his baby by, but he didn’t care. Twist could call him faggot till the day he died and it wouldn’t matter deep inside Ennis, the place where he knew what was true and what was right. And if Twist wanted ta’ speculate on whether Ennis called Jack darlin’ in the dark of the night, or even the light of day should he be so lucky, well, so be it. Fuck him, that’s what Ennis felt.

Lisa pulled up right beside ‘em in her truck right at that moment, hopped out and was gently shovin’ Twist and him out o’ the way within seconds. She unwrapped the shirt gingerly, which took some doin’, since Twist had obviously pulled it real tight ta’ try to stanch the bleedin’, good move Ennis had to give him grudgin’ credit for. Lisa looked careful at the gash that Ennis could see clear now in the fleshy under part of Francine’s arm.

Lisa straightened, nodded, smiled at Francine. “Good thing you had these gentlemen here to take care of this. Looks like it’s already healing. We’re going to have to clean it out good, and I can do a couple of stitches if your dad approves, then you should heal up perfect, be good as new.”

Twist sighed out a breath he’d apparently been holding, and Ennis said, grudgingly, but it was only fair, “it was John as stopped the bleedin’ so fast. I wasn’t here.”

Ennis felt Twist’s eyes on him, but he didn’t even want to look. Twist pushed up to a stand, said, “well, I’ll leave you all to it. Ya’ want some of the hands ta’ carry her in?”

Francie pushed up to a sit. “Don’t be silly. I want ta’ walk, but could you stay?” She looked at Twist, who looked ta’ Ennis. “Depends on yer daddy I guess.”

Ennis wanted ta’ say no, but Twist still looked pale, and somethin’ had shifted in the lines of his face, makin’ him look old. Ennis nodded, silent, and they each took one of Francie’s elbows and helped her into the house, Lisa rustlin’ ‘round in her truck fer supplies.

Francie lay on the couch in the livin’ room, and Lisa shooed them all away fer the cleanin’ and the sewin’. She prescribed cookies and juice and a nap, then said Francie could go back ta’ all her regular activities the next day.

“No more ridin’ King fer you, though,” Twist said.

Francie frowned, and Ennis cleared his throat. “Now that ain’t right. You know what they say ‘bout gettin’ right back on the horse as threw you.” Ennis looked down at the floor. “Only if you’re there, though,” he said, and raised his eyes ta’ Twist.

John’s face was pale, but a faint flush rose up at Ennis’ words, covered his cheeks. He nodded once, said “thank you.”

“Yer welcome.” Ennis had to work hard ta’ keep his lips from quirkin’, that bein’ the first time he’d ever heard Twist thank anyone for anything the entire time he’d been here.

Twist stayed subdued fer the rest of the girls’ visit, but Ennis saw him helpin’ Francie up in the saddle real gentle the day after she was hurt, heard him startin’ ta’ say cuttin’ things at her, try ta’ stop himself. Once he was workin’ in the barn and he heard Twist start ta’ call her stupid, then cut himself off, then Francie’s ringin’ voice sayin’ “now see here, ya’ don’ have ta’ treat me with kid gloves. Like ya’ just fine the way you was, even when you hurt my feelins’. Good trainin’ fer me, wantin’ ta’ work with horse people. Reckon lots of them ain’t exactly goin’ ta’ be sayin’ please and thank you all the time.”

Twist mumbled somethin’ Ennis couldn’t hear.

Francie answered back, voice lower, “Was my own stupid fault, not yers.”

When it came time fer the girls ta’ leave, Evelyn didn’t make no bones ‘bout the tears standin’ in her eyes, sent cookies and sandwiches put up in a basket, some bright cloth thing back for Alma, kissed the girls and made ‘em promise ta’ come back, which they did willin’, eyes shinin’ themselves.

Ennis could hardly look at ‘em fer fightin’ with his feelins’, didn’t know if he could keep it together, this visit bein’ so sweet, him finally spendin’ time with ‘em both, real time, takin’ the time ta’ get to know them, each their own person.

Twist came out at the last minute, sour expression on his face, looked at his feet, grumbled out, “wife’s gonna need you – “ he pointed at Junior – “back here soon or she’ll be moanin’ ta’ me all year. And King – “ he turned ta’ Francie. “King’s gonna need that firm hand o’ yours.” He looked at his feet again. ‘So get on back here. That’s all.” He spun on his heels and strode hard toward the barn, leavin’ all of them starin’.

Bringin’ the girls ta’ the spot on the highway in the middle of Lightnin’ Flat where the Greyhound would pick ‘em up had ta’ be one of the low points of Ennis’ life, him seein’ that livin’ life with more color in it came with harder sadness, too. Like, the bitter and the sweet was so tied up together, into a braid like Evelyn’s colored yarns, all intermixed, so that you couldn’t have the beauty without the sorrow, but the sorrow made the beauty all that stronger.

The less said or thought about that Greyhound comin’, and those girls loadin’ on, the better, though both of ‘em told him, strong and clear, weren’t nothin’ stoppin’ ‘em from comin’ back again in a coupla months. Junior said she’d save up vacation from the secretary job she’d started, and Francie said they got a break in the fall as lasted a week, plus add the weekends and that was nine days. Ennis put it in his head for October, and thought on how many good things came with the fall that they’d like, Evelyn no doubt puttin’ up pies and things like the dickens, the stock rounded up and sorted for the winter.

When Ennis got back to the house that night after workin’ a long hard day, he sat starin’ at the new phone as had been installed, straddlin’ the high counter between kitchen and living room. Chances were Jack wasn’t home, or Lureen was, but he had ta’ try. Jack’d sounded so beat down when they talked, and besides, Ennis needed to hear Jack’s voice. He had ta’ admit, too, he couldn’t believe Jack hadn’t called him in all this time, he’d sounded so relieved and sorry when he’d called from the hospital all them days ago.

Ennis clutched Jack’s home phone number in his hand, took a breath and dialed the operator, explainin’ ‘bout wantin’ ta’ charge the call ta’ his home phone. She called back in a few minutes ta’ check if it was really his number, and then his call went through. He thought no one was goin’ ta’ answer, ‘cause it rang ‘bout eight times, and was almost hangin’ up, when Jack answered the phone, breathless. “Hello.”

“Jack?”

“Ennis?”

“Um, hello Jack. This an okay time?”

There was silence on the other end, then the scrapin’ of a chair ta’ the phone. “Yeah, yeah, this is okay. Just got home from the hospital, but Lureen’s not here, so yeah, about as good a time as any I guess.”

There was a tone in Jack’s voice Ennis had never heard before, somethin’ as scared him deep down, somethin’ dead soundin’.

“Jack, ya’ allright?”

Jack laughed, bitter sound. “Not really.” He sounded exhausted.

Ennis just sat silent, not knowin’ what ta’ say. Wasn’t like Jack ta’ sound like that. “What’s -? How’s Bill?”

“You really wanna know, Ennis?”

“Yeah I really wanna know.” Ennis was gettin’ real worried, Jack soundin’ like he hadn’t slept in all the weeks he’d been gone.

“Well, let’s see.” Jack sounded sarcastic. “He’s hooked up ta’ ‘bout a thousand tubes fer food and medicine against the infections and stuff, his kidneys is damaged probably forever, but really, that don’t matter much, ‘cause he ain’t never gonna walk again. Too bad the police didn’t wait a little longer – he almost drowned in his own blood, and it would’ve been a mercy.”

Images flashed in Ennis’ brain in a sickenin’ flash. In his nightmare, Jack lyin’ helpless on his back, drownin’ in his own blood, alone, never knowin - . Fuck. Ennis felt his breathin’ speed up, his heart racin’. “What -? What’re ya’ sayin’, Jack?”

Jack laughed again, bitter. “Just what you think I’m sayin’. Bunch o’ good ol’ boys, meatheads o’ Childress, got wind of him steppin’ out with some boy in the next county over, forced him over on the rural route at night, three of ‘em worked him over, internal injuries, then one of ‘em had a tire iron they’re sayin’, hit him in the wrong spot on his spine, so - .” Jack’s voice broke, and Ennis’ heart with it.

“Jack, oh Jack.”

After a minute Jack’s voice came on again, anguished soundin’. “It’s my fault, Ennis.”

“What kinda bullshit is that? Ain’t your fault!”

“No, you don’t understand. Ennis, I - . I’d always told him, always, ‘bout you, wasn’t never no illusions there, and we weren’t – it was just a sometimes thing, but, it’d been a long time, and like I told you, I think he was growin’ fond. So when I told him - . Shit.” Jack stopped again, and Ennis could hear him breathin’ heavy. His arms ached ta’ be around Jack.

“S’allright Jack.” Ennis heard the tenderness in his own voice, but if Jack heard it, it didn’t make no difference, ‘cause Jack spat out “it ain’t allright, ain’t nothin’ never gonna be allright.”

Ennis just hung on, tryin’ ta’send his feelins’ right on through that phone line, and after a few minutes Jack said, calmer, “when I told him I wasn’t seein’ him no more like that, he went a little crazy, started ta’ run ‘round where people coulda seen him, though he’d always been real careful. I told him ta’ stop, but guess it didn’t help, ‘cause rumors started ‘bout him and some young flash boy over ta’ the next county. I thought he’d calm down, get back ta’ his careful ways, but – Childress guys took care o’ him forever on the side of that highway. I shouldn’t o’ done it, shoulda never been with him ta’ begin with, shouldn’t of broken it off like I did, sudden, shoulda - .” Jack stopped again.

Words wanted ta’ come out of Ennis, and he let them, his Jack in so much pain. “Jack, wasn’t yer fault, was my fault as much as yers, but wasn’t yer fault, was them assholes, them assholes as gotta be holier than everyone else, and then they go an’ hurt this guy as probably never hurt anyone in his life. Wasn’t yer fault, you hear me?”

“I hear you, but it was. All of it. Ennis, you were right all this time. What they done – it’s too horrible ta’ say. You were right. I’m done.”

“Jack, no.”

Jack laughed, another horrible laugh. “Isn’t that the irony of life? Ennis del Mar fuckin’ right all along. Shit, Ennis, it’s not like I didn’t know there was danger, I’m not as much an idiot as you think, but I never thought, I never seen up close - . And it’s 1983. Eighty fuckin’ three. He was always careful, always, till this. ‘Course, what the fuck does that have ta’ do with it, anyway? Could happen ta’ anyone like us, anytime, no reason.” Jack took a shudderin’ breath. “I ain’t lettin’ this happen ta’ you.”

“Jack, don’t do this.” Ennis gripped harder on the phone.

“Do what? Give ya’ what ya’ always wanted? Leave you in peace, right?”

Ennis didn’t spare a thought ta’ feel his own hurt and anger at Jack’s words, he hurt so bad for Jack right now. “Jack, stop it.”

“No, not stoppin’ it. It’s not worth it, thinkin’ on somethin’ like that happenin’ ta’ you, ain’t gonna risk that. “

“Jack.” Ennis’ voice came out with a break in it.

“You should leave, Ennis. Ain’t no place safe in these parts o’ the country fer folks like us, maybe nowhere.”

Ennis took in a shudderin’ breath. “Jack, don’t do this now, not now when I got myself here, I’m waitin’ on you. I can do this.”

He heard Jack take a big breath. “No. No, Ennis, maybe you can do it, but I cain’t. I won’t. I want ya’ to - .”

Ennis interrupted Jack before the words could come out, words as would say Jack wanted him ta’ leave. “Stop, Jack. Don’t say nothin’ now, yer not thinkin’ straight.”

Jack laughed, bitter laugh. “I’m thinkin’ straight allright. Thinkin’ straight for the first time. I seen what they did to him, Ennis. I seen his smashed in face, I seen him not able ta’ move one fuckin’ little toe. You need to leave. It’s not gonna work. You said if I told you go, you would, so I’m - .”

Ennis broke in, sob cuttin’ his voice. “Jack, no. Don’t say it, don’t tell me ta’ go. ”

Ennis clutched the phone receiver tight in his fingers, sweat makin’ it hard to hang on. It felt like the whole world had narrowed down ta’ this one thing, this connection between Jack and him. All the years with Jack flashed before Ennis – nineteen and innocent, tumblin’ together in the cold mountain air, twenty three and findin’ each other after four dry years, late twenties and still smilin’ joyous seein’ each other fer the first time wherever they met. Thirty, and thirty five, and thirty nine, the passion and friendship still there under the bitter.

Jack said, “Ennis,” and somethin’ rational was back in his voice, but he took a breath and said “Ennis, I’m askin’ you, I’m askin you to -.” and Ennis said “Jack, no, don’t tell me ta’ go, don’t say it, it’s wrong, it’s a mistake.”

Jack was silent on the other end, gatherin’ breath ta’ speak, Ennis could tell, and Ennis took a shudderin’ breath. He looked at the walls, can of lupine blue paint sittin’ in that livin’ room ready for paintin’. Ennis let the breath out, said, desperate, “don’t tell me ta’ go.”

Jack said defeated into the phone, “Ennis, you gotta.”

Ennis took another breath in, a deep one, closed his eyes, ta’ feel like he was with Jack, and then he said, “Don’t tell me ta’ go. I love you, Jack.”

Jack was silent on the other end of the phone.

“Ennis?” Jack’s voice was a whisper.

Ennis could barely get words out. His voice came out choked. “You heard me.”

Jack breathed out loud. “Ennis, don’t do this ta’ me. Not now, not after all this time.”

“Ain’t doin’ nothin’ but sayin’ the truth.”

Jack’s voice rose. “And ya’ choose this goddamn minute, out o’ all the goddamn minutes we’ve known each other, all the fuckin’ minutes, all the fuckin’ years, ta’ tell me this?”

Ennis put his hand over his eyes, held the receiver tight ta’ his head, said low into the phone. “Yeah. Yeah, bud. I’m choosin’ this fuckin’ minute ta’ tell you. Shoulda chose ‘bout every minute in the last twenty years, but I didn’t, so I’m doin’ it now.”

Ennis heard a little gasp like a sob come out o’ Jack on the other end of the phone, then silence. He pictured Jack on the other end, sittin' in his lonely house in Childress, tryin’ ta’ keep his act together against all the shit as had happened ta’ him in the last coupla months, and his heart filled with love and with pity. Even now, Jack’d be tryin’ ta’ be brave, tryin’ ta act a man, with his world all shiftin’ ‘round him.

“Jack - .” Ennis’ voice was soft and tender, he could hear it himself. “Jack, just don’t decide nothin’ right now. All I’m sayin’. Wait’ll you come up here again, or I’ll come there if ya’ want, we can talk it through. Just promise ta’ come up here soon’s ya’ can, then if ya’ still feel that way, fine, I’ll leave, but give me a chance, don’t do it like this, on the fuckin’ phone.”

Jack sounded exhausted, defeated, weariness showin’ through in his voice, but he said “okay. Okay, fine. I’ll wait’ll I can come up there. No way you should come down here right now.”

Ennis’ knees felt weak on the relief, and he said soft into the phone, “Jack, listen, get on up here. Come up here soon, will you promise me that?”

“Or what?” The bitter tone was back in Jack’s voice.

Ennis thought of them flowers Jack gave him ta’ help him stay patient. “Or nothin’. Not like that. That’s not what I mean. I mean ta’ talk it through. Just sounds like you could use a friend.”

Jack sighed. “Ain’t gonna change my mind. World's too fucked up. But I guess I owe it to you ta’ tell ya’ in person. We can plan it so it don’t leave you on the street. Ah, shit, Ennis, all hell’s breakin’ loose down here. I think they’re tellin’ his wife what really happened today, it’s gonna be all over town and - .”

“Jack.” Ennis used the voice he used on his horses, his daughters when they was young. “Jack, listen ta’ me. Come up here, just ta’ visit. Tell me you’ll come.”

Jack’s voice was a whisper. “Allright, I’ll come.”

“Good.” Ennis swallowed. “How soon?”

“How soon?” Jack’s voice was irritated, a fact that made Ennis happy, since it was a sign of life as had been sorely missin’.

Ennis kept his voice calm, like he didn’t know Jack was gettin’ pissed. “Yeah, how soon? Say when you can get up here.”

“Fuck you, Ennis del Mar. Fine. I’ll be there - .” Jack seemed to think for a minute. “ – be there by the end of next week. Won’t be able ta’ stay more’n a few hours, but I guess I owe ya’ that much. Look for me next Friday night. Don’t tell my folks – I’ll have ta’ turn right around.”

“Allright. Next Friday. Countin’ on it. And Jack - .”

“Yeah.”

“Be careful.”

“Yeah, you too. There’s nuts like that everywhere, Ennis, not just Childress.”

“Good folks everywhere too, Jack.”

“Jesus Christ. Now you’re goin’ ta’ start in on me with whiskey springs an’ all?”

Ennis winced, recognizin’ them mockin’ words he’d flung at Jack moren’ once. “Jack - .”

“Ah, fuck it. I’ll come next week, but that’s it. I’m sure people’s already talkin’ ‘bout us up in Lightnin’ Flat, Ennis. You gotta get out o’ there, and there ain’t nowhere we can shack up in a place either of us’d want ta’ live.”

“Jack - .”

“I’ll come ‘cause I owe ya’, but I’m final on it. Goodbye, Ennis.”

Ennis cradled that phone ta’ his ear long after the line’d gone dead. He’d never heard Jack sound like that. He’d heard him sarcastic, sure, and beat down by Ennis’ scorn, but never afraid. Wasn’t like Jack Twist ta’ be afraid.

Strange thing, fear. ‘Cause now Jack was feelin’ it so strong, Ennis himself seemed not to. Or, better way ta’ put it, he felt fear, but he saw there was somethin’ more important, saw it clear and strong.

He was full o’ fear for Jack, down there where Bill’s truth was likely gonna all come out. Full o’ fear for the both of ‘em, havin’ ta’ live in a world where what ya’ did with someone willin’ behind closed doors could get ya’ killed or worse.

But there was somethin’ more important, somethin’ stronger, and he could see it as clear as he could them craggy peaks of Brokeback when he closed his eyes.

He’d told Jack he loved him on the phone tonight, he could hardly believe he’d done it, he could feel the flush on his cheeks now just thinkin’ about it.

But he could feel the power of it, too. It’d stopped Jack from tellin’ him ta’ leave, made him agree to come ta’ Ennis.

It was woven through all their years, together and apart, good and bad. Even now, he could feel it bindin’ their hearts together, Jack willin’ or not, makin’ them yearn on each other.

That Song from the Bible had a piece in it that Ennis’ eyes had skittered over some weeks ago, but somehow he’d never quite read it. He pulled the Bible out of his bag, settled his glasses on his nose, and thumbed ta’ the page. There it was.

The verse said:

for love is as strong as death,  
its fervor unyielding as the grave.  
It burns like blazing fire,  
like a mighty flame.

And those were the words he needed: “love is as strong as death.” The little notes down below, the ones he’d never been able to read before he got his glasses, said “death pursues us relentlessly, but love has greater power.” And that’s what he was fixin’ on, wasn’t it, that love was stronger than death.

In his nightmare, Jack’d died, and he shivered as he thought how Bill’s fate was maybe meant for Jack, how it mirrored his dream. Jack’d died, and none of Ennis’ love, for love he’d finally realized it to be, could bring him back.

But love had been stronger than death, for the Ennis of his nightmare had lived out the rest of his life in the ashes of that love, true to his love as he never had been in life.

And if love was stronger than death, then it surely was stronger than fear.

The last verse said:

Many waters cannot quench love,  
rivers cannot wash it away.  
If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love,  
it would be utterly scorned.

Ennis felt strangely peaceful, though he should be terrified, and at the end of all hope for him and Jack. Jack was comin’ to tell Ennis to leave, but Ennis knew deep inside that Jack still had hope somewhere inside him. Jack was strong, and Jack knew how to hope, it was part of his nature.

Jack’d been beat down by life, by Ennis, and by them murderin’ sons of bitches down to Childress, but Ennis knew Jack. Jack’d said when he met Ennis it was like a hundred rushin’ rivers. Jack’d said all he wanted was Ennis. Even after they’d fought, when Ennis had his nightmare and had come to Childress, Jack’d been willin’ to open the door to hope again.

Ennis was goin’ to hold Jack when he came, and bring him into their house. He’d let him go, as many times and as long as he’d need to, but he wasn’t gonna let him go back to just fishin’ trips, wasn’t gonna let him break it off entire.

Ennis was gonna make sure Jack knew that no waters were goin’ ta’ quench Ennis’ love, no rivers were gonna wash it away.

Sure, they had lots to fear, for there was hate in the world, no doubt. But what was the point o’ livin’ safe if it wasn’t really livin’?

Love was stronger than death, and Ennis was gonna love Jack till he remembered that.

 

 

Ennis woke with a gasp, twisted up in the sheets, covered with clammy sweat. Jack was bein’ attacked by a group of men by the side of a road, left for dead in a ditch. He had to get to him, save him before – shit. Ennis sucked in air, gasped it out. Fuck. This time, the nightmare had lingered over Jack’s beating, hadn’t raced ahead to Ennis’ lonely days and nights livin’ in that godforsaken trailer. Hadn’t gotten to the part where he stoked the day with memories of Jack, woke up smilin’ if he had spunk on his sheets.

Shit. Ennis scrubbed his hands over his face, glanced at the clock by the bedside. Four a.m. Good enough, since he knew from experience wasn’t no way he’d be goin’ back to sleep now. Most days he was up by five anyway, latest. He pushed himself up and off the bed, ignorin’ the tracks of tears dried on his face.

He knew well enough why his nightmare was lingerin’ on that beatin’. Despite his strong words, the truth was what’d happened to Jack’s friend – shit, he should be man enough ta’ say his name in his own fuckin’ head – what’d happened to Bill, scared the piss out of him. Somewhere deep inside, felt like he could see every blow, hear every breakin’ sound, feel the desperate gaspin’ to hold onto life.

Earl in that ditch hadn’t left much ta’ the imagination, dick pulled off and whole crotch blackened blood, him n’ K.E. standin’ there, Daddy’s hands strong on their heads, forcin’ them ta’ look at what they could barely understand.

Ennis splashed water on his face, fightin’ the fear as left him strangled. Lookin’ at his face in the harsh light from the bathroom bulb, Ennis saw the toll that waitin’ for Jack was takin’, the toll what’d happened ta’ Bill was takin’. Eyes full o’ fear, fear for himself, fear for Jack, and most of all, fear the dream of him and Jack together wasn’t never goin’ ta’ happen.

It was one thing ta’ read some verse as said some things was stronger than death, but it was another to be the one dyin’, gaspin’ for another breath, just one more and one more after that please god, lyin’ by the side of some lonely road. It was one thing ta’ be strong, but another ta’ be a gay man wantin’ to live with his man in Wyomin’. Even in 1983, you had to be fuckin’ crazy ta’ let anyone know in this neck o’ the woods. Childress, too.

Ennis dried his face on the nice towel Evelyn had picked out, steeled himself for the day. Didn’t do no good ta’ be thinkin’ on all that shit, wasn’t no point. He’d tried ta’ live without Jack, tried and tried, for all them years, and his nightmare had told him what the end result of that’d be. Death for both of ‘em, each in their own way.

Though he wasn’t a superstitious man, Ennis couldn’t help but wonder, in these pre-dawn times, whether Bill had taken the fate meant for Jack. Ennis shivered, cursed, and flipped the light off. There was stock to care for and things needin’ doin’. The work of a ranch didn’t stop for no superstitious nonsense, not for no man weak enough to spend his time thinkin’ on a person who wasn’t there. Time enough for that later.

The whole world seemed to be sufferin’ from the same bad feelin’ as was tryin’ ta’ grab hold of Ennis. John Twist was sourer than ever, not exchangin’ one word with Ennis ‘less it was ta’ complain ‘bout somethin’. Even Evelyn seemed out of sorts, startlin’ Ennis once or twice with a snapped reply to somethin’ he said.

Lisa came for a checkup on the horses, and didn’t speak one single word to him. Usually they talked ‘bout this and that – the gals’ work, maybe a bit ‘bout the local ranch gossip or even sometimes the sea and such. When he asked her, after ‘bout half an hour of them workin’ side by side in silence, whether things was all right, she shot back, “I need quiet to listen to this heartbeat.”

Surly didn’t bother Ennis none, normally, but somethin’ in the curl of Lisa’s shoulders and the tone of her voice had made him wonder. Later, writin’ out some instructions for him on the hood of her truck, her pen slipped and fell in the mucky ground. “Shit. Shit and goddamn.”

Ennis hadn’t never heard her swear like that. He reached the pen before she did and handed it to her in silence. She took it and sighed, scuffed the ground a little before lookin’ up at him. “Sorry.”

Ennis shook his head. “Ain’t hired you ‘cause of yer conversation.”

Her lip quirked. “That I believe. Thing is - .” She looked at the ground again. Ennis looked at the ground too, knowin’ how it felt when you were tryin’ to talk ‘bout somethin’.”

“Thing is, Bonnie’s ex is trying to get full custody, keep her from ever seeing the kids. I don’t have to tell you what it’s doing to her.”

“Thought that was lookin’ up?”

“Yeah, well, he changed his mind.” She was looking at Ennis again now.

“Don’t seem right.”

Lisa snorted. “Yeah, well, life isn’t fair, right? But it’s tearing me up to watch it. There isn’t anything I can do.”

“You’re there, though.” Ennis felt startled. Wasn’t like him ta’ be offerin’ thoughts like that, even to someone who was almost a friend. Was a friend, really.

Lisa looked startled too, eyes a bit wide starin’ at Ennis. She got a little smile pullin’ up on her mouth and nodded again, lookin’ right at him. “Yeah, that I am. Guess it’ll have to do.”

“Yup.” Ennis nodded again, sharper, his eyes pullin’ against his will to where the Twists’ long drive met the Rural Route. He helped Lisa load her equipment back in the truck, and watched it all the way down the drive till it got on the highway, then till it became a speck and disappeared.

The rest of the day, he threw himself even harder into his work than normal, tryin’ to drown out his thoughts and his feelins’ in good hard work. He didn’t stop sweatin’ all day, and his muscles were screamin’ at him that he wasn’t a young man no more to be liftin’ and pushin’ and ridin’ without pause.

He couldn’t help lookin’ out to the road, but forced himself to keep it to once an hour or so, not that he had any belief Jack would come in the daylight, or let his truck be seen by his parents. Clear enough this visit was for one purpose – break it off with Ennis. He figured it’d be late at night before Jack showed up. Whenever it was, though, Ennis would be waitin’.

He tamped down hard on the voice tellin’ him weren’t no way Jack was comin’, weren’t no way he’d come all that way just to say goodbye forever. Jack had sounded different than Ennis had ever heard him – not just bitter, but soul-deep wrong. Ennis twisted the fencin’ wire under his gloved hands a little harder on the thought, then forced himself ta’ move on ta’ the next chore.

The sun was settin’ out beyond the farthest reaches of the ranch, paintin’ the fields and grazin’ lands with yellows and oranges, when Ennis finally let himself trudge up the connectin’ path to the house. He’d begged off supper with Evelyn tonight, and she’d taken one look at his sweat- and grime-covered self and nodded sharp. “Just get yourself some rest, Ennis, don’t work late tonight on nothin’, you hear me?” Ennis had just nodded. “Yes’m. Gonna sit on my porch tonight, watch the world go by.”

“You do that. Here.” Ennis had tried to decline, but she’d shoved a napkin-wrapped bundle of warm sandwiches in his hands, which he carried dutifully up to the house. He wanted a beer so bad he could taste it, but he was afraid of what it might do, on top of the fatigue and heat and worry.

He forced himself to eat a few bites of a sandwich, put the rest in the fridge ‘cause he couldn’t eat for the life of him. He looked ‘round the house, seein’ it with fresh eyes, thinkin’ on Jack bein’ there soon. He’d been so busy, he hadn’t really paid no attention to it once the girls left, and it showed, clothes on the floor, dishes in the sink. Wanderin’ to the bedroom, he surveyed the bed. Had he changed the sheets, ever? He couldn’t remember, but if there ever was a time, this was it. He remembered Evelyn had insisted he buy two sets, so one could be washin’ while the other was – bein’ used. Ennis felt his face grow warm just thinkin’ on it, but he knew it was wrong. He had no business thinkin’ on that kind of thing as upset as Jack was. Besides, Jack was comin’ here to tell Ennis to leave, so there wasn’t much hope of him fallin’ into bed with him, now was there?

Still, Ennis dragged his exhausted body through the motions of strippin’ and makin’ up the bed, clearin’ off the floors, cleanin’ the sink and puttin’ the toothpaste cap on nice. Took a shower, hung up the towel. He caught himself experimentin’ with the lightin’ in the bedroom and swore. Still, he left the one little lamp on as cast a nice warm glow while still leavin’ the room dark enough for sleep. Since no one would know, except him, he stopped on his way out and let himself take in the sight of that big ol’ bed, bought for two, but slept on so lonely by just him.

Finally around ten he fell down onto the sofa to rest a bit. More’n anythin’ in the world, he wanted to be awake to meet Jack when he came. “If he comes” kept pushin’ up in his mind, relentless, but every time, he pushed the thought down hard. After all their history, half a lifetime or more of knowin’ each other, bein’ drawn together time after time, wasn’t possible Jack wouldn’t come. Just wasn’t.

The important thing was to stay awake. Seemed like it should be easy, with all the worries circlin’ ‘round in Ennis’ head. ‘Course, life bein’ the way it was, sleep was tryin’ to overcome him bad. He’d hardly slept last night at all, worryin’ on Jack, and he’d thrown himself hard into work ‘round the ranch today, tryin’ to fend off his thoughts. Ennis closed his eyes for a second, figured maybe just restin’ a brief time would help him stay up.

“Jack?” Ennis woke with a start to a loud crashin’ noise, not sure for a second where he was, mindful even as he said it that it could be dangerous, wakin’ with a man’s name on his lips.

“It’s me!” So it was okay, because it was Jack, though somethin’ sounded funny in his voice.

Another loud crash and Jack’s giggling roused Ennis to full wakin’. What the hell was happenin’? He’d fallen asleep on the sofa waitin’ for Jack, and if his dead-asleep leg was any indication, he’d been asleep for quite some time. Ennis felt sleep sloughin’ off him quick, full of the knowin’ that this was his chance, this was the time when he had ta’ talk sense into Jack. Help him, too, if he’d take it, ‘cause sure enough Jack must be one messed up guy at this point, seein’ what happened to his – friend – down ta’ Texas.

“Ennis!” Jack’s voice, the voice he got when he’d drunk his share of whiskey. But why was he soundin’ like that now, late in the night, after drivin’ all that way?

Ennis didn’t have no more time to wonder before Jack came into the room. Sure enough he had a bottle in his hand, and before he knew it, Jack’d crashed down on the sofa right next to him, long legs sprawled out, body slouched back against the sofa. “Woo-ee, that’s a bitch of a drive.”

Ennis couldn’t do much yet but stare, and next he knew Jack was holdin’ out the bottle. “Here – help yerself.”

Ennis needed coffee bad. Not whiskey. Jack had sure had more’n enough, frightenin’ thought him drivin’ like this. “Jack, you drive like this?”

Jack rolled his eyes. “What’re you, my momma now?”

“Ain’t tryin’ ta’ be yer momma, Jack, but it ain’t right, drivin’ like this.” Ennis kept his voice real calm.

Jack shot him a look. “Not that it’s none of your business, but I’ve been sittin’ in my truck for ‘bout a century drinkin’. Drank on the road, too, though – hadn’t done that for a few years, I’ll tell you.”

Ennis narrowed his eyes. “Cain’t believe you were drinkin’ that rotgut when you was drivin’. Fuck, Jack, it’s ‘bout a thousand miles.”

Jack snorted. “You’re tellin’ me how long a drive it is ‘tween Texas and Wyomin’? Seems ta’ me I’m the expert. You’re a piker, done it one time.” Jack narrowed his yes. “How many times you think I did it, Ennis?”

Ennis kept a grip on his temper, on the guilt, too. “You’re right, Jack. Still, you shouldn’t o’ driven like that.”

Jack rolled his eyes. “Yer a fine one ta’ talk ta’ me ‘bout drinkin’, Ennis del Mar. Seems to me I recall many a time you drank me under the table.” Jack got a sly look on his face. “Or under you. Get it?” Jack scooted closer to Ennis. “Get it, Ennis, under you?” He laughed and took another swig.

“Seems ta’ me you need some coffee, Jack.” Ennis moved to get up to set some on to brewin’, but Jack shot out a hand and pushed on Ennis’ leg, then ran the hand on up his thigh. “Come on, Ennis, you know what I need.” Ennis squirmed away from Jack’s hand, hot and heavy on his leg. “Not now, Jack.” Next Ennis knew, Jack had thrown himself across him on the sofa, and was fussin’ with Ennis’ zipper. “Come on.” Ennis batted at Jack’s hands and Jack laughed, a mean sound Ennis’d heard once or twice before. “You ain’t usually this hard ta’ get, Ennis.”

“Now come on, I mean it, Jack,” Ennis said, swallowin’ some bile risin’ up in his throat, feelin’ his anger startin’ ta’ build and tampin’ down on it, hard. This wasn’t the real Jack – the real Jack was twisted up in knots over what’d happened to his friend Bill, and messed up too ‘cause of all them long years of Ennis pushin’ him away. Ennis twisted out of Jack’s grip and stood, headed for the kitchen. “I’m makin’ you some coffee.”

Jack laughed. “Coffee ain’t gonna do nothin’, Ennis,” he called out.

Ennis busied himself in the kitchen, brewin’ it as strong as he could. Next he knew, Jack was lounged up in the doorway, still swiggin’ from the damn bottle. He’d taken his coat off, and Ennis could see clear that Jack’d lost some weight in the belly. His limbs, long as ever, made a picture stretched out in the doorway like that, legs goin’ on forever, and the arm without the bottle stretchin’ up the doorframe. Ennis swallowed and went to get cups, deliberate.

“Ennis.” Jack’s voice was pitched low, the voice that made Ennis’ skin feel on fire. Ennis turned slow toward Jack, cups in hand. Jack’s eyes had that certain look in ‘em, and he looked Ennis up and down, slow. “Don’t want no coffee, Ennis. You know what I want.”

Ennis saw his hands were shakin’ from the coffee sloshin’ over the cups’ rims, but he took a breath and pushed past Jack, back to the livin’ room, brought the cups to the coffee table. “Come on, Jack, just have a little.” Jack sauntered over and eased himself down on the sofa next ta’ Ennis. He set the bottle down on the table and smirked at Ennis, then straddled him in one move, legs over his, hands on either side of Ennis’ shoulders. It reminded Ennis with a sick jolt of longin’ of the way Jack used ta’ fool ‘round like that when they was younger, treatin’ Ennis like his own personal playground. Then Jack ground down onto Ennis, hissed, “Come on, Ennis.”

Ennis felt Jack’s hard length, was shamed to know Jack could feel his own cock, hard through two layers of jeans. He’d been that way since Jack lounged up in the doorway like that, maybe from the minute he woke up knowin’ Jack was there, couldn’t help it, wrong as he knew it was. And now – Jesus – Jack was grindin’ against him again, his hot breath on Ennis’ ear, “Come on, Ennis, want you in me one last time, nobody fucks me like you, yer so hot and - .”

Ennis shoved Jack, hard, hissin’, “Not like this.” Took most of his willpower ta’ do it, but it wasn’t right, this bitter man weren’t his Jack. Jack fell back against the coffee table, laughed, that mean laugh again, and reached his hand toward Ennis’ dick, kneadin’ none too gentle. “Yer dick ain’t exactly objectin’, Ennis.”

Ennis gritted his teeth and grabbed at Jack’s hands, wrenched them off. “Stop it. Just stop it, Jack.”

Jack’s tongue was in his mouth next, hot and reekin’ of whiskey, but all Jack, and Ennis couldn’t help but open to him, though his stomach felt sick and he felt the prick of tears behind his eyes. Jack made a sound deep in his throat when Ennis started kissin’ back, and then they was rockin’ against each other hard, bodies seekin’ each other just like always.

So temptin’ to lose himself in this, wrench at Jack’s clothes and take him hard, like so many times before, the harsh joy of the couplin’ erasin’ all thought. So temptin’, but so wrong. “Wrong.” Ennis pulled away from Jack’s mouth, gasped it out again. “This is wrong, Jack.”

Jack reached for his belt buckle, fumbled to wrench it open, panted, “Never stopped you before.” Ennis grabbed Jack’s wrists, held them hard. “Not what I mean.” Jack just leaned into Ennis’ neck, started suckin’ hard, a suck that turned to a bite when Ennis pushed at him again.

“Stop it, Jack.” Ennis shoved harder, and then Jack was hittin’ Ennis’ shoulders, hard, with his open palms, makin’ Ennis’ head rock back against the sofa, hissin’, “Fucker! We ain’t never said no ta’ each other before. You turned into my wife?”

Ennis felt his temper pushin’ hard against his patience, felt it tryin’ to bubble up, but he shoved it down, just like he’d been shovin’ down his worry all week. “First time fer everythin’, Jack,” he gritted out.

“Fuck you Ennis del Mar,” Jack slurred, hittin’ at Ennis’ shoulders again, hard. It cracked somethin’ in Ennis, him already in the grip of a headache, and now Jack shovin’ him like that. He shoved back, harder this time, and then Jack was takin’ a swing at him, a shitty one since he was still straddlin’ his lap and half drunk, but still, Ennis barely blocked it and it hurt like heck where Jack’d hit his bicep. Then Jack was swingin’ again, sayin’, “Fuck you, fuck you, Ennis del fuckin’ Mar,” and Ennis’ anger rose up hard, Jack fucked up like this ‘cause he’d been fuckin’ that other guy, shouldn’t never have been doin’ that, Jack knew it was wrong. This time Ennis blocked the punch harder, a punch headed for his cheek, then shoved Jack hard, real hard, sayin’, “Stop it Jack, asshole.”

Jack fell back and then down between the sofa and the coffee table, crackin’ his back with a sound Ennis could hear, and then Jack was surgin’ up and then down towards Ennis, this time with better leverage, and one of his vicious hooks was headin’ toward Ennis’ face. Wasn’t no conscious thought as raised his knee, hard, into Jack’s nuts, but it happened, and then Jack was clutchin’ himself and on the floor, cryin’ out in a broken voice, “Oh fuck, oh my god, fuck.” Ennis felt a bolt of shame course through him and shoved the table away, then leveraged himself down next to Jack, said, “Jack, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean ta’ hurt you, I didn’t mean it.”

Then Jack rose up with a roar and flipped on top of Ennis, pummeling him with his fists, connectin’ with Ennis’ ribs. He was chantin’, “It’s yer fault, it’s all yer fault.” Ennis heard the words Jack wasn’t speakin’, “coulda had a real good life together,” words he could still hear echoin’ in his head from their last campin’ trip, and even worse, the words “sweet life,” words the young Jack’d said so hopeful. Ennis couldn’t tell the pain inside from the pain outside, it was all the same thing. He raised up his hands on instinct ta’ defend his face, though part of him wished he could just leave it open to be hit, feelin’ he deserved every punch and then some.

Most of Jack’s punches lacked any real strength, him bein’ pretty much drunk, but one finally hit on a rib as had been cracked years ago by that mare o’ his when she spooked, and Ennis curled up in pain.

Next he knew the blows had stopped, and Jack was leanin’ over him, voice with a sob in it now, “Ennis? Ennis? Oh god, Ennis, I hurt you?” Jack’s hands were scrabblin’ at Ennis’ shirt now, like he was tryin’ to look for blood, and Ennis brought his hands up and caught at Jack’s hands. He gasped out, “S’alright, Jack.”

Jack looked at Ennis, really looked for the first time since he’d gotten there, and horror crossed his face. He gasped in a breath. “No. It’s not. Not alright. Ennis.” Jack was gaspin’ hard now, tryin’ for air, wild look in his eye ‘mindin’ Ennis of that mare right after she kicked him in that same rib. Looked like he could bolt at any second. The slightest word wrong, the slightest breath. Spooked. “Ennis, I hurt you!”

Ennis saw the self-hatin’ look cross Jack’s face and held onto Jack’s wrists tighter. “No, Jack, I’m fine.”

“I hurt you.” Jack was fightin’ hard ta’ keep from sobbin’ right then and there, Ennis could see it, and he could see Jack’s pride tellin’ him ta’ run.

“You didn’t hurt me, Jack.” Ennis took a breath, kept his voice gentle. “I hurt you, Jack. I hurt you. All them years.”

Ennis was braced, ready for it when Jack tried to stand up ta’ run. A hard tug back, and Jack was sprawled on top of him, fightin’ ta’ get up, but Ennis had the advantage, and rode it out, till Jack gave up. He let his wrists go then, and wrapped his arms and legs tight ‘round Jack, Jack who was tremblin’ on top of him. Ennis felt the minute when Jack broke, when he remembered and let all of it back into his brain, ‘cause the tremblin’ turned to shakin’, and then he was shakin’ all over so bad it seemed like he’d shake apart. Jack gasped in a breath, and then he buried his face up against Ennis’ neck, gaspin’, not a sob, not cryin’ no tears, just shakin’ with his whole body like his girls when they’d had high fevers, the kind of fevers as brought the doctor by, back in the day.

He didn’t know how long they lay like that, Jack on top of Ennis, held tight in his arms, him murmuring some nonsense or other, but it was a long time. The shakin’ finally turned back to trembles, and then finally to stillness – stillness so complete Ennis wondered if Jack could be asleep, though his heart knew better. He ran his hand soft through Jack’s silky hair again and again, plantin’ kisses on the top of his head, whispered, “It’s alright, Jack. It’s okay.” He didn’t know if he was sayin’ that they’d be okay, or Bill would be okay, or that it was okay Jack had come apart like that, but maybe it was all of it.

“Oh shit.” Jack had been quiet for some time, but he suddenly pushed up to his elbows over Ennis, clutchin’ his head. Jack looked pale in the faint light comin’ into the living room from the lamp Ennis’d left on in the bedroom. Jack’s hand went quick from his forehead to cover his mouth, and he pushed up to a stand real quick and ran toward the bedroom. Ennis recognized that look, and yelled out, “Second door on the right.” Looked like Jack’d cut it too short, though, ‘cause Ennis heard the distinct sound of Jack hittin’ the floor and retchin’ from the hallway.

Jack must o’ drunk even more than Ennis had guessed. They’d always joked that if there was one thing Jack was good at, it was drinkin’, though in recent years Ennis’d wondered a little if they should be jokin’ about it. “Oh shit. Sorry, Ennis.” Jack’s voice, weak-soundin’, from the hall, and then Ennis was there. “S’alright, Jack. You got more in you?”

Jack shook his head, sittin’ up in the hall slumped over himself, and Ennis could tell he was still a little drunk. “Nah. Got it out.” Jack scrabbled weakly for purchase on the floor. “Should be goin’.”

Ennis sighed out a frustrated breath. Figured he didn’t need to say nothin’, ‘cause Jack wasn’t goin’ nowhere right now – he looked like he could barely crawl. “You rest a second and we’ll get you cleaned up.”

Jack laughed, but it still wasn’t a good sound. Ennis looked at the mess in the hall, the mess that was Jack, and had to figure how to do this. First Jack, so he helped him, Jack mumblin’ under his breath all the way. Got him into the bathroom and under the shower, found some pajamas Francie had given him for Christmas one year. He brought Jack to the bedroom, muscled him down into the bed. “Got to go, Ennis, got to get back.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. You gotta sober up though, Jack, get some rest too. How long’s it been since you slept, anyway?”

Jack’s voice was muffled against the sheets. “Ain’t been sleepin’ too good. At the hospital a lot. Workin’. Nightmares.” His voice was getting muzzy with sleep, still was a little slurred with drink though. Ennis looked at Jack, there in the bed he’d bought for them, wearin’ his own red pajamas, and his heart squeezed tight. Jack was like a wounded animal right now, skittish and bone-deep fearful. It’d be worse when the drink wore off, most likely.

Ennis’ own heart was like an open wound. Felt like Jack pullin’ away would rip the final cover off it, leave it bare. Jack’s hair was tumbled, dark, on the pillow of the bed, and his body had curled up like a baby. Drunk and asleep, Jack’d lost some of the protective coatin’ the world had given him. That Ennis had given him.

Wasn’t no way to fight the need ta’ curl up with Jack, and he figured weren’t no reason not to, not really. It’d make the partin’ hurt all the more, but he was helpless against it anyway. He cleaned up the hall and bathroom first, threw his clothes and the towels into the washer Evelyn’d helped him pick out, insistin’ it added to the value of the house anyway. He pulled on some shorts and got in the bed, heart poundin’ hard. He’d thought he’d felt the most a man could feel, but he’d been wrong. These were the feelins’ he’d always run from, and now he was lettin’ himself feel ‘em full, not runnin’ when his heart started swellin’ – Jesus, how did people do it? Seemed like people’d been feelin’ these things since them early Bible days or even before. The fear, the joy, all wrapped together in a swirl of feelin’ so strong, felt like he’d never be able to leave Jack’s side. He curled up ginger behind Jack, his body wrappin’ itself without a thought ‘round Jack’s warmth. He didn’t want to sleep, wanted to just keep strokin’ Jack’s hair soft, feel Jack’s hand clasp his like instinct when he burrowed closer.

He stayed awake a long time like that, and when he couldn’t fight sleep any longer, wrapped himself even tighter ‘round Jack. Wasn’t no way Jack could move without him knowin’ it, and he wasn’t lettin’ Jack go before he got him to say Ennis could stay. That was all, that was the important thing. Everythin’ else could wait.

He woke up hearin’ someone groanin’, and it took only a second to remember it must be Jack. Jack was tryin’ to get out of his arms, sayin’ fierce and panicky, “Let me go, let me go.” Ennis tightened his grip, said, “Jack, it’s me,” and he felt Jack stiffen. “Oh, shit.” Jack’s voice sounded like shame. He pushed harder, tryin’ to get out of Ennis’ grip.

He was still a little weak, so Ennis kept him there easy. “Jack, listen ta’ me. I’ll let go, but only if you’ll stay for awhile. Only if you’ll say you’ll stay and talk.” Ennis realized with a sickenin’ jolt ta’ his gut that the faintest tendrils of silver were mixin’ with the lamp’s light, silver from dawn not far off through the curtains.

Jack snorted. “After twenty fuckin’ years, now you want to talk.”

“Yeah. Now I want ta’ talk.” Ennis kept his voice calm again, ‘cause Jack’s body was vibratin’ spook like a scared horse.

Jack stopped strugglin’, and Ennis eased his arms a little. Jack turned ‘round and faced Ennis, with one of them angry, closed-off looks on his face. “Fine. You wanna talk. Go ahead. Talk. Let’s get it over.”

Ennis swallowed. Wasn’t no way to do this ‘cept do it, but it sure was harder, Jack a few inches from him, rather than on some phone line and a thousand miles away. His own pride was tryin’ to swell up, but he shoved it down hard as he could. Jack was doin’ it on purpose, he knew it, tryin’ to push hard on him. Ennis felt himself breathin’ hard. Fish or cut bait. “I wanna - .” Jack’s eyes flashed into him, and Ennis felt shame crawlin’ up his spine. Was he gonna be beggin’ soon? Nearly had been beggin’ Jack on the phone. Is that what Jack wanted, him crawlin’? No words came out.

Jack’s mouth got even tighter. “Yeah, I thought so.” He pushed the covers down, moved to get up.

Ennis sat half up, grabbed Jack’s elbow. The dark outside had already lightened considerable. Soon he’d have to go, tend ta’ the chores. “No, Jack. All I want - .”

Jack stiffened again when Ennis stopped talking. Something snapped in Ennis. “Jesus, Jack, you want me to beg, that it? ‘Cause I think I already did on the phone. I’ll beg you if you want, just let me stay. Ain’t got no pride left anyhow – what difference does it make?”

Ennis saw Jack’s own pride rise up, hard, saw that he had messed it up. His one chance, his last chance, and he’d screwed it up, sure as shit, light mixin’ strong with the dark now at the curtained window, meanin’ the cows would be gettin’ anxious. Jack saw Ennis’ glance to the window, looked back ta’ Ennis, narrowed his eyes. “You thinkin’ on them cows instead of me, Ennis.” It wasn’t a question.

After all the swallowin’ his pride, it was just too much. “Fuck you, Jack.” Ennis pulled the sheets down on his side of the bed. “Only reason I’m thinkin’ of them fuckin’ cows is ‘cause they’re your fuckin’ cows.” He swung his feet down to the cold floor, sickness curlin’ in his gut. He’d be alone now the rest of his sorry life, a sad old man when the time came.

He couldn’t figure out what the sound was when he first heard it. Comin’ from where Jack was on the bed, so he turned to see. A laugh. A real laugh, a Jack Twist laugh.

“Whut?” He couldn’t help but ask, seein’ Jack curled up on a real laugh.

Jack held out his hand like to stop Ennis from leavin’, couldn’t talk he was laughin’ so hard, quiet, almost like his shakin’ last night. Finally, he gasped out, “My fuckin’ cows.”

To his horror, Ennis felt his own mouth quirk up. It wasn’t no time ta’ be laughin’, last time in the world for that.

Jack had tears leakin’ out of his eyes now, was slappin’ the bed. “My fuckin’ cows.”

Helpless in the face of Jack Twist, like he always had been, Ennis felt an answerin’ laugh rise up from deep inside him. Felt so good ta’ see Jack like this, hear a real laugh out o’ him. Jack reached for him with his outstretched hand, drew him in, willin’, to an embrace that was punctuated by them laughin’, Jack slappin’ Ennis’ back a coupla times and chortlin’, “Cows.”

After awhile, Jack drew back a little, storm of laughin’ over, looked into Ennis’ face serious. The old heat snapped hard between them, and Jack’s fingers were on Ennis’ face, his eyes blazin’ into Ennis, suckin’ him down into the blue stormy sea. Ennis felt his body bein’ pulled toward Jack’s, and Jack made a helpless sound as meant he was fallin’ too.

Then Jack said, “Cows,” but serious this time. Light was comin’ through the window. Ennis shut his eyes and felt Jack’s breath on his face, them both hoverin’, lips only inches away. Drawin’ back was like torture, and Jack’s eyes looked half drowned. Ennis whispered, “Fuck the cows,” tide of longing pullin’ on him stronger than it ever had, Jack’s breath almost in his mouth like that.

Jack’s eyes widened, and then crinkled. “You ain’t fuckin’ my cows, Ennis. Not today.”

Ennis’ breath gasped out in somethin’ between a snort and a protest, and he tackled Jack flat onto the bed. Jack was gigglin’ now, soundin’ like his nineteen-year-old self, but Ennis didn’t let up till he was gaspin’ and sayin’, “Uncle, I give.” Ennis was flush on top of Jack now, him warm and willin’ underneath him, and their bodies had started rockin’ against each other without either of ‘em even knowin’ it while they was playin’. Jack pushed up on Ennis though, pushed up and said, “You gotta get to them animals.” Ennis cocked his head at Jack and ground his cock, just a little, right into Jack’s. Jack gasped, and Ennis breathed out, “I ain’t leavin’ ‘less you’ll be here when I get back.”

Jack stilled beneath him, and his eyes skittered away from Ennis’ like sheep sidesteppin’ a herdin’ dog. Ennis said, “Just to talk. Jack, you gotta.”

Jack turned his eyes back to Ennis after a long time silent, nodded short. Ennis gritted his teeth for the willpower ta’ pull his body off of Jack’s, and Jack whispered, “Kiss first?”

Ennis was helpless, shut his eyes against the want, but murmured, “You promise you’ll be here when I get back?” He opened his eyes and looked straight into Jack.

Jack nodded again, firmer this time, murmured back, “I promise,” and against his judgment Ennis lowered his mouth careful and slow onto Jack’s. Instead of a bruisin’ kiss, cocks grindin’, it was soft, soft as a baby’s skin when they came together, all of Ennis’ feelins’ for Jack risin’ up in him so strong, after all the horror of them phone calls, all the strength it’d taken him to get to this point. Jack’s lips were warm, warm and soft, and they pressed together, just sharin’ breath for a space of time, and then Jack opened his lips under him, and Ennis’ tongue was slidin’ into that mouth, taste of Jack surroundin’ him and overwhelmin’ him. His hands went up to cup Jack’s face, stroke on his man’s stubble, his softer moustache. Jack’s tongue answered his, and slid into Ennis’ mouth, and Ennis moaned, wantin’ to possess Jack and surrender ta’ him all at the same time, wantin’ to keep him here, on this bed in their house, the house he’d built for them, forever.

It went on and on, and Ennis tried to say in the kiss all them things that were so hard to say in words, things like first time I met you and all the days since and rest of my life and most of all, I’m sorry. He was on top of Jack, and then he was underneath him, and it didn’t matter – all he wanted was to find Jack and bring him home. Jack was lost, lost to grief and anger and the cruelty of the world, and he needed Ennis to find him, bring him back.

When Jack finally pushed Ennis away, Ennis was lyin’ on top of Jack again. They were both breathin’ hard. Jack was flushed under his hands, which were curled in his dark hair. His eyes were that breathless shade of blue that Ennis remembered from all them years ago – he’d had some crazy thought that the clearest mountain sky had nothin’ on that color. The grey at Jack’s temples and the wrinkles near his eyes made Ennis’ heart well up with feelin’, ta’ see what life had done to Jack, and not done. ‘Cause Jack was there, under all the hurt, and only Ennis could help him find his way back.

Ennis must o’ been gazin’ on Jack like some lovesick puppy, ‘cause Jack raised his hand real tender ta’ brush at Ennis’ hair. He smiled one of them Jack lopsided smiles, said, “If you don’t go tend to the stock now, yer never gonna, ‘cause I’m not gonna let you go.”

“Shit, Jack.” Ennis rolled up and leveraged to sitting. Jack asked, “You want me to come help?” Ennis looked at him, couldn’t tell what he was thinkin’ on. “Thought you didn’t want yer folks knowin’ you was here.”

Jack nodded slow. “Yeah. Still for the best. Ennis - .” Jack held his eyes. “I’m gonna have to go back, you know. Soon. Too many folks countin’ on me.”

Ennis nodded back. “Why don’t ya’ sleep a bit, I’ll wake you up when I get back. We can talk, then you can go.” He swallowed. “Once you say I can stay.”

Jack’s face got tight and sad again. He shook his head. “Don’t think so, Ennis. Meant what I said.”

“We’ll see.” Ennis’ hands’ were shakin’, but he got up to tend the stock. “You sleep.”

Jack burrowed into the blankets and closed his eyes, and Ennis pulled himself out of that room by sheer force of will. He raced through the mornin’ chores, did some of that delegatin’ of longer jobs that Lisa was always on his case about. Thanks ta’ Providence, John Twist was away on some day trip for a new type of seed, so Ennis didn’t even have to grunt to him like he normally did if their paths happened to cross.

 

 

 

 

When Ennis burst in the door ‘round noon, he had to stop for a second on the sight that met his eyes. ‘Cause there was Jack, settin’ out some bread on the table, ta’ join some ham and mustard and other stuff he’d already put out there. Jack, in their house, surrounded by that lupine blue color on the wall, settin’ out bread like this was just any other day. Ennis felt a little weak, must’ve stumbled a little on the sight, ‘cause Jack looked up sharp at him, but just set the bread down and proceeded on makin’ a sandwich. Ennis joined him, quiet, though he didn’t feel no hunger for food.

They ate in silence, coulda been cardboard for all Ennis knew, then Jack said, “Come here,” and patted a place on that sofa next ta’ him. Ennis sat, watchin’ Jack collect himself, lookin’ on the big picture window at the front o’ the room. Jack got a sudden soft look in his eye, said “you plan that, lookin’ out toward the Sundance like that?”

Ennis nodded. “Thought you’d like lookin’ out toward the Route, too.”

Jack looked at him sharp. “How’d you know I always looked out to the road growin’ up?”

“I - .” And there was his goddamned tongue stoppin’ in his head again. Jack waited, lookin’ at him hard. “I remember most all you ever said ta’ me, Jack.” He blew out some air. “That ain’t no secret no more, is it?”

Jack got warm in his eyes again. “No, I guess it ain’t.” Jack leaned his head back on the back of the sofa and closed his eyes. Ennis just waited, wanted to wait as long as it took. After a bit, Jack just started in. “Never seen nothin’ so terrible in my life as what happened ta’ Bill, Ennis.” He opened his eyes, turned his head ta’ look straight into Ennis’ eyes. “Ain’t never gonna see such a thing happen to you. ‘Less we’re movin’ ta’ San Francisco – “ Jack smiled a weak smile at Ennis – “it’s too risky. Even then. Just is.”

“Jack - .” Ennis’ heart felt like someone was actually twistin’ it right there. “They know more what happened now?”

Jack nodded. He leaned his head back on the sofa again, covered his eyes with his hand. “After you came here - .” Jack swallowed, and Ennis wanted ta’ wrap him up in his arms and never let go, held himself back from touchin’ only ‘cause he knew Jack needed to tell this. “I told him I wasn’t seein’ him no more, after you came here. Few weeks later, some rednecks suckered him into somethin’ outside a bar and - .”

Jack raised his head up, and Ennis could see the feelins’ swirlin’ in his eyes. “Somebody called the police on ‘em, but they weren’t in no hurry. He’s doin’ a little better, got some feelin’ back in his legs. His wife - .”

Ennis let himself reach out now, touch Jack gentle on the shoulder. Jack’s voice was close to a whisper. “We’d agreed – we’d stay safe, keep it secret. Neither of us was lookin’ ta’ leave our wives or nothin’ like that. And he knew about you. It was just a way to - .” Jack closed his eyes, put his hand up in that way he had, tryin’ to hold it in. “He wouldn’t never have gone to that bar if I’d kept ta’ the deal. And now, wasn’t bad enough he got beat ‘most to death, his wife found out, found out what he’d been doin’ with that boy, found out why those good ol’ boys almost killed him. We got it kept out of the newspaper, but she knows. Rallied ‘round him, good woman, but gonna divorce him soon’s he’s better. Or soon enough, if he don’t get better. He probably won’t get to see his kids -. He’s got nothin’ now, Ennis, nothin’ and nobody.”

Jack took a shudderin’ breath. “You were right, Ennis. Isn’t no kind of world ta’ be like us in. Isn’t worth it, thought of that happenin’ to a good man like that, or to you. I mean, I’m not stupid. ‘Course I’ve known this shit happens. But I just ain’t gonna wait around for such a thing to destroy you.” Jack swallowed, looked Ennis in the eye. “I couldn’t stand it, Ennis. And I’m tired of fightin’.”

Ennis’ heart twisted again. He’d made Jack tired, tired of fightin’ for time, fightin’ for respect.

Ennis thought on all the times Jack’d had this hurtin’ look in their years together, hurt put there by the same thing, only comin’ through Ennis back then. Can’t, shouldn’t, don’t. Wrong, sin, faggot.

Now, seein’ Jack hurtin’, Ennis felt the same need he always had, to make that hurt less. But now, instead of clampin’ down on his own heart, curlin’ into himself ta’ stop the words from comin’ out, Ennis let go. Let go of shouldn’t, let go of sin, let go of faggot. Wasn’t really that hard, right here and now. All them years, him thinkin’ he wouldn’t be a man any more if he let his feelins’ out, and what good had that done him? It ended up with this, with Jack in pain just like before, twenty years on and the both of them all alone, and a man down in Texas whose life might as well be ended.

He let go of all of it, like he was learnin’ to do, said “Jack” in the voice he’d used with his daughters and his horses, tender and low. He pulled Jack into his arms, held him gentle till he felt him relax. He just rocked him a bit in quiet, tryin’ to let him know from his arms ‘round him and his lips in his hair how he felt.

Jack put his own arms ‘round Ennis after a while, pulled him tight, and they just stayed like that.

After a long time, Ennis said, “I was wrong though, too, Jack. I was right ‘cause the world’s got its share of people willin’ to give hurt to anyone who’s different. But I was wrong - .” Ennis pulled his arms a little tighter. “I was wrong, ‘cause what’s the point, a person don’t have this in their life.”

Ennis whispered, “Just say I can stay. You don’t have ta’ do nothin’. Let me stay.” He pulled back a little, lifted Jack’s head up soft with his hand, waited till Jack was lookin’ into his eyes. “’Less you don’t want me no more.”

Jack closed his eyes, and Ennis thought he was probably tryin’ to find it in himself ta’ say that he didn’t want Ennis no more. Jack’s eyes opened, and he shook his head a little. Ennis bit his lip, and Jack’s eyes lowered to Ennis’ mouth. He raised his eyes back up to Ennis, got a little smile on his face. “You know I always want you. I’ve wanted you from the first time I saw you.”

Their eyes connected, and the world faded away. He felt it, same as always, surge down his spine, the connection between them, electric, and had to close his eyes against the want. When he opened them, Jack’s smile had faded and his eyes had darkened, his pupils fillin’ more space in the blue. Jack’s hand, tremblin’, reached out to Ennis’ lips, traced gentle ‘round his mouth.

“Jack - .” He should fight it, get Jack to agree to let him stay first before - .

Jack breathed, “Ennis,” and curled his other hand ‘round Ennis’ head, slid it back to his neck, brought his lips soft toward Ennis, soft like the kiss from this mornin’, soft like feathers or the fog on Brokeback. Ennis couldn’t think, Jack’s hand raisin’ goosebumps wherever it touched, Jack’s breath ghostin’ on his face. Jack nuzzled his lips against Ennis’, murmured, “Ennis,” again, and Ennis couldn’t help it, he rubbed his lips back on Jack’s, whispered, “Jack,” and then their lips were kissin’, first so soft, then harder, Jack’s hand behind his neck pullin’ him tighter. This time Ennis opened his mouth first, let Jack in, feelin’ the shock when Jack’s tongue slid in like he’d felt it that first time on Brokeback, the shock like tumblers clickin’ in a lock, the shock like rightness.

Ennis brought his own hand, shakin’, ‘round Jack’s head, tightened his fingers in his curls. Felt like they could kiss like this forever, not needin’ nothin’ else.

Then Jack shifted closer and sighed, and the banked fire inside Ennis flared. Jack musta felt it, ‘cause he was on him then, hands cupped on either side of Ennis’ face, leg thrown up and over so he was straddlin’ Ennis like he had last night, but this time it weren’t no bitter stranger, this time it was Jack, his Jack, gaspin’ into his mouth when they pressed against each other through the denim.

Ennis gasped too, fire coursin’ through his veins, fire needin’ a place to run. And why not? Jack was hot and willin’ in his arms, mouth consumin’ him, body surgin’ against his like waves on a shore.

One of Jack’s hands stayed in his hair, holdin’ his mouth tight to him, and the other stroked an electric line down Ennis’ shoulder, down farther to tug on his shirt, pullin’ it free from the waist of his jeans. Ennis jerked when Jack’s hand touched the skin of his stomach, running warm fingers across the skin above his waistband. Jack breathed, “Yeah,” stokin’ the fire higher, and then Ennis’ hands were scrabblin’ at Jack’s shirt, wrenchin’ it up, shakin’ at the buttons.

Jack moaned when Ennis wrenched his mouth away from Jack’s to swipe his tongue over Jack’s nipple, then suck it into his mouth. His hands worked at Ennis’ fly, gettin’ the zipper down and Ennis’ cock into his hand so fast Ennis bit down without thought, and Jack yowled, writhin’ on Ennis’ lap, sayin’, “Fuck.”

Then Jack was leveragin’ up and Ennis blurrily knew he was pushin’ his pants down and away, mouth back on Ennis’, plunderin’ tongue makin’ him crazy with desire. Next thing he knew, Jack’s fingers were in his mouth, Jack whisperin’ fierce, “Suck ‘em,” and Ennis did, both of them moanin’ on the heat of Ennis suckin’ Jack’s fingers like that, Ennis imaginin’ the hard heat of Jack between his lips, the tang of his come in his mouth.

Fuck, he was goin’ ta’ come like this, like he hadn’t since he was young, makin’ out like kids, but he wanted more, he wanted ta’ feel Jack everywhere, surround himself in Jack, be surrounded by him, and - .

Ennis’ eyes, eyes he hadn’t even realized were closed, snapped open on the feel of Jack’s naked ass rubbin’ against his cock, Jack moanin’, “Fuck me, fuck me now Ennis.” Ennis had to bite his lip hard to keep from comin’ right then at the sight, Jack straddlin’ him, pants gone, grabbin’ Ennis hand, suckin’ his fingers hard into his mouth, then bringin’ his spit-covered fingers behind his cock, behind his balls, to -.

“Fuck!” That was Jack, cryin’ out and throwin’ his head back at the touch of Ennis’ fingers, and Ennis craned his head and bit at the hard arch of Jack’s beautiful neck, bit then licked, then bit again as he worked a finger in, and then another.

He panted through the sight, afraid he was goin’ to come from lookin’ at Jack like this, ‘cause if there was a sight under Heaven hotter than Jack Twist archin’ back on his lap, twistin’ down on his fingers, he couldn’t imagine it.

Then Jack was fumblin’ ‘round him blind, lookin’ for somethin’, and he gasped, “Pants.” Ennis took his meanin’ and reached for Jack’s pants on the floor, pullin’ a tube out of the pocket and slickin’ his cock, then his shakin’ fingers. He slid his fingers back and in and Jack whimpered, then whispered, “Oh fuck. Oh, Ennis. Now. Come on.” Jack grabbed Ennis’ cock, risin’ up proud from the undone fly of his jeans, and arched forward to lick at Ennis’ neck, positioning himself and takin’ the first little bit in, then stoppin’ to pant and lick at Ennis’ lips. Ennis was pantin’ himself, fightin’ the instinct as said thrust hard, now, up into heat and light and Jack.

“It’s gonna hurt, Jack, this position,” Ennis managed, somehow clawin’ his way out of his lust fog for a few seconds.

Jack’s grin was blindin’. He said, clear as day, “Best things usually do,” then lowered himself, deliberate, onto Ennis. Ennis’ heart surged at Jack’s words, beatin’ so hard that the feelin’ almost overrode the excruciatin’ pleasure of Jack surroundin’ him. He couldn’t move, couldn’t think, helpless with love for Jack like always. ‘Cause that’s what it was, what it always had been. “Jack.” Ennis didn’t care that his voice broke on the name, that his hand was shakin’ when it reached to stroke on Jack’s cheek. “Jack.”

Jack lifted his eyes to Ennis’, and Ennis remembered the days when he couldn’t even look at Jack for fear of the truth it was a man he held, a man he kissed, a man he dreamt of in the dark. That wasn’t him no more, and there was somethin’ he needed to remember, somethin’ he needed to say. He found the breath somehow, said soft and low, lookin’ straight into Jack’s eyes, “Jack, say I can stay.”

“What?” Jack’s face was a picture, lust and longin’, shock and anger.

Ennis thrust, just a little, up into Jack and he moaned, saggin’ his weight down onto his hands braced on Ennis’ shoulders. Ennis lowered his voice to a purr. “Say I can stay.” He thrust again, a little harder, hand comin’ to wrap lightly ‘round Jack’s rock-hard dick.

Jack threw his head back and whined. “Not fair.”

“Life ain’t fair,” Ennis panted, husky, in Jack’s ear.

“Asshole,” Jack said, but it turned into a groan when Ennis jacked him a little harder and thrust again, lickin’ ‘round Jack’s ear at the same time in the way he knew got him every time.

“Just say it, Jack.”

Jack groaned again, but brought his mouth to Ennis’ ear and whispered, “Alright.”

Ennis said, “Alright. You mean it?”

Jack bit Ennis’ ear, hard, gritted out, “I said alright, you fucker. Now move.”

Ennis let go then, let go of the hold he had on rational, let go of the shore, and thrust up, full strength, into Jack, moved his hands to Jack’s hips to guide him down, then up and then down again to match his thrusts. Their mouths were back together, one of Jack’s hands behind Ennis’ head to hold him tight against him there, the other on his own cock, freein’ Ennis to set the rhythm with his hands on Jack’s hips and his own strong body, their old fine rhythm that had begun that time on the mountain and never really stopped ever since.

Time and the world seemed ta’ stutter around him - in to focus on one thing - the hot curl of Jack’s tongue twistin’ in his ear, the slick slide of Jack’s strong thighs over his, or the sweat-damp curl of Jack’s hair in his fingers – then out to a place where time and place and sweat didn’t exist, a place of him and Jack twined together, body and soul, backwards and forwards through the years.

He crashed back into his body when Jack stopped the kiss and put his mouth on Ennis’ ear, pantin’, “Gonna shoot.” Ennis gasped and stiffened inside Jack, crushed Jack to him and came, sobbin’ out his release into Jack’s hair, as Jack’s spunk coated his belly and his chest.

The world around him came filterin’ back slowly. First Jack’s hand, clenched in the collar of his shirt behind his neck, Jack’s breath harsh on his shoulder. Then his own body, coated in sweat and spunk, shirt and pants open but not even off. The sofa, the living room, warm afternoon light makin’ the blue on the walls that much brighter, Jack’s presence here that much more real.

Jack. Ennis brought his hands up ta’ Jack’s head, stroked the hair fallin’ over his own shoulder, whispered, “Jack.” Jack pulled himself up, pulled off o’ Ennis, wincin’ a little, but Ennis made sure his arms didn’t let go of him, pulled him in to lie on top of Ennis best they could.

After a few minutes, Jack stirred, sat up a little, looked Ennis over. “Well, shit. We sure made a mess.”

Ennis smiled, a little shy now. “Sure did.” Jack was flushed, hair a mess, shirt hangin’ down failin’ ta’ cover much. He looked a picture, and Ennis could look all day.

How he felt musta been showin’ in his smile, ‘cause Jack rolled out one of his sweet smiles, rubbed his thumb along Ennis’ cheek. He tipped his head, gave Ennis a look. “Did I actually just agree ta’ you stayin’?”

Ennis felt his own smile almost crackin’ his face. “You surely did.”

Jack snorted. “Never thought I’d see the day when Ennis del fuckin’ Mar made such a deal. Next there’ll be pigs flyin’.”

“I’d believe almost anythin’ right now, Jack,” Ennis said, shakin’ his head. He was a mess, come splattered all up and down, clothes half hangin’ off, and Jack – Jack looked like he’d just had sex on a sofa. “Ya’ wanna get cleaned up, Jack?”

Jack nodded. “Yeah. Sounds good. Come with?” His eyes were shiny bright, clearer than they’d been since he’d gotten there.

“You bet.” Ennis gathered himself to get up, felt Jack starin’ at him. “Whut?”

“Nothin’.” Jack shook his head, held out a hand to Ennis to help him up. “Just never thought I’d see the day.”

Ennis wrenched himself to standin’, didn’t let go of Jack’s hand, pulled Jack in close with a tug. “Believe it, Jack. Next thing is gettin’ your ass up here for good.” His hand came ‘round the ass in question, gave a suggestive tug.

Jack laughed. “You gonna use the same technique ta’ get me to say yes to that?” He raised an eyebrow, eyein’ Ennis’ unzipped pants and open shirt, the splatters on his torso. Ennis felt his own smile grow teasin’, felt his dick, incredibly, stir a little, and he tugged Jack closer, rubbed them together. “Just might.”

“Mmm.” Jack leaned in and kissed him, not the soft kisses of earlier, or the hungry kisses of a few minutes ago, but somethin’ in between. “C’mon.”

This time Ennis knew what to do in a shower with Jack, and he did all he could to bring a smile ta’ his face, diggin’ his fingers in hard ta’ the tense muscles of his back, rubbin’ shampoo gentle through his hair, lickin’ into his ear sudden.

When he pulled back, he glanced toward the windows. Still afternoon, but the light was gettin’ that tinge as said the sun was headin’ down, not up. When their eyes met, Ennis said, “I’m gonna have ta’ put the place down for the night, takes a coupla hours.” Jack nodded. “I know.”

“Stay tonight, Jack. Get some rest. You need it. Ain’t safe ta’ be drivin’ tonight. Leave first light.” Ennis put all the strength of his conviction, all his love, behind the words.

Jack’s eyes got that haunted look back, and he stared out the window toward the road in the distance. “Lot o’ people dependin’ on me right now.” He looked back at Ennis, nodded.

“You got anything I can make for supper?”

Ennis smiled. “You stayin’?”

Jack stretchd, yawned and sighed. “I’ll never hear the end of it if I go now.”

Ennis could feel his smile tryin’ to reach his eyes. “That’s right. You gotta stay tonight, no other choice.”

Jack nodded. “Yeah, well, go off and take care o’ my livestock.” Jack looked out the side windows down to his folks’ place. “Wish I could see my momma.” His voice got wistful.

“Maybe you should, Jack.” Ennis longed ta’ pull Jack into his arms, soothe the worry lines formin’ on his forehad again. “She misses you bad.”

“I know.” Jack let the curtain drop, pressed his lips together, shook his head. “I just can’t. I can’t be gone no longer. Want to spend tonight here. Don’t wanna see my daddy. Ennis - .”

“Yeah?” Ennis had his gloves on, hand on the door.

Jack shook his head. “Never mind.”

Ennis stared at him hard. Jack seemed better’n he had before, but still weighed down in a way as made Ennis sorry. Were the lines on his face new, or had they been there a long time, put there by Ennis?

Some of his feelin’ musta been showin’ on his face, ‘cause Jack cracked a little smile at him. “Go. I’ll be here when you get back.”

Ennis decided ta’ drive down ta’ the barn to save that bit o’ time, raced through the motions of overseein’ the place. Charlie looked at him funny when he started ta’ give the wrong medicine ta’ the wrong animal. “Here. Let me do that.” Ennis nodded.

“Say, Ennis?”

“Yeah.” Ennis was mentally tickin’ off jobs, picturin’ Jack in the house, their house, waitin’ for him.

“Can I take a coupla days in October? Second week?”

Ennis answered without thought. “Sure.”

Somethin’ ‘bout Charlie’s quiet made him focus in for a second. A little smile was dartin’ ‘round his mouth.

“Whut?”

Charlie’s smile went to a grin. “Someone I met’s gonna be back down ta’ Laramie, that’s all.”

“Oh really?” Charlie’s grin was catchin’, tonight.

“Yeah really.”

“How old? Where from?”

Charlie blushed and looked hard at the medicine in his hand. “Twenty-four. California. Feedlot manager.”

Ennis’ eyebrows raised. “Treat you right?”

Charlie’s eyes looked like Jack’s had on Brokeback, when he thought Ennis wasn’t lookin’. Ennis’ heart wrenched.

“Yeah. Real good.” Charlie’s eyes were full of hope, not beaten down by the world.

“Yeah, well, you be careful, hear?”

“So I can?”

“’Course.” Ennis sighed, fought the ridiculous notion of wantin’ to meet this Mr. Perfect as was seducin’ this young boy with fancy California talk. Charlie was almost nineteen years old – old as him and Jack’d been. And at twenty-four, age of this California guy, Jack n’ him’d both been married with kids, longin’ on each other.

Ennis pushed the remainin’ doses into Charlie’s hands. “Here, you finish.”

“Alright.” Ennis saw Charlie lookin’ at him funny but didn’t care. He needed to get to Jack. Shouldn’t have let anything pull him away from him. Nothin’, never.

The drive back up ta’ the house was a blur. He couldn’t see Jack’s truck, and the panic sparked higher. Not gone, just had hid it well, right? Not gone, not after all this time, Ennis finally welcomin’ him like he shoulda all them other times?

He was breathin’ hard when he shoved open the front door, weight of all their partings sittin’ on his chest hard. Fuck, if Jack had left, drivin’ back in the lonely night - .

And there was Jack, puttin’ burgers on the table, lookin’ all fresh from another shower, hair curlin’ damp ‘round those eyes as matched the walls.

“Ennis?” Natural as anything, Jack lookin’ at him with a question, quiet and calm here in their house.

Their eyes caught across the room and held, and the tremblin’ of the spatula in Jack’s hand hit him hard, evidence it wasn’t just him as felt the connection, same as always, stretchin’ taut between them. He remembered Jack tremblin’ in the entry of the shitty walk-up over the Laundromat all them years ago, when they’d seen each other for the first time in four years. The tremblin’ had made the floorboards shake, and Ennis had barely been able to hold his hands away from touchin’ Jack.

The passion Ennis kept locked down threatened ta’ overwhelm him, wave of desire ‘most knockin’ him on his knees. And there wasn’t no one there ta’ say no, no one to say sin, least of all Jack, who was lookin’ at Ennis with that helpless, drowned expression that always wrenched somethin’ even tighter inside Ennis.

And then he was across the room, knockin’ Jack back against the dinin’ area wall, tongue in his mouth, hands clenched behind his head, Jack givin’ it all back ta’ him just as fierce, spatula droppin’ with a clatter, one hand clenchin’ back behind Ennis’ head, the other runnin’ up ta’ his shoulder, then down his back.

Ennis wanted Jack in his mouth, desire a hammer blow, knockin’ him away from Jack’s mouth, Jack gaspin’ and tryin’ to follow his mouth. Ennis pushed his shoulders back against the wall, hard, and Jack had a confused look, drenched with desire. Ennis growled, “Stay here,” fell to his knees, wrenchin’ Jack’s belt open ta’ the sound of him gaspin’, “Son of a bitch.”

Ennis had him open and out and in his mouth in seconds. Fuck, how could he have not seen, all them years, how doin’ this made him hard as a rock, melted his bones down ta’ liquid, telescoped his world to the hard weight, the soft slide, of his man in his mouth. And bein’ on his knees, tongue wrapped ‘round Jack’s hard hot cock, hands wrapped ‘round Jack’s ass ta’ pull him farther in – should be shameful, kneelin’ like that, dirty, weak, but fuck it wasn’t, it was power, Jack makin’ whimperin sounds, tense from holdin’ back against his body’s desire ta’ pump.

And Ennis wanted it, wanted Jack shovin’ hard into his mouth, pulled off ta’ gasp, “do it, Jack, want it.” Jack groaned and let his hips thrust forward and Ennis opened up, relaxin’, and yeah, that was it, takin’ Jack so deep, feelin’ every shudder as ran through him like it was his own. And it was, ‘cause he was almost spillin’ right now from the fierce hotness of it, the fierce rightness of him and Jack.

Jack stilled and gasped, “fuck!” and was shootin’ down Ennis’ throat, shudderin’ under Ennis’ mouth, milkin’ him for every drop. “Holy fuck!” Jack could hardly talk, pantin’ the words between harsh breaths.

Then Jack’s hands were in Ennis’ hair, gentle now, pressin’ a little, and Ennis realized it might not feel so good no more ta’ Jack, that bein’ the way of it. He eased off, and for a moment felt a bit of shame wash through him. On his knees, man’s dick in his mouth – and likin’ it. Lovin’ it.

“Ennis.” Jack’s voice was a summer breeze, gentlin’ the last mornin’ fog off the peaks. He was slidin’ down the wall now, then kissin’ Ennis tender and hot. Taste of his come was in Ennis’ mouth, but Jack was kissin’ him hard, murmurin’, “Ennis, Ennis,” in his old way.

Jack was fumblin’ for Ennis’ belt then, but he pushed his hands away. “No.”

“But you ain’t - .” Jack’s face was puzzled.

“Wanna - .” Ennis blew out a breath, saw it rustle the curls ‘round Jack’s cheek. He shook his head. “Don’t know why. Just – just wanted to do that. Just that.” Ennis felt the heat on his cheeks. “Let me.”

Jack cupped his hand ‘round Ennis’ cheek, looked at him for a minute, searchin’. “Okay. Think I understand.” Then he kissed Ennis again, this time all tender, hands strokin’ soft on Ennis’ head.

Somethin’ soft and strong was wrappin’ itself ‘round Ennis’ heart, and the hush of twilight was wrappin’ ‘round the house. A calm strong quiet felt like it was fillin’ his veins, fillin’ the empty prairie inside.

“Ennis.” His name, soft and tender. Jack’s eyes were burnin’, filled with the same thing as had been shinin’ there for twenty years. Jack’s hand under his chin tipped his face up so he was lookin’ straight into his eyes. “I -.”

Ennis’ heart squeezed. The quiet was a river, a mountain river to the sea, carryin’ him to a new place.

Jack whispered, “I love you, Ennis del Mar.”

Ennis had to close his eyes against the feelin’ risin’ up in him, spring breedin’ flowers up out o’ the cold ground. Wasn’t nothin’ he hadn’t known, but to hear the words – his eyes stung and he didn’t care.

He opened his eyes, and opened his mouth ta’ say - . But Jack’s finger was on his mouth, and he whispered, “Let me. Owed ya’ that for awhile.” Ennis smiled, though there was tears standin’ in his eyes.

A blow job for words like that didn’t seem no kind of trade, but maybe Jack’d heard the words behind the action, like he always had.

Jack matched the smile and Ennis thought it was a good thing he didn’t have to be around no people tonight. His face was probably worse than lovesick Charlie earlier today. Had anyone but his girls when they was little ever said that ta’ Ennis? His momma, maybe, when he was a baby?

“Jack.” Ennis rubbed his thumb on Jack’s cheek, let his voice carry all the feelin’ he had for him, feelin’ surgin’ up and around and through him, a whirlpool in the desert, pullin’ him in and he wasn’t resistin’.

“Well. Food’s probably cold.” Jack fumbled at his pants.

“Yeah.” Ennis stood, shakily, held a hand down ta’ Jack. Jack surged up and staggered, probably exaggeratin’ a little. “Don’t think I can stand after that. Best blow job of my life.”

The grin and leer he flashed Ennis was catchin’. Reminded Ennis of Jack years ago. His answerin’ grin felt new, and Jack’s eyes were warm.

When they’d loaded their plates, Ennis said, “C’mere,” and took Jack ta’ the little porch behind the house, facin’ west. There wasn’t more’n a tiny line of pink left on the far horizon, but it outlined the distant plateau. The stars was comin’ out strong now, with no moon, and it coulda been Brokeback, the sky was so close.

Jack’s words were fillin’ Ennis with a strong, sharp peace, a peace that matched the close, starry heavens. Maybe here, in the dark, they could have some more of that truth it seemed like they was both tryin’ for these days. “I want ya’ to move here, Jack.”

Jack sighed and looked up at the stars. “Agreed to let you stay. Not ta’ me comin’ here.” He turned toward Ennis. “I haven’t touched no one else this whole time.”

Ennis nodded. “Ain’t that.”

There was quiet for awhile, then Jack said, “Remember I told you I told Lureen I wanted ta’ split?”

“Um hm.”

“Glad I did it then, ‘cause it was before this whole thing with Bill came out.”

“I’ve been worried ‘bout that. They connect you?”

Jack shifted in his chair, took a swig of the beer Ennis handed him. “Nah. But Lureen – think she knows. Think she’s suspected ‘bout the damn fishin’ trips for awhile.”

“She gonna make it hard on you?”

Jack shook his head. “Nah. She’s not that way. Ennis - .”

“Yeah, bud?”

Jack’s voice was quiet. “You ever feel bad, marryin’ Alma, takin’ them years from her?”

Ennis swallowed, the guilt risin’ up ta’ choke. “All the time. Got the girls, though, so - .”

“Yeah.” Jack shifted again. “Think Bobby’s startin’ ta’ come out of the teenage phase, start talkin’ to me a little.”

“He don’t know.” Ennis kept his voice real quiet.

Jack swallowed some beer. “Nah. ‘Bout the last thing on earth a boy that age wants ta’ be thinkin’ on.”

“I’m worried ‘bout you down there, Jack.”

“Yeah, well, no good ol’ boys are comin’ for me.” He grimaced, focusin’ on pullin’ the label off the beer bottle. “The locals – even they think it went a little far. No one’s gonna be messin’ with no one for awhile down there. Here, though - .” Jack finally looked at Ennis. “Here, ‘bound ta’ happen sooner or later if two guys shack up.”

“Risk I’m willin’ ta’ take.” Ennis was amazed, him meanin’ it with every fiber of his bein’.

Jack laughed, the bitter one again. “Well, I’m not. What about Earl in that ditch, Ennis, huh?”

Ennis kept his voice low, but faced Jack. He swallowed. “You know, my daddy showed me Earl in a ditch. He didn’t show me the years they had together, Jack – all them years. A few minutes up against all them years – he mighta chose it himself – probably woulda.”

Jack shook his head. “You sayin’ that’d be worth it – tortured, drug ‘round like that?”

Ennis looked at the stars, then back to Jack. “They mighta had a sweet life. All them years.”

Ennis saw Jack’s mouth quirk in the starlight. “They mighta fought every day and hated each others’ guts, too.”

Ennis punched Jack’s shoulder. “I’m serious, Jack.”

Jack pursed his lips. “Yeah, I know. But, Ennis, what’s to say it’d work out? You wanna guarantee it? We ain’t never been together more’n ten days at a time in twenty years. I can be a real pain in the ass.”

Ennis snorted. “Tell me somethin’ I don’t already know.”

“Fuck you.” They chuckled together like the friends they was, but Jack got serious again, said, “So, can you? Guarantee it?”

Ennis grimaced. “Can’t.”

Jack raised an eyebrow.

“Can’t guarantee how it’ll be. Think I know. But can only guarantee I’ll be here, ‘less you tell me ta’ go.”

Jack sighed. “You know, Ennis, I spent a good part of my life wantin’ nothin’ but that.” He snorted. “That boy I was – he woulda left everythin’ behind, followed you to hell and back, wouldn’t o’ cared the people he left behind.”

Ennis felt the damn tears wellin’ up again, god damnit. “I know, Jack. I’m sor -.”

“Don’t want no more apologies.” Jack’s voice was hard again. “Not my point. Point is, I’m a different man than I was then. Cain’t just run off and leave my family like this. Bobby needs me, gonna be hard for him, me’n Lureen splittin’ up. Even Bill.” He looked at Ennis. “It’s not that - .”

Ennis’ hand shot to Jack’s arm, and Jack turned to look at him. “I know what it’s not. I know I killed the boy you was, Jack. I want the man you are now. However long it takes.”

Jack’s hand hovered, then came down on Ennis’, wrapped around so their fingers were laced. He brought Ennis’ hand to his mouth, kissed it, said, “Let’s go to bed. We both have long days tomorrow.”

They cleaned up in silence, silence like old friends or long-time lovers, then brushed their teeth together, Jack shovin’ Ennis out of the way so he could see better and Ennis shovin’ him back, knowin’ Jack was tryin’ to lighten the mood. Damned if it didn’t feel like one of their last nights, all them last nights from all their trips over all them years.

When Ennis walked in the bedroom, Jack was on him, shovin’ him down on the bed and workin’ on his shirt buttons. When Ennis moved ta’ help, Jack swatted his hands away, said, “Let me, my turn,” so Ennis let him.

The little lamp he’d turned on before Jack came was still on, castin’ a nice glow ‘cross the bed, and Jack looked nineteen again in the golden light, nineteen and smilin’ like he was openin’ the finest package Christmas could give him.

Ennis was struck dumb like he’d been all them years ago. Jack was openin’ his buttons and lickin’ down his skin as he got them open, pausin’ to mouth the scars as marked time passin’ by. That one, under his arm, from a baler when he was ten. That one, on his chest, from the mare he’n Alma’d had. And another, new, from the damn fence wire, Jack spendin’ most of his time on it, layin’ his tongue flat on it, then flickin’ ‘round the edges. Mappin’ the toll of years on Ennis’ body, the scars as matched the ones inside that only Jack knew of.

By the time Jack’s tongue painted a stripe along the vein in his dick, Ennis was archin’ into that mouth, flyin’ through some mountain’s sky. He threaded his fingers soft through Jack’s hair, wantin’ to connect, touch, as many places as they could.

After a little time, heat buildin’ fast in his belly, Ennis gasped out, “Jack,” scrabbled to pull him up, wantin’ to see, wantin’ Jack to see. Jack looked at him strange, tryin’ ta get his cock back in his mouth, and Ennis gasped out, “Up here. Want you up here.”

Jack came up into his arms like quicksilver and they were kissin’, Ennis wrappin’ him like the precious gift he was, wantin’ all their skin touchin’. Jack whispered, “What d’you want?” into Ennis’ mouth, and Ennis said, “Anythin’, anythin’ Jack,” wrappin’ his hand ‘round Jack, matchin’ the movement of his hand to the movement of his tongue in Jack’s mouth.

“Me, too,” Jack breathed. “Anything,” wrappin’ his fist ‘round Ennis’ cock.

“Want to see you,” Ennis whispered, and Jack whispered, “Like this then,” cuppin’ Ennis’ face and starin’ into his eyes, pushin’ his dick hard into Ennis. Ennis gasped and thrust back, shiverin’ at Jack’s shudder.

Then they was kissin’, tongues dancin’ in each others’ mouths, and Ennis wrapped his hand ‘round both their dicks ta’ make ‘em press together better. Ennis gasped again when Jack’s hand joined his in the heated slide. Their legs was tanglin’ together like their mouths, and the heat was gatherin’ in his belly.

Jack moaned and pulled back, whispered harsh, “Lookin’ at each other.”

Ennis’ eyes flew open, ‘cause he knew that was Jack’s soul callin’ out to his. He was lookin’ straight into Jack’s eyes, and he’d be damned if he’d stop. He whispered back, “Yes,” and Jack shuddered again, beautiful in Ennis’ arms.

The shudderin’ was in Ennis now, too, and Jack’s eyes were dark coals. A surge of tenderness flooded Ennis, seein’ Jack layin’ himself open like this, trustin’ despite everything. The tenderness mixed with the heat in his belly and shoved him to the brink. “Jack, I’m gonna - . Jack, now.”

Jack smiled, shuddered one last time and came, the same moment as Ennis. They stared into each others’ eyes for the infinite moment, and then they was kissin’ again, and as far as Ennis was concerned, they could kiss like this forever, their come coatin’ their interlaced fingers, their hearts beatin’ fast together, their mouths joined.

But the kisses eventually slowed, then stopped, turnin’ to breathin’ in time. Jack whispered, “I wanna find out about the girls, my momma, the spread, but - .” Jack’s eyelids were flutterin’ closed, and Ennis murmured, “Sleep, Jack.”

Ennis meant to get up, do some paperwork, but he was more tired than he thought, and his own lids kept closin’. And really, what could be more important than this, lyin’ with his man, keepin’ him safe in the night.

He woke to the sound of Jack pullin’ on clothes and boots, faint silver from the windows showin’ dawn was comin’ soon. He reached out to where Jack was sittin’ on the side of the bed a little hunched, put his hand on Jack’s back ta’ feel the livin’ warmth under the shirt. Jack stiffened, then relaxed under his hand. He sighed. “I gotta go. I’ll come back ta’ visit soon’s I can.”

Ennis’d known this was comin’, but knowin’ didn’t make it easier. He cleared his throat. “You do that. And stay safe down there.”

Jack nodded, back still ta’ Ennis, then turned to look at him over his shoulder. “Can we just say goodbye here? I can’t - .” He pressed his lips together.

Ennis nodded, moved his hand up to Jack’s shoulder to pull him toward him. Their mouths touched, a gentle kiss, and Ennis closed his eyes to try to keep the loneliness at bay for another minute.

Jack pulled off and got up, silent, and this was harder than all them times after all them trips, ‘cause Jack’d been here and his, and now he was leavin’ again.

Ennis saw Jack pause, silhouetted in the doorway, hand on the frame. “Don’t give up on me, Ennis.” His voice was the barest murmur.

All the lessons of these many months rose up in Ennis, filled him with calm strength. “Never, Jack.” The certainty in his voice surprised him. Musta surprised Jack, too, ‘cause he turned and shot Ennis one of them blindin’ smiles. He started to say somethin’, stopped, then said, “I love this house.” He took a step, shot back over his shoulder, “Especially the bed.”

Ennis heard his laughter follow him down the hall and into the living room. Heard Jack bitchin’ on out the front door ‘bout fuckin’ freezin’ campin’ trips and hard ground. It felt like that bitchin’, and his own answerin’ laughter, was soakin’ into the walls and floors, tryin’ to make this house a home.

The days after Jack left was hard, him hurtin’ like he always had when they was parted. But there was a new warmth inside him, too, from hearin’ them words from Jack, knowin’ what it’d cost Jack to say ‘em after so many years.

Time flew now, September fillin’ his days with harvest, winterin’, all the jobs as needed ta’ be done before the harsh winter hit. The girls would be comin’ again in a coupla weeks for their Break, so Ennis worked doubly hard so he’d have time when they was here.

He caught himself time and again driftin’ off in his thoughts, kept wrenchin’ himself back. He was worried, bone-deep, about Jack. He’d called ta’ say he was back safe, workin’ out details with Lureen. He’d swore there wasn’t no danger to him, but Ennis couldn’t help but feel a cold pall of dread thinkin’ of him down there, all alone, shuttlin’ between Bill and home and work.

And Jack still sounded – tired. He tried ta’ sound fine, but Ennis could hear the exhaustion, the sadness, the lingerin’ bitterness, behind Jack’s voice. Most of all, Jack sounded alone.

Jack didn’t want ta’ talk ‘bout movin’ to Lightnin’ Flat, so Ennis didn’t push it. But shit, Ennis kept wakin’ in the night, pantin’, tears from his nightmare dryin’ on his face. And now Jack wasn’t killed, but locked in some kinda room, all alone. Days and nights and days of loneliness, Jack turnin’ old before Ennis’ eyes in the dream. Jack’s eyes were like pits, and he cried every day, cried every night, soul-deep alone.

Why the fuck hadn’t the damn nightmares stopped? Hadn’t he done everythin’ he could ta’ bring Jack here? Hadn’t he done and said things as would shame him if he thought too long on them, to try ta’ bring Jack home?

“Ennis?” Lisa’s voice, cuttin’ into his thoughts. “Ennis, where have you been? I’ve asked you the same question three times.”

He took a harsh breath. They was in the barn, attendin’ to a sick heifer. “Sorry.” His voice came out strangled.

Lisa looked at Ennis, searchin’. “What’s wrong?”

Ennis looked at his feet, scuffed in the hay. “Jack. He - .”

Lisa sighed. “Is he in trouble?”

The last thing Ennis ever thought he’d be doin’ was sharin’ his own personal business with some woman, but Lisa’d shared stuff with him, and she wasn’t no one ta’ bring it back on him if he talked a little. “Not exactly. But he’s pretty messed up. I don’t know what to do to help him.”

Lisa reached into that heifer, felt ‘round, moved her strong hands deep inside that cow. “What helped you?”

“Whut?” Ennis stared at her.

“What helped you? What helped you when you were hurting so bad?”

Ennis took a deep breath ta’ stop the well of feelin’ from breakin’ out. When he’d first come here, he’d been hurtin’, hurtin’ a lot, needin’ strength, and them girls had given him somethin’ powerful ta’ help. Maybe he did know what to do after all. He nodded slow. “Thank you.” His voice was gruff.

She nodded. She was real good at hearin’ unspoken words, a blessin’ in a friend and that was the truth.

That night, Ennis let himself sit, sit with no other reason than ta’ think. He was on the back porch, the chill in the night air remindin’ him that autumn was here. The stars was out again, sendin’ their light ‘cross millions of miles. Moon wasn’t due to rise for another few hours.

They said when you looked at the stars, you was lookin’ back in time, strange as that thought was. But the world was strange, and not everything could be explained in a way that made rational sense.

Maybe what happened to people was the same – mysterious. But maybe there was times, special times, when you had the power to change fate. But if you didn’t, if you didn’t seize them moments, fate would grab hold and drag you, inexorable, toward a finish. What if there was a time when it wouldn’t do no good to want to rewrite the past, no good to say sorry? What if some fates was so powerful, it’d take somethin’ big ta’ change them, move things out o’ their path just the fraction needed? And if you waited too long, hesitated at the critical time, your path was laid out in front of you, certain as death.

Seemed like superstition, but Ennis felt it somewhere deep in his bones; he’d used up all his chances, save maybe this one last one. He thought of Jack and the way he’d looked most of the time he’d been here - exhausted, sad, bitter. But Jack was still there underneath – he’d seen it, he’d felt it. Same laughin’ boy as’d made his head swim all them years ago.

Ennis’d never been a man ta’ fight the world, never been a man ta’ fight his fate. Always let things happen ta’ him. But it didn’t take no high school education ta’ see his nightmares were a warning. The last one. Some things was worth fightin’ for. Some moments shouldn’t be squandered. Some things shouldn’t be stood, but fought against.

He pulled the verses out of his pocket – them verses that spoke of lovers and yearnin’ hearts, them verses as had seen him through so much. Jack’d probably laugh, seein’ Ennis del Mar brought to this, havin’ such a girlish thing ta’ give. His heart pounded, thinkin’ on what it would mean should Jack Twist come to know Ennis’ most secret heart. The shame of it, him carryin’ around a poem like somebody who was weak.

But really, Jack’d seen through to his heart twenty years ago, hadn’t he? Wouldn’t exactly be news ta’ him to see clear how Ennis thought on him. He’d already said the word love, once when Jack probably could hardly hear it, not straight out exactly, but still, he’d said it, back in that cabin in Texas. And once on the phone direct as day, right here in Lightnin’ Flat. Jack knew – and he’d probably always known. So if this scrap of paper, stained from Ennis’ hand, wrinkled from his pocket, could make a difference? Give Jack back a little of the gifts he’d given Ennis? Then shame didn’t have no place in the equation, ‘cause Jack was at stake.

Ennis closed his eyes, thought of the gifts Jack’d given him over the years – laughter and friendship, passion and flowers.

He had the verses memorized now, but he opened his eyes and looked at the paper in the dim light coming to the porch through the slidin’ window. He could still see the words clear, though the paper was wrinkled and stained. He couldn’t help it; he read the first part ta’ himself again.

 

By night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth: I  
sought him, but I found him not.

I will rise now, and go about the city in the streets,  
and in the broad ways I will seek him whom my soul  
loveth: I sought him, but I found him not.

The watchmen that go about the city found me: to whom I  
said, Saw ye him whom my soul loveth?

It was but a little that I passed from them, but I found  
him whom my soul loveth: I held him, and would not let  
him go, until I had brought him into my mother's house,  
and into the chamber of her that conceived me.

Ennis shivered, pushed up sudden from the chair, went inside and wrote an envelope with the post office box address Jack’d told him about, the one no one else used. He folded them verses and put them in the envelope, found a stamp. The clock over the mantel said eleven at night, but he grabbed his keys, drove ta’ the little postal station in Lightnin’ Flat.

He stood by the mail slot, envelope in hand. Jack knew already, knew how Ennis felt on him. But sharin’ these fancy words, words about souls? Scared Ennis ta’ death. He was gay and he was sendin’ fuckin’ poetry ta’ his man. Poetry that talked of souls lovin’. Ennis’ soul lovin’ Jack’s. Holy fuck, it made him sick. But sick like the terror of breakin’ a stallion bred for power. Sick like the joy as sung through your veins when the horse under you galloped free. Sick like the time on Brokeback, all them years ago, when he’d gone into the tent ta’ Jack, hat in hand, offerin’ his body and, it turned out, his soul, too.

Ennis took a breath, and put the envelope through the slot, just like he’d put them postcards through mail slots for twenty years. Just like Jack had sent that first card, reachin’ out ta’ Ennis over four years’ time and a thousand miles.

He was still lookin’ for Jack, lookin’ to bring him home, and if it could make a difference, him sendin’ love words through the U.S. fuckin’ Postal Service, then that was what he was gonna do.

 

 

 

Ennis shifted quietly in his seat, tryin’ not to make any noise. Clock on the wall showed there was still twenty minutes left, and his leg was almost asleep. That was what he got, he guessed, for bein’ such a damn fool. Fool on all counts, that’s sure how he felt right now.

Least Bonnie hadn’t lied ‘bout this place. Matt, who he’d met at the class break, was older’n him by a long shot, a retired long-haul trucker almost finished with a six-year plan ta’ finish his G.E.D. Jenny, sittin’ next ta’ him and scrawlin’ notes real fast off the teacher’s talk, was a mom ‘bout Ennis’s age, just startin’ out trying to make up for leavin’ high school after sophomore. Some of the people in the desks surroundin’ him were kids, sure, but lots of folks was older, too.

Still, he felt like a damn fool, sittin’ in one of them desks like they had at schools, ‘cause Crook Community College didn’t have no real buildin’ in Gillette, just took some space from the high school, nights. He remembered these damn desks, not bein’ able ta’ get comfortable even when he was a freshman at Riverton High, his knees hittin’ on the desk bottom, his ass too scrawny to sit comfortable in the hard seats. Hadn’t been too comfortable, neither, with them teachers and students, feelin’ like their eyes was always on him, thinkin’ he was stupid, what was he doin’ there, should be out workin’ in the dirt or worse.

This place did seem different from regular high school, he had to admit that, with the teacher a nice lady as made things real clear, and seemed ta’ value the opinions of the folks in the class. ‘Course Ennis hadn’t said nothin’, comin’ in at the last minute like that, hardly knowin’ what the class even was, not that he planned on ever sayin’ anything, regardless.

Seemed most of the class had already read a ways into the first book they was readin’, To Kill A Mockingbird, but the teacher hadn’t batted an eye when he came in at the last minute, just said he could read double for next time. Apparently, from what he gathered, the book unfortunately didn’t have nothin’ much to do with shootin’ birds, but was somethin’ ‘bout black folks in the South. At any rate, ‘cause they met only one night a week, he’d have to read a fair chunk of the book by next time, if he kept doin’ this dang fool thing. Which wasn’t damn likely.

He shifted again, tryin’ to get some life back into his legs. It was what he deserved, sittin’ at this crap desk, barely able to hold his eyelids open. Hell, only reason he was here was bein’ an idiot. Bein’ an idiot twice over. More than that. But he wasn’t goin’ to think about it, not now. Mrs. Miller was sayin’ somethin’ ‘bout writin’ a piece for next week, somethin’ on the girl, Scout. What a strange name for a girl, not pretty like his own girls’ names. Still, sounded from what people were sayin’ that she had spirit, a thought that put him in mind of Francie.

He wrote what the teacher wrote on the board for the assignment, one for readin’ and one for writin’, in the notebook Bonnie’d thrust into his hands when they’d split up, though he doubted he’d be needin’ it, seein’ as how he doubted he’d be back. Still, after bein’ such a fool, maybe he deserved this, and there was the money to think about, since he’d already laid down some bills to register. Weighed on him heavy to spend Jack’s money on such a fool thing – weighed on him heavy to take his money at all, truth be known. But now it was spent, felt even more wasteful to walk away.

There was also John Twist’s face to think about. Man had just sneered when he found out where Ennis was goin’, said nasty, “You, in school. Right. That’ll last about a day!” He’d laughed right in Ennis’s face, and though Ennis agreed with him, it had fueled some stubborn part of himself inside, seein’ the scorn comin’ off of Twist. He’d gritted out, “I ain’t a quitter,” then slid into the cab of Bonnie’s truck. Last thing he saw was Twist’s grinnin’ face. Sure made him want to prove him wrong.

Mrs. Miller – Mary, she’d said to call her – wasn’t half bad, either, talkin’ kinda lively and not never callin’ on folks as didn’t want to talk. Plenty of folks did want ta’ say stuff, though, and that was just fine. Some of the kids in class were pretty smart seemin’, too. One gal with a stripe of pink in her hair had lots to say ‘bout discrimination and all that, and a young guy with some punk hairdo seemed ta’ know a lot ‘bout the gal as wrote the book. No one was askin’ Ennis’s opinion, but he thought the whole thing had gone a bit far, them blacks and others wantin’ special treatment and all. But treatin’ a guy bad just ‘cause of what his skin looked like? And all the guy wanted was ta’ make an honest livin’, live quiet? Set off somethin’ strong inside him. Wasn’t right.

‘Course, the ridiculous thing was why he was here in the first place, but he could beat himself up for that later. Now, he needed to finish writin’ the damn assignment down.

Later that night, after the long drive back from Gillette, when he’d surprised himself by talkin’ with Bonnie a bit ‘bout how it used to be in the South, other places too, he found himself saggin’ against the barn door after finishin’ off his evenin’ rounds. Felt like he could sleep right here, leanin’ up like this. Sleep on his feet like a horse.

Huh. Jack, a warm weight swayin’ in front of him, Ennis nuzzlin’ at his neck, scent unique to Jack fightin’ with the smell of wood smoke and horse.

Stop. He banged his forehead against the barn door. Shit, he’d been doin’ it again, driftin’ off, moonin’ on Jack like a high school girl. He let his head fall forward and rest a second, then pushed up. Weren’t no two ways about it – he was exhausted, bone-deep tired. Couldn’t help but be, with the hours he was keeping. He turned his wrist to see – yep, almost midnight. Ridiculous hour for a rancher to be up till, and his alarm was ringin’ extra early these days.

He sighed and locked the barn for the night, trudged up the lonesome hill ta’ the house. He’d left a light burnin’ in the kitchen, and its warmth cast a glow out into the night far beyond what seemed possible. Almost could imagine someone was there, waitin’ up for him, keepin’ supper warm or fixin’ a cup of coffee.

Damn. He wasn’t goin’ to think this way. He wasn’t goin’ to think at all. Just fall into bed, then rise in a few hours ta’ the alarm, let exhaustion keep his mind clear of all thoughts but work.

It worked fine tonight, too, through a quick-stuffed snack of cold cuts and a Bud to wash it down, him feelin’ hungry again though he and Bonnie’d grabbed a burger at six from a drive-through in Gillette as they’d raced into town at the last minute.

It worked fine - shower, teeth, fallin’ into the soft bed, the hard fall into sleep.

It was washin’ up in the mornin’ – what was passin’ for mornin’ these days – that tripped him up. ‘Cause suddenly, soapin’ up in the pre-dawn light for shavin’, there was his hands right in front of him. Dirt under the nails still, calloused and rough. A workman’s hands.

Shit. There it was, the picture clear in his mind – those hands, foldin’ a poem, a fuckin’ poem and sendin’ it off ta’ his - his lover. Fuck, embarrassin’ enough if it was a woman he was sendin’ poetry to like that. But a man - . How fuckin’ queer could he get? Ennis fisted his hands, clenched ‘em. Poetry. He could wish it was just poetry. More like a fuckin’ prayer, a love song, a weddin’ poem. Fuck! His fist crashed into the medicine cabinet mirror. What kind of asshole folds a poem, the sweetest god damned love poem ever wrote, and sends it in the U.S. Mail ta’ his friend? Jesus. And maybe worse, what kind of asshole is such a pussy he can’t even deal with what he did, makes excuses ta’ not be around in case the phone rings?

He shivered, watchin’ faint speckles of blood slip slow from his fist, the mirror splintered in spidery lines under his hand. He shut his eyes against the sight, took a hard breath to stop all thoughts. He could still feel shame, thuddin’ in the throb of his hand, but he had the strength back ta’ tamp down all thoughts, call nothin’ to mind but: Hour before dawn, cows needin’ milkin’, get out of the house.

Shruggin’ his shoulders against the cold, walkin’ down the road to the main place, he hardly felt a thing when he heard, faint behind the house’s front door in back of him, the sound of the phone ringin’. He walked faster, away from the house, knowin’ even as he did that it just showed how weak he really was.

The phone seemed to keep ringin’ forever, the ring followin’ him down the hill towards the barn, mockin’ him for the verse, and what he was doin’ right now.

Shit, was the man never goin’ to hang up? Finally, what musta been twenty rings later, the sound stopped, or maybe he just got too far away to hear it. Good thing he hadn’t bought one of them answerin’ machines like folks was talkin’ about. He could imagine real clear what type of message Jack’d be leavin’, and that weren’t no lie. “Pussy” didn’t begin to cover it.

One thing was sure. Four thirty in the a.m. was too late now. Tomorrow he’d have to get out of there by four. He supposed he could just stay there in the house, ignore the phone as it rang, but somehow that felt wrong. Wronger. Worse wrong than what he was already doin’. Like, punishin’ himself by gettin’ out of the house for more and more hours made up for not facin’ Jack. Facin’ himself, the thing he’d done, sendin’ that fuckin’ thing spur of the moment like that. Fuck. Was Jack even now readin’ ‘bout souls reachin’ out for each other, souls lovin’? Jack wasn’t much fer fancy words. Maybe Jack’d think Ennis’d cracked. Maybe Jack wanted more of a man’s man, like what he used ta’ be, not some spineless wimp as sent poetry like that. Fuck.

Spineless, that’s what he was, but that’s how he was made and there wasn’t nothin’ to be done about it. He shrugged his collar up ‘round his ears. Bit of fall in the mornin’ breeze today. No more time for thinkin’ – there was work to do.

And work he did, nights and days blendin’ together, broken up only by tryin’ to make his way through that damn book. Couldn’t say he understood a lot of it, but after fallin’ asleep night after night when he tried to read in bed, he’d taken to carryin’ it around and readin’ a bit whenever there was some brief pause in what he was doin’. Slowly, he was beginnin’ to get the picture on this Scout, a girl as definitely reminded him of Francie, or Jack. She had spirit, and was smart, and he liked that, though she did need some lessons in manners. He didn’t imagine his thoughts on the matter was what the teacher was lookin’ for, but he did painstakingly write some lines describin’ her “character,” a word as meant what the person was like, just in case he went again. Lookin’ at his messy writin’, he felt shame writhin’ a bit in his gut – the teacher probably wouldn’t believe someone as stupid as him was even in her class.

When it came on Wednesday again, since he hadn’t called Bonnie to tell her not to come, bein’ so exhausted he couldn’t think straight, he figured it’d be impolite not to go, so he climbed in when she came ‘round for him. Joe’d already planned for it, switchin’ schedules around so Wednesday nights was covered, anyway. Bonnie’d taken one look at him and said, “Sleep. I’ll wake you up before we get there.” Couldn’t believe he’d done it, sleepin’ in front of folks not somethin’ he usually approved of, but he let himself curl into the door, and didn’t wake up till she shook him gently, a few miles outside of Gillette. A cup of coffee grabbed with their usual burger, and he felt pretty damn good.

In class, he had some thoughts on what that damn punk boy, hair in some strange city cut, was sayin’ ‘bout the dad in the story, the lawyer. Seemed ta’ be sayin’ he was a bad father, and Ennis had some strong thoughts on that. Seemed ta’ let his kids be themselves, seemed ta’ understand he shouldn’t fight their nature, fact John Twist and hell, Ennis’s own father, hadn’t exactly figured out. Had a thought, though. Wondered if he’d had a boy, if that woulda been harder. Maybe havin’ only girls had been a blessin’, ‘cause he had a sort of sickenin’ idea of the kinds of rules he mighta put on a boy ‘bout how to be.

Drivin’ back, Bonnie havin’ taken him up on the offer to drive, Ennis ventured ta’ ask her ‘bout her kids. She was quiet for a while, then shook her head.

Ennis mumbled, “You don’t got to talk about it, just askin’.”

Bonnie sighed. “I appreciate it Ennis, I do. My ex is sayin’ I ain’t gettin’ the kids for visits no more. ‘Cause of me and Lisa, livin’ in sin and all, pervertin’ what God intended, all that. Same ol’ story.”

Ennis grunted.

“Thing is, I think it’s that bitch of a wife he’s got - pardon my French - not him, really. I mean – that’s how he started out, but the past few years have been better – he started lettin’ me have ‘em holidays and summers. Till now.”

Ennis glanced over at her. “You think it’s her.”

She nodded. “Yeah. He’s not a bad guy, really. I hurt him, Ennis, hurt him bad. Time was - .” She stopped, spent some time lookin’ at the dark barren prairie. “Time was he really loved me, more or less. But I was tryin’ ta’ have it both ways, ‘cause I was so god damned afraid of losin’ the kids. Bein’ different. Hurt him bad. His pride, too. But after the first coupla years, he got over it a little. He could see it was hurtin’ the kids ta’ not know their momma. He kinda figured out I didn’t mean t’humiliate him or nothin’.”

Ennis thought about Alma, and their young selves, so innocent. “Yeah. Know what you mean. You run around on him?”

He could see Bonnie’s wince out of the corners of his eyes. “Yeah. Yeah, I did. Lisa moved back there, ta’ Bozeman, got an apartment. Got a job assistin’ a vet. I’d met her there, ya’ know – when I worked at M.S.U. as a secretary, before I had kids.” Ennis heard the quirk in her voice when she said “secretary,” could feel her eyes rollin’ though he couldn’t see it, thinkin’ back on her younger self doin’ a job like that. It was hard ta’ picture Bonnie, who usually wasn’t far from some tool or elbow grease, answerin’ phones and takin’ dictation.

She sighed. “So yeah, after she moved back, I - . Well, you can imagine.”

His nod was automatic. Fer sure, he could imagine – the lies, the sneakin’.

“He found out, o’ course. Wasn’t pretty, I can tell you that.”

Ennis focused on the road, made a sound in his throat – he hoped an encouragin’ one.

“A mess, the whole thing.” Bonnie shook her head. “I thought I’d at least get half custody, I’m the mother and all, but that good ol’ boy judge, he done slammed me somethin’ fierce, gave my ex all the legal rights. Roy was so angry, he pulled out all the stops. Still, he gave me a choice, and I - .” Bonnie’s voice caught, and there were a few more minutes quiet.

She started talkin’ again, real quiet. “He said if I gave it up, stayed with him, he wouldn’t leave me, wouldn’t take them away from me. Long as I got back to the perfect little wife, the one he’d married. Didn’t want me doin’ no work, neither, after we started havin’ kids - shamed him bad if I tried ta’ lift a hammer or make a buck. He wanted that little Baptist gal straight off the prairie.” Bonnie sat up taller, looked over at Ennis, her voice risin’. “I didn’t know, Ennis, I didn’t know when I married him that I was like this – I’d never even heard of it, thought it was just me needin’ ta’ settle down, I wouldn’t of - .” Bonnie stopped, took a deep breath.

A powerful yearnin’ to say the right thing rose up in Ennis. He’d felt that before, plenty of times, when someone said somethin’ from their heart ‘bout their life to him. Made him want to curl right into himself, but also, made him want to offer somethin’, some comfort. But he was always afraid he’d do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, look like a fool.

But here was Bonnie, as had helped him so much, hurtin’. He cleared his throat, focused his eyes on the dark highway. “Sometimes - .” He stopped, gathered his will. “It ain’t your fault. Ain’t your fault you were born the way you was. Ain’t your fault the world is how it is, you couldn’t know, you married the guy like you was supposed to.”

Bonnie shifted up in the seat, turned and looked over at Ennis. He glanced over quick. He’d never seen Bonnie like this, and her eyes were bright in the faint light that filtered into the car from the headlights. Maybe wet. He had t’admit, it didn’t go down easy with him, the idea of a woman leavin’ her kids. Not easy at all. But he could see how it mighta gotten to a point where she couldn’t stand it no more.

Why was the world so fuckin’ screwed up, anyway? “Weren’t yer fault.”

Bonnie leaned over against the window. “I miss them every day, Ennis? You know?” Her voice came quieter. “But I needed Lisa so bad. I done wrong by my kids, but how could I stay?” Her voice sounded thick.

Ennis thought a bit, wanted ta’ offer her something. “If you stayed, what kind of momma would you be to them? Ain’t no good choices.” Thinkin’ on his girls, Ennis had another thought. If some man tried ta’ tame Francie like that, he’d have a few thoughts on the subject, fer sure. “Yer girl, you woulda wanted her ta’ see you like that? The wife he wanted?”

Bonnie breathed out hard. “You amaze me sometimes, Ennis del Mar. Know you probably don’t approve much of the whole thing anyway. But no, yer right, wouldn’t want her ta’ see that.” She got more steel in her voice. “Not my boys neither.” She shifted in the seat. “But they’re innocent. My children Ennis, and I coulda stayed, and I didn’t. Couldn’t.” Ennis could tell she beat herself up all the time about it, just from the defeated sound of her voice.

Ennis felt stuff wellin’ up inside of him that he didn’t like to think on, all them years of shovin’ down his true yearnin’s. What the hell. He swallowed. “But stayin’ -. Takes somethin’ out of you, livin’ like that. You can’t get back the times from when you don’t go with your - . When you don’t listen ta’ yer heart. Not never.” The truth of what he was sayin’ hit him hard, square in the belly.

Bonnie was starin’ at him now. “Yeah?”

He nodded, keepin’ his eyes tight on the road, ‘cause this was a tricky part, curvin’ up like it did to the higher plateau.

They drove in silence for a bit, then Bonnie said, quiet, “Still, my fault I left them.”

Some hard rage Ennis hadn’t let his thoughts fully form ‘round till now gathered up tight, came out harsh. “It’s the fuckin’ law’s fault that it has to be a choice like that. Fuckin’ world’s fault people like us have ta’ live the way we do.”

Bonnie whistled, low. “Still waters. Thank you for that, Ennis. Think I’ll rest a bit, if that’s alright with you.”

Ennis just nodded, figurin’ Bonnie needed some time, and he stared out at the road, only visible piece the pavement right in front of the truck, there not bein’ no street lamps out here in God’s country. He bet if he stopped the car and turned off the lights, he could see the Milky Way, same as he and Jack had gazed on so many times.

After a bit, Bonnie fell into a light doze, her head fallin’ gentle against the door. Seemed they both had reasons to be tired.

Drivin’ a long road like this put Ennis in mind of Jack, seein’ as how he drove all them long miles all those years. And seein’ how he needed ta’ make that trip again soon. Ennis felt the longin’ rise up strong, drivin’ this long road, Wyomin’ spread out like a dark blanket under the starry heavens. Wyomin’ bein’ the place he’d met Jack, fucked Jack, laughed with Jack. Wyomin’ bein’ the place Jack was from, and hopefully would return to. Right now, he’d give anythin’ for just bein’ with Jack, havin’ it be him curled up sleepin’ next to him in the truck. He loved the screwin’ as much as any man, but nights like this, he just wanted him there, sharin’ a bad joke or talkin’ on the grazin’ situation. Sharin’ the dark starry night.

He could use someone ta’ talk to ‘bout Buck n’ Ken, too, someone who was good with people. ‘Cause they seemed ta’ have settled down pretty good, but Ennis felt some kinda churnin’ feelin’ in his stomach whenever he had ta’ deal with them. They always seemed ta’ be sharin’ some private joke, though he hadn’t caught them doin’ or sayin’ nothin’ really wrong since the time Joe’d laid into them. He’d checked in with Joe ‘bout it a coupla times, and the man just grunted, said, “They’re okay fer gettin’ the work done. Drink up a storm days off, go off makin’ trouble no doubt, but doubt if we’re gonna be able ta’ get anythin’ better this time of year.”

He had a point, six guys if you counted Twist not bein’ enough ta’ really run the place this time of year, anyway. Still, if it was his own place, he’d of maybe made up some excuse, got rid of ‘em. He didn’t fancy explainin’ nothin’ like that ta’ Twist, though. ‘Sides, he felt funny about the idea anyway, like it’d seem he was givin’ in to guys ‘cause he was weak or somethin’. He could imagine their sneers real good.

He fell into bed that night and passed straight into sleep, like he did most nights recently. He was risin’ earlier and earlier, goin’ to bed later and later, ‘cause somehow he just couldn’t stand to hear that phone ringin’. He kept goin’ to the school, figurin’ it filled in all the cracks of his time real good, plus Bonnie sure did seem like she needed the company.

The days were all jumblin’ together, and then suddenly it was the end of another week and time for the girls to come the next day, mid-October bein’ Francine’s break off school, and Junior havin’ asked for the time off ages ago. And shit, now he thought on it, how the hell was he goin’ to manage that? The girls in his house and him not answerin’ the phone – how was he goin’ to explain that to them?

“Ennis del Mar!” Evelyn’s voice came firm in his ears, and Ennis’s head jolted up to true. Sleepin’ at the Twists’ dining table again, damn. Thankfully John had left, but Evelyn’s arms were crossed over her chest, and her motherin’ face was on strong.

“Ma’am.” Ennis ducked his head a little, instinct takin’ over. She just kept starin’ at him, and he felt himself wrigglin’ like a little boy caught out bein’ bad.

When he stayed quiet, she sighed. “Ennis, I got a message fer you from Jack.”

Bolt of embarrassment shot through Ennis and he shoved his chair back ta’ stand, murmured, “Excuse me, ma’am.”

Evelyn’s glare stopped him before he could move, so he just stood, hat in hand, waitin’. “Jack says to tell you, ‘quote,’ –“ Evelyn glared harder, and Ennis knew with a sinkin’ feelin’ that Jack had used what she would call “strong language” – “Jack says tell that stubborn – “ Evelyn paused and looked ‘round the room, pained expression on her face “- that stubborn stupid man I just want to talk to him about the hired hands.”

Ennis stared at Evelyn, frozen in place. She shook her head. “He said to say ‘Fall work force,’ that’s it, so don’t be an idiot any more.”

Ennis stared at his feet, shufflin’ a little, then sighed. It was hopeless and he knew it. The sound of the Twists’ phone ringin’ in the kitchen just confirmed it. What was the point, anyway?

Evelyn nodded sharp and went to the door. “Answer the phone, Ennis. John’s gone and I’m going out. Talk to Jack, then go home n’sleep. We’re covering everything till tomorrow.”

The ringin’ kitchen phone covered the sound of her footsteps, recedin’ out of the house.

Fuck, he was so screwed.

He shuffled into the kitchen and stared at the ringin’ phone. His hand actually shook a little when he picked up the receiver. “Yep?” His voice came out weak.

“Ennis del Mar, you have got ta’ be the stupidest, orneriest, weakest excuse for a friend ever ta’ walk the earth. I ain’t gonna - .”

Ennis grimaced and held the receiver away from his ear. Jack was on one of his tears. His disembodied voice sounded tinny, but he could still make out the occasional “asshole.”

Really, it was startin’ to seem a little funny. Him a grown man, hidin’ out from a phone. He brought the receiver up close. “Jack.” Jack’s voice, high and fast like it got sometimes, kept on. “Jack!”

The voice finally stopped. There was silence, and unbidden, pictures of that poem started up in Ennis’s head, and the shame started tyin’ his tongue.

Maybe Jack sensed it, in that way he sometimes had, ‘cause he coughed, then said, “Just wanna talk ‘bout winterin’ for the stock, everythin’ else. Wanna make sure you’re not workin’ too hard, though I know you are. Worried whether you should hire some more help.”

“Now, Jack - .”

“I know you, Ennis, you’ll work yourself to death. The ranch is doin’ so much better since you came on, there’s gonna be too much work.”

Ennis felt his body relaxin’, listenin’ to Jack go on and on in that way he had ‘bout tonnage of crop and winterin’ cattle. His thoughts started driftin’ off a little. He wondered how it had been for Jack when he got the poem. When had he gone to his post office box? Had he opened it there, in the little Childress store? Had he stuffed it in a pocket, taken it home? Read it in his truck? What had he thought? Did he think Ennis was actin’ like a girl? Weak, when he wanted strong?

But wait, Jack sounded so normal. Had he got it at all? What if somethin’ had gone wrong? What if it hadn’t gotten there, or Jack hadn’t gone to the post office?

‘Cause that would mean Jack wouldn’t know, couldn’t know, how Ennis yearned on him. He might never get the verse, and never know Ennis’s heart, never understand he had ta’ get out of Childress. He might die and - .

“Ennis!” Jack’s voice, strong, through the receiver.

Ennis cleared his throat. “Yeah?”

Jack sighed, audible over the thousand miles. “You ain’t responded to nothin’ I said.”

Ennis mumbled, “Sorry.”

Jack sighed again. “Listen, Ennis, I’m tryin’ to do what I think you want me to do here. I got it wrong?”

Ennis felt a flush work its way up his neck into his face. What did he want? Suddenly, he needed to know if Jack had gotten the verse. “You – you got somethin’ from me?”

Silence, then Jack’s voice came, low over the phone line. “Yeah, I got somethin’ from you, Ennis.”

Ennis felt heat rise higher in his cheeks. Embarrassment flooded him, and yet - .

“Got somethin’ so fine, I cain’t say words for it, Ennis.”

There was silence again for a second. Ennis’s heart was racin’ in his ears. He was shamed of thinkin’ on what he’d done, what he’d sent, and yet – .

“You cain’t imagine what it was like for me, Ennis, gettin’ my mail a week ago yesterday, end of a long, fuckin’ hard day, openin’ that in my truck.” Jack paused, and his voice sounded thick. “Musta just sat there for an hour, holdin’ that slip of paper.”

Ennis couldn’t talk, picturin’ Jack, all alone down ta’ Childress, all alone after all them years, holdin’ that crumpled piece of paper.

Jack’s voice was almost a whisper. “Wasn’t anythin’ I didn’t already sorta know, down deep. But Ennis - .” Jack stopped talkin’ fer a minute, cleared his throat again. “Ah hell, this don’t work too good over a phone line. Plus, I’m still pissed at you. You didn’t answer yer fuckin’ phone!” Ennis cringed. Real annoyance crept into Jack’s voice. “Jesus, Ennis, I know you, and I was startin’ ta’ think you might cut and run, thinkin’ on havin’ actually sent that to me. Wouldn’t be the first time you ran from yerself.”

Wasn’t much to say to that, but somethin’ was required, so Ennis just mumbled, “Sorry.”

Jack sounded impatient. “S’alright. Listen, okay if I visit again? Thinkin’ on November, soon’s I kin get clear of a few things here?”

Jack, visitin’ again, so soon? Ennis felt a smile curlin’ up the corners of his mouth. Jack, here and not there, even for a few short days? Jack, here in this house, here in their house? Ennis couldn’t help it, he felt a little light-headed after all the worry. He tried to make his voice serious-soundin’. “Don’t know, Jack. Not sure you should visit again so soon. I mean, I got such a active social life here, not sure I can fit ya’ in. Maybe - .”

“Asshole!” Jack’s voice was happy, and Ennis laughed out loud. “I’ll visit you when I want, so tell all yer – dates – ta’ go fuck themselves, alright?”

Ennis chuckled. “Yeah, bud, no problem.”

Jack’s voice got more urgent. “I gotta go, Ennis, but listen – I’ll get up there for Thanksgiving, fer sure.”

“So, how many days you think?”

“Clearin’ your social calendar?”

“Yeah, asshole, I am. I got two Thanksgivin’ invites already, probably more in my mail.”

Jack chuckled, happy sound to Ennis’s ears. “Well, don’t make no plans the day before Thanksgivin’, that’s all I’ll say. Who’re the invites from?”

“Yer momma o’ course. And the girls – Bonnie and Lisa. They’re hopin’ on Bonnie’s kids visitin’ ‘round then.”

“Huh. Well, I’ll try to make it the day before. You gonna answer the fuckin’ phone in the house now?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“You’d better, asshole. I ain’t gonna be happy if you run off again like that, Ennis.”

“Yeah, alright. I know.”

“Well, I gotta go, bud.” Jack sounded – like somethin’ was botherin’ him, or he had more to say.

Ennis felt the phone near his ear like a livin’ thing, felt Jack’s presence warm and real next to him. If he closed his eyes, he could almost imagine Jack was there, breathin’ soft in his ear, and – “Jack.” His voice sounded tender and low to his own ears.

Jack’s voice sounded soft and full. “Yeah.”

“I - .” Ennis couldn’t go on, didn’t even know what he was tryin’ to say.

“S’alright, Ennis.” He heard Jack take a breath. “Better than alright. I’ll see you in November. Talk to you before that. I’ll call next week.” There was a slight pause. “On the phone in the house. Which you’re goin’ ta’ answer.”

Ennis laughed, Jack messin’ with him like that, feelin’ good enough to give him shit. Jack laughed too, then hung up.

Ennis stood there in that kitchen, holding the dead receiver in his hand, feelin’ the warm glow of Jack’s voice still in his ear, feelin’ his exhaustion, built up over all the days and nights of no sleepin’, hit like a ton of bricks.

After a quick talk with Joe, makin’ sure the evenin’ stuff was handled, Ennis stumbled up the hill towards the house and fell into bed. He had to be up early tomorrow, get everything set before goin’ into town for his girls. And shit, the house wasn’t exactly spruced up, since he hadn’t been spendin’ no time there.

Still, he felt a warm happiness threadin’ through his mind. His girls was comin’ tomorrow and Jack Twist’d be comin’ for Thanksgiving. Maybe, just maybe, Jack was bein’ drawn here, just like the two of them’d been drawn back together two or three times a year for twenty years. Maybe Jack was bein’ drawn more and more, drawn by the power of what they had. Maybe his visits would get closer and closer together till one day - . But there wasn’t no point carryin’ on with that line of thought.

He’d been a first-class idiot, duckin’ from the phone like that, but Jack’d forgave him already, he could tell from Jack makin’ fun of him. He always was good ‘bout forgivin’ Ennis – good thing, too. Ennis felt the smile curve up his lips right as he fell into sleep.

 

 

Good thing he was in a good mood in the mornin’. Charlie’d arrived back from his “coupla days” down to Gillette ta’ see the feedlot guy from California as had business there again. He was all moony or worse, sad sack face, not seemin’ ta’ hear what Ennis was sayin’ most of the time. Ennis was already tired of his sighin’ by mid-mornin’.

Still, he swung up on the roan when Charlie was headin’ out to check the northeast fence, rode along silent beside him, careful not ta’ look at Charlie’s bloodshot eyes. He thought back ta’ Jack, sittin’ pretty on that lively mare back on Brokeback, playin’ that damn fool harmonica, sayin’ he was sick of beans. He’d been over those memories so many times, seemed like he should be immune to ‘em by now, but damn if they didn’t put him back ta’ those days every time. Now that he knew what it was, the thing he’d felt, he wished sometimes he could go back, feel it all over again. ‘Cause he sure hadn’t let himself feel most of the joy of it, had he?

Lookin’ back, it seemed like he’d been half crazy that summer. He’d be playin’ and laughin’ like a boy, then he’d be sittin’ on some rock pretendin’ ta’ watch the sheep, thoughts swirlin’. He hadn’t known what’d hit him, Jack ta’ him some fine thing brought down from the sky, or sometimes, a frightenin’ presence draggin’ him down ta’ hell or worse. How could everythin’ he’d thought was wrong feel so right?

He clamped down on the thoughts as always wanted ta’ come next, thoughts of the tent, nights, and the grass-filled meadows, days. Maybe he had felt the joy of it, after all.

When they dismounted ta’ check a section of fence as looked a little funny, Ennis cleared his throat. “So, ya’ doin’ alright?”

Charlie brushed his hand over his eyes quick, looked down at his boots. “He had ta’ leave. I had ta’ come back here.” He shook his head, whispered, “I don’t think I kin stand it.”

Lookin’ out to the far horizon, away from Charlie’s sorrowful face, Ennis grunted. “What’s he sayin’?”

Charlie’s words came out all in a rush. “He feels the same. But he’s got a good job – real good – and his folks in California. Says that’s a good place ta’ be – like this.” Charlie gestured vaguely at himself. He turned, catchin’ Ennis’s eye. “I wanna go there, Ennis, he wants me to. But how can I leave my momma? She’s dependin’ on me.”

Ennis said, careful, “There’s jobs in Wyomin’.”

Charlie nodded. “Yeah, we talked ‘bout that actually. But what kinda life can guys like me n’ him have in the fuckin’ back of Wyomin’? I mean, California, Ennis!” Charlie looked out toward the west, dreamy look in his eyes. As if on cue, a bitin’ breath of east wind rattled some wire from the fence, numbed Ennis’s cheeks. After a bit, Charlie seemed ta’ realize Ennis was stuck, pretty much, livin’ in Wyomin’, said, “Oh, shit. I mean, bein’ here’d be fine and all, for folks like me. And you got a different - .” Charlie swallowed, maybe seein’ the glowerin’ as was startin’ on Ennis’s face. He wasn’t gonna talk ‘bout himself with no kid, even Charlie, that was fer damn sure.

Charlie started over. “Well, ain’t gotta decide nothin’ now, anyway. He’s comin’ again in the winter. He says if I still feel this way – then we’ll figure it out.” Charlie sniffed. “If! Ain’t no doubt what I’ll be feelin’ come winter. Summer, whatever.”

Ennis grunted. “He - . “ Ennis had ta’ swallow hard. “He treat ya’ right?”

“Oh, yeah.” Charlie waggled his eyebrows at Ennis, which he wanted nothin’ ta’ do with, though he was glad ta’ see him not so sorrowful.

“Now, see here, Charlie - .”

Charlie laughed. “I know, I know.” His smile faded quick, though, and he got that sad look again.

Ennis was torn, wantin’ ta’ say the things a good father maybe would, warn him about stuff. But then thinkin’ back on him and Jack, so hurtin’ and alone, not even able ta’ share their misery at separatin’, part of him wanted to offer comfort to the boy. What the hell. “Times have changed, some. Maybe it’ll all work out.”

“Yeah.” Charlie nodded. “Ain’t gonna let the world tell me what to do, that’s fer sure. What the hell’s wrong with the fence, anyway?” He walked over and peeled back a section of wire that’d apparently come undone from a casual loopin’, not secured tight like it should’ve been. “Damn. Thought Buck n’ Ken were watchin’ this section.”

“Supposed ta’ be,” Ennis grunted. Sudden thought occurred ta’ him. “They give you any trouble?”

Charlie shook his head. “Nah, not really. They josh with me some ‘bout gettin’ some pussy, stuff like that. Don’t bother me, I’m used ta’ it. I don’t think they know - .” He stopped himself, looked at Ennis sideways. “They don’t give me no special trouble.”

“Good. You tell me if they do, or Joe, y’hear?”

Charlie nodded, and Ennis joined him in fixin’ the fence proper. Next thing he knew, it was time ta’ head back and get ready ta’ go get the girls from the Greyhound. Standin’ at the main intersection - the only intersection - in what passed for the downtown of Lightnin’ Flat, Ennis realized somethin’ had changed since last time. This felt comfortable, familiar, not so strange. The flat stretchin’ on forever, with peaks in the distance, the coupla buildin’s stuck here at the crossin’ of two rural routes, the girls comin’ – it all seemed normal.

 

All his life before, seemed like his world had been dwindlin’ down smaller and smaller, to where everythin’ fit in that dark little trailer. The girls, and Jack, had filled his heart and mind every wakin’ second, but his life, minute by minute, had been a series of empty things – eggs, coffee, beans, horses, hay, whiskey, bed. Cassie’d tried to give him more, but since it was all a lie, he couldn’t open the door even a crack. As much as he’d loved the girls, it felt like he’d always held back. Like, he couldn’t really let himself act on that feelin’, ‘cause actin’ on one true feelin’ might lead to actin’ on another. Feelin’ anythin’ – joy or sorrow – was dangerous.

Where was the bus, anyway? Just like last time, no one else was waitin’ for it, Lightnin’ Flat not being a major destination point. Ennis shivered and pulled his coat collar tighter ‘round his neck. Winter was comin’, sure enough, and he imagined it didn’t hit much harder than here, with the wind able ta’ sweep through not blocked by nothin’. Hoped the girls’d packed lots of warm stuff, like he’d told ‘em on the phone.

And there was the bus, covered with the brown-grey dust of the prairie, whipped up good today by the wind. He felt a wellin’ up of feelin’ as they got off, Junior lookin’ every bit a woman, hair pulled back inta’ some kinda fastenin’, Francie lookin’ – lookin’ straight at Ennis, huge grin on her face, now that was a sight to – .

“Daddy!” Francie wrapped herself ‘round him, Junior lookin’ on with a little smile. Francie was wiggly and alive-feelin’, and he let his arms come ‘round her hard for a second, then reached an arm ta’ snug Junior into his side.

This time, it wasn’t so strange havin’ them here, and he felt a bit of excitement thinkin’ on Evelyn seein’ them again. He couldn’t muster no excitement for Twist, though he had ta’ admit he’d asked pretty polite about when was the girls comin’. He’d mumbled somethin’ that mornin’ ‘bout the new filly and Francine, somethin’ ‘bout King needin’ her touch, too.

Went both ways, seein’ as how he was glad for the girls ta’ have Evelyn dote on them so nice. With his folks dead and only Alma’s mother left, sorrowful and beat down by life, it was nice to see them get the kindness of a grandma, plus her playful spirit as sometimes came through. Like the dessert with dinner, which still seemed wrong ta’ him, but what’re you gonna do.

Sure enough, after they dumped their stuff at the house, the girls wanted ta’ head straight down ta’ the main house, so Ennis walked with ‘em down the path, makin’ sure they’d bundled up real good. When they got almost to the house, Evelyn came out on the porch, apron flyin’ up in the chill breeze. She said, “Oh!”, seemin’ a bit surprised at her own feelin’s, and came down the steps fast, huggin’ them girls to her like she didn’t never wanna let go. Probably how she felt on Jack, and the glad glance she gave Ennis over the girls’ heads made him know she was grateful ta’ him for this, at least.

Twist was almost talkative at dinner, dinner bein’ a fancy roast that Evelyn’d done up with all the trimmin’s, though Ennis of course had told her he could feed them perfectly fine. She’d looked at him stern, said, “Now, Ennis, you’re close on insulting me. Unless you want them to yourself? I don’t want to be selfish.” She’d looked a little embarrassed, he thought, obviously wonderin’ whether she’d presumed too much.

He mustered himself, put all his conviction in his voice, said, “Nah, I was just bein’ polite. I’d rather eat yer dinner any day.” He smiled big at her. “So would they. They’ve been buggin’ me for weeks ‘bout makin’ sure they was gonna get lots of time with you. I’m hopin’, too - .” He scuffed the gravel under his feet. “My ex says Junior done fallen in with some boy – some man at the company she works at. Junior don’t talk much, so Alma’s a little worried. I was hopin’ maybe you could talk ta’ her some, y’know, make sure she’s not doin’ nothin’ stupid?”

Evelyn smiled. “Of course, Ennis. But you should talk to her yourself. You’re her daddy.”

Ennis scuffed his feet some more in the gravel of the driveway, watchin’ burnished leaves swirlin’ on the east wind. “Not exactly my strong suit.”

Evelyn’s laughter was kind. “Girl knows you love her. That’s all that matters. Just maybe try to listen to her. Your quiet ways suit her just fine.”

He just nodded and went off ta’ the barn, but her words warmed some part of him. Did the girls know he loved them? He sure hoped so. Thought so. Pictures from that dream came on him fierce, clutchin’ those shirts, wishin’ ta’ say to Jack all them things, them things he’d never said. His girls knew, he really thought so. Called ‘em darlin’, paid his support check regular back in the day even when all he’d eaten for a week each month was beans.

Still, he wasn’t too good on talkin’ ‘bout stuff. He chuckled a little to himself, rueful, imaginin’ Jack rollin’ his eyes at that understatement. He’d try ta’ talk with Junior. That horrible dream was pretty true ‘bout that, her bein’ shocked when he used the word “love,” asked about her man, ‘cause he hadn’t never tried to have that kind of talk with either of ‘em. Talk ‘bout things as mattered.

Did his heart good watchin’ his girls over the next few days. Francie seemed ta’ become part of the horses she rode, hair flyin’ free in the crisp air, racin’ and whoopin’ whenever she got a chance. Junior, like before, spent a lot of time with Evelyn, this time finishin’ the puttin’ up of late summer and fall berries and pumpkins and stuff. The leaves on the trees, what trees there was in this part of Wyomin’, was turned to all the shades of fall, painting startlin’ hues of reds and oranges, yellows too, against the brown-grey of the land.

He wasn’t gonna say nothin’ about Wednesday nights, figurin’ it was his chance to quit the whole silly school thing, but Tuesday evenin’, sittin’ in the house’s livin’ room together, Junior doin’ some sewin’ and him doin’ some readin’, Junior’d noticed what book he had in his hands.

“Yer readin’ ‘To Kill a Mockingbird,’ Daddy?” Her eyes was warm. “I read that in English. You like it?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Kinda slow at first, but it’s got a lot goin’ on. You?”

“Yeah, you bet. Same fer me.” She laughed. “When Mrs. Kingston assigned it, I hated it at first, all the kids did. But then I seen what it was about, I think.” She stopped her sewin’ for a minute, looked up at him gentle. “’Bout bein’ brave, I think. And people doing wrong by others. One person makin’ a difference. How far are you?”

Ennis adjusted his glasses, thought for a minute. “Just past where them white folks want to string that Tom guy up, and Atticus is tryin’ to stop ‘em. Then Scout, you remember? His girl? She asks that leader guy all polite ‘bout his kid, and he changes his mind, leaves. Saves him.”

Junior nodded. “Lots of good stuff left to come, too. Sad stuff, too.” She sighed. “They sure had spirit. Doubt if I’d ever have the courage to stand up to nothin’ like that. People really did stuff like that, too.”

“Sure did. Mrs. Miller told us it’s based on a real thing as happened.” He realized his tongue had slipped when she looked up from her sewin’, sharp.

“What do you mean – who’s Mrs. Miller?”

He shrugged. “Oh, I just tried this school thing a little.”

Junior put the sewin’ down on her lap, gave him a wonderin’ look. “You what? Daddy, that’s wonderful!”

“Now, it ain’t no big thing. Just tried this G.E.D. thing to see what it was like, that’s all. Ain’t plannin’ to do it any more. I wasn’t meant for no schoolin’.”

Junior narrowed her eyes. “Now listen to me, Daddy, you gotta tell me all about this, ‘cause Francie and me – well, we been thinkin’ for a long time how you should go back to school, but we couldn’t figure out how to get you to do it.”

“Me?” Ennis’s mouth might be hangin’ open.

“You bet.” Junior nodded. “You’re a smart person, readin’ the paper like you sometimes do, readin’ them mysteries and such. You know a lot about horses and farmin’ and a whole ton of things. Never seemed right you couldn’t finish high school.”

Ennis made a show of polishin’ his glasses on his shirt, sudden clog in his throat makin’ him want to look down. He couldn’t figure why her sayin’ that seemed to touch somethin’ inside him. After a minute, he managed, “Didn’t know you thought nothin’ about it.”

“Sure we do. You’re our daddy. Want ya’ to be happy.”

The simple love in her voice, ‘cause that’s what it was, no doubt – he could see them things clearer now – made his eyes sting a little.

“So, when’re you going to this school? Tell me all about it.”

Shocked him, but he found himself doin’ just that, fillin’ her in on the schedule, the drivin’ with Bonnie, the class and the students in there with him. She told him wasn’t no way he wasn’t goin’ and that was final, so womanly he finally had to give in. “Works out good anyway,” she added, “since we need to spend some time with Mrs. Twist. She’s gonna teach Francie and me some quiltin’ and stuff.”

Ennis chuckled. “Yer sister’s gonna do quiltin’?”

Junior nodded. “We made a deal.” She grinned at Ennis. “Francie’s gotta spend the time with Mrs. Twist and me doin’ that, and I gotta muck out the stable and such with her and Mr. Twist.”

“Seems to me you got the worse of that deal,” Ennis mumbled, knowin’ he shouldn’t be teachin’ that kind of disrespect, but not able to help himself.

Junior smiled big at him. “For Francie, sittin’ with a needle’s gotta be the worst torture she can imagine.”

“True enough,” he managed. Maybe this was a good time to try the talkin’ thing, Francie bein’ out late with Twist. “Your momma tells me you’re seein’ a boy.”

She looked down at her lap, started up sewin’ again. “Name’s Darren. Works for E&I, where I work, you know?”

“Mm. What’s he do?”

Her voice was soft. “Construction. He’s real smart, knows a lot ‘bout electrical.”

Ennis nodded. Could do a lot worse than that. In his dream, it’d been a roughneck, not exactly a daddy’s dream for his daughter. “He good to you?”

She put the sewin’ down in her lap again. “He sure is.” She had one of them fool dreamy smiles on her face now. Between Charlie and her he was surrounded. But this was worse, and better, ‘cause this was his daughter. “Treats me real good. He - .” She blushed a little. “He brings me flowers and such.”

His heart squeezed, thinkin’ on a paper sack, brimmin’ with wildflowers, spillin’ out in his trailer, a gift from the heart.

“Daddy?” Junior was watchin’ him, searchin’ look on her face.

He cleared his throat. “You serious ‘bout him?”

She nodded. “Yeah. Had some boyfriends in high school, you know, but – just was different. Him’n me, we’ve got – somethin’ special. We talk a lot. He’s quiet, too, but he takes me dancin’ and all.”

He grunted and looked down at his lap. “You make sure you don’t - .” He took a breath and looked at her. “Don’t do nothin’ stupid.”

“Daddy!” Junior was flushin’ pink.

Oh, hell, he was her daddy, might as well go for broke, couldn’t get any worse than it already was. He leaned forward. “You make sure you don’t get pregnant, you hear me? Yer too young to be locked in like that. Whatever happens with this guy, be sure to take some time to just – just live.”

Her face was all red, but she did manage to meet his eyes. “Okay, Daddy.” Her voice was soft again, her eyes soft, too. She bit her lip. “Momma, did she - ?” She stopped herself, looked down.

Occurred to Ennis after a second what she was askin’. ‘Least this question he could answer pure. His voice came out gentle. “No, darlin’, you was wanted, from the get-go. Francie, too, o’ course. Didn’t have you till a year or so after we was married.”

She nodded down into her sewin’. After a bit, almost whisperin’, she said, “Just wondered ‘cause sometimes it seemed like you - .” She shook her head. “Never mind.”

Ennis’s heart twisted in his chest. What was she askin’? “I - . Wasn’t never ‘bout you girls, darlin’. Know I ain’t been the best daddy in the world, but - .”

She opened her mouth to protest, he could tell, but somethin’ pushed more words out. “You gotta know how I felt on you. Feel on you.”

She nodded, eyes wide.

“Anythin’ wrong between yer momma and me, it was my fault. Not nothin’ she could do anything about, you hear? I - .” Hell, what the fuck was he going to say anyway – I’m queer? Not hardly. But she was askin’ fer truth, he could tell. Maybe he could tell some of it without goin’ into territory he wasn’t willin’ to go to. “I had some troubles. My own things. Shouldn’t of married yer momma, though I was too young ta’ figure that out.” He gave her a meaningful look. “Why I want you to wait on that stuff, be careful. But you girls was wanted, both of you, always, you gotta know that.”

She nodded and bit her lip again, musterin’ her courage, he could tell, knowin’ her pretty darn well after all. She murmured low, “You seemed so lonely sometimes, Daddy. Even with momma around. And Cassie and all that. Don’t want you to be so lonely.” She looked around the livin’ room, lupine blue all around them, appropriate right now in a sickenin’ kind of way. Her eyes came back to his and he looked down. “I wouldn’t care, neither would Francie, I’m sure, if you had someone – someone different, you know? Different than momma and Cassie. If you didn’t have ta’ be lonely no more.”

Oh holy hell. His eyes stung fierce. Did she know? He met her eyes, reluctant, every part of his body tellin’ him to run, run away from this conversation, this part of himself. Her eyes were shiny, but steady. Full of love. “I - .” Damn his shakin’ voice. He whispered, “Thank you.”

Maybe that was enough, ‘cause she stood up sudden, said, “I’m gonna make some tea. I’ll bring you some of that mint stuff you like. We gotta hit the hay – big day tomorrow.”

He nodded, shaken. Just like Junior ta’ give him time to recover. Just like her to notice things, lookin’ and listenin’, never sayin’ nothin’. He couldn’t tell, completely, whether she knew it all, or was questin’ around, wonderin’, but in either case, huh. Still waters.

Wednesday went fast, one of the girls or the other spendin’ time with him while he did ranch stuff. Francie waggled her eyebrows at the mention that it was a woman, Bonnie, he drove to and from Gillette with, though Junior just looked at him steady. He smiled at Francie. “Now don’t you go on like that, darlin’. I ain’t datin’ her, she’s just a friend. She’s got - .” He stopped cold. Wasn’t no way he was talkin’ ‘bout no girl lovers with his daughters. Just no way – there was a limit to everything. He didn’t even know whether they knew any of that was possible, not really. “She’s taken. And I - . I ain’t datin’ no one no more. That’s done.”

Francie opened her mouth to protest, but Junior didn’t even hide her elbow, diggin’ into Francie’s side. Francie said, “Alma!” but Junior just shook her head, sharp. “Leave it.” Wasn’t often he heard that tone from Junior, but it wasn’t one you wanted to disobey. Francie widened her eyes, comical-like, but left it alone.

Bonnie got a huge smile when he introduced them, and they was polite, just like they should be. “Sure look forward to gettin’ to know you girls more. Your daddy’s a good man. The best.”

Francie grinned and Junior smiled. Ennis looked at the ground. Francie said, “We think so, too,” and giggled when Ennis shot her a warnin’ look.

Ennis shuffled his feet in the gravel, murmured, “Time ta’ go. You girls be good to Mrs. Twist.”

The drive to Gillette went real fast, Bonnie askin’ all about the girls, and him chattin’ almost like he’d been talkin’ to people easy his whole life. Bonnie smiled over at him a coupla times, till he finally had to say, “Whut?”

She laughed. “Just ain’t often seen you so chatty. Good to see.”

He squirmed, embarrassed.

“Now don’t you clam up on me. I love hearin’ about them, Ennis. Puts me in mind of my own kids. Good to see a dad who knows his kids so good.”

Ennis felt bad – maybe he’d been thoughtless, yammerin’ on about his girls, Bonnie not able to be with her own. “I’m - . I didn’t think on how it might be hard for you, hearin’ - .”

She cut him off with a wave of her hand from off the wheel. “Nah. It’s the opposite. Most people tiptoe ‘round the kid stuff.” She grinned at him. “Now you gotta listen to me braggin’ about mine.”

He laughed. “You bet. What’s your youngest’s name again?”

And Bonnie did, too, tellin’ him about each of the three, and he tried real careful to think of questions as a mom or a dad would want to be asked.

The drive home was quiet, though, ‘least till he heard the soft sound of Bonnie cryin’, tryin’ to stifle it in her sleeve against the side window.

Oh, fuck. “Bonnie?”

“Don’t mind me.”

He drove for some time, thinkin’ on Jack. Did Jack ever cry like this, durin’ all them years? Quiet, in the dark? Did he now?

“I’m sorry, Ennis.” Bonnie’s voice was choked, but she seemed to be over the worst. “Probably the worst thing you can imagine, a woman bawlin’ when you can’t get away.”

True enough, but he wasn’t gonna tell her that. “S’alright”. He gritted his teeth. “You wanna talk about it?”

“It’s just – I feel like such a burden on Lisa, you know? Always mopin’ around about my kids, stressin’ out about it. Don’t know why she sticks. I sure haven’t been much fun.”

Suddenly it wasn’t a burden to talk with Bonnie, try to help her. After what they’d given him - the verse, their friendship, their no-nonsense acceptin’ of what he n’ Jack was?

He considered, thought on Lisa, the look he saw in her eyes when she looked at Bonnie when she thought no one else was lookin’. He remembered somethin’ somebody said to him once, maybe understood it for the first time. After steerin’ around a hairpin turn, he said real clear, “Girls don’t fall in love with fun.”

She laughed, an actual laugh. “What?”

“Somethin’ someone told me once.” He risked a glance at her, said, “I doubt if Lisa fell in love with you for fun.”

“Yeah.” Her voice was considerin’. “Maybe you’re right.”

“Know I am.” He was sure, so he let it show in his voice. They drove quiet the rest of the way, like they sometimes did, no need for small talk, thank God, with this gal. When she dropped him off, she just said, “Thank you,” but he could hear her gratitude, hear that she’d taken some comfort from his words, though of course words couldn’t solve problems, in themselves, could they.

The girls’ remainin’ time went fast, too fast, like it always did. One special day, day before they had to leave, they saddled up early, took lunch with ‘em. He’d offered to take them to Sundance, place as Jack n’ Evelyn had said folks liked to see. He wouldn’t mind, neither, the Sundance Kid movie bein’ one of his favorites. They’d said, not this time, both sayin’ they wanted to see more of what he did, see more of the ranch.

He took ‘em west, due west, thinkin’ on showin them one of the places on the spread as he thought they’d like. Sure enough, they loved the windin’ stream nestled between what passed for hills in this flat country, stand of cottonwood quakin’ in the breeze. Most of the leaves was already shaken off, but they formed a golden carpet for a chilly picnic.

Ridin’ back, Francie got one of her grins, said, “Let’s gallop.”

Ennis shook his head. “Now, Francie, the horses could get hurt, so could you. Tricky terrain out here, unfamiliar.”

Francie looked serious. “Daddy, I wouldn’t say that if I hadn’t checked it out on the way out. Mr. Twist done taught me that – not doin’ reckless stuff like that. This meadow here - .” She waved a hand at the ripplin’ prairie grass where they was movin’ along at a steady pace. “It’s safe.”

He wasn’t sure, but she looked so serious, so grown up. Probably wasn’t nothin’ here as could be too harmful, now he really looked around. “Go ahead.”

She shook her head, grinned. “Not unless you two do it, too.”

Junior rolled her eyes. “Not everyone needs to gallop ta’ have fun, Francie.”

Somethin’ about the meadow put Jack square in the front of Ennis’s mind. Jack would probably say - . He cleared his throat. “I think it’s a fine idea. Try it?” He looked at Junior, ignorin’ Francie’s open-mouthed stare.

Junior’s mouth curved up, and he smiled big, spurred the roan and took off, relishin’ the crisp cold air rushin’ by his head, Francie’s startled whoop, and the heady sensation that Jack was ridin’ with him, laughin’ as Ennis let loose.

When they arrived at suppertime, sweaty and freezin’ at the same time, John Twist looked at them sour, then sniffed. “Too close to sunset to be out ridin’.”

Ennis just looked at him, but Francie smiled big, said, “You didn’t need to worry.”

John’s face twisted into a grimace. “I wasn’t - . Ah, hell.” He stomped off toward the house, and Ennis, unbelievably, had to fight off laughter. The man was an asshole, wasn’t no doubt about it, still hardly speakin’ to Ennis, disgusted look comin’ over his face whenever for some reason he thought on Jack and Ennis, together. But he did have some feelin’s as was human. And he cared for Francie, he could tell. That went a ways in his book. Not far, but a ways. Maybe it’d help him not haul off and slug him next time he made a comment ‘bout faggots or sneered on Jack. Maybe.

Before he knew it, the girls were leavin’ again, and his heart ached bad. Weather seemed ta’ match his lonesome mood, wind howlin’ in proper from the east as the Greyhound pulled out. He slouched against the cold, tryin’ not to think how long it was till Jack’s visit. Tryin’ not to think how short it’d be - treasured days, then the partin’ again.

The days and nights blended together again, punctuated only by school nights and phone calls with the girls or, about once a week, Jack. They’d finished that Mockingbird book and was readin’ poetry now, somethin’ he found mainly worse than useless, but Ennis was still thinkin’ about Atticus and Scout some. His calls with Jack were good, but it felt like his own longin’s were makin’ them calls harder and harder.

Mid November, he steeled himself and drove up to Glen’s place. He’d never been, but despite askin’ around, he couldn’t find no one else folks spoke so highly on, Twist too. John’d refused to do it, mumblin’, “Think I know when someone knows horses better’n me.” Ennis had just stood there, shocked, starin’ at Twist’s back as he stalked off.

He’d phoned first to make sure Glen’d be around, and he had acted like nothin’ had happened, so at least he wasn’t gonna be a pain on that stuff. Still, Ennis had to force himself to get out of the truck when he pulled into Glen’s spread. He came out of the little house to meet him, and they shook hands like any guy’d do, after maybe a second’s slight pause.

“Come on back, I’ll show you the operation.” Glen led the way to a neat-lookin’ array of corrals and a coupla large barns. Off in the distance, Ennis could see groups of horses grazin’. Glen led him on a tour, mentionin’ his high standards, how he treated the animals, how he’d give his best advice on what animals was suited, dependin’ on what was needed.

After a while, he came to a stop, looked right at Ennis. “This is killin’ you, isn’t it?”

Ennis stared at his feet, mumbled, “Don’t know what ya’ mean.”

Glen snorted. “Look, Ennis, I know this is a little – awkward – but really, can we just forget all that? I mean, you could at least look at me when I’m talkin’ about the fuckin’ horses, even if you can’t end up bein’ a friend or nothin’.”

Ennis felt shamed, ‘cause he was doin’ that thing he did, thinkin’ if he avoided somethin’, maybe it’d go away. “Sorry. I’m not used to - .” He broke off. “Everyone said you was the best, bar none.”

“See. One of the reasons I like you.” Glen held up a hand, wardin’ off any possible protest. “As a fuckin’ person, Ennis. Principled man. Killin’ you, but you gotta get horses from me ‘cause folks said I’m the best.”

Ennis nodded. Fuck, it was hard, but - . “You’re not no bullshitter, that’s fer sure.”

“So can we say our Hallmark moment is over and get to business?” Glen laughed, but Ennis thought Glen actually was lookin’ for a friend, probably. Didn’t live in this place with no one, no wife no more, no – lover. Charlie’d been right – this part of Wyomin’ wasn’t no place for a man like Glen to find no company. Ennis didn’t feel ready to be a friend, and it didn’t seem quite right, neither, but the least he could do was talk to the man.

Ennis dredged up a smile. “Sure enough.”

It went okay after that, and Ennis made arrangements for addin’ to the ranch’s horses. They needed a coupla good work horses, minimum, and maybe somethin’ a little finer.

For the life of him Ennis hadn’t seen why they might need no fancier horse when Twist brought it up. Ennis’d said as much to Twist, who muttered, starin’ down at his feet, “Francie and me was talkin’ about maybe her showin’ one or two of ‘em. Trainin’ in the spring, when them girls come back.” Since that was the politest sentence John Twist had ‘bout ever said to Ennis, the nicest, too, he just nodded and said he’d keep an eye out, walked careful away. When Twist was sourer than ever for a few days after that, Ennis thought he understood, Twist no doubt feelin’ scared as hell having let out a secret part of himself no one ever saw. Ennis understood that real well.

Somethin’ about seein’ Glen made it hard ta’ hear Jack talkin’ about Bill the weekend after, during their regular phone call. Apparently he was healin’ some but goin’ through hell with people knowin’ about him.

He knew Jack was careful, real careful, how he talked about him, makin’ sure to talk about Bill enough so Ennis wouldn’t think he was hidin’ nothin’, but makin’ sure not to talk about him so much Ennis would think he cared too much. Ennis was kind of sick of it, even though he knew Jack was just tryin’ hard to do it all right. Wouldn’t have that problem if Jack’d kept his pants zipped, would he?

He’d been gettin’ itchy, too, wantin’ Jack here. Needin’ his laugh, his company, sure, but also – also his body. It was gettin’ damn old lyin’ in that bed wringin’ it out, thinkin’ on times past, times future. How the hell had he stood it all them years? Felt like he wanted to jump out of his skin sometimes, need come on him so strong to feel hard muscle under his hands, feel a man’s raspy cheek on his face.

Times like those, his thoughts swirled darker, thinkin’ on Jack feelin’ like this, yearnin’ for a man’s touch, but seekin’ and findin’ it. He knew Jack had meant it when he said it, but could he really keep away from other guys? Jack was quicksilver and lightnin’ and everything Ennis wasn’t, but he’d screwed other guys when Ennis wouldn’t even look at them. Jack could talk all he wanted ‘bout Cassie and all, but that was different, and he’d even admitted it. If Jack did screw around now, with him here in Lightnin’ Flat, he knew Jack’d never tell him about it, even though this was supposed to be about truth between them now. Just imaginin’ another man’s hand on Jack, another man’s voice in his ear, another man’s - . Fuck!

Suddenly, he was just tired of the whole thing. “Jack, I gotta go.”

“What? We just started talkin’.”

Ennis breathed in deep. “I just - .” He hauled in a breath of air.

“You okay, bud?” Jack’s voice came warm in his ear.

“Just have some stuff I gotta do,” Ennis mumbled.

Jack was quiet for a minute. “I wanna be there, you know that, right, Ennis?”

“Sure.” Even Ennis could hear the pout in his own voice.

“No. I really wanna be there. Bad. I’m just clearin’ the decks to get away. Gonna – gonna stay a long time this time.”

“That’d be good.”

“Listen, Ennis, in ten days I’m gonna be sittin’ there in that house with you, you got that?”

Ennis sighed. The anger of before was dissolvin’ into somethin’ almost worse - that nameless yearnin’ for Jack’s presence that’d haunted him through the years. “Yeah. I - . I miss you, is all.” It still was hard for him to say even that much.

“I ain’t screwin’ around, Ennis, if that’s what you were thinkin’.”

Damn, but that was frightenin’, Jack knowin’ him that well. But - . “Ain’t just that.”

“I know. Lonely beds and all that?” Jack’s voice was as close to tender as it could get over a phone line.

Song of Solomon, what he was referrin’ to, had to be - that line, By night on my bed I sought him who my soul loveth . . . . Must be, right?

Reminded Ennis what his job was these days. His job was hangin’ tough, not givin’ in to sadness or fear or jealousy or nothin’. His job was to love Jack, not let himself think on all the bad stuff. His job was to not let that nightmare win – instead, to call Jack home to him, gentle.

“Yeah, all that.” He took a breath. “We’ll have fun when you’re here.”

“Sure will. Ennis?”

“Yeah?”

Jack paused. “Nothin’. Just - . Just hang in there, okay?”

Ennis put his hand over his eyes for a second. He was supposed to be tellin’ that to Jack. “Yeah. Always, told you.”

“Yeah.” Jack’s voice was thick.

“Listen, Jack, let’s just – let’s not talk on the phone before then. It’s just – let’s just meet up in ten days.”

Jack didn’t protest like Ennis thought he would. He laughed a little, said, “Like old times, then?”

Ennis smiled too. Since he didn’t know why he wanted it, that sounded as good a reason as any. “You bet. But better.”

“You can say that again.” Jack sounded - happy, now Ennis thought about it. Glad feelin’ went through him he could do that for Jack. That was the important thing.

“Okay then,” Ennis said. “See you then.”

Jack said low and gentle into the phone, “See you then,” and hung up.

Each of the ten days went slower than the one before, till Ennis was half convinced he was in some kind of purgatory, forever dealin’ with cattle and horses and Twist, the sun inchin’ by ever-slower degrees through its arc.

When the day before Thanksgiving finally came, he was ‘bout ready to whip babies, he was that anxious to see Jack. Even Buck and Ken gave him a wide berth, so he must be radiatin’ some of his feelin’s. Suited him just fine, not wantin’ to have to talk to no one ‘bout nothin’ today.

He practically ran up the ragged track to the house when it got close to four, that bein’ the earliest Jack said he’d make it. He’d made some stuff last night and put it up in the fridge so he could just heat it up and serve it out tonight.

This time of year, it was getting’ on to sunset by four o’clock, and it was freezin’, the sky an ominous-lookin’ slate grey as he figured meant snow was on its way. He cleaned up quick in the shower and set some stuff in the oven, then got a beer and paced in front of the picture window as looked out over the drive.

Didn’t have to wait long, though it felt like forever, before Jack’s shiny truck came racin’ up the drive, Jack to all appearances bein’ as anxious for this reunion as him. He tucked the tails of the nice shirt he’d put on deeper into his pants, shrugged on his coat and gloves and stepped out onto the front porch. After all this time, his heart was still poundin’ fast knowin’ he was about to be with Jack, pulse soundin’ loud in his ears.

Jack’s truck peeled to a stop, and then after a breathless moment, Jack swung out of his truck, lookin’ like he did all them years ago after Ennis’s divorce came through. He spotted Ennis standing on the porch, pushed his hat back a little, black one that looked mighty fine on him, and a grin pulled up the corners of his mouth.

Somethin’ seemed different about Jack. He looked – lighter. Younger, too. Damn, he’d shaved that moustache, looked about twenty years old there in the falterin’ light.

Ennis’s heart stopped for a second, least that’s what it felt like, seein’ the echo of that younger Jack, standin’ right here, a few steps away. Little flakes of snow started fallin’ lightly, swirlin’ a little in the wind. Jack’s grin grew bigger, and Ennis felt an answerin’ smile tug on his own face.

“Jack,” he said.

Jack said, “Ennis,” and grinned a little wider.

A sudden gust of wind came strong out of the east. Ennis’s eyes was drawn to the back of Jack’s pickup – somethin’ was flappin’ around.

He gasped, out loud, felt like he couldn’t get no breath.

One corner of the tarp over the bed of the pickup had come undone a little, and he could see boxes, lots of ‘em, cardboard boxes like people used when they was movin’.

“Jack?” His voice sounded broken. Maybe Jack was just bringin’ some stuff to his folks’ house to store or somethin’, or - .

“Heard you was lookin’ for a roommate.” Jack, grinnin’ at him like a fool.

Ennis’s legs felt weak all of a sudden, and he couldn’t breathe. What he’d been dreamin’ of, happenin’ at last. Happenin’ so soon.

He bit his lip, looked off to the road that’d brought Jack here to him. A tiny sliver of fear crossed his mind. Two guys shackin’ up together, now that was something people were gonna notice sooner or later.

He looked back at Jack. Jack had followed Ennis’s gaze to the road, and his smile had faded just a little ‘round his eyes. He was lookin’ hard at Ennis. Ennis remembered that time when Jack’d come all the way to Riverton on the hope of Ennis’s divorce. Pain stabbed his heart thinkin’ on what he’d done to Jack then, all from fear.

That wasn’t gonna happen again. Not never again.

This time, he wasn’t gonna let the fear win. This time, he wasn’t gonna be lookin’ out to no road for fear of neighbors pokin’ their heads where they didn’t belong. This time, he wasn’t gonna push Jack away after no little hug. This time, he wasn’t gonna smash down the feelin’s he had, havin’ Jack Twist in his arms.

He looked straight into Jack’s eyes, looked out to the road, looked back at Jack and shook his head, quick and sharp. Then he smiled at Jack, puttin’ all his feelin’ into it, makin’ sure it reached his eyes.

Jack looked at Ennis, looked to the road, looked back at Ennis, and then the smile was back, full around his eyes.

Ennis took a step toward Jack, down the top porch step, said, hoarse, “Only one roommate I’m interested in.”

Jack’s grin turned warm and the crinkles ‘round his eyes grew even deeper.

Ennis had lots of experience at hidin’ feelin’s away in his head. He took that little sliver of fear, tucked it tight away, into the same place he’d tucked the love and the memories of Jack all them years. He tucked it away, locked it up, let his heart fill with the joy he felt seepin’ through his veins.

He looked at Jack. He was bitin’ his lip, feelin’s threatenin’ to overwhelm his grin, a beautiful sight, because it was Ennis as put those feelin’s there. His eyes were the deepest blue, his hair dark against the steely sky.

He had so many questions, ‘bout when Jack’d decided this, what was happenin’ in Childress, what it’d took for him to do this, but - . But time for that later - all that mattered was he was here, fuckin’ here, comin’ home.

Ennis took another step toward Jack, down the second porch step.

Jack’s grin had faded a little, but this time not to bitter – this time to a smile as warmed Ennis to his toes, the warmth radiatin’ out of his eyes like the heat of their campfire on a frigid high-altitude night. A warmth laced with past sorrow and with hope.

Could this really be happenin’? Could a man such as him deserve this, a second chance at such a precious thing?

Ennis felt gratitude well up inside him, gratitude for all the things as had made this happen.

He looked out to the road again, this time feelin’ no fear, but only gratitude that it was the road as had brought Jack home to him.

This time, the only reason he’d look out to the road was to bless it for bein’ the road as brought Jack home to him. This time, he was gonna hold Jack close and not let go. This time, he was gonna live his feelin’s, let them come, let himself feel, for the first time ever, all he really felt for this man.

He looked at Jack one more time, and didn’t stop lookin’. He felt his own smile get all quivery, but he didn’t care, ‘cause this was Jack.

Ennis took another step toward Jack, steppin’ onto the hard cold ground at the bottom of those porch steps, and then they were flyin’ into each others’ arms, huggin’ like they wasn’t never lettin’ go, huggin’ so tight Ennis couldn’t breathe, but he didn’t care, he didn’t need air when Jack Twist was in his arms like this. “Jack,” Ennis whispered, bit of a hitch in his voice, but he didn’t care.

Jack said, “Sonofabitch,” back to him, and they was still huggin’, huggin’ tight like they always did, but more. Ennis buried his face in Jack’s neck, breathed, “Jack” again right up against his skin, breathin’ in the scent of Jack, his man, come home to his arms.

Felt like he could hardly stand up, like he was bein’ sucked in deep by that whirlpool of feelin’ that always tried to claim him, but this time – this time, he let go. He let go of land, let go of tryin’ to fight it, let it pull him where it wanted to go, and then he was kissin’ Jack, kissin’ him fierce and hard and tender and sweet all at once. There was wet on their lips, and he didn’t know or care whether it was tears or meltin’ snow, or if it was tears whose they was, ‘cause this was Jack, and you only got one life ta’ live so why not live it real.

 

 

They broke the kiss finally for air, and Ennis noticed the snow was fallin’ harder. He tried to push Jack away – he maintained enough awareness, barely, ta’ know they were outside – but Jack just pulled him tighter, kissin’ him hard, and Ennis relaxed into the feelin’ of bein’ matched strength for strength, a male body strong as his own snugged up tight against him. Honestly, he could give a flyin’ fuck right now whether anyone saw them.

The snow was fallin’ harder now, and Ennis could feel ice under his hands in Jack’s hair, felt the points where they connected as the only points of heat in the whole frozen landscape.

Ennis felt like he’d never be able to get his fingers to let go of Jack, so he just kept holdin’ on, huggin’ him tight to him, tryin’ to believe this was really happenin’. He felt Jack shiver in his arms, and pulled his mouth off him to laugh. “Better get your wimpy Texas ass inside before you freeze to death.”

Jack shoved Ennis off him and snorted. His eyes were bright and dancin’. “Is that any way ta’ welcome me?”

Ennis felt a grin split his own face, but it faded slowly as he looked hard at Jack. Under the joy, deep tiredness. “No. Ain’t no way to welcome you. Jack - .” Ennis’s hand crept up to cup Jack’s face. His throat closed up, and he felt the old shyness come down on him hard. Was he goin’ to stand out here in front of the whole world and speak his feelin’s to this man?

Jack’s eyes were warm, and Ennis knew there was tears standin’ in his own eyes.

A cold, hard wind buffeted them, rattled the tarp on the truck bed. Jack shivered, and Ennis could see his lips was a little blue. He pried his fingers open from their clutchin’, said, “Let’s go in, Jack.”

Jack nodded and they turned towards the porch. Ennis had a thought, stopped and nodded back toward the truck. “That stuff’s goin’ to get dumped on. I can start movin’ it in – you should go in and warm up.”

Jack shook his head, went to fix the tarp down tight where it’d blown off. “Nah. I got the stuff in the cab that can’t get wet. We can bring in the stuff in the back later.”

The wind was pickin’ up now, blowin’ icy missiles into their faces. “If you say so,” Ennis said.

At the front door, Ennis paused, struck with the shock of what was happening. Was this real? Felt like a dream, except for the stingin’ wind lashin’ his face and hands. His gloved hand on the doorknob looked so familiar, same gloved workman’s hand as had opened his lonely trailer door every evenin’ in his nightmare, on down through old age. He stared at his hand, momentarily frozen, remembrin’.

Then soft, Jack’s hand, cased in brown, came to lie on top of his. Ennis turned, and there was Jack, next to him on the porch, huddlin’ into the wimpy collar of his coat. Jack was lookin’ at Ennis with an expression – what was it? Disbelief, fear, sorrow, and underneath – underneath a bubblin’ hope, somethin’ that hadn’t been in Jack’s eyes for a long time.

Somethin’ seemed to be needed, before they took a step inside, a moment neither of them probably really had thought would come. Suddenly, Ennis felt shy and strange, waitin’ on the threshold with this man. Jack looked a little sheepish, too, and Ennis smiled despite himself. Maybe he didn’t need to say anythin’. This was Jack, and they’d been friends a long, long time.

He turned the knob, then turned his hand up, grasped Jack’s hand lightly. He cleared his throat, had to raise his voice a little over the rising wind, “Come in, Jack – you’re goin’ to freeze yer ass off out here.”

Jack laughed and pushed the door open , and then they were inside, hands clasped, and Ennis shut the door behind them.

Jack shivered and laughed. “I forgot how fuckin’ cold it is here in the winter.”

Ennis chuckled. “Ain’t near winter yet, bud.” He shook his head. “You’ve been livin’ down ta’ Texas too long.”

Jack sobered and smiled, a half smile. “That I have.”

Ennis felt his heart squeeze, and reached to brush away a few flakes of snow in Jack’s dark hair. “Yeah, well, we got to get you used to livin’ here, then.”

Jack smiled warm, but Ennis could see how tired he looked under the smilin’. Ice was startin’ to melt off Jack’s hair and shoulders, drippin’ onto the entry tile.

They stood there then, awkward, little smile on both their lips, Ennis’s hand lowered to Jack’s shoulder. Ennis knew he should say somethin’, break the silence, welcome Jack. Time ticked away, and they was still starin’ at each other, little smile on each of their faces. He really needed to say somethin’.

“Do you - ?” They both spoke at the same instant, then laughed. Jack grinned. “Look at us, Ennis – actin’ like we ain’t been goin’ at it for twenty years.”

“Yeah.” Ennis felt Jack shiver again, smelled the food he’d put in the oven earlier. “You hungry? I made some stuff.”

Jack smiled at him. “Starvin’.” He shot Ennis a look under his eyelashes as could heat the whole state. “And not just for food.”

Ennis’s whole body reacted, just like it always did, to Jack. Automatic, he stepped forward, closer. He could picture it all – havin’ Jack right now, lettin’ the heat between them kindle from spark to flame. His breathin’ had sped up again, and so had Jack’s, whose eyes were darkenin’ even as Ennis watched. But - but this was different than always, least it should be, right? This shouldn’t be like all them other times, ‘cause this was special – beyond special. Jack was movin’ here, movin’ in.

He took a step back, away from Jack – not easy. Jack leaned forward, automatic, followin’ Ennis’s body, and he needed all his will to not react, lean in like his body wanted so bad. Jack musta seen it in his eyes, ‘cause he smiled, warm smile from the heart, said, “You’re right. Let’s eat.”

Jack walked toward the kitchen, grinned back over his shoulder. “You been slavin’ all day?”

Ennis snorted. “That’ll be the day.” But as they put the food out on the table, he got a little shy, seein’ all he’d done. Jack’s eyes were dancin’, but he musta decided not to tease, only commentin’ on how good the chicken dish was. Ennis’d asked Junior ‘bout it, followed her recipe, puttin’ some mushroom soup in with some rice and chicken. He’d thought there wasn’t no way he could eat, but he’d hardly been able to swallow a bite the past coupla days, bein’ so keyed up for Jack’s visit.

But it wasn’t just a visit, was it? His fork stopped halfway to his mouth, and he had to breathe hard for a minute. Holy shit – Jack was here, was fuckin’ movin’ here, and they were sittin’ around the table eatin’ dinner?

“You alright?” Jack was lookin’ at him over his beer, knowin’ look in his eyes.

“I -.” He swallowed. “Yeah. It’s just - .” Ennis waved to the table, Jack, the blue walls around them.

“Yeah.” Jack took a last swig of his beer, stood up. He walked over to where Ennis sat, reached a hand to stroke soft over Ennis’s cheek. Ennis was helpless, turned to stone on the force of his feelin’s, starin’ up into the blue of Jack’s eyes. Jack smiled, tender, said, “I’m gonna shower. Meet you in bed.”

It wasn’t really a question, but Ennis nodded, lost in lookin’ at Jack’s lips, his eyes, the hair curlin’ dark and silver ‘round his face. He reached up a shaky hand, traced light over Jack’s top lip. Jack’s eyes closed when Ennis’s finger touched him. “You shaved it.”

Jack’s eyes opened, and Ennis was fallin’ into them, like always. Jack murmured, “Fresh start.” Ennis’s heart leaped a little, and he managed to say, “Look nineteen again.”

Somehow their lips had drifted close, but Jack pushed off, headed for the bathroom, just said low, back over his shoulder, “Come to bed.”

Ennis cleared the table and put up the food as could spoil. He heard the shower go off, and started to wash the dishes. He stopped when he saw how bad his hands were shakin’, just stood there, braced against the sink, suckin’ in breaths. What was wrong with him? Jack was waitin’ for him, waitin’ in that bed he’d bought without much hope of this day ever comin’.

“Ennis! Get in here!” Jack’s bellow, echoin’ down the hall.

Strange feelin’ of déjà vu hit him, and he walked, slow, down the hall, made it to the bedroom. Ennis suddenly felt dizzy, and he leaned heavy ‘gainst the door jamb. The doorway seemed to shimmer ‘round him.

Suddenly, other doorways presented themselves in his head, stark and strong.

The door at Jack’s house in Childress – the harsh desperate fuck up against it.

The door of Jack’s truck, bangin’ shut on Jack, turned away sad and angry after drivin’ a thousand miles ta’ come see Ennis after his divorce.

The door of that flea-bitten dive motel out the highway from Riverton, their passion after four years apart unleashed before the door could bang all the way shut behind them.

“Ennis?” Jack sounded funny. “Y’ alright?”

Ennis blinked, then sucked in a breath. There was Jack, lyin’ in the bed, covers to his waist, the light from one little lamp paintin’ the muscle on his chest with golden shadows. He felt his heart stutter on the sight, his legs weaken. Jack’d lain like this – just like this – that second night back on the mountain. On his back, up on his elbows, chest bare and silky.

His heart had near hammered out of his chest, standin’ crouched at that doorway, their first doorway, the tent flap. His eyes hadn’t been able to figure where ta’ look, drawn by force to Jack’s man’s body and deep warm eyes, drawn by fear to lookin’ down, away, anywhere but at Jack.

“Ennis?”

Ennis blinked again and he was here, now, standin’ in the doorway of his – their – bedroom, and Jack was starin’ at him, searchin’ look on his face.

Ennis managed a smile that felt weak even to him, pried his fingers off the door jamb and stumbled blind ta’ sit down, hard, on the edge of the bed near Jack. Jack’s warm hand came up to clasp on Ennis’s arm.

“You alright? You look like you seen a ghost.” Jack sounded worried.

Ennis turned to look down on Jack. A ghost. Was Jack, warm and golden in his bed, a ghost? A specter from his nightmares, haunting him with what could have been? A dream Jack, a dream life?

Jack’s forehead wrinkled, and his hand stroked up to Ennis’s shoulder. His voice was gentle. “What’s wrong?”

Ennis swallowed, couldn’t keep his eyes on Jack. “This a dream, Jack?” His voice came out rough, mumbled down toward his lap.

Jack sat up all the way, and his hand cupped ‘round the side of Ennis’s face, drew it up gentle so Ennis was lookin’ at him. “Ain’t a dream, Ennis. S’alright.”

Ennis shut his eyes and he was back in that tent on Brokeback, then he was in his nightmare, thinkin’ back on them times, starin’ at a dime postcard tacked to his closet.

“Ennis!” Jack’s hand shook Ennis’s cheek a little and his eyes flew open. Jack seemed to be searchin’ Ennis’s face for somethin’. Jack smiled a little, ran his finger light up Ennis’s cheek. “This feel like a dream, Ennis?” Jack brought his other hand up ta’ cup his other cheek, brushed his thumbs soft on Ennis’s cheekbones.

Ennis’s eyes fluttered closed on the feelin’, then wrenched open again on an indrawn breath, seein’ Jack’s hands, hands that were strokin’ him so gentle, curled ‘round chunks of gravel by the side of some highway, facin’ up to the blue of the sky.

Jack’s eyes looked understandin’ and his hand slid back, so gentle, to curl ‘round the back of Ennis’s neck. Jack came close, till all Ennis could see was his eyes. “This feel like a dream, Ennis?” Jack whispered, runnnin’ his cheek soft up against Ennis’s cheek, brushin’ his nose up against Ennis’s and just breathin’, hoverin’ near Ennis’s mouth but not touchin’. Ennis felt Jack’s breath, warm on his own lips when he breathed out. Ennis shook his head just a little. “No,” he whispered back, but it was the faintest sound.

Jack said, “This feel like a dream?” and moved his lips the fraction of an inch to press soft and hot on Ennis’s lips, just a second, then gone.

“No.” Ennis’s voice had a little sigh behind it now. Smell of Jack, feel of Jack breathin’ on his face, hand curled in his hair, body warm and right there.

Then Jack lowered his mouth a little, tilted Ennis’s face away, kissed Ennis’s neck, kissed a slow, warm trail up his jaw, till Ennis’s mouth turned, seekin’ Jack’s.

This time Jack lingered, pressin’ his lips hard into Ennis’s, then rubbin’ them as he lifted off.

Ennis’s breath was comin’ faster and so was Jack’s, but Jack pulled back, whispered fierce, “Ain’t no dream, Ennis, you believin’ that yet?”

Ennis wanted to say yes, he believed it, but his nightmares walked stalking behind his eyelids, mocking him. Truth was his nightmares did feel like this, when he was in them. And that future Ennis he’d seen, old and dried up, wakin’ day after day in his solitary bed, had clung onto the dreams of Jack as had graced him, dreams so real he woke up covered with spunk and sometimes tears.

Jack was pulled back a little now, lookin’ hard into Ennis’s face.

Ennis swallowed. “Jack, I been dreamin’ you died.”

“Yeah, you told me.” Jack just waited, lookin’ steady into Ennis.

“You died and my life was - .” He swallowed again, hard, looked down. “Was empty. Except if I dreamed ‘bout you.” He looked up into Jack’s eyes again, feelin’ exposed. “When I did - dream about you - it was somethin’ I could hold onto that day.” He shook his head. “Pathetic.”

“Some dream.” Jack’s voice was level, careful.

“Well, it ain’t enough.” Ennis looked into Jack’s face again. “Don’t want no half full glass no more, Jack. Want this to be real.”

Jack looked at Ennis hard, searchin’ his face. Suddenly, he sat up, swung up off the bed, gloriously naked, started pullin’ on his jeans. “Come on.”

“Whut?” Ennis’s head felt fuzzy. What the hell? “Jack, what’re you doing?”

Jack was flickin’ his shirt buttons closed, slippin’ his boots on.

“Jack!”

Jack paused in the doorway, slippin’ his arms into that god-awful parka. Aimed a grin at Ennis as could light up the power grid for the county. “Get your coat and gloves. Follow me.”

“What the – Jack! It’s fuckin’ freezin’ outside!”

“I know. Why you need your coat.” Another blindin’ grin, and then Jack walked off fast down the hall. Ennis launched himself to his feet. It was just like Jack to pull some damn fool crazy stunt.

Ennis had to stop, gasp in a little air. It was like Jack used to be. How many years had it been since Jack had startled Ennis with some wild plan?

Too long, that’s how long it had been.

Jack was already at the front door, pullin’ on his gloves.

Thinkin’ about the weather outside that door, thinkin’ about how Jack probably kinda liked him to bitch, Ennis tried again. “Jack, it’s fuckin’ November in Wyomin’.”

Jack ignored him, and Ennis grabbed his coat, grumblin’, “Winter, for all intents.”

The air was icy when they went outside, but the wind had died down with the fall of actual night. The moon was peekin’ out in a clear space between clouds, shinin’ white on a few patches of snow.

Jack had taken off, walkin’ fast towards the back of their little drive.

Ennis took off after him, called out, “The fuck we goin’, Jack? We’re gonna freeze our balls off.”

“Ain’t goin’ far,” Jack shot back, stoppin’ at the base of the huge old oak, the one as had been blasted by lightnin’ back in the summer, the night Jack had arrived.

Jack was circlin’ the trunk now, seemin’ to be feeling around for somethin’. “Got it! Give me a boost, Ennis.”

“What the hell, Jack?” Ennis came close. Jack had his hands stretched up the tree trunk, looked back over his shoulder at Ennis. “Hands. Boost.”

Shakin’ his head, Ennis laced his fingers together, made a step for Jack. Jack stepped in with one foot, felt around up in the tree for a second, said, “Yup. Got it.” He pushed his foot hard against Ennis’s hands, then disappeared up into the tree.

His voice came disembodied from above Ennis’s head. “Here, I’ll give you a hand. The bottom ones are missing, but there’s rungs a ways up you can use.” Jack’s gloved hand appeared in the moonlight.

Ennis took a breath to protest, stopped himself, clasped Jack’s hand. Sure enough, his foot found a rung high up the trunk, and with Jack’s strong pull, he was suddenly level with some kind of platform, up there in the branches. He swung himself up, wary, freezin’ when the boards under him made an ominous creakin’ sound.

Damn, this was some kind of kid’s fort or something. He musta missed seein’ it ‘cause most of the year it’d be hidden by leaves. And since the tree was blasted, he’d probably been avoidin’ lookin’ at it anyway, it being one of the things on his list he hadn’t gotten to yet, in the rush of summer and fall jobs ‘round the ranch. Maybe partly hadn’t wanted to deal with it ‘cause it reminded him of Jack’s visit, too.

“Come ‘ere. Lie back.” Jack, lyin’ on his back on the platform.

Ennis crawled carefully over, lay down ginger on his back. The branches of the tree rose high into the air above them, barren and stark against the moonlit sky. Ennis felt Jack, a warmth all along his side where they were touchin’. Their breath showed in white puffs.

After a bit, he asked, “What is this, Jack?”

Jack chuckled. “Don’t seem like much, does it? Took me forever to do it. Had to be careful, make sure my daddy never caught me.”

Knowin’ a bit about John Twist, Ennis said careful, “I kin imagine.”

Jack laughed. “Ya’ shoulda seen me, Ennis, sneakin’ old boards from the back o’ the barn after dark.”

Jack was quiet for a minute, and Ennis thought back, reluctant, on that photo in the dining room, Jack so young and still full o’ life. What would it take ta’ keep yer spirits up, daddy like that? Hell, he himself’d been pretty beat down by life pretty young, and he hadn’t had nobody tellin’ him he was worthless every day. ‘Course, life had done a pretty good job of that by itself. “How old was ya’, y’think?”

Jack thought for a minute. “Probably nine or so, guessin’.”

“Mm.” Ennis could picture that real good, little boy draggin’ boards up here, week by week. “You bring people here?”

He could feel Jack shakin’ his head next to him. “Nah. You’re it. Was a place ta’ – be by myself. Think ‘bout stuff.”

Ennis said soft, “Get away.”

“Yeah.” Jack’s voice, softer still.

Ennis was gettin’ cold now, ‘cept the side of him as was snugged up next to Jack. “So, what’s this got ta’ do with me thinkin’ this is a dream?”

Jack laughed, and Ennis could feel the vibratin’ of the boards shiver his whole body. “I don’t know what the fuck I was thinkin’. Just seemed - .” He trailed off, and Ennis’s love and longin’ surged up strong. He knew, least he thought he did – what it was. Maybe Jack was thinkin’ on how, even then, he was lookin’ for a friend, a spark in the dark night.

Ennis rose up on an elbow over Jack, looked down. He could see Jack clear, bright moonlight filterin’ to where they lay. Jack wasn’t laughin’ now, face gone serious and thoughtful.

“I think I get it,” Ennis said, soft and low. “Maybe – .” Damn this was hard to say out loud, but this was Jack, come home to him. “Maybe, you was like me, yearnin’ on findin’ a friend.”

Jack stared at him. Ennis surged on. “And it ain’t a dream, yer tryin’ ta’ tell me, ‘cause here’s this fallin’ apart place ya’ made back ‘fore you even knew me. It’s about souls.” Ennis felt exhausted from the storm of words, especially sayin’ the word “souls,” and knew it’d come out all wrong, didn’t make any sense, but Jack sighed out, brought his hand up ta’ stroke, tender, on the side of Ennis’s face. His voice was tender, too, and warm. “Now that, Ennis del Mar, is some of the finest words you’ve ever spoke ta’ me.”

Ennis felt his own answerin’ smile, felt the slight tug on his head from Jack’s hand at the same instant he’d already started his descent toward Jack’s lips. Soft, like the snow that was startin’ to fall again, their kiss lingered till both their lips warmed. Pullin’ off was hard, but worth it to see Jack’s smile, the smile he only gave ta’ Ennis, moments like these. Jack didn’t try ta’ hide nothin’ of his feelin’s when he said, lookin’ straight into Ennis’s eyes, “Souls yearnin’.”

There, in the hush of the night, lyin’ in a secret place no one else had ever seen, Ennis could answer back a soft-breathed, “Yes.”

Jack’s smile faded, and Ennis felt the heat as was always there between them start ta’ thread in amongst the sweet. Jack felt it too, he could tell, his eyes darkenin’ there in the moonlight. Jack’s voice came out silky, a bit rough ‘round the edges. “Ennis.”

Ennis didn’t need the tug on his head this time ta’ know Jack wanted a kiss as bad as he did, and this time, wasn’t no tender kiss, but one laced with heat, Jack’s mouth openin’ under him the second their lips touched, Jack’s hands comin’ ‘round Ennis to tug him down.

Ennis was losin’ himself in this, like he always did, and this time – this time, weren’t no reins on the thing. Jack was shakin’ underneath him, and he wasn’t feelin’ too steady himself, Jack’s body surgin’ up to his, his own body on fire with Jack’s taste, his smell, the feel of him under his hands.

Ennis rolled full on top of Jack, heard a bit of creakin’ from the fuckin’ tree fort, but ignored it in favor of pressin’ down all along Jack’s willin’ body.

Next he knew, Jack was pushin’ him away, sayin, “Ennis,” voice hoarse.

“Huh?” Ennis was focused on Jack’s lips, wet and full, so close underneath his own that –

“Ennis!”

Ennis focused on Jack, who was grinnin’ again, happy light in his eye. “Whut?”

“We should go inside. It’s fuckin’ November in Wyomin’. We’re goin’ to freeze our asses off.”

Ennis huffed out a breath, tried ta’ keep a straight face. “Well, and whose fuckin’ idea was it ta’ come out here to do this dang fool thing anyway, Jack? You was lyin’ there all snug in the bed “– he leered down at Jack, purposely – “then next thing I know we’re up here freezin’ our balls off.”

Jack’s grin grew wider. “Yeah? Well, fuck you.”

Ennis couldn’t help it, his lips twitched a little. “I don’t think so, Jack. Fuck you, I’m thinkin’.”

Jack laughed, big belly laugh as made Ennis feel happy down ta’ his toes. “Only if you kin catch me,” he shot at Ennis, suddenly sittin’ up and slitherin’ down off the fort in one smooth motion, settin’ off a sickenin’ shakin’ that kept Ennis frozen in place fer a breath or two. He heard Jack hit the snow safely on the ground below, and crawled over ta’ the edge to feel down with his feet for the old wooden boards Jack’d nailed into that tree so long ago. “Oh, I’ll catch you, Jack, and when I do - .”

Jack’s delighted laugher rang back through the frozen night. Ennis dropped to the ground easy and ran after Jack, arrivin’, pantin’, at the house’s front door just as Jack had fumbled it open. Ennis threw himself up against Jack, laughin’, gasped out, “Got you now.”

Jack chortled, panted, “We’ll see ‘bout that,” and pushed on backwards through the door.

Then they was inside, and Ennis used the momentum ta’ push Jack back against the inside of the door, which closed hard behind him.

They was both still laughin’, and Jack looked like he had all them years ago when they’d horsed around like this.

Jack was pantin’, and so was Ennis. Ennis’s hands were on Jack’s shoulders, pinnin’ him against the door, though Jack sure wasn’t fightin’ it. In fact, Jack was gettin’ that look – the special look – as said there was one thing he wanted, and yesterday wouldn’t be too soon. His eyes were huge, darkenin’ by the second. His pantin’ didn’t stop, but now it wasn’t from runnin’.

Ennis felt it rise up strong inside – the need for Jack, frightenin’ in its strength. When it took hold of him, weren’t nothin’ as could stand in its way. And this time – fuck. Stronger than ever, and Jack lookin’ at him with that half-drowned expression, eyes focused on Ennis’s mouth.

He leaned in harder, puttin’ more weight on Jack’s shoulders. Jack whispered, “Ennis.” Ennis moved his hands, slow, down Jack’s arms, tracin’ the muscle, till he reached Jack’s hands, took them and held them, pressin’ them softly into the door.

Jack’s breathin’ sped up even more, and Ennis saw only Jack’s lips, his eyes, his rapidly movin’ chest under his shirt. This time, when Ennis leaned in ta’ kiss Jack, Jack surged up ta’ meet him, mouth already open, their tongues dancin’ before they’d hardly touched.

And then Ennis was on fire, draggin’ Jack’s hands up next ta’ his head on the door, pressin’ against Jack with his whole body, shiverin’ feeling Jack’s hardness through his jeans, the stupid parka havin’ conveniently ridden up.

Jack was meltin’ under him, same as always, liquid under his mouth and his body, and Ennis’s whole self narrowed down ta’ this feelin’, the feelin’ of needin’ Jack. No wonder this had scared him, overwhelmin’ as it was, like a rip current draggin’ him helpless out ta’ sea.

Jack moaned into his mouth, writhin’ up against him, and fuck, it’d been so long. Jack ripped his mouth away, gasped, “Ennis.”

Ennis heard himself growl, shoved himself even harder against Jack. He let Jack’s hands go, and they was fumblin’ at each others’ clothes. Ennis was desperate to feel Jack’s skin under his fingers, practically rippin’ at the fuckin’ parka, then givin’ up and goin’ for Jack’s jeans.

Jack’s hand was fumblin’ in the pocket of that god-awful thing, and then he was pushin’ a tube into Ennis’s hands and startin’ to turn ‘round. For a second Ennis’s brain stopped functioning on the thought of fuckin’ Jack here, standin’ up, right now, up against the door. He had to press down, hard, on that thought, along with his dick, risin’ up strong from his undone zip, ‘cause damn if he wasn’t ‘bout two seconds away from comin’.

But somethin’ was wrong, this wasn’t right, this wasn’t – “Stop, Jack.” His voice came out rough and low, but he pushed on Jack’s arm to stop him from turnin’ ‘round.

“What?” Jack’s voice sounded drowned, with that desperate edge it sometimes got.

Everythin’ in Ennis wanted to spin Jack around, do what they both wanted right then and there, but – “Ain’t right.”

Jack managed ta’ gasp, “What? Come on, Ennis!”

Ennis shook his head, panted, “It - . I thought. First time here should be – you know – special. Bed and all.”

Jack’s eyes seemed ta’ focus and soften a little, but his voice was still hoarse and low. “Plenty of time fer that, Ennis. Told you, this ain’t a dream.”

“But - .” Ennis could feel the heat risin’ off Jack, felt his own body tremblin’ in time. “Don’t want it ta’ be just – just sex, y’know?”

Jack looked straight into his eyes, panted for breath. “When the hell’s it ever been just sex, Ennis?”

Ennis felt somethin’ squeeze his heart, gasped in a breath.

Jack’s eyes were dark, his voice strong. “And this is fuckin’ special. This is our house. Our house. We can screw around anywhere we want, any time. I don’t need no fancy words, no ro-man-tic bedroom.” He held up a hand. “Not that I don’t appreciate that. You know I do. But Ennis - .” Jack’s voice went lower, silk on Ennis’s skin. “But if we wanna fuck up against the door our first time, that’s all the ‘special’ I need.”

Ennis stood a second, pole-axed, lightnin’ runnin’ up his spine on Jack’s words. All he could think of was Jack’s mouth sayin’ the words “fuck against the door” and that this was Jack, here under his hands. He saw Jack’s lips quirk a little, knowin’, no doubt, how he made Ennis feel.

Ennis’s own mouth pulled up a little. “Well then, Jack.” He leaned forward, plundered Jack’s mouth with his tongue, pulled out, leavin’ them both pantin’.

“Well then, Jack fuckin’ Twist.” He leaned in again, same moment as Jack was leanin’ up for his mouth, kissed Jack rough till he had ta’ pull up for air.

“Then – “ he spun Jack around, effortlessly, no resistance from Jack, against the door, whispered hot into Jack’s ear, “Then fuck you up against the door is exactly what I’m gonna do.”

Jack gasped, said, “Oh, God,” reachin’ back for Ennis and pullin’ him flush against him.

And God, the feel of Jack, clothes still on ‘cept pants pulled down, his own jeans still up, only unzipped, snow meltin’ between them. Damn, it was too much, it was overwhelmin’. He fumbled the tube open, slid a slick finger down Jack and in, no teasin’, just raw need drivin’ him now, need ta’ be inside Jack, tell him with his body all them things he always felt.

Jack was moanin’ now, chantin’, “Ennis, Ennis,” and then Ennis had two fingers in him.

Jack writhed back onto Ennis’s fingers, hissin’. Ennis pulled ‘em out, and Jack whined, sound that traveled straight down Ennis’s spine and hardened his dick ta’ painful. Wasn’t nothin’ stoppin’ him now, Jack was right – they could do whatever they wanted, ‘cause they was together, Jack was here, and – and then he was inside Jack, pushin’ in slow, so’s not to hurt him, though all of him wanted ta’ slam home.

Jack was scrabblin’ at the door, goin’ up on his elbows and anglin’ his ass back more, so Ennis got a hand at his waist ta’ help pull him back better. Jack yelled, “Fuck,” at the new angle, and Ennis groaned, loud in the empty house. Jack said fierce, “Fuck me, Ennis, that’s it.”

Ennis scrambled for control, on the verge of spillin’, managed ta’ slow down a little, windin’ the fingers of one hand into one of Jack’s hands, lettin’ his head fall ta’ the back of Jack’s, his lips nibblin’ on Jack’s nape.

Jack sighed, and whispered fierce, muffled into the door, “Ain’t had no one since I saw you,” and it was impossible, his nibblin’ at Jack’s neck became a bite, and Jack arched under him, moanin’ sweet and low.

Ennis let go on that, let go of his last bit of control, angled good and drove into Jack. Oh, God, the sweet tight slide was makin’ him insane, feel of Jack’s strong body under him, smell of man’s sweat in the air. He reached his hand ta’ curl ‘round Jack’s cock, and Jack pounded on the door – once, twice – and then he was comin’, clutchin’ Ennis’s one hand tight in his, coatin’ his other hand with his warm spunk, groanin’ ta’ wake the dead.

Ennis pounded in again hard, once, twice, and then he was over the top, pullin’ Jack to him like a drownin’ man, teeth on Jack’s neck. His groan shook them both, and all he could feel was Jack, everywhere, inside him and outside.

And maybe this’d been right, after all, seein’ as how this was one more door for them, this time the door to their house – couldn’t get more special than that.

All his feelin’s fer Jack were wellin’ up, same as they always did times like these, but there wasn’t no need ta’ say nothin’ ‘less they felt like it, them havin’ said pretty much everythin’ as needed ta’ be said. He kissed Jack’s neck, tender this time, ruffled his hair with his nose, whispered, “Jack,” broken-soundin’, in his hair. Jack’s fingers clenched tighter ‘round Ennis’s hand, and Ennis squeezed ‘em back.

Jack sagged a little, and Ennis slipped out, unlaced their fingers, turned Jack gentle in his hands. “Y’alright? I come at ya’ kinda hard.” His voice came out husky. Jack’s eyebrow quirked up and he got a little smile on his face. “What d’ya think?”

Ennis smiled back, helpless ta’ resist him. Jack’s hair was crinklin’ up from dryin’ in the warmth of the house, and his face was glowin’ in the soft light cast by the lamp they’d left on in the kitchen.

Ennis harrumphed. “I think you better take off that sissy parka, fer a start.”

Jack grinned fer real now, pushed up off the door. “You don’t like it, why don’t you take it off me?”

Happiness wellin’ up inside, Ennis sighed, rollin’ his eyes good for show. “Don’t you never get enough, Jack?”

Jack smiled wicked, smile as could heat up the winter prairie. He drawled, lettin’ the Texas twang on through, “Don’t never get enough of you, Cowboy.”

Ennis tugged on Jack, delight bubblin’ up strong. “Come on. Let’s get ya’ warmed up.”

“Mmm.” Jack grinned, but Ennis could see Jack was startin’ to shiver for real.

“Fool Texan,” Ennis muttered, workin’ on the complicated zip ta’ Jack’s coat, tryin’ to shove his own boots off with his feet while Jack worked on the buttons of Ennis’s coat. “Let’s warm ya’ up in the shower again, huh?”

“You bet.” Jack nodded.

“Then we’ll get you in bed, get ya’ some rest, hear?”

Jack just kicked off his jeans, trailed a line o’ clothes toward the bedroom. By the time Ennis got there, Jack had the shower runnin’ good and hot. Ennis slipped in with Jack, knowin’ now ‘bout showerin’ with someone, together like this. He sighed along with Jack at how good it felt, balm ta’ his achy body.

Jack sighed. “Ain’t as young as I used ta’ be.”

Ennis had soaped up his hands, started kneadin’ Jack’s shoulders, mumbled, “Couldn’t tell it by me.”

Jack snorted, and Ennis let his hands roam free, strokin’ over Jack’s strong back, his hard ass, down his muscled legs. He soaped his hair, tipped his head back to rinse, all them things he’d thought on, memories of the horrible and wonderful time, there at Bill’s cabin.

“Damn, that feels good,” Jack murmured.

“Turn ‘round then, Jack,” Ennis said, soapin’ his hands again, spendin’ a lot of time on Jack’s chest and arms, which always made him a little crazy with longin’, gentle over Jack’s cock and balls, nestled in the dark hair as he often thought on, alone in the late night hours, Jack’s cock strugglin’ a little ta’ come back ta’ life, or so it seemed ta’ him.

Then – what the hell – somethin’ he’d been thinkin’ of fer a long, long while, at least since their first shower together in them Texas mountains. He slipped down ta’ his knees, warm water cascadin’ all ‘round him, soaped up Jack’s feet and calves, then on up ta’ his thighs, feelin’ the corded muscle taut under the skin.

He brought his hands up soft again ta’ Jack’s balls, and yeah, his dick had definitely been takin’ an interest in the proceedin’s, and now he looked up at Jack, who was starin’ down at him like he was some kinda vision.

“Jack.” Ennis’s voice came out all rumbly. Jack nodded. “Occurs ta’ me there’s lots o’ stuff ya’ never showed me yet you can do in a shower.”

Jack just stared down at him for a moment, then swallowed. “Ennis, you don’t gotta - .”

Ennis smiled and took Jack’s hardenin’ dick right into his mouth, heard Jack’s head clunk back hard against the shower stall, heard him swear.

Ennis ran one hand up Jack’s leg ta’ fondle his balls, the other behind ta’ snug his ass in tight, took him deep and fast. Fuck, it’d been forever since he’d had Jack’s cock in his mouth, and now he let himself fully feel how the excitement of this coursed through him, the pleasure of havin’ Jack in his mouth multiplied by the water fallin’ all ‘round them, seemin’ ta’ cradle them both in their own secret world.

Jack’s gasps and moans went straight to his cock, along with the hot heavy glide of Jack’s dick deep in his mouth, even down into his throat. Felt like surrender and victory both, there on his knees pleasurin’ Jack like this, and when Jack came hard, surgin’ into his mouth, he swallowed as much as he could before Jack pulled him up, frantic, into his arms, kissin’ the life outa him, his own back up against the shower wall now, the thought of Jack’s come in his mouth sendin’ his arousal spinnin’ even higher.

Jack wrenched his mouth off him, finally, pantin’. He said, “Doin’ that turns you on,” grindin’ his hip into Ennis’s now rock-hard dick. It wasn’t really a question but it kinda was.

Ennis groaned, then shrugged. “Yeah. I mean - . Well fuck, I’m queer, right?” He couldn’t believe how level his voice sounded.

Jack gaped a little, then growled and dropped quick ta’ his knees, shovin’ Ennis back hard against the shower wall, takin’ Ennis’s cock into the wet heat of his mouth. Now it was Ennis’s turn ta’ groan, this act, done so many times to him by Jack, takin’ on new heat ‘cause of him just havin’ had Jack against the door, havin’ Jack’s cock so recent in his mouth, the water fallin’ all around, plasterin’ Jack’s hair down, makin’ everythin’ wet and slippery. Didn’t hurt he’d admitted ta’ Jack how the act of doin’, not just bein’ done to, got him all hot.

Jack’s hands were strokin’ on his ass, then pullin’ him in tighter, his throat openin’ for Ennis. Ennis gasped, laced his fingers gently in Jack’s hair. Jack moaned a little around his cock, openin’ more to him, sendin’ vibrations skitterin’ through Ennis. Fuck, he loved this man, wild and free times like this, not holdin’ nothin’ back. He laced his fingers a little tighter in Jack’s hair, not able to stop himself. Jack moaned again, and that was it, couldn’t hold back no more, his own moan meetin’ Jack’s, his hips wrenchin’ back and forth in quick, hard thrusts. And then he was comin’, blindin’ hard, into Jack’s hot mouth, the feel of Jack swallowin’ around him shudderin’ another spasm through his body.

Now it was his turn ta’ pull Jack up, go into his arms, shakin’, exchange another kiss full of spunk and fallin’ water.

Eventually they was just leanin’ on each other, hot water turned ta’ warm, each leanin’ their head on the other’s shoulder. When the water started turnin’ towards cool, Ennis pulled himself up off Jack’s shoulder, turned the shower off, grabbed a coupla towels, wrapped Jack up in one tender. Jack was swayin’ a little, and he murmured soft, “No sleepin’ on yer feet, now, Jack,” remembrin’ Jack takin’ care of him when he’d come to Childress so tired, all them months ago. “Come on.”

Jack didn’t even protest when he pulled him into the bedroom, pulled off the towel and tucked him into the bed, then crawled in next to him, gatherin’ him up in his arms.

He musta been even tireder than he’d thought, ‘cause he didn’t even notice fallin’ asleep.

Next thing he knew, he was wakin’ to the indescribable sensation of Jack workin’ his way down his body, tracin’ the planes of muscle on his chest, lickin’ at an already-hard nipple.

“Jack - .” His voice came out kinda protesting-soundin’. “What time is it?”

Jack sucked his nipple harder, squinted up at him in the dark. “You care?”

Lookin’ down at Jack’s face, Ennis read his intent clear. Once more - once more before mornin’ brought the outside world in. Once more when it was just them, joyous in their reunion. Ennis shook his head slow. “No. I don’t care what fuckin’ time it is.” His body was reactin’ fast to Jack lyin’ like he was, between his legs, but they weren’t nineteen no more. “But I ain’t nineteen no more.”

Jack grinned up at him. “Well aware. Me, neither. But I just - .” Jack gestured ‘round at the bedroom, then their bodies. “I woke up, and what you wanted, before – I thought, before we have to go out there - .” He nodded at the window, trailin’ off.

Ennis’s heart wrenched hard, and he brought a hand soft to Jack’s face. He wanted to say that Jack’d been right, it was all special, they didn’t need no special session in this bed to make it real, but lookin’ at Jack’s face there in the faint light comin’ in from the hall, he thought maybe – maybe they did. He smiled, just said, “Yeah.”

Jack turned his face, kissed soft on Ennis’s hand, trailed kisses down his chest, then further, down his thighs and up the insides, not never gettin’ to the part as was already dyin’ for a touch. “Jack!” Ennis’s voice sounded breathless even ta’ his own ears, and Jack laughed a little, soft against Ennis’s thigh.

Jack raised his head up ta’ look at Ennis, whispered, “Jesus, Ennis.”

“Whut?”

Jack looked Ennis’s body over slow, lettin’ Ennis see the desire in his eyes, causin’ little shivers ta’ break out all over Ennis’s skin. “You’re just - .” Jack whispered, lettin’ his hands roam, tracin’ the muscle as had built up hard from the grind of ranch work – arms, chest, stomach, thighs.

Ennis felt a flush break out on his face, his chest – not to mention, felt his dick harden all the way. “Jack,” he said, tryin’ for a warnin’ tone, but not exactly succeedin’.

“Always did like ta’ look at you, Ennis,” Jack murmured, tracin’ a line with his fingers light ‘round Ennis’s balls.

Ennis sucked in a breath when Jack’s fingers brushed behind. Jack stilled, asked gentle, “Ennis?”

Ennis nodded down ta’ Jack, wantin’ this more’n anythin’ now, said, “What I want.” Jack smiled, gentle smile as made Ennis’s heart soar, brought his fingers down ta’ trace ‘round Ennis’s openin’. Ennis’s legs seemed ta’ spread open and draw up a little of their own accord, and Jack sighed.

Next Ennis knew, Jack had some lube and was circlin’, circlin’, then pushin’ in, gentle, Ennis gaspin’ on his own need for this, need fer Jack inside him, need for this last time ta’ set a seal on it, this thing so private and precious between them.

Now there was another finger slippin’ in, and Ennis felt sweat break out all over. Jack was watchin’ him, watchin’ intent, like the fate of the world was hangin’ on this, and fer all Ennis knew or cared right then, maybe it did.

Jack shifted a little, and hit that place inside, and Ennis moaned, suddenly frantic for Jack inside him.

Jack’s heart musta heard, like it always did, ‘cause next Ennis knew, Jack was up between his legs, spreadin’ ‘em gentle, sayin’, “Ennis,” in a voice as almost broke his heart for the longin’ it carried.

He reached a tremblin’ hand up ta’ Jack’s cheek, stroked it gentle, said back ta’ him, “Jack,” and Jack was pushin’ into him, Ennis’s hips liftin’ up of their own accord.

Jack’s first stroke broke somethin’ in Ennis’s heart, some final barrier, and he cried out on the feelin’. Souls cryin’ out for each other, that’s what they’d always been. What this was – it was makin’ love. Not just screwin’, not just sex, he saw it clear now, just like he saw clear that under it all, his heart had always known it. They was makin’ love, in their bed, their fuckin’ bed, and there wasn’t nothin’ ta’ be afraid of ‘bout words no more.

He felt his smile warm his face, felt it when Jack saw it and smiled back. “You look - ,” Jack whispered, bringin’ a hand ta’ stroke Ennis’s sweaty hair out of his face. “You look - look at ya’.”

Ennis shook his head, tried to speak over the lump in his throat, seein’ the light from Jack’s eyes, the strength in his body, the strength of his soul. “Look at you, Jack.”

Jack smiled and shifted a little, sendin’ sparks up Ennis’s spine. He arched down, lowered his lips ta’ Ennis’s, and their kiss was soft, soft and deep, fire sparkin’ underneath.

It went on and on, Jack strokin’ deep inside him, his body risin’ ta’ meet him, their sweat minglin’, their soft sounds twinin’ together. Then finally, it came rollin’ in sudden, thundercloud over the Rockies, sharp tremor as shook Ennis’s whole body, carryin’ him over the top in a blindin’ joy. It carried Jack with it, and he spasmed and shouted above him, then let his forehead drop, slowly, onto Ennis’s.

They shared pantin’ breaths, then a sweaty embrace when Jack slipped out, bodies wrappin’ ‘round each other automatic, kisses brushed into each others’ hair.

As far as Ennis was concerned, they could lie like this forever, twined together, friends and – yeah – lovers. ‘Cause lovers they was, always had been.

At some point they slipped a little apart, came back together with Ennis cradlin’ Jack in his arms, wrappin’ ‘round him from behind. He hated ta’ do it, but he glanced quick at the clock. What he’d thought, more or less – three in the a.m. Still time ta’ let himself drift down ta’ sleep curled up with Jack, plenty of time for that before havin’ ta’ get up for ranch work. It was goin’ ta’ be hard as hell ta’ get up and leave this bed, but do it he would, ‘cause takin’ care of Jack’s fuckin’ cows was what’d landed him Jack warm and alive in his arms.

He knew there’d be plenty of shit up ahead for them with this new thing they was doin’ – from the world, and from both of their own ornery, screwed-up selves. And he wondered what had happened with Lureen, and Bobby, and Newsome’s, and Bill.

But right now, he wasn’t goin’ to waste time thinkin’ on trouble or pain. Instead, he was gonna burrow even closer ta’ Jack, pull him tighter to him. Instead, he was gonna think on that dream, the dream as had propelled him all the way ta’ Childress and here, along with a further journey inside his own self.

Jack made a happy, sleepy sound in his throat when Ennis pulled him even closer, and Ennis smiled, feelin’ peace like he’d never felt settle in ‘round his heart.

He felt sleep tuggin’ him down hard, and he put his lips right onto Jack’s ear. He didn’t know if Jack was still awake, but maybe he was, ‘cause he thought he felt Jack squeeze his hand just a little when he murmured soft into Jack’s ear, “Yes. Yes ta’ it all. Yes.”

‘Cause what could you do, you got a chance to fall asleep whisperin’ in Jack Twist’s ear.

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
